| Name: my3kidsnhusband | Date: Nov 15th, 2007 1:39 AM |
| Girl I know it's a shocker, But always remember that God Loves you. All that I can tell you to do is pray to God and let him lead the way. You can email me @[email protected] ↑ |
| Name: Billie jo | Date: Nov 18th, 2007 9:53 PM |
| My husband as just told me too. He needs time and space and that he has been unhappy for 3 years we are just short of our 4 year ann. We have been together for 7 years. We had been trying to conceive our first child. Had a miscarriage in march' 07. He has left and is staying at his parents until he gets a place. None of our friends saw this coming at all not even me we got along great. ↑ |
| Name: DINA | Date: Nov 19th, 2007 2:32 PM |
I understand completely Billy ... People change especially after traumatic events in their life. It doesnt matter if your marriage lasted 3 years or 20 years.. people do fall out of love. My husband left me after 18 years. I never saw it coming.
Just be secure in the knowledge that you are not alone in this, and that you will survive! Its not easy and it is heartbreaking..but you will survive this. If you need to talk just email me.
Dina ↑ |
| Name: ar | Date: Nov 22nd, 2007 4:14 AM |
| Amy, everyone deserves to be loved and if your husband doesnt love you anymore then pack his bags and tell him theres the door dont let it hit you in the behind on your way out and move on. You have a hard road ahead of you especially with a child. Gather your friends and family around you draw on their strength and take it one day at a time. ↑ |
| Name: xyz | Date: Nov 24th, 2007 7:05 PM |
| Is it that men dont show there emotions? My husband is out for some work since past 1 month & I know my husband loves me but at the moment he is like so expressionless and hanst even once shown that he misses me. ↑ |
| Name: K.C. | Date: Nov 28th, 2007 1:51 PM |
| I know the feeling. My husband has had me on the merry go round of Break up Make up for several years. Again last night he states he really feels he wants to leave. We have a 8 year old son who adores hime and I have been in love with him for 12 years and we have been married for 10 but guess what? When I look back I was in love with HIM. I don't believe he has been in love with me the same. I have cried a river over him but I I am trying desperately to embrace the gift of goodbye. I refuse to beg a person in life to love me, care for me, come see about me,or stay with me. When peopele can walk away from you let them walk! Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. I am trying to believe in goodbye. It doesn't mean that I am hateful it is just that I am faithful. Whatever God means for me to have he will give it to me. And if it takes to much sweat I don't need. Crying, wanting to talk about il, tip toeing around others, putting yourself second over his or her needs, trying to "make it right", trying to make it better etc etc etc. Too much sweat. Stop begging people to stay and let them go! I am really trying to embrace this or I will be a victim forever. ↑ |
| Name: Dina | Date: Dec 3rd, 2007 5:09 AM |
| I couldnt agree more K.C. I feel the same way. Every day it gets easier and every day it gets harder. My husband of 18 years left me 2 months ago. Christmas just doesnt feel the same. My 5 year old is miserable without him. I am miserable. However I refuse to beg someone to stay with me who doesnt want to be in the relationship. Life is just too damn short and I deserve better. So I agree.......embracing the gift of goodbye is a beautiful way of putting it. It is painful but many other women have done the same..... ↑ |
| Name: Tara | Date: Dec 8th, 2007 5:02 PM |
| My husband of 10 years and i have been sleeping apart since May.. He said he loves me but needs to some time alone and is moving out after xmas.. He said that he needs to think.. WIll he come back? im so upset i cant take it we have two young kids ↑ |
| Name: PAYNE | Date: Dec 9th, 2007 11:39 AM |
| Name: PAYNE | Date: Dec 9th, 2007 11:40 AM |
| HE MAY NOT COME BACK. MEN ARE SELFISH. TAKE CARE OF YOU! ↑ |
| Name: Dina | Date: Dec 9th, 2007 8:03 PM |
