|Name: pj754 | Date: Aug 6th, 2006 7:43 PM
|Also, thanks for you kind comments and congratulations. I'm very excited when I thought I wouldn't be. I thought I was going to have a rush of anxiety like I did the first around. Just another sign of my first marriage that shouldn't have been. Hang in there and keep communicating. It does help to know you are on the right track despite your husband trying to alter your feelings. You are strong and curageous but finding her and allowing her to do what you question might be right or wrong takes time. Time is on your side. ↑|
|Name: iknowyourpain | Date: Aug 7th, 2006 12:41 AM
|to pj754 -- All I can say is you are helping me day by day, and to read your comments sounds actually like me, running errands just to cover up. I'm a social drinker and I found myself wanting to drink more, but lately I turned against it because I never drink when I had problems and besides I was beginning to feel I couldn't remember anything -- I would wake up trying to remember what time did I crash for bed and what time did my children hit the sack. Don't worry, I haven't been drinking I have been reading and writing more to help me get through all of this and I must say you are truly helping me. I stay busy all the time, but I realize that I need to figure out what I want and how I want to go on. This weekend (Saturday morning) my husband and I almost got into another big fight, but I put my foot down and said if you think that you are going to continue to treat me this way, you better think twice ---- no threat -- just I'm fed up. My daughter will soon be going off to college (I'm really proud of her) and after I get her straight (no help from him), I will focus more on me and my other 2. I just need that strength when I'm feeling all alone and my emotions are running high that major wand comes to help me along. Thanks for listening and responsing back to me I really appreciate it during times like this. I can now write with a smile instead of tears, I'm feeling better just need to work on me and decide what I want. I feel either way my children will support me and they will be okay. As you said, if I did all I can or could do, then that's all I can do. I'm not going to pacify him anymore, he thinks by me treating him nicely and not arguing constitutes that we are doing GREAT, but I realize I need to keep a positive attitude (don't get me wrong because somedays I feel like exploding) in order for me to move forward and to take care of my other 2 children. ↑|
|Name: pj754 | Date: Aug 7th, 2006 3:10 PM
|Wow, you are experiencing the same things I had gone through. Yes, I was a social drinker, too. In my younger years, I used it on weekends instead of during the week because I wouldn't be able to function properly at work. Then, when I became a stay at home mom, I found myself using it during the week. it took me a long time to realize I was using alcohol as an accuse. I felt it would numb me for a little while just to deal with all the pain I was feeling inside and around my ex. Then as my children were getting older, they could see a difference in my personality and actions from the alcohol. I'm what you call a cheap drunk. It only takes me two glass of something and I'm feeling buzzed. I'm sure your not a heavy drinker and there is nothing wrong with using it in moderation. Except in my case, I was using it to become completely incoherent. I do consider myself an alcoholic because I was using almost everyday or when things were sour. However, I no longer feel I need it and as long as I'm careful when and why I'm consuming it and how much I consume. Plus, when I did consume alot at one time, I realized I was trying so hard to drown my feelings. Now that I am able to cope and handle my feelings a lot better than I did, I don't use the alcohol. I was using it to handle all the negativity around me. This is another way of trying to find myself while jumping over the hurdles. As all my emotions and feelings of anxiety were running high, I felt I needed something to calm me down. I have to tell you, after the birth of my last child, I was experiencing some depression. I didn't talk with anyone about it because I didn't want me ex to get wind and label me as a cracker. I felt too proud to admit it. Not too long ago, I reached the lowest point I could. My oldest son and I got into a fight, he shoved me into a wall, called me every name but mom and then called his father to come get him. He's been gone ever since. He has said he wanted to live with his father but I never thought he meant it. Plus, I know it's because he has no rules to follow by with his father. He lets all the kids do whatever they want without proper adult supervision. He's trying so hard a being Disneyland Dad. Instead of his father telling him to behave and not treat me with such disrespect, he caters to his behavior and wants to have his residency changed. He's only doing this as a dig to me and get out of paying so much in child support. He's not looking at our son's best interest. He teaching him it's ok to treat mom this way and get away with it. I want to get him some counseling but his dad says he doesn't need it since he's going to live with him. He emphasizes he can't afford it and doesn't carry any insurance on the children like he's suppose too. So, if I put my son in counseling, it has to be covered under my insurance which is through the state. Yet, this man is not looking at the root of our son's problem by just changing his residency. I'm trying to prevent my son's behavior effecting a girlfriend or wife in his future. Since my ex condones the behavior, why would our son need counseling?? He doesn't want the truth to come out what his father used to do to me. The reason why I told you this is because my emotions were out of control. I felt like a failure as a mom. Where did I go wrong with my son? Finally, I decided to seek a therapist to help me cope with a lot of past and present issues. I saw a doctor, who diagnosed me with depression and prescribed me a low dose of depression medication. I have to say it is helping. Since, I've been on this medication, I don't feel the anxiety with my emotions like I did. Now, I look back and wished I had done this a long time ago. I was afraid to admit my depression and didn't want to be put on drugs. However, I can tell you things will get better. My fiance put it to me like this...What goes over the devils back comes up underneath his belly. Bide my time. What my ex does to me will come back on him 10x's worse. You know, I truly believe it too. So, even though I go to court and fight, I'm doing all that I can. Only hoping my son will not hate me in return. It may take him 30 some odd years to realize it. Either way, I'm ok with the outcome. Granted, the other members in my household don't want him back because of his treatment towards them. If he does, great!!! If not, then I did my best. Unfortunately, it will be a tough hard love lesson for him to learn. He has to be the one to realize it.|
