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Name: soontobedivorced
[ Original Post ]
I have been married to my husband for 20 years and for the past 4 years he has been seeing a younger woman and now thery have a 2 year old child together. I cannot except the fact that he has had sex and unprotected sex with someone else. I love my husband and we have a 18 year old daughter which will be a freshman in college this fall. He asked for my forgiveness and I do forgive him but I cannot accept that he want to be apart of this childs life so what do I do? Also, I found out that he has been sneaking around seeing the child so I left him and I have an appointment with my lawyer to file for my dicorce. My daughter is really hurting but I dont really know what to do to help her understand. If anyone out there has been through anything like this has any advice, please post on this site.
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Name: Soontobe... | Date: Jul 11th, 2006 9:11 PM
Keeping him out of this childs life is not fair at all. The child did nothing to deserve to see his/her daddy. Punish your jusband, but don't keep him out of this childs life. Remember, the child is just that, a CHLD. No one should have to explain to their 2 year old that daddy is not allowed to see them unless the father is a genuine child molester or abusive. If it was my husband, I would pack up, leave him and take our kids, but I would NEVER say that his son or daughter from another relation had to be without their daddy. That's not right. 

Name: Soontobe... | Date: Jul 11th, 2006 9:12 PM
That should be "The child did nothing to deserve NOT to see his/her daddy." 

Name: Serina S | Date: Jul 12th, 2006 2:57 AM
You are upset and have every right to be but I do agree with the other person here. Children need both parents Keeping him form the baby is wrong and he will resent you for it for sure. Just try to think of the baby as his an think of it as your daughters family. Trust me Iknow this is beyond hard.
Look if he were sneeking aroud just to see the other woman then that would be very diffrent but he want to see his child. Would you really be able to do whatyou are asking him to do?
I know you daughter is hurting too but what ever you do do not bad mouth the Father her dad to her. No matter how old she is it will hurt her more!!!
Maybe if you saw the baby and were able to see how inocent it is in all this you might change you mind.
Maybe you all could go to a counselor and try and wor\k things out??
I hope I helped you look at this from another angel .
I hope you will do you best and try everthing before you give up on your mariage.
Very very best of luck 

Name: katie | Date: Jul 12th, 2006 3:06 AM
i tried to keep someone i love from seeing his illigitimate daughter as well, and it doesnt work. it hurts so much, but you have to remember that there is a child involved, and no matter how much you hate the other woman, hate the fact that he slept with her, and hate EVERYTHING about the whole situation, remember how much you love your daughter, and think of how you would feel if someone tried to keep you from her, you wouldnt let them. kids need their parents, and he will need to be there for that child, even if it causes you pain, he should be understanding, and you should try to work through it together if you think it is worth trying to save your marriage. 

Name: pj754 | Date: Jul 12th, 2006 12:35 PM
Also, you should ask your husband if he still cares for this woman? Granted they have no choice but to share the responsibilities for this child they conceived together but the question is does he want to be a part of the mother's life too? He's probrably afraid to tell you he does. I'm sure he's had a lot of wonderful years with you but why did he stray in the first place? I'm sorry if these kinds of questions hurt you, I don't mean for them to but these are what you need to ask him and for yourself. Is he willing to continue to work things out with you? It hurts deeply to have another child involved but like everyone else said, the child is innocent. The two were grown adults and made the decision to sleep together. Also, another question to ask yourself, can I be the better person in this situation? What I mean is, he made a big mistake but the child doesn't need to suffer and allow him to have his time with his child. Remember, he made the mistake, not you. Yet, he let his own desires cloud his judgement and now he has another child to care for, other than your daughter in college. You need to find out from him exactly where you stand in this kind of relationship. Does he want a new life with the other woman or continue to love you like he says he does? These are tough questions to ask but you need to find out. Seeing a lawyer is not a bad option but the another question is, what do you want? If you feel you can't accept what he has done, then continuing with the divorce is the way to go, but if you feel you love him so much and he loves you and can allow him to be a daddy to another child, then go to counseling or learn how to talk things out. You have a daughter, who is hurting deeply but you want to be very strong for her. If this was me, I would want to know exactly where I stand in his life. I would ask him these blunt questions and then make my decision. Especially, if he is going to sneak around to see his child. Granted you are asking yourself, how could he have done this and why did he have the affair? I wouldn't buy just because his desire got the best of him, obviously this woman tricked his trigger enough to sleep with her. To me, it sounds like he wants to move on but is afraid to come right out and say it. However, if you continue your relationship with him, it might end up miserable for all the parties involved. You have to be willing to let him go. I don't think my words may have helped you but I do hope you seek out the answers to these questions for you to make your decision. 