Tara, I understand how you feel. If you read the above posts you will see my sad story. My husband of 18 years left me and my son. The only thing I can tell you is to remodel your life. At this point focus on your kids and remodeling your home into a single parent home. Dont put yourself through the "blame game" I.E. what you should of done or what he could have done etc. Just focus on your kids and on your plan to get through the coming months. I know how heart broken you are and how hard this will be on your children. However for now focus on ways to improve your life and the life of your children. Enjoy your time with them during the holiday and let your husband do what he feels he must. This choice he is making is a signal of changes to come. Remember that it is HIS choice not yours. Remodel your home sweety and your perceptions of yourself etc. You can make it through this.. We all are confronted with obstacles in our life and we all have to make it over the hurdles. There are alot of brave women out there who are going through the same thing. If they can do it .......... If we can make it.......... so can you. Take care... My email is [email protected] if you need to talk or type ( :
Take care
D ↑ |
| Name: Gail | Date: Dec 10th, 2007 10:45 PM |
Hi Dina; u r such an inspiration to everyone who is reading these forums. I see that you have grown so much since your husband first left. Good for you. I told u time would heal all wounds. My husband came back u know but I don't know if it would have been better to just let him stay gone. I have no trust for him anymore . I don't know when he is going to pick up and leave because he's "not happy" again (translates into when he has found some young replacement that he thinks is better then me). How can I now love and respect someone like that now. The answer is ... I don't. Right now I am focusing on getting myself together financially. Bottom line I have to be prepared to be without him because he is no one that I can depend on.
Is it right that I am in a sense using him as well??? Who cares ... the asshole didn't give a damn about me when he walked out to be with someone he had known only 3 weeks.
At any rate ... stay strong; God will provide and you are living proof that the pain does eventually go away and it gets better. ↑ |
| Name: Dina | Date: Dec 11th, 2007 11:11 PM |
| Celestine ... who exactly are you talking to??? And why are you providing this information?? ↑ |
| Name: Dina | Date: Dec 11th, 2007 11:17 PM |
Thanks Gail! I always love to talk to you.. You are an inspiration to us all as well. You are right WE will eventually get through this and WE will be stronger for having gotten through it??
NO ... I dont think you are using him and here is why.. His money is your money and vise versa... provide for yourself.. prepare yourself... The only thing you can be accused of is trying to survive.. just like the rest of us... WE havent done anything wrong.. WE didnt cheat or lie.... The men in our lives did... for that they owe us some modicum of stability ... financially and emotionally.... and since most suck at the emotional part... well then what else is there but to protect yourself financially.
You are a great person Gail!! Dont let anyone try to convince you otherwise.
Dina ↑ |
| Name: Dina | Date: Dec 13th, 2007 4:57 AM |
Gail thanks so much for the email!! It was definately a pick me up !!! Your the best!!
D ↑ |
| Name: robert | Date: Dec 14th, 2007 8:29 PM |
| It's hard to believe that every single woman here was totally surprised by their husband's actions; the situations all sound familiar, but there are warning signs. I'm in a loveless, sexless marriage with a mean woman who lives to spend my money and gain weight, and I now know that my wife will be totally surprised to find out that I don't want to live that way the rest of my life. I work 3 jobs that I hate, 60 hours a week and up, try to be a good father, quit drinking at my wife's request, and shop and cook dinner for the family every night. In return, I get nagged and bitched at and clearly the only thing I'm needed for around here is to earn money. (I was bitched at this morning for making myself a sandwich while my wife was out for 3 hours. She evidently wanted me to wait to get my first food of the day until she'd come home for some reason, maybe so I could make her a sandwich too. I was supposed to just know, too, it wasn't something we'd spoken about. Jesus.) My wife has gained 80 pounds, lost all interest in sex (which is fine with me!), and insists on having our child sleep in our room, and she won't stop breast feeding her even though she's almost 4. I'm leaving. I suppose that makes me an asshole, but I'm not going to sleep on the floor any more, and if I'm only good for working hateful jobs every spare minute of my life to keep up some "lifestyle," I'll move somewhere where I can do that with some peace, quiet, and an occasional good night's sleep. I'm very demanding, I know - I want occasional attention, sex maybe twice a year (that would be a huge increase from now, I know), and a kind word every so often. If she hasn't been honest enough with herself to admit that we've both failed in marriage and that we're living a stupid and painful lie, she's about to get a reminder. Marriage is a mistake. Always. Only lesson I've learned is that when a woman says she loves someone, that's just about the same time they start treating "someone" like crap, I'm treated better by complete strangers. No thanks. All these men who "suddenly" lose interest have had help, and it's taken them years to get there. Men are all irresponsible jerks? Must be, since all women are perfect. Well, back to work. ↑ |