Good for you in putting your foot down. You have the right spirit!!!! No matter how hard you beat your head up against the wall in trying to make someone understand, it only hurts you instead of them. Fixing yourself is one of the most important things to do. Thankfully, I have a new family, who is helping me to see it. You, too, have the same kind of support from me. You have to keep telling yourself at the beginning of each day, today is a new day. What will I hit head on? Little does your husband know, he shouldn't mistake kindness for weakness. Your children will probably bounce from all of this better than you think. They are crying out for the real mommy, the one they will always love and care for. For her to be happy. You will rise above this. It's good to hear you are smiling. That's a start. My fiance sometimes would be blunt and tell me to stop the whoa is me pity party. At first, I was offended by it. Now, I appreciate he telling me so. He was right. We are the ones, who keep it all together. If I fall apart, everyone else does too. He didn't want to see that. He couldn't do it for me as much as I wanted him too. Manipulation is very tricky. It's strange how loved ones know exactly how to use it. I use to wonder if there was a course on it. Laughing about it, I created my own 12 step program in putting a stop to it. Just come up with words like young teenagers do today. Talk to hand, whatever, so....you get the idea. It sounds immature but it works. When dealing with an individual that doesn't hear a word you say, give them a response they wouldn't expect from you. They become dumb founded. As much as I don't like being nasty sometimes I can hit the right buttons with the wrong words. I will put it right back at them the way it's done to me. I'm just repaying the same kind courtesy. I know, it sounds pathetic doesn't it? Oh, humor is good too. Laugh and joke as much as you can. Even if you comment with humor and your the only one laughing, it's ok. Your not being mean, you just being yourself controlling the situation. Taking control of you. Ok, I've probably burned your eyes to a crisp reading all of this. Sorry!!! I enjoy taking with others and love to listen, too. ↑
|Name: Amaya | Date: Aug 9th, 2006 2:43 AM
|I'm terribly sorry that you have to go though this. I know how hard it must be for your teenager. i am a teen myself and have been though 2 divorces with my parents. its not easy at all. i really dont know what to tell you. i know that it is hard but i think that your husband has the responsibility to help raise that child. i know how hard it is to know that he is with someone elses kid. you may feel like you were not good anough BUT NEVER THINK THAT!!! you are good enough and now you need to focus on your life and your daughter. ↑|
|Name: iknowyourpain | Date: Aug 9th, 2006 4:57 PM
|to pj574 --again thanks for sharing your story. Sorry for the late and quick response but I have been extremely busy these last few evenings -- it's football season and I have been registering kids after work and not getting home until late -- too tired to read anything once getting in and at work I have been working on a task that has a deadline of this week. Sorry to hear about your son, but don't you blame yourselve. It's really hard to raise kids when both parents are not on the same page, and some kids know exactly how to play both parents. I have always told my husband (especially when he makes comments that I don't show lots of love), well I do show love just not in a disrespectful way. I believe kids should be kids and not be apart of grown up situations. Playing with them is one thing, but they need to understand when not play or talk to a parent, a teacher, or elerly person in certain ways. Some of the language my son uses when him and his father are playing is terrible and when I hear such words I correct my son and boy do my husband and I go at it! I have more to share but I will have to share it later (after work) -- I gotta run to a meeting. I'll pickup where I left off later this evening. I'm feeling better and sounds like you are doing great! Keep up the good work! ↑|
|Name: sally24 | Date: Aug 10th, 2006 5:56 PM
|Yes your daughter may feel hurt by the divorce but I am sure that is due to the circumstances regaurdless that this is her father what kind of example are you setting for her by continueing to stay with your husband I am sorry I am married but if my husband ever did that to me I may be able to forgive him but I could no longer be with him , he needs to go live his life and support this new baby and you need to move on you don't deserve someone that would do that to you. ↑|
|Name: iknowyourpain | Date: Aug 10th, 2006 9:02 PM
|PJ754 -- I'm continuing where I left off yesterday. It's so ironic that we share some of the same things and feelings. Iím feeling better but not myself yet. Iím writing without crying now Ė being doing that for over a week now. I havenít made any real changes at home yet Ė still in limbo but for the sake of my oldest daughter (just trying to get her off to school and deal with tuition) Iím trying to see this through Ė getting the things she needs for the dormitory. I have been working/looking into some long time goals and I feel pretty good about a financial move I made Ė 1st time I ever did something for myself and by myself like this. |
Thanks for sharing your story about drinking. I only liked to drink during fun times never because of problems. I since have not been drinking going on 2 weeks and I donít miss it, I just realize I was beginning to use it as a way to cover up my feelings, avoid what was happening in mine/my children life and reoccurring problems within the household. Donít get me wrong, not everything is peachy but this is a major hurdle/step for me Ė that behavior was not me. Itís funny how the ones you love and/or marry can take you out of your element. I was trying so hard to work on my marriage these last 5 to 6 complicated years and to figure out why were we arguing over pity/dum stuff and why he was coming up so short and tight, and never had any extra money when I was contributing/paying for mostly everything until I couldnít handle it all 3 years ago. When I informed him of our financial situation and told him that I would not be able to pay for everything he hit the roof but I told him I didnít care and he needed to start helping out more.
What I didnít know then, a child was already born (the child was already going on 3 years old at that time). Boy do I feel so stupid and used today but life goes on Ė never again! The reason why I felt this way is because I keep telling myself I should known, I should have put the signs together, especially when I couldnít get a car after mind was totaled (I had nothing to do with that accident). The car dealership said that I had been late numerous times on my car note (that was the only bill he had) and they would not be able to grant me another loan. Then I started checking on my credit Ė boy was it BAD, late payments and collection items all over-- nothing I did or knew about. Well, today I since straighten out that stuff and is has/is repairing my credit.