Name: JenCarpeDiem | Date: Jul 17th, 2006 2:23 PM
Well, okay. Your husband cheated on you. That's awful. He had a baby and wants to be responsible and actually get to know the child? That's great. If you could forgive him for cheating, forgive him for that too. If you're divorcing him, do it only because he's a cheater, not because he has a baby. You're just sounding jealous because he hasn't had another baby with you.

She's 18. Tell her the facts and she can figure the rest out on her own, you don't need to "help her understand" she's old enough to understand by herself. I was 16 when my parents divorced and I was surrounded by lies - from my mother, about my father - and my dad wasn't talking about it so I had no idea what the reasons were and as a result I hated my father. The BEST thing to do during a divorce is BE HONEST and tell your child the facts, don't let her think of her own or force her to deduce reasons, it's no less than mental and emotional cruelty. 

Name: soontobedivorced | Date: Jul 21st, 2006 7:48 PM
Thanks for all the really good advice. Pj754 has really put something on my mind and every statement you have made I've already asked and I really dont know if he's being honest but what I really think it is, he just want to be apart of this child's life because he wasn't apart of his mother's life. Everyone seems to be genuine about this suituation but just know that it's really really hard. This next comment is directed to JenCarpeDiem. It 's not jeolousy it's only hurt. My husband only wanted one child it never mattered to me but If he want's to move on I'm not going to die, I dont think anything can hurt me more than him having a baby with another woman, now, him leaving want kill me I'll get over it sooner or later! I'm not sure if you are married right now but maybe you are one of those women with a illigitimate child and want 's to trying to see the issue from a different point (maybe that's it) but it's all totally different when it's your husband I'm not talking about your father because it was your mother's husband and you're right about telling my daughter the truth I never told her nothing more than the truth. Somethings I cannot tell her but she need to know where all the confusion is coming from. I dont know how long it' been that your father did this but, when I was a child growing up, parents didn't tell their children the truth about things and that was wrong. If it affected the whole family then the children do need to know certain things. Women have taken so much off of men that some women feel that "oh he's just a man" it's ok if he does these things it's just a way of life for them! I came from a christian home and my family was close and I was raised to have closeness with family, that's why I was ignorant and hurt about this I did't stay with him for 20 years for him to have a child with another woman. This woman was also living with a man and she had another man she was also sleeping around with but my husband he didn't know about the second outside man at the time but he found out just resently, so if he want's a whore he can leave. It's just that he has a child. It's easy to forgive a person for cheating but not for cheating and the disrespect and having unprotected sex, AIDS is out her you know and my child need me. I do believe my husband love me but he made a bad choice and I want him to hurt as bad as I'm hurting (not that it's right) but it's nothing I did to destroy the closeness of the family. Many people tell me that time will heal and maybe it will. My husband also wants to move out of town away to another state but, we both have good jobs and we really dont want to give up anything but again, if we move to another state he still want be apart of the child's life. I feel why should I change my life style for his choices. Even if I left him I feel that that is way to easy for him. I want him to suffer even if it does cause him to be resentful. In time I might get tired and leave anyway but I'll let that be my choice not because I was forced by someone's stupid action. If he really do love me then he will stay and i'll use that against him, if he dont then he can end it but right now I just want him to hurt! I know this could go on and on because I have so much to say from my heart but Anyone has any comments about this statement. After reading over this statement I feel I'm contradicting myself but people say that's all in the hurt. Maybe it will get better soon! 

Name: soontobedivorced | Date: Jul 21st, 2006 8:04 PM
pj754 you asked the question why did he stray in the first place. Well My dauther was very active in sports soccor, baseball, dance, school functions and I was there for everything, a very active parent but he wasn't and that may have given him to much fee time!!! because I've found out that she wasn't the only woman in the last 4 years! Comment 

Name: Layne | Date: Jul 21st, 2006 8:59 PM
dump him!! 

Name: Lizzi | Date: Jul 21st, 2006 9:26 PM
I know it's hard but it isn't the childs fault and you shouldn't expect him not to have a relationship with her. What you should have done was left him when the other woman first entered the picture 4 years ago! 

Name: faith555 | Date: Jul 27th, 2006 1:42 PM
Hi, I am a woman that got involved with a married man. I felt so horrible, I got pregnant. (He lied to me at first saying he was separated but I still should have stayed away.) He has two beautiful children. I never wanted to break up a family so I had an abortion. I feel terrible because I wanted a baby so bad but I thought it was selfish to have one this way. His family would hurt, my parents would hurt. I was so ashamed. Now that I had the abortion, I am ashamed about that. 