| Name: Dina | Date: Dec 15th, 2007 4:31 AM |
Robert, I have a question for you? Have you spoken to your wife about any of this?? It seems to me that you harbor an extreme amount of anger and resentment. The question is at what point have you discussed this with your wife. I often hear lots of men say "my wife gained wieght, she spends too much money, she's not interested in sex etc etc etc. However what most men dont think about is that The WIFE has changed for a reason. Have you taken time to ask her why she has changed? Have you bothered to ask her if she wants to work out with you?? Have you ever thought that her spending might be a way of responding or shall we say REACTING to YOU... It takes two Robert.. EVERY Woman in the chat room knows this.... However women are much more likely to try and discuss things and be rebuffed than men are. You dont love your wife anymore because she gained wieght , spends money and is over protective of your child??? thats what I am hearing. Your wife should be more than an ornament to you... I think far too much emphasis has been put on wieght .. Did you carry a child for nine months???? Are you left alone to care for your child?? Are you responsible for shopping , caregiving , housework , working and on top of everything else being a nurturing wife and mother?? Do you even think for one moment that your wife isnt going through depression and anger very similar to your own??Have you bothered to put yourself in your wifes shoes??? Have you thought about therapy??? Have you even thought about addressing that issue with your wife??? You should have married your wife for what lies inside not out... Marriage is a commitment that some people cant seem to handle.. The vows say for better or worse .. at what point did your vows say "until 80 pounds have been gained or she spends 5000"???? Better or worse means exactly THAT .... Marriage isnt just a commitment.. it is truly an act of WILL .. You make it through every obstacle you are faced with and you perservere. As long as the love it there it is worth the effort... 60 hour weeks huh?? Well guess what I have worked that and more in the past.... When you signed up to "have and to hold" that meant it was your responsibility to work and provide for your family... You may provide monitarily but the wife often times provides emotionally if not monetarily as well... The breastfeeding seems a bit much but in many countries it is a norm. I breastfed till my little one was two. My husband never had a problem with my little one being in bed with us.. There are books you can read about regarding that.. It provides a sense of security for your child.. however if my husband had said that was a problem I would have made an effort to take care of it by getting him used to his own room.. I dont mean to sound like I dont understand your side Robert. You obviously have problems that need to be worked out with the wife.. But the first step is talking about it! NOT CHEATING on your wife and saying its her fault due to wieght... etc.. most the women here have had their husbands leave with out an explanation.. I would hope that you afford your wife with the respect and dignity she deserves as the mother of your children and your chosen life partner. Every story is different Robert.. but the one thing every woman has in common is that they love their husbands... They love them Robert regardless of wieght.. compulsive spending... child rearing etc.. They love them.. and had hoped for their marriage to last.. That may not be where your path takes you... however everything is about cause and effect. The question is What Caused the Change in your wife ... and if you love her... you will take the time to try and find out... If you dont .. hopefully you will show her respect and leave in an amiable way rather than causing a huge loss of self esteem and scars that will last a lifetime not just hers but your childs as well..Take Care Robert..