Iím not blaming myself but I just thought I was more intelligent and wise enough to figure this kind of stuff out Ė the truth is I trusted him and I had know reason to doubt him. I thought by him being busy with our kids activities (he finally started getting more involve with our kids activities within the last 4 years) I never suspected anything Ė I just assumed he was to busy since he worked midnights. Well, midnights is when it all happened -- maybe some nights he didnít go work Ė I definitely was checking or had no reason to check Ė you are where you say you are. Even today, I will never check or ask where you are. Maybe Iím wrong about it, but thatís the way I am for now. I gotta go but will chat later. ↑
|Name: iknowyourpain | Date: Aug 10th, 2006 9:08 PM
|My previous message should have read" I wasn't checking" ↑|
|Name: pj754 | Date: Aug 11th, 2006 2:02 PM
|Iknowyourpain....Sounds like your are making headway. Sounds like getting your daughter off to college is keeping you pretty busy? That shows she's very important to you and I'm sure she appreciates it very much. |
You mention that the last 5-6 years of your marriage was complicated. That's a start of realizing exactly when things started going wrong. I know this may sound ridiculous but my ex used to always have flowers delivered to our home on our anniversary. It just so happened the year I was expecting them, which was about 5 years before our marriage ended, they didn't show. He didn't even give me a card like I did to him. I was puzzled. I didn't say anything to him until about a week later. He shrugged it off as no big deal. Well, it was a big deal to me. It was something I was counting on. So, he drew flowers in a vase on a piece of paper. Still no card. I thought that was very tacky on his part. That's when I started feeling something just didn't seem right but I ended up shrugging it off. The next year rolled around and nothing again. Another hint something was wrong along with other issues in between. Like catching him viewing pornographic material on the internet. It wasn't just the material but the websites of individuals like you and I posting a message of themselves naked. I felt he was degrading our marriage vows. Yet, I believed in him when he tells me he wouldn't ever go to strip clubs. They were no big deal to him. So, what, I was suppose to believe that just because the girls weren't dancing in front of him that it was ok to look at them on the internet? NO!!! That's when I started checking up on him especially when my daughter told me she caught him looking. Perhaps it was coincidence that after I filed for divorce, he got rid of the internet service and his computer. He knew perfectly well the stuff would still be on his harddrive and he didn't want the risk of getting caught.
Your husband did wrong by you in ruining your credit history. It's good that you were able to get things on track. Having his financial ability towards his child didn't help your finances. You would think he would have a big hole inside his stomach trying to juggle everything without you knowing? My ex accused me of not handling the finances better. Since he was bringing home the paychecks, I was suppose to prevent any difficulties. Well, when he was turning down overtime or not doing any side jobs, where did he think the money was going to come from? He knew we were living beyond our means. He just had to purchase a Ford 4 door dually diesel truck at $500 a month payments. He would have to drive an hour and a half to work one way. I tried explaining that he didn't need the truck. It was an expense we just couldn't afford. By the time I calculated the insurance, fuel, payments, and maintenance, it was costing us over a $1000 a month which we didn't have to spare. Not to mention, since we lived in the country, the stupid thing wasn't 4-wheel drive. I call it his green tobogan. He has gotten stuck in it several times. He's such an idiot. I could see if we lived on a farm and had to care for live stock. No, we only had five acres with a house, barn, and garage. We couldn't afford live stock. He got the bright idea, he was going to fix up the barn and board horses. Yeah, ok, he doesn't know crap about horses and the liability expense we would have to care for them. He's always been the type to jump in with both feet and ask questions later. I have to laugh because on one of our times in court, the judge reprimanded him for putting his house and truck payment as more of a priority than paying child support for our children. Oh, buddy, he did not like hearing that. Everytime, I bring up an important issue to him and he knows I'm right, he gets totally ticked off. I guess the truth hurts.
Don't allow yourself to feel stupid. You were being a loving caring wife that had no reason to not believe in your husband. At that time, you were doing things like you've always done. No one would ever question that. Yes, you were/are intelligent and wise. He was the one, who took complete advantage of it. I'm sure you feel the same way as I do, being played like fool. Now that you know what he was up to, you are more wiser in making your decisions. This will help you to gain control of you and your life. You will get past the notion of feeling ignorant and blind. He violated your trust. That is something he will probably never gain back from you. He's probably afraid of having to pay you child support, knowing perfectly well, it would be a constant struggle on his own. Since you are paying for mostly everything, he doesn't want to change his cushy life. He's probably feeling the dilema on what to do. Yes, it's his responsibility to take care of the child but it sounds like your doing it, too. I agree, he needs to contribute more. He created this environment. I apologize if I seemed a little harsh today. I feel angry for you. Sorry!!!
I'm glad to hear you are not crying anymore. You are still going to have hurt feels pop up and that's ok. Your a female!!! Have fun with your children and keep up the positve spirits. Keep telling yourself, you are not going to let him get the best of you, like he thought he has. Thank you for sharing and I'm glad I can help. ↑
|Name: Remona | Date: Aug 11th, 2006 2:59 PM
|soontobedivorced do you still ove your husband? If you do and he has not been sneaking around with the woman then accept then find it deep in your heart to forgive him. I know it's easier said than done. The child is innocent, and the child has a 18 year old sister that they should get to know. Men are not perfect, that much I know. If you have not allowed him to bring the child to your home without feelinf like he has to sneak around then you have not forgiven him and you have not did everything in your power to hold on to YOUR husband. My husband has children from a previous marriage and sometime I feel like I don't want to put up with the mess of the other woman because of the children, but that is my husband and I'm not let him go to no one. Divorcing him is not going to change the situation, especially if you still love him. ↑|
|Name: iknowyourpain | Date: Aug 12th, 2006 11:44 AM
|REMONA-- What you saying makes sense but if you have never been in that situation it's not that easy. You already knew your husband had children before you marriaged him (at least that's what I understand from your message). It's totally different when your in a marriage and this happens -- you feel so betrayed and voliated. It's not right and yes you are right the situation remains even if the split but going on and forgiving takes time. I'm sure my husband is sneaking around seeing his child too, but right now I have three other kids (who knows a child exist but not the gender) and I shouldn't be the ones breaking it down to them but of course I know I will need to be there for them and right now I'm not or cannot go through this with them because I'm not completely healed. Saving my marriage has been the "number one thing" however I don't know about that anymore. I'm a forgiving person, and always have been and I believe today because my husband knows that from pass situations (not quite big as this one) he used me. The question here is , what are we really holding on to? True men are not perfect neither are women but do we keep excepting these behavior in society and then chuck them up with things like "they are not perfect"? That's a given. I don't go around hurting someone or doing something that I know can cause harm to others, and to destroy my home and kids life for a piece tale. Folks have many excuses why the husband or wife have affairs but none of them are acceptable. Finish the chapter or the book before you start another one -- simple, might maybe hard to do. If it wasn't for my children (and I'm still not sure about my decision) things would be so much different for me -- I wouldn't give him the time of day after putting us through all of this. I'm not bitter at the child or woman. I just need to work things out within me, my husband, my kids and just maybe things will get better for us -- just not sure. Losing him to someone else I felt has already happened and now that this stuff has hit the fan, where else can go? I'm his backbone and his always been their for him - he could always count on me -- but I guess he had to stray when nights I came in late from games, school, work, grogery shopping, school activities, kids dance classes, football practice, basketball practice, soccer practice, cheerleading practice, and just late because I wanted to eat out for a change. As I said, my husband worked midnights and just maybe that shift for his sexual pleasures was not good but it was convenient for because of day care expenses and kids activities. What happened when I needed him during my hours of need? -- I wasn't selfish and I knew he had to work, so I waited patiently and didn't fool around -- didn't even cross my mind, so just why do we need to fight for a marriage to last certainly it cannot be for better or for worst. ↑|