Name: faith555 | Date: Jul 27th, 2006 1:45 PM
I also wanted to mention, at first I didn't want to have an abotion. He talked me into it. I now ultimately I shouldn't have listened to him. I just kep thinking about his poor family. I hope that never happens to me. I never wanted to break up a family. He has the nerve to still call me after that but I stay away from him. He goes on with his life, probably still cheating on his wife and I am living with the guilt of an abotion, namely I did it because I didn't want his family to hurt. I know it was wrong. How would you women feel about this? 

Name: faith555 | Date: Jul 27th, 2006 1:56 PM
I also want to mention that my whole life I am against abortions...it is awful. This man said I threatened him when I said I was going to keep it. He has been married for at least 25 years. I was so upset. I didn't know what to do. I wanted a baby but I didn't want to break up his family so I choose an abortion. I am sorry if this offends you. I feel horrible. I felt that God put me to a test and failed. I just kept thinking how I would feel if I was his wife. 

Name: soontobedivorced | Date: Jul 27th, 2006 7:28 PM
LizzI, Maybe it's easier said than done!!! Have you been in that suitation? 1st of all I never want to hurt my child 2nd of all I'm not going to give my husband to this woman but it's a different thing if he want to go but to push him to her...think again. I'm really really angry about his choice and maybe I will leave sooner or later.
Faith, dear heart, thanks for being honest!! You have a big heart! Everybody get caugh up in situations they shouldn't and make mistakes. If you believe there's a God above, then he will forgive you! Sometimes people get tingled up in bad situations but to destroy another person's life to get what you want is a really bad choice. I never believed in abortions BUT I also never believed in screwing around with a married man. Sin is Sin!!! and no sin is bigger than another sin. Pray honey! You sound like a young person, therfore you have plenty of time to have a baby. Maybe you will want to get married and then start your family not with someone else's husband, that's not logical because you could run upon one of those women that might not leave and you will have to raise the child along or maybe he wouldn't want to have anything to do with the child who know's which way it will go but anyway make good sound choices in your life it's your life but dont make it hard for yourself and Good Luck with your future. 

Name: moshecathy | Date: Jul 28th, 2006 2:09 AM
soontobe .. i just read one of your posts and you mentioned that this woman was with another man and still was seeing someone else .. was this all during the time your husband had an affair? you might want to insist and get a paternity test before anything else ... maybe the child isnt even your husbands ... just an advice. p.s. your husband will probably insist that it is his but if this woman is capable of being with so many men at the same time ... who knows? 

Name: pj to soontobedivorced | Date: Jul 28th, 2006 1:56 PM
I completely feel your pain. The hurt you feel inside will take a long time to get over. I can tell you this in my first marriage things just didn't seem right in our relationship. My ex would flirt with other women in front of me and make me feel like a piece of crap. Yet, I knew something was completely wrong but I couldn't' put my finger on it. Then he became abusive to me and the children so I decided to divorce him. It wasn't until after the divorce when people told me he was cheating on me all along. He was cheating with someone, who I thought was my best friend of 18 years. I chose not to believe it because I just didn't think the two would ever do it to me. I was wrong. While I was going through my divorce, I was angry to know he cheated. It hurt me deeply. Then, I knew in my heart, I was leaving him for the right reasons. Even through, I had my first suspicions in the beginning of our marriage, I still kept trying to make things work. I felt like I was the screw up because he would make me feel that way. He led everyone to believe he was Mr. Wonderful and Disneyland Dad. Now, other people are starting to see his true colors and realize I'm not what he says I am. Plus, I'm soon going to marry a man that treats me and my 3 children better than himself. I am very thankful I have a second chance at true love. I'm telling you this because just like your friends have told you, it takes time for the hurt to go away. As a christin, you know you have grounds for a divorce, we all are imperfect but you have to feel good for yourself. Your husband has lost sight of his priorities in his life which was you and your daughter. He should be thanking you for being there for your daughter during her activities, when he chose not too. It's not what knocks you down, it's how you pick yourself up. When you get past the feelings of hurt, you will be a much stronger person. Granted, you did nothing wrong. Even though, he cheated that is no excuse to blame you for his actions. I'm sure your husband feels miserable inside but his pride won't let him admit to it. Moving to another state is not the answer. You will incur more expenses because he will want to spend time or see his 2 year old. He needs to step up to be a man and face this head on. It sounds like he's starting to see the grass isn't so green on the other side. If you have found out there were other women, then why does he want to stay with you? I know you have asked him all these questions and you will probably never get the straight answer. He took the trust away that you had in him and that will be something very hard to get back. I certainly hope things will work out for the best. You're thinking is on the right track, you are a strong woman. It's just the hurt that doesn't go away, just yet. Trust me when I say the hurt will go away, it just takes time. As for me, I am very skeptical of trusting my fiance. However, he tells me he doesn't believe in cheating. His family will vouch for his stand. He's explained that if I ever cheat on him, he will drop me like a hot cake. Yet, he knows, I'm not that kind of person. I will point blank tell him something is wrong and if I want out, he will hear about it. I've told my ex several times I wanted out of our marriage but he wasn't taking me seriously. I believe that's why he became abusive. I was a stay at home mom for 12 years with no income and he felt I was stuck. Well, he was wrong. Now, he's angry with me because I met someone else and he can't find anyone to share his life with. He's miserable and I don't have to do anything to him. He did this all on his own. The way I look at it, he lost something that was good to him and took complete advantage of it. That's something he's going to have to life with the rest of his life. Well, hang in there and keep me posted on anything else or if you just want to [email protected] 