Dina ↑ |
| Name: Gail | Date: Dec 15th, 2007 7:53 AM |
Robert I just read your post as well and I agree with Dina. Please whatever you decide to do regarding your situation, talk it over with your wife; let her know how you are feeling; let her know that you are thinking about leaving; but don't just leave. I agree with you as well on some things; sometimes we do tend to take our husbands for granted; after years and years of them being there we don't expect to take up one day and have them just walk out. I was warned in a sense that things weren't as they should be but I chose to ignore the signs because he was my husband; he would be there; he would never walk out on his family ... he did ... and even with the warnings; even with my taking him for granted; his walking out still was not right ...
There are feelings involved here ... u think your wife doesn't love u ... walk out without an explanation and u will see how much she hurts from that action.
The answer is to seek help for both of u. You didn't marry her to one day just leave her and your child because things aren't as they used to be ... you bring it to her attention; u go to counseling; you try; but u don't just harbor the bad feelings inside until u just end up walking out. Marraige means so much more then that.
If after all of that trying it still does not work then by all means u can mutually agree to break up; but at least it won't be the shock for her that we women have had to experience from our husbands. It's an action I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy; Robert ... don't do it to the mother of your child. At least try. ↑ |
| Name: vicki | Date: Dec 17th, 2007 11:33 PM |
| hi, my husband of 20 years just told me he could handle the stress of all our problems anymore. It has been rocky for a while, but i did my best to make it work. I have always felt as tho i struggle with this by my self. I did love him at one time, and through it all i was still willing to make it work no matter what. I guess it was to late for him to do the same. He often said he was willing but when we argued or did not agree on things he would say to me if you dont stop im going to leave. He always left 2 to3 days a month since we have been married. I guess i learned to tolared it because i just wanted it to work. I do believe in doing the right thing, and stand by my vows. What started at the get go i had a run in with his ex-girl friend calling him at his job, and watching unexecptable tv programmin on the job. if you have cable tv then you know what i mean. it really bothered me that this behavavior was allowed at all at work. from this point i lost trust and respect for him at one point. He tells me that i should not let that bother me. would any one out there feel the same way i do. well he has threatened me if i did not stop this then he was going to leave for good, well he did and has been gone since 9-20-07 almost 3 months. i have been devistated since. cant sleep,think or stay focused on any thing. i have a18 year old and a 16 year old that i love so so much. they have been my life and world. i am a stay home mom for almost 20 years. my marriage was my life, and my world. when we would disagree or argue he would not sit and talk about it , just leave. He said i was a person he could not talk to because i would get upset. i never could give my opinion on anything hardly at all. but i was still willing to work out the differences no matter what. i am truly a wonderful person trying to just find a way to get alone. please hear my pain and my deepest despare of all. i do no that i am not the only one out there like me. i feel so much anger toward him that i dont know if i would even take him back at all. but i truly feel he will not be back. he has is own place and sees the kids some. he says his one bed room is just not big enough for them to stay over night with him. could he be seeing someone else possibly. i just dont know for sure because he has been leaving off and on during the marriage. please reach out to me for some kind of advice at all. im so tired of sleepless night and long long days. it the hardest thing I've ever been through. im trying to stay focused for my kids the best i can. what can i do to stop this nightmare, i am so tierd of feeling lost and betrayed. please share your feelings with me. ↑ |
| Name: Vicki | Date: Dec 17th, 2007 11:45 PM |
| if you would like to reply back my email address is vickiann61 @yahoo.com ↑ |
| Name: Dina | Date: Dec 18th, 2007 5:54 AM |
| Oh Vicki! I am so sorry ! I will email you.. I know how much pain you are in ... I feel it too.. and the worst part is finding out things you didnt know .. and realizing that the man you married isnt who YOU thought he was... I feel your pain.. There is hope Vicki .. We here know the devastation that you are going through.. You will make it ! So many women before and after us have done so.. I will email you in the morn so look in your filter if you have one!! ↑ |
| Name: Vicki | Date: Dec 18th, 2007 8:11 PM |