|Name: pj754 | Date: Aug 14th, 2006 1:04 PM
|To Iknowyourpain---Well said. I see you are still struggling and that is understandable. Your husband should have been patient with your relationship together, just like you. It's sad. You had no idea what was being transpired, yet you kept plugging away like moms do in keeping the family afloat. You are a very strong person and you have created a good foundation for your children to follow. Your communicating on a level that seems to be helping you. Your a very kind person with a good heart especially when you said you are not angry with the child or the other woman. Your pain will become less and less as long as you keep focusing on the positve things. I envy you for plugging away you do in this situation. Are you and your husband communicating or are there still some angry words between you two? Has he broken down to you? Does he show you love and affection or do you feel they are just words with motions? How have your children been? Is your daughter concerned for you while she is off to college? My daughter is 12 and sometimes feels the need to take care of me. I have to remind her to allow me to be the parent and for her to enjoy her childhood. I explain to her not to worry about me, I'll be ok. I don't cry anymore like I use to but if I do, I try not to let her see me. Yet, sometimes, I just couldn't help it. I blame it on the hormones and emotions of dealing with my ex. |
On a positive note, my oldest son came back home on Sunday for a week visit. He doesn't seem uncomfortable like his father said he was. Although, I haven't gotten a straight answer as to whether he wants to attend my wedding this Saturday. If he doesn't want to attend, I have no choice but to return him back to his father on Thursday because I need to leave to go south 3 hours one way. I really want him to attend but I have the feeling he doesn't want to feel the ridicule from his father and grandfather for wanting to go. I haven't figured out if this is all show just for a week or if my son is truly expressing his feelings. He's walked up to give me a hug and told me he loved me several times yesterday. I don't believe he wouldn't do that if he truly didn't mean it. My heart is so torn and afraid to trust for fear of it being crushed. I'm preparing myself for things that might not go the way I would like them too. I love him so dearly. I'm afraid maybe my love is smoothering him too much. I don't know. He's the type that doesn't say too much even if he had a mouth full of it. I certainly don't want to create anymore tension in his life that he already has but as his mother, I don't believe a 13 year old should be allow to call all the shots depsite what his father thinks. Perhaps you may have some advice in this regard? I'm trying so hard to give him the best life he deserves but everytime I think things maybe going smooth, the ex throws a curve ball. Anyways, sorry for rambling. You take care and keep me posted. ↑
|Name: iknowyourpain | Date: Aug 14th, 2006 4:04 PM
|My husband and I are not communicating like we should if we or I plan to keep this marriage together, but I know he wants to communicate with me more based on the dum questions he asks me but Iím just so bitter with him. Iím not sure if itís the kid any more. Itís so much other stuff that I have done for him and his family that makes be so bitter now. I was so close to his mother, it was like she was my own mother until one day, she turned on my children and me Ė to this day I still donít know why. It was okay that she turned on me but when she turned/closed my children out and decided that she didnít want to talk to them for a while -- I told her about herself and that I didnít appreciate it. I can tell you so much until it would be a book when Iím finish. However, my mother-in-law decided to pop back into my children life after not talking to them for at least 6 months (things are not the same, my kids donít feel the same way the use to about her and itís not fault of mind). I tried and did everything I could to fix this mess during those six months (including Christmas) writing letters, apologizing for whatever it was I did, planned dinner, etc. The sad part of it all I didnít know what I/we had done to her for her to mistreat me or my kids this way. My husband sat back and did nothing while this was tearing my kids inside out, my oldest daughter received counseling because of this situation and it helped her a little Ė she had to grow up and understand people for what they really are. During this time, so much was going on but I didnít know why or where all of the tension was coming from (itís so funny today to see when folks have messed up what their minds and actions put them through at the expense of innocent people.) |
Well, anyway during this whole ordeal my daughter was between taking SAT and ACT test, and studying/preparing for AP/IB test for college credits. She did okay (not her best) on both test but not as well as she wanted Ėshe started given up and developed ďI donít care attitudeĒ Ė now I have to pay for college tuition although she received some scholarship money but no where near enough to cover the cost. Iím glad she didnít do other things such as: drugs, drinking, hanging out with the wrong crowd, etc. She did confide in me the whole time and always spoke to me but felt she needed someone else to talk because she thought we always shared the same feelings and outcome but she needed to hear and be in touch and hear from someone else other then me. Again, it was so much stuff going on, my husband and I were arguing all the time, my kids were no longer seeing their grandmother (who came to visit at least 4 times a week and called them every day) to not getting a phone call or she would not even take their phone calls from them all together. The truth of the matter came out Ė all of the tension, disruption, and Iím sure other feelings were because of the child my husband had from the other lady Ė it was eaten him up (his mother claimed she didnít know, but I beg the different) and apparently things had hit the ceiling with him and her Ė she waited almost six years to seek support Ė the ironic thing is he was paying support to her all along and taken care of the care expenses but he was paying out cash Ė that explained why he had lots of cash advance on his credit cards Ė little did I know because I was never checking or snooping around in his mail or any of his stuff Ė I just lived in my own world I guessÖÖ
Then that one day, as high school graduation was approaching and I started sending out invitations, my mother-in-law started calling my oldest, my other children and me like nothing had ever happen Ė wanted to make sure I invite this person and that person and so on Ė I complied. The only reason why I believe she started calling is because my daughter was honored as ďvaledictorianĒ and she felt guilty and stupid for running out on her Ė they were close ever since she was a baby and to stop talking and ignoring her was one for the worst things that ever happened to my daughter and our family. Still I held it together Ė had more reason to want to be wasted but I had to stand strong. I feel like I just let folks use me and now because I donít talk as much to his family at all -- they feel that something is wrong with me and that Iím acting funny and distanceĖ Iím not -0 Iím just trying to protect my kids and my feelings from getting hurt again.