Name: pj to faith555 | Date: Jul 28th, 2006 2:15 PM
Listen, you realize you made some mistakes but it's what you have learned from them. You've did things you were totally against and now you feel horrible for them. Don't keep beating yourself up. Just like soontobedivorced said, you can only ask God for forgiveness. Granted, you shouldn't have gotten involved with a married man but he should have known better about the consequences of his actions, too. I'm sure you feel weak, used and alot of guilt inside. Remember, you are human and you have feelings, too. You have to allow yourself some time to get through these feelings. You can ask yourself what if all the time but it doesn't help. You can't change what's already done but you can change your future. Try to look at the positive things in your life. Hopefully, you are healthy and you have a family that loves you. You may have to live with your secret for the rest of your life but you will learn how to handle things better in your future. When I met my fiance, I wasn't divorced yet. However, I had already left him in my heart it was just a matter of going through the actions of the divorce. I knew I was playing with fire of getting pregnant being with my fiance. I ended up having a baby 8 months ago, who is so dear to me. I was afraid of what everyone would think of me. But, in my heart, I loved this man and knew he loved me which we will be getting married in less than 3 weeks. My children see the love we share together and they are completely happy with my new life. You need to believe in yourself. You can do it, it just takes TIME! Now, you can learn to be very cautious and you will probably meet someone you truly love and who will love you back. I'm sorry to hear you had to go through what you did. Just look at the positive things in your life. 

Name: faith555 | Date: Jul 31st, 2006 1:53 PM
To soontobedivorced and pj: Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I keep saying to myself, I wish I didn't go with terminating the pregnancy because it is such a sin, but I should really go back further and say, I wish I never got involved with a married man. They are both sins. He was very manipulative and I feel he coaxed me to do it. I still feel the shame because ultimately I could have just walked out of the clinic. He is the one that had made the appointment and paid for it. He kept saying I am in no position to have a baby.....and that so many people do it for different reasons and when I told him I wasn't going to he said I was threatening him and he was going to tell everybody what I did it was weird. ....I was scared and ashamed to have gotten myself in this position. Now I am ashamed of what I did.
To soontobedivorced: if you can salvage your marriage and let this man be a part of his young child's life then try that. The young child is still your daughters sister. It didn't seem to me your husband really wanted a divorce.

To PJ:I wish you all the best with your new life. I wish I came to this post before going through what I did. God Bless 

Name: msicat | Date: Jul 31st, 2006 2:12 PM
Is your husband expecting you to still be with him? Does he love you or is he still planning on seeing this child's mother? I am sorry to hear your story and it sounds like you have been through alot. Being married to him for 20 years is a very long time but I think that he needs to decide if he still wants to be with you or if he want to be with the child's mother. If your daughter is going to college soon, it will mean she will be out of the house soon so, ask yourself...Do you and your husband still have anything in common? Because once the children leave, how strong of a bond do you and your husband have? What if there is nothing left? Then, I think you should talk to your attorney. If you feel that you and your husband still have things to talk about when the your daughter is gone then work it out with him but only if he wants to. If not, then proceed with the attorney. I never been through what you been through but sounds rough. Good luck and keep me posted also, could you help me with mine. It's called, The Courts Don't Listen. It's long so, I apologize in advance. Take Care! M 

Name: Iknowyourpain | Date: Aug 1st, 2006 5:26 PM
I'm going though the same thing. I have been married this year for 20 years with three children and my oldest (my daughter) is going off to college in th fall. I have been searching for someone to talk to about a similar/to almost the same situation. I'm not going to write much becasue I'm really hurting right now. 