| Gail, I like th advice that you gave to Robert, you were right on target!!! My husband has been warning me off and on for 20 years, I guess I took it for granted too. But you know no one is perfect. I Just think that some men are so selfish and comsumed by having to much PRIDE!!! We still are human being that should never ever had to be left the way we were. I thing that people who think like we do deserves to be able to meet up and really know that we are more connected than you think. It take a very strong to do what we do anyway, and they do not know how to appreiciate at all, so really they don't deserve us. But I know it is still very hard to let go. I wish everyone luck, if possible, we deserve it verrry much. My God contuine to hold every ones hand in this sitution. I know that I will. vicki ↑ |
| Name: vicki | Date: Dec 18th, 2007 8:20 PM |
| Dina, I can just tell that you are such a wonderful person at heart, you deserve to be treated the way you deserve to be. I think we need to say something good about ourselves sometimes instead of how bad they made us feel sometimes. I know it still hurts and we need to vent most of time and it helps alot, but lets think about how good of a person we really are!! My heart and soul is with everyone going throug this terrible time especially during the HOLIDAYS11 My e-mail address is [email protected] ↑ |
| Name: vicki | Date: Dec 19th, 2007 1:00 AM |
| I just want to say everyone that the for why is hard to get over this is because you know how to someone the right way and thats all it is, if they can move on that fast than they have issues, men with charater will move on slowly. Will not just jump into another relationship that quickly!! So in a way we are better off without them!! All we can do is pray to God to help us to move on in the right way. vicki ↑ |
| Name: tlc | Date: Dec 19th, 2007 6:59 PM |
| My husband moved out last February, so it will be a year in 2008. I have read through almost all of these posts, and it truely makes me feel that I am not alone. As many of you have experienced, my husband starting acting distant, I found he was talking and e-mailing a married female co-worker about our marriage (instead of talking to me), that he had feelings for this "co-worker" although she couldn't return them because she is dedicated to her marriage, and that he apparently doesn't like his past self. He started working out all the time, watching everything he ate, going to office happy hours, and decided that he didn't know if he wanted to be married anymore. That's the long story as short as I can make it. I have gone through a roller coaster of emotions. The biggest being told by the Court that because my husband wanted equal visitation time my children now have to be nomads. I have worked since college and throughout our marriage. When I became pregnant with our first child, I started working out of the house. For the last 8 years I have been both a stay-at-home mom and working more than part time hours (when I could fit the work in around my kids' schedules). All this time, my husband never appreciated anything I did. His actions now confirm it. Instead he took advantage of me working as a way to get out of paying bills. We are coming close to the end of the divorce process - of which it seems everything just goes his way. I feel that I am being punished by being told that I can not be there for my children everyday. I miss them so much. I hurt for them most of all having to go through all these changes. They don't open up to their dad, but they have to me. I think they might be afraid to really say anything to him because he moved out. They have been going to a psychologist which I know that do like. I just wanted to put my story and thoughts out there. Some days are good, and some days are not so good. My family and friends have been very supportive. But they don't really know what I am going through. ↑ |
| Name: Vicki | Date: Dec 19th, 2007 7:18 PM |
| tlc, I promise you one thing, I do know what you are going through. Has it gotten any better yet since it has already a year. If so let me know. Where there any signs while you were married that there could have been another person involved. My husband seemed so sneaky about things that I really don't know the sigginafante sign are!! How did you know. I truly understand what you are going through, because I'm there right now, just awful and painful. Let me hear back from,ok take care of yourself. Vicki ↑ |
| Name: tlc | Date: Dec 20th, 2007 5:52 PM |