My husband has broken down to me with tears, but I feel itís a bunch of scrape. The financial portion is all I care about for now Ė I was willing to take care of the back child support payment so that he wouldnít have anything on his record or recorded down at the County, but Iím not sure if that was because of my own pride or I didnít want to be embarrassed if someone found out Ė all public records are available to everyone.
I donít believe heís sincere or he means it, he says that he does but I need more. Itís like pertaining to me, and Iím real Ė you canít turn me one like a light switch. I donít want anything from him or nobody if you donít mean it. Iím not the one to say I love you if I donít mean it and maybe because I donít go around saying it everyday, every moment, or every week folks get the wrong impression of me. I have learned from his family that they just say those words for convenience or for personal gain -- they really donít mean it. I say that because you can never love a person and then drop them like a hot potato for no reason or not give then some explanation on what changed or happened to cause a particular behavior.
My children are okay. My son has been so wonderful to me. Heís my little protector and helper. He tries to help me with everything, especially lately Ė I donít have to ask him to do it, he just helps me when he see that Iím doing something. I know he feels the tension I have towards his father but in spite of it all, he wants and tries to get us to talk. Personally, I canít stand the site of my husband most days. As far as the other 2 (the girls) my middle one comes with so much drama but she need lots of affection. Sheís doing fine just as long as piece remains in the house. My oldest is getting ready to go off and is anxious to leave Ė she probably wonders what Iím going to do because I have been more silent lately. They donít ever really see me cry, I kind of hold that inside me Ė I guess those are the days when I explode when I have taken all I can take.
Iím happy to hear about your son, in time he will come around. Heís already starting to. I believe you have planted the right seed in him already and heís reaching out to you but because of all the negative things he has been hit with from his father he lost site, but donít worry yourself to much about it, because you did your best. A hug means so much and being that he did that and told you he loved you Ė means the WORLD, so take the hug and his worlds in embrace them and move on with your life. Even if he doesnít make it to your wedding know that heís there with you Ė just heís struggling with what someone else is saying. Be happy, take care of yourself, and enjoy your new life Ė life is too short to be worried about everything. If you know that you put your best foot forward then you should have no regrets Ė do you and love yourself. Loving your son is not smothering him, itís what motherís do Ė we want the best for our children but in order for us to give the best , to love and support them, we must first give it to ourselves.
Thanks for listening and as always you are truly helping me in so many ways Ė I learning more are ME. I havenít had anything to drink in 2 weeks and Iím feeling so GOOD about that, looked at the stuff last while cleaning my house but didnít want it Ė thought it I saw it, it would make me want it but it didnít. I was starting to believe I was developing a problem Ė I just need to deal with my problem head on because itís never going any where it I try to cover it up with something else Ė that I know and have learned Ė thank you so much for the words of encouragement. ↑
|Name: pj754 | Date: Aug 16th, 2006 1:40 AM
|To Iknowyourpain---Thanks for your advice and sharing. I'm sorry to hear things are going very well. Your mother-in-law should be ashamed of herself. It seems to me that she is punishing you and the children. She's blaming you for not bending over backwards to make her son happy even though he has strayed away. Remember, while she is pointing her finger at you, she has 3 fingers pointing back at her. Sorry to hear you and your husband are not communicating. There is truth in the saying of our family members are the ones, who hurt us the most. The sad part is how much it affects the children. I, too, have had problems with my family. My step parents have ridiculed me my whole life. Nothing I ever do is good enough. When my step-dad moved in his Viper girlfriend a month after he filed for divorce from my mom, all hell broke loose. She was slowly pushing my buttons until I finally moved out when I was 19. He ended up marrying the snake when my oldest was 6 months old because his father was dying and he wanted a cash wedding gift. It wasn't until I filed for divorce that I needed my dad's help for a place to stay for me and my three children. I stayed in his home for a month until he decided to find me a place to rent knowing perfectly well, I couldn't afford it making $6.25 an hour working part-time. My dad and I have had our differences many times. The first time I stood up to him and told him exactly what I thought, I was very nervous but felt good in making him shoot fire out of his eyes. Needless to say I didn't speak to him for three years. I didn't bother to tell him when I got pregnant with my 3rd child. He called me *@cuing stupid, dumb and idiot, etc.... so I felt I no longer needed him in my life. I can tell ya, the three years were very peaceful. Then he stopped by my home one day with his Viper wife. I ended up giving them another chance to screw with my emotions. This time, I haven't spoken to them in over a year. I guess he treats me this way because I'm not his actual blood. Have you ever heard the saying, "Blood is thicker than water?" In my case this is very true. In my dad's eyes, I'm considered as the water. Now that he is best buds with my ex, who is moving in right next door to him, is another slap in my face. All I ever wanted was a family to love me for the person I am, not what they think I should be. It use to bother me and stress me out but not anymore. I can honestly say, I laugh about it because it shows me just how narrowed minded he is. Thanks to therapy in helping me to realize I can't change people no matter how hard I try. I have learned to accept them for who they are. I'm trying to break the cycle of the treatment they have given me by pointing out their behaviors to my children. To date, my step dad and his Viper wife will have nothing to do with my 9 month old. They think I'm stupid, on drugs, or just plain dumb for marrying a man that truly makes me happy. Once again, I laugh because they know I don't want to be a part of their pathetic miserable lives they live. My step-dad is a grouchy 350lb. farmer on the verge of a massive heart attack, who thinks his 1000 acre empire is something I should bow down too. He just doesn't realize that his material possessions is insignificant to me. All I ever wanted was to be loved like a daughter should be. Oh, well, his loss, not mine. I'm glad to hear you are getting a handle on your thinking and abilities to control any urges you may feel. Your middle daughter sounds just like my son. He's comfortable when things are peaceful but becomes wound tight like a clock when things are rocky. We have been struggling over the issue of him wanting to go to the wedding but says he's uncomfortable. Mostly because his dad will ridicule him once he gets home. So, at risk of putting him in the middle of the crossroad, I'm going to return him back to his father this Thursday. I would have been allowed to keep him until Saturday but I have no way of getting him home at 9:00p.m. when the wedding is at 3:00p.m. I am planning to take him to a counseling session this Wednesday and hopefully he will be willing to tell the counselor exactly what's going on with him. I hope the counselor will be able to find out if he is emotionally abused by his father. |
Listen, as much as we have difficulties in our lives, we can still hold our heads up high and move forward. Keep venting as much as you like. There are days that I need to. Thankyou for listening to me, you are helping me too. Even though your mother-in-law questions your lack of conversation, you do not have to explain yourself. Frankly, it's none of her business and obviously she isn't much of a support system.