Name: Iknowyourpain | Date: Aug 1st, 2006 10:44 PM
I read over all of the commends and suggestions given by many. If you have never been though this it's really hard. I know in time (like everyone have said) time will heal the pain. Well I'm hurting and I'm trying to cope with the fact that my husband had a child six years ago and I find out about it when a sheriff came to by house early one morning to serve child support papers. He asked for my husband and I said let me go get him and he said no I can give them to you and I said what kind of papers are you given me and he said "child support" papers. Well I was shock because I said I didn't serve child support papers on my husband, this his got to be a mistake. I read the papers only to see that my husband supposely had a 5 year old daughther who is now 6 years old -- I knew nothing. I have 3 children (2 girls and a boy -- ages 18, 12, and 10) my oldest will be leaving to go off to college in the fall. I was too upset about the fact he cheated but I was more upset because he had unprotected sex and a child was conceived. I'm not upset with the child or woman. The child deserves to have both parents but I'm having difficult time dealing with it and things between my husband and I are not good -- little communicaition. The woman had her own boyfriend and 2 other kids at during the time my husband was dealing with her and yes I made him take a paternity test just to make sure and the child is his. What hurts badly is the amount of money that has to be paid for this child with my oldest going off to college and tuition is so high -- he has very little to contribute now that this has hit the fan. I read pj754 comments and that is/was me but with more committed obligations. I wanted to better our family I do and did everything that pj754 mentioned but I work fulltime and went to school fulltime to earn my degree to help better our family situation. While I was doing all of this (not like he couldn't) he always claimed he had to work and was not able to attend games. I can go on and on about a lot of things now that I know what I know. He tells me all the time how much he needs me blah, blah. I'm torn for many reasons I have been searching and looking for someone who has experienced something similiar to me and soontobedivorced story came so close to mind and I believe I understand her pain. I feel that I'm the only woman this has ever happen to. I don't blame me for any of it because as much as I do as a mother and wife I didn't deserve this kind of disrespect. The funny thing is that he tried to blame me for what happen initially but I wasn't going for that.

Some folks are quick to say leave but it's much more to it. My children mean the world to me and they know what has happen -- not in full detail but because of the argument my husband and I get into. He tried to accuse me of having an affair just to make what he did justified. I can go on and on, the question I ask myself all the time where do I go from here? I know I probably sound like a broken record but I'm hurt and I need to be able to move on. I have gone to counseling but it this point it doesn't seem to be helping me. I'm confused. 

Name: iknowyourpain | Date: Aug 3rd, 2006 9:57 PM
I'm really upset today and I was hoping that someone responsed just to help me ease some of this pain of betrayal I'm feeling. 

Name: nikki | Date: Aug 3rd, 2006 11:10 PM
I am in the same situation right now . I'm having a hard timing dealing with it. My husband was never going to tell me intil he got CHILD SUPPORT papers in the mail. he hide it for 1yr and 3mths. does anyone have any advice 

Name: pj754 to Iknowyourpain | Date: Aug 4th, 2006 12:17 AM
You asked the question, where do I go from here? Have you asked your husband where do you and your 3 children stand in all of this? Hun, if you feel so much hurt, staying with your husband just for their sakes is not a healthy environment for them. He cheated and lied, not you. Yes, you have grounds for a divorce but are you going to get past the idea of what he did? You need to ask yourself, do you truly need him? Are you willing to love and trust him again? If you feel you can stick things out with your husband for their sakes, you are a strong woman. Love truly hurts and we are always hurt by the ones we love. Yet, if your children see that you are willing to go on living with your husband despite his mistakes, they may become very proud of you. Personally, I don't know if I could do it. However, I am willing to listen to you and talk with you as much as you would like to vent. I may not be able to offer to much advice but at least I could give you a listening ear or a internet shoulder to cry on. If you would like to email, please do [email protected] 