| Looking back I realized that my Husband never grew up. He never got involved in making a home or being a true family man. The first signs where 8 years ago. When I was pregnant with my first child and he was turning 30. He started going out a lot and leaving me at home. Began to care about his appearance and we even ask me what to wear when he did go out. I was in partial bed rest. I found out, just after I had my child, that he was having an affair with a student of his that had 3 children with 3 different men. I was ready to move on then. Told him to get out. He went begging to my mom that he made an awful mistake - he didn't know what was wrong with him. Then he convinced me that he was sorry and ready to be the man, husband and father I needed. I never really trusted him again completely. He even got me a new ring because I wouldn't wear my old one (since I felt it was tainted). Things seemed better. He was an attentive father, and was more attentive to me. When I was pregnant with my son, it seemed like he was starting to really grow up. But our lives became all about the kids. I got to the point that I felt unappreciated and if I would try to talk to him about it, he would say that he felt that way and was more unappreciated. I also got sick of him being my third child. I would have to tell him to get his hair cut all the time, pick up after him, and take care of everything around the house. If he did help, he wanted me to recognize and thank him all the time. But in my heart, and for my kids, I always hoped we would reconnect and he would grow up. The last draw was October 2006 when he became distant. I had my woman's intuition going, and sure enough he was at it again. Losing weight, working out all the time, reading self-exploration books, wanting to go to happy hours, and e-mailing a married co-worker about our marriage and telling her he has feelings for her. There were times we started to connect again and really work on things. But his selfishness took over and I told him either we are both working on things with 2 feet in the circle or he has to go. Even till the end, he would say the "I am not sure" about everything. But I needed to move on. It was too painful. Now - almost a year later - I am over him. The hardest thing through it all was getting past the dreams of a future I had for our family, and having to relinquish full motherhood. Being away from my children for 5 days a week is excruciating. ↑ |
| Name: vicki | Date: Dec 20th, 2007 8:31 PM |
tlc I am so glad you are finally out of that horrible sitution, if you go to the site emotional signs of cheating husband, you just described the exact red flag sign they tell you to look for, yours were to the T. They say you can burn the land, boil the seas, but you can't take the sky from me!!!! I'M still in alot of pain, but hopefuly will leave me soon.
give me some pointers of how you finally got over it, I need all the strenght I can get. Thanks for the story, sad but true.Have you been able to move on with your life!! I sure hope so. anyway I will be thinking of you, and thanks for your time. ↑ |
| Name: Gail | Date: Dec 20th, 2007 10:26 PM |
| I feel like I know some of you so well ... I honestly do not know how I would have made it through some of those nights without having these comments to read and having people like Dina to "talk" to as well. Counseling is great if you can afford it but this just goes to show that you have to get these feelings out or you will explode. Vicki ... I'm praying for you ... as well as all the other ladies here who have been left high and dry by someone they thought loved them. Here's to a better year next year and a new start. It doesn't end here ... our lives are not dictated by what has happened but in fact we will use this to get stronger. I know I'm full of those sayings ... but those sayings have been proved to have some truth to them. I truly wish better peace of mind for you guys. Have a good xmas everyone. God Bless. ↑ |
| Name: Dina | Date: Dec 24th, 2007 7:52 PM |
Gail I feel exactly the same way! This has been the most trying time of my entire life.
I have a great book some of you might be interested in purchasing! I was perusing the bookstore the other day, I couldnt decide between self help, murder, or a book titled.. How to hide the body...LOL... when I came across this book that summed it up for me totally... Its called
DRUNK, DIVORCED & COVERED IN CAT HAIR BY LAURIE PERRY.
It is a true story about a lady who's husband left her for another woman...
I am still in the process of reading it, there are parts that are totally hysterical and parts that litterally made me cry..
You guys have to check out this book!
I would tell you guys ..Merry Christmas... however if any of you are feeling the way I do...(like the color has gone out of the world) then I know you are probably tired of hearing it.. So I wish you all this...
The patience to accept the things you can not change,
and the strength to change the things you can.
I am with every one of you during this trying time in our lives..
Take Care...and be good to yourselves...the healing starts with you..
Dina ↑ |
| Name: ceci | Date: Dec 28th, 2007 9:33 PM |
| Why does this happen to us? I have been a good wife, and good mother to our 3 children. He has just fallen out of love, won't leave because of the children but has totally abandoned me emotionally. I am lost I love him so and don't know what to do. I am afraid of what a divorce would do to our kids and to me emotionally as well. He has said he does not love me but than takes it back, I am so hurt and confused, I don't know what's next. This has been the worse year of my life.......... ↑ |
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