Sorry for rambling on. I have to get going and I will chat more later. ↑
|Name: trying2moveon | Date: Aug 17th, 2006 4:47 AM
|Soontobedivorced. I understand the emotional turmoil you are |
going thru. My husband also has a child w/the OW. My circumstance is different in that I found out about the affair during the OW's pregancy. My husband was distant and acting out of character so I suspected cheating. After revw'g our joint cell phone bill, my fears became a reality. I confronted my husband about the OW and he admitted the affair and actually seemed relieved that I had discovered him. Well the affair was just the beginning, within a matter of moments my whole life changed. Not only did he have an affair, but the OW was 3months pregnant. My husband and I had been together for about 12 yrs at that point and had a 9yr old daughter. Needless to say I was devastated but I love my husband and wanted to find some kind of way to work things out. It's been drama every since. The OW refuses to allow us to move on. It seems she's determined to ruin our marriage. My husband's son is now 3, my husband pays child support(alot I might add, once you include childcare, and my now 2 children weren't even considered in the equation) I carry my Step-son on my health insurance as I carry the entire family and the OW still refuses to allow my husband visitation unless it's at her home over 2hrs away. I feel guilty because my husband hasn't seen his son in almost a year. I refuse to agree to visitations solely at the OW home as that was primarily done for over 2yrs with no progress and continous stress. I know my husband should go to court and demand visitation, but easier said then done. Between child support, day care and daily living expenses, we can't afford a lawyer. I say to any wife going thru this stay strong, go into the situation w/both eyes wide open and keep God first. After 3 1/2 yrs of going thru this(including pregnancy) I'm sure family and friends are sick of hearing me vent, so I pray for sanity, patience and strength to deal w/the daily struggles surrounding this situation. My husband and I have attempted to come to an amicable solution w/the OW, but she refuses to deal w/me. Funny considering she's the outsider that included herself in MY LIFE. Anyway the girl is 5 yrs younger than me and has alot of maturing to do. Feels good to vent. I wish you the best soontobedivorced and encourage you to do whatever your heart tells you to do. And re: your daughter, best advice is to maintain communication, be honest, don't bad mouth her dad and be there as a shoulder to lean on, you're both really going to need each other right now. The greatest burden is on your husband. If he thought he was stressed before, just wait until he has to deal w/and ex-wife, his daughter and the OW. ↑
|Name: soontobedivorced | Date: Aug 18th, 2006 4:21 PM
|Trying2moveon, You are one strong and couragious woman. Better that I am. It's been 2 years that I've been going through and I'm really getting tired of this. Men dont understand that women dont have to take this kind of treatment. I'm glad your husband is willing to listen and corporate with you. It sounds like he's concerdering your feeling along with the hurt and pain. Something like this is just a sudden shock and you dont have time to grasp a hold of yourself. I've asked my husband just so I would know that the affair was over, not to have any dealing with her or the child until the child is older, but he was sneaking around seeing the child anyway, well how am I to know that it's over between the two if he's sneakin. I dont think he's concedering my feeling at all, all he's thinking about is his own feelings. Well, I'm tired now and I dont want to fight anymore, therfore, I'm moving on. We have been seperated for over 2 months and I'm beginning to get a grip on things. He's still not with the OW but I dont think I want to deal with all this. I have prayed and now I'm moving on with my life. Good luck with your situation but I could never cover another womans child on my insurance and paying child suppost is really taking away from your family. I really do hope all of this work out for you and your husband and God Bless! All of this reminds me of a movie by Tyler Perry "The Diary of a Mad Black Woman. If you haven't seen this movie, please get you a copy, it was encouragement for me because in the end, the wife in the move was the one that came out on the TOP. ↑|
|Name: iknowyourpain | Date: Aug 18th, 2006 7:19 PM
|Trying2moveon -- I believe I can understand how you feel and felt about this situation. I'm not sure if you have children or not but some decisions are very hard to make when they exist, so things are sometimes hard to do or to swallow when children are involved. Again because having them around and going through situations don't make it any better or easier for the children either but it's so much to deal with and every bodies situations and circumstances are so different. I want to say I'm very bitter about what my husband has done to our family. I'm not communicating or should I say we are not communicating like we should. It's more me then him -- at first, I was willing to do whatever it took to get through this but lately I'm finding reasons and asking myself WHY. The child that was conceived is innocent and didn't ask for any of this foolishness, and she desires to have both parents in her life and to know about her other sisters and brother but I'm not at that point where he can discuss anything with him about this yet. Everytime I think I'm ready to face a conversation something inside me tells me MOVE ON -- but it's not all about me. When we use the words "never" will I do this or that, you may be one of those persons doing just the opposite. I'm sure her covering the insurance was not part of what she wanted but to keep peace or thinking the relationship would get better if she could helped out in this or that area would easy some of the tension, plan, hurt, or whatever. Tyler Perry's movie was good and I understand your point -- but again in that movie the spouse didn't have kids (I'm not implying it's okay to mistreat a woman that doesn't have kids) all I'm saying is sometime decisions of this sort maybe done for several reasons and I believe those reason are sometime done because of children.|
I put 20 years in my marriage, and I never thought this would happen to me nor do I know anyone that this has happen too. It's hard to talk to folks about things like this because at first you feel embarrassed, ashamed (as though you did something wrong or not enough of), you don't want folks bashing your spouse because your venting and most of all you're undecided on what to do, and just dealing with the betrayal, hurt, and pain is difficult. Oh their so many feelings, decision, etc. that runs through. Know this, if you loved somebody today it's hard to stop loving them tomorrow, so it takes time to adjust. As I mentioned before, I love my husband but I'm not in love with him -- I shared that with him during a counseling session we had and he was devastated (don't know why) because the way I see it, he should be thankful I have any love for him at all. I do care about his well being and I know that my children love him dearly and I don't ever want that taken away.