Name: iknowyourpain | Date: Aug 4th, 2006 2:26 AM
Thanks for responsing pj754. You're right about the environment being unhealthy for my children. I was trying to stick it out for better or for worst but I'm at a crossroad. It's so surprising to see how I'm the blame for all that has happened. Today, we got into an argument that lead into a fist fight (he had the nerve to call me out of my name). I have been married going on 20 years this month and since this mess has come into my life and home environment it has completed changed all of us. I am a strong woman, but I don't know if my children will be able to appreciate that I allowed someone or my husband to walk over me inspite of all I do for our/the family. What I'm I teaching my daughters and my son -- just allow someone to walk all over you, talk to me like I gotta take it, and then let him tell me that I love you and I know I made a mistake but I need you and the kids in my life. I'm afraid for many reasons one in particular my children, giving up my house (which I worked hard for) -- I realize I can get another one but I would have to change the environment /location of my last 2 children because he refuses to leave and tells me that I will have to buy him out if I want him to leave. The stuff goes on and on -- why would anybody do this to a person? Financially, I can take care of my children, I was only concern about me working as a consultant and not having that so called "safety" net since he had a more secured job. I always worked as a consultant because it give me more flexibility to raise my children, to participate with there school and activities, and to afford me an education. I know that I don't want to live like this and it hurts to know I put 20 years in for my marriage to end like this. To be honest, I'm not in love with him but I do love and care for him -- if anyone can understand that -- maybe I don't understand. 

Name: mom_of_1g1b | Date: Aug 4th, 2006 10:45 AM
To iknowyourpain and soontobedivorced: My husband and I had been a couple for 11 and a half years before we got married. We've been married for more than 7 years now. I have two children with him. Just last year, I found out that he had fathered a child with a woman 10 years younger than me. The child is now 2 years old (even older than my second child). The worse thing was, after this child was born, he was yet with another woman of the same age as the one he impregnated. In all these, I do not hate anyone but my husband. It was him who has placed me and innocent children in this awful situation we all cannot escape. This has been very insulting and very painful to me. I cannot understand how could he betray me and all our years together.

My husband said that his relationship with this child's mother was over and they have stopped communicating. But he's paying chid support by depositing money to the woman's bank account.

Though the pain is still very intense, I decided to stick it out with him, on the condition that he would let me know all about his correspondence with this woman. I let him continue supporting the child, even reminding him to make the monthly deposit. But just 3 days ago, I caught him in a lie. He had been maintaining a second cellphone just for this woman. He explained that the cellphone was just to relay messages between them as he had stopped sending money because he learned that the woman was not spending it on the child. For four months now, he had been sending groceries instead. Knowing about this is a lot less painful that first knowing about the child. What angers me now is that ke kept this "little" thing from me. How can I start trusting him again when he can't be honest with me? He said he doesn't want to make me angry over this and that he wanted to take care of things by himself.

Now I think I'm too stupid to be still with him, but I'm not ready to give up on my marriage.

To iknowyourpain: I understand how you can still love your husband. I love mine still. I feel that because of the long years we've been together, he is more than a husband to me. I cannot deny that we had good times, and it's impossible to just set them aside. 

Name: pj754 to Iknowyourpain | Date: Aug 4th, 2006 2:14 PM
Of course you love him and take care of him. Your a mom, that's what mom's do. I relate it -Your the mother hen taking care of all her chicks in her nest, including the husband too. I loved my ex and took care of him too. Yet, I couldn't stand to be treated like a piece of dirt. He took advantage of me and my abilities to have so much weight on my shoulders. The only responsibility he would do was earn a paycheck, cut the grass, and wash his truck. I wanted more from him. Then when things were going sour financially, I was to blame. Yet, he would help him self to the bank account anytime he wanted using the atm card. He felt if the money was there it was ok to spend. Even though, I explained money was tight for that particular week, he didn't listen to a word I said. He was very stubborn, strong willed and impractical. He felt just because he was the man of the house, consulting me about important issues was insignficant to him. Then when he became phsyical with me, I left him, left the house, furniture, etc.... Now, everytime his lawyer corresponds with my lawyer, he claims I abandoned the family for another man. Only to later find out he had been cheating on me during our 12 years of marriage. In my heart, I loved him but not in love with him and left him a long time ago. I had to get an order of protection against him because he dragged me out of the house by my hair and put some serious bruises on me. With the first order, he had to leave the house but I ended up dropping it because I was afraid what he would do to me. Then, I had to get a second order but this time, I left the house. I knew I couldn't afford it on my own and didn't expect any help from him. Once I got the second order, I was ordered by the judge to file divorce papers. They didn't like the idea that I dropped the first order of protection. During the time between the first two orders of protection, I consulted an attorney. He gave me a different outlook on my situation that was for the better. However, I did have a conversation with my ex that I had consulted an attorney and he treatened me. If I was going to draw the first blood, he said I would never see the children or get a dime from him. In the meantime, I didn't meet a new man until after the first order of protection. However, I wouldn't allow anything serious happen between us until after I filed for divorce. Needless to say, I got my divorce 2 years later, have primary custody of the children and my ex has to pay child support. My ex and I had the house in both of our names, so I had an appraisal done and he had to pay me half of the equity. As far as the contents go, I had to break in to get the things that were extremely important to me which wasn't very much. The rest of the stuff, I let it go. I knew all that was material stuff and could be replaced. Sure, it would have taken me a long time to acquire the things we had but mine and the children's well being were more important. I, too, didn't want to stay in an environment that was unhealthy for the children. I didn't want them growing up thinking it's ok for their father to treat me the way he did. I wanted them to understand it's either right or wrong, not gray. Two out of three of the children thank me everyday for getting out of a bad environment. They are much more comfortable with their life. They see the real me which they couldn't see before. Children have a way of telling things they don't like without coming right out and saying it. My daughter has expressed to me the nightmare she used to have when I lived with her father. She was terribly afraid he would physically hurt me and couldn't sleep good at night. Since, the change, she sleeps more soundly. She is afraid of her dad and was afraid for me, too. Now, that the boyfriend I met, moved in and we will be getting married in less than 3 weeks. She looks to him as her father. She sees the stability he provides and how happy I have become. Funny, she comments about me not being such a grouch like I used to be. I used to say no all the time. Now, I'm more understanding. I am very proud of her. Even though, she is 12, she acts more mature for her age. I never thought she would look up to me as a role model but she does. She sees the obsticles I hurdle over and keep on running.