I gotta go, but being married 20 years is a lot years (may not be many to some) but it's a lot just to give up when you know you have built a foundation for your family and to loose it all for a piece of tale is a hard pill to swallow. ↑
|Name: elc0818 | Date: Aug 25th, 2006 10:25 PM
|I have been on the opposite end of the position you are in. If your husband did not tell you on his own that he was having an affair or did not tell you that he was having a child he does not deserve you. You are in a tough position, either you love him enough to stay with him and be a part of his child's life or he has broken that trust completely (without telling you before the pregnancy) and you should cut the ties. I was very foolish and had a one night stand with a married man from my work. I ended up getting pregnant as a result but I decided to not have him involved. Primarily due to making his children the victims of a choice that we made. He persisted in attempting to date me and also said he would continue an affair, I refused. It has been two years and he still has not told his wife. Any man that is willing to do that to his wife is most certainly not the type of man that you want to be married to. He got into the affair destroying your reputation and value with the mistress. However, the child of that relationship is innocent. He is the main culprit. He made the committment and he is the one that broke it. He is the one that you and your daughter will have to forgive. I never wanted another woman holding my daughter responsible for something I did. I'm lucky, I ended up marrying a wonderful man who loves my daughter as his own. But that child should not be abandoned because you emotionally can not handle it. You are trying to make him re-live the choice that he made 4 years ago. You or them. You can not do that, you can not expect a child to suffer because of your husbands mistake and that is no longer a decision that he can make. He has as much responsibility for that child as he has for you. ↑|
|Name: nikki | Date: Aug 28th, 2006 2:06 AM
|I understand your pain but when you forgave your husband, you were suppose to accept that child. The child was innocent and it deserves its father. It was selfish of you to tell him he couldn't see the child. Was that due to the thought that he might get back involved with the mother? Only you know how much you can bare and what you can accept. Do not allow anyone to influence your decisions. ↑|
|Name: soontobedivorced | Date: Aug 30th, 2006 4:59 PM
My husband did make a bad choice! Everyone keeps saying that the child is innocent and I understand that BUT I dont blame the child, I blame my husband and the child's mammy and it's not that I feel that he will get back with this girl but on the other hand he did wrong and if he want's to continue to be in my family he will have to let that girl find a daddy or a father figure to be apart of the child's life. He will have to pay child support therfore I feel that's enough, I feel that he owe me that much for putting me and my daughter through all this turmoil. He and the mammy should be the one's to hurt! We shouldn't have to suffer for his bad choice. Everyone keeps saying that this is an innocent child, yes it is but how is that child hurting???? by not having his biological father in his life well hell that happens everyday, father/mother die some abandon their children everyday... How will the child hurt? He dont know his finger nail from his toe nails right now so if she finds him a father figure how would he know the difference! I feel that letting him see this child is just letting him have his way but not with me in his life. I do want him to suffer just as I have suffered what he has put me through. Maybe when the child is older if he want's to know who his real father is he will find him. Maybe I am being selfish but you are not in my shoes to feeling what me and my family is feeling. I dont care ONE BIT about this outside child and I dont care how he suffer, let his mammy tell him one day that she was a whore and slept around with married men, let her tell him the TRUTH why his biological father is not in his life (because he was a married man) not to hurt him but to tell it like it really is!!! The TRUTH do hurt sometimes. Nikki, I did forgive him for sleeping around but I never said I would accept a child in my life and I refuse to let him have 2 families. I did give him a choice he could go and be with the child or he could stay with me but only that he couldn't have anything to do with the child, except pay his child support. He said he wanted to stay but he's so confused that he dont know if he's coming or going but sooner or later he will get it together but on the other hand I'm working on me, I do hava a plan for my future. As long as he's with me he shall suffer not because fathered an outside child but even after he asked for my forgiveness he was still sneaking and seeing the child, while I'm thinking everything was going well. I never threw it up in his face or talk about it. so until I get my stuff together he SHALL suffer. He dont sleep, all he does is work, work, working hisself to death but OH well, if that's the route he want's to go, then so be it!!! ↑
|Name: trying2moveon | Date: Sep 4th, 2006 4:30 PM
|Sounds like you have made the decision that your marriage is |
over. I don't see how you or your husband can be happy. I agree w/Nikki. When you decide to forgive him you have to accept the child as well, otherwise you're setting your marriage up for more failure. I understand what you mean about your husband not having two families, I feel/felt the same way. But I realized that my husband and I had to face this together. Marriage is a partnership and I needed to not only show him, but show the other woman I was here to stay and our marriage was for better or for worse. Once I knew my husband truly made a mistake and assured me that he wanted to remain married, it was my choice how I wanted my future to be. I was not the first wife to be in this situation and wouldn't be the last. You really need to sit down and decide what you can and cannot tolerate. Set some serious guidelines. When my husband's son was 1st born my husband was so confused. 1st of all my husband was the product of the same situation, so walking out of his child's life was not an option and I understood and respected that and honestly expected that of my husband. So my options were to go or face this with him, because he needed all the help he could get. I didn't feel comfortable with my husband going to the other woman's house to visit his son, but I allowed it as long as he went at our agreed upon times, that was hellish for me, but the child was only an infant so what else could be done. And as much as I suffered the other woman suffered more. The first year was so hard, I was confused, my husband was confused and we were trying to bring some peace and stability back into our household. I tried to contact the other woman and have a sit down to discuss the future, visitations, etc, but she refused.