The way your husband is treating you is not fair. It's uncalled for. He has no right because he was the one in the wrong. Your husband is always going to blame you because he can't except the blame for himself or for his actions. Sure, he's going to make you feel like your stuck and have no way out. Your teaching your children how to be patient, loving, and caring. Your teaching them that it's easy to just get up and walk out but learning how to work hard at a relationship. You are showing them that you are trying everything possible to get through all of this. If and when there comes a point when you do decide to leave, at least you know, you have tried everything. They will see this. They will realize, it's not you but their father, who as lost sight of the important things in life, them in a happy family environment. As you keep trying to stick it out, it will make you a stronger person of no regret in trying. You can only do so much but if your partner is not willing to meet you in the middle, what else can you do?? It's very hard to make that decision at the crossroad. Believe me, I've been there. As I look back, I'm thankful I did but that's just me. You have to do what's best for you. Only you can make that decision. I'm sorry if I'm not offering much help to you. 

Name: iknowyourpain | Date: Aug 5th, 2006 5:38 AM
Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. I had to laugh when you mentioned that your daughter (the 12 year old I think) said you were grouchy, well my 12 year daughter has told me the same thing. They really enjoy me when I'm not in the house. I feel so good when I go out to friends or family functions, I just have a great time with lots of laughter, smiles and hugs -- I'm aways clarified as the "life of the party". I often use to have lots of company at my house but for the last few years I kind of stop because the mood at home never felt too good.

I like to congratulate you on your upcoming marriage to your new boyfriend, and I'm happy to hear our children are doing well-- that's what matters. You really help me put things in prospective, I just need to work though some things. The hardest part for me when I'm alone is dealing with the loneliness, but if I just except or realize that I had been alone in this marriage for years and what I'm I holding on for now? I know part of the answer -- my children. Still again, I thank you for reading and responsing to me at a time like this, some people really don't understand what one goes through when something like this creeps up in your life. So many people are quick to say I would leave, get over it, etc., but I thank you for sharing your story and giving positive comments.

Also, another part that is hard for me to deal with is my husband started crowding my space. Every where I turn he's there, going through my cell phone (looking for anything to start something), clocking my time and if I was at work and didn't answer my phone (because I was in meetings or out to lunch) he would accuse me of not being at work and thinking that I was out with someone else. Then I found myself having to explain when their wasn't to explain, but to him it sound like I was lying because I couldn't quite remember or recall at that moment why I wasn't at my desk at a certain time - I mean I started feeling like I was doing something wrong. Oh boy, if I don't answer my cell phone I'm really having an affair -- I really started hating cell phones. It's times that I don't want to or feel like answering the phone. I receive lots of calls because I serve as president of a non-profit organization and the calls I receive becomes so demanding at times -- this is volunteer work I do after my 8 hours/fulltime regular job.

Again, thanks for reading and listening to me and II ook forward to hearing from you. 

Name: iknowyourpain | Date: Aug 5th, 2006 5:55 AM
to mom_of _ig1b -- I just noticed your message. Oh God! it just saddens me to no end to hear what we all are going though on way or another. You know for the last five years secretly my husband had been taken care of this child and if I really had of looked closer or paid attention I keep telling myself I would/should have done - he never had any money. I asked him what went wrong, how come now and all of this time she decided to take you to court. He says he don't know, I suspect she was on hand about leaving and starting a family with her and her other children and that he may have told her that he was going to but he really don't have much of a leg to stand on. One of the problems I believe my husband and have is because my income is more than his and he started feeling that I could handle it all and I fed right into that trap - I never asked him for anything -- I just did everything and now I'm tired. My reasoning for doing it all was for us I thought, but I realize I was wrong and I was the only one thinking that. I spoiled him and now I have to take care of me 1st and then my children. I do understand how you feel. I cannot offer any advice because I'm in the same boat trying to get myself together however, I can listen to you vent and provide support the best I can. 

Name: pj754 | Date: Aug 6th, 2006 7:33 PM
To Iknowyourpain: I know exactly how you feel when you said your husband is crowding your space. Being accused of something you are totally innocent with is his way of turn the blame on you. My ex did the same thing to me. I used to waitress at night and when I didn't answer his cell phone call on demand, he would come storming into the restaurant looking to see what I was up too. Then, he would hang around while there was a sitter watching the children at home. Not to mention, I was working just to pay for her to be there with nothing extra to come home with. He was trying to stop me from working so I couldn't earn any extra income on my own. He always thought I was hording my millions. Yeah, right. Finally, I told him if he makes me choose a job over him, he is going to lose. At that point, I wasn't going to let him hold me back. I, too, was the life of a party/gathering when I wasn't around my ex. I guess that's why I liked working. People at my job appreciated the real me. Even if I came across some grouchy customers, my sense of humor managed to put smiles on their faces. Then in return, when I knew I was making them happy, it made me happy. I enjoyed feeling appreciated. Regretfully, at the time, that was something my family wasn't giving me including the children. It's not that I wanted to be away from children in the evening but I needed to find myself. I was lost and searching for who I was. They couldn't help me. Once I discovered myself, I was able to gain control over my life. It was the inital step of moving forward that scared me to death. If I had a crystal ball, I would have been starring into it constantly. As I put all the faith in myself, things started to turn around. Today, my ex sits with a puzzled look on his face. He can't understand where this person came from. What he doesn't realize is this person has always been in place. I just didn't have the guts to push her forward. He thinks that my fiance is behind all my actions. Yes, he's a big help but he doesn't tell me what to do. He just helps to give me that push when I need it. This just tells me, my ex never truly knew who I was. I felt miserable being at home, even when my ex wasn't there. I was constantly running errands when I didn't really need to. I was using it as an excuse to get away. Although, if I had to run at night, that's when I would get quizzed with tons of questions. One night, I had to deliver pies that my parents order from the kids fund raiser at school. While I was visiting with my parents, the jerk called me there to ask when I was coming home. It's not like he was ill or needed my care for something. He was a big baby and thought I was meeting someone else on the side. Although, it didn't make any sense because I had my daughter with me. Then, he could give me the excuse that he's worried about my safety. I told him to give me a break, if it was my time to leave this world, there would be nothing he could do about it. I just didn't buy his excuse.

Your children will enjoy you again. You just have to find yourself and your place. Your husband sounds jealous of you making more income than him. That's sad. Once again, he's not looking at the whole picture. He should be thanking his lucky stars to have you in his life. If he keeps nagging and picking, he's going to loose the best thing he's ever had. There is a saying, "You can only kick a dog so many times before it bites!" You sound very similiar to way I am. You will keep trying and trying until you can't try anymore. That's ok to do. That's you. But at least you will know in your heart, if things happen to get worse and you do split, you have done everything possible you could do and not feel the least bit guilty. Sure you will feel a little guilt because you'll look at it as you are splitting the family up. Keep in mind, it's not you that did it. He just keeps pushing and pushing. I can only hope and pray your outcome will turn for the best. I know hearing this is very difficult. When the time comes, you will know what to do. Trust that good heart even though your head is telling you something else. Stay positve and focused on what really makes you happy. If it's your children, then do some things out of the ordinary to help get you out of feeling blue. 

Name: pj754 | Date: Aug 6th, 2006 7:43 PM
Also, thanks for you kind comments and congratulations. I'm very excited when I thought I wouldn't be. I thought I was going to have a rush of anxiety like I did the first around. Just another sign of my first marriage that shouldn't have been. Hang in there and keep communicating. It does help to know you are on the right track despite your husband trying to alter your feelings. You are strong and curageous but finding her and allowing her to do what you question might be right or wrong takes time. Time is on your side. 

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