She really didn't want to deal w/me. I tried to explain to her once you had a child w/a married man you will always have to deal with the wife. I tried everything to have this handled in an adult fashion, but nothing worked. During this time my husband was paying approximately $300/month in child support, which was reasonable per the child support guidelines, especially since the mother was not working. Well the mother decided to go back to school and applied for all benefits avail, eventually my husband was taken to court and ordered to pay over $700/month in child support. Sad part, the court didn't take my children into account when determining the child support. But the $700 is worth the piece of mind. My husband is still fighting for visitation and hasn't seen his son in over a year. He has attempted to have visitation, but the mother won't allow it, unless it's at her house. I say the child is old enough to spend time w/his father alone and my husband agrees. So now the guilt is on the other woman, she can explain to her son that she refused to allow his to see his father because he was married. But even if my husband was allowed visitation I was ready to accept that. I have been around his son on 2 different occasions and realize that I have no ill feelings towards him, he's an innocent child. His parents made the mistake, not him.
Not only that, but he has 2 sisters he should have the opportunity to know. I admit it is embarrassing, but only if I allow it to be. People will always have something to talk about, and I will comfront the situation as presented. I said all this to let you know that I understand how you feel and the feelings are natural, but that doesn't make them right. Your situation is different in that your child is 18 and on her way to college and sounds like you and your husband were at a point where it would be just the 2 of you, until you discovered this other child.
So now you have the decision of helping to raise another child, that isn't yours, and that you didn't agree to. I can only reiterate that you must either stay and accept the child or divorce. Or option three, stay in the marriage, have your husband continue to sneak behind your back, which he will do if he wants to be part of his child's life and live duration of your marriage w/a blind eye. Knowing when your husband is not with you he's with his other family. It was easier for me to confront the situation, accept the child and include his as part of our family. Although we're still not to that point, that's not because I wasn't willing, it's because his mother doesn't want her son to learn how to be a family from my family(a stable, loving 2 parent household w/siblings), and that was a concern she expressed to my husband, not something I said to her. The husband does call to check on his son about once a week or sometimes everyother week, but we now have open communication and it's made things alot easier and the trust is slowly coming back.
Things have been much easier between my husband and I since I've accepted his son. My husband now realizes what a HUGE mistake he's made. You can't change the past but you can your future. I hope this gives you some insight. I know I rambled on, but I wanted you to know that I've been there. Take care and God bless. ↑
|Name: k smith | Date: Sep 7th, 2006 7:26 PM
|i am sorry to hear what you are going through. i just found out 3 weeks ago that this young girl is claiming my husband as the father of her child. i am so confused i just dont know what to do. i kind of believe this other women ↑|
|Name: iknowyourpain | Date: Sep 10th, 2006 2:54 AM
|As I continue to read many stories and understand many of the feelings we must take care of ourselves. I know it's hard but you have to. I realize in order for me to move on (whichever way I decide to go) I have to forgive. As trying2moveon said "you can't change the past but you can your future". That's so true. Emotionally I was torn to pieces. I'm still not communicating well with my husband but it's not because of his child situation it just seems the older he gets the more immature he becomes and I just don't bother wasting good conversation, laughs, smiles, or mad fun with such a negative person. I know you must be wondering then why are you still there? One time it was for many reasons but actually I'm just trying to see how things are going to work out for my daughter who soon will be leaving in a few weeks for college and once she's set and stone I'll focus on my next move. I don't want to move my other 2 children but I really feel that I'm ready to start fresh again -- I'm really thinking hard about separating -- I just gotta sort some things out. I'm not hurting as bad as I was, every day is a better day. It's just terrible that situations have to fall in our laps like this, but all I can say is it has got to make us stronger. The main key is focus -- we need to focus on ourselves. ↑|
|Name: wife of adulterer | Date: Sep 16th, 2006 3:34 PM
|Hi, yes my situation is similar to yours and very painful. I can|
understand your hurt. I am stuck for now in my marraige because of my unemployment, inability to carry all the bills and
health problems. My husband of 26 years had an affair within the past year and a half, he now has a 6 week old baby with the
ex-girlfriend. We have 5 beautiful children ages 10 to 25 years
old. It is very confusing. Also I am watching the baby for one
week until the mother gets her daycare paid for by social services. It is a crazy situation, with betrayal, pain, alienation,
humiliation, and the baby needs love, I also believed that it
was important for our kids to know about the baby and decide
if they want to meet him. We have alot to work out. ↑
|Name: Lizzi | Date: Sep 16th, 2006 6:04 PM
|soontobedivorced,you are a harsh woman! I understand your bitterness yes,but you have no right to tell him he can't see his child.Nor do you have the right to continue to make him suffer. You either have to accept the situation for what it is and be adult about it and allow him to pay childsupport AND be a part of that childs life,or you can choose to leave the situation and become soon divorced if you feel you can't handle him being a part of that childs life. You have to realize no matter how bad you wish the situation didn't exist,like it or not,it DOES and that child and your husband have every right to see each other. That shouldn't be a problem for you unless you fear your husband still has feelings for this childs mother?You have to stop letting jealousy over this eat at you.It isn't healthy for anyone. And if you continue to have your husband suffer as you say then eventually that will destroy your marriage on it's own no matter if he sees the child or not. If he is sneaking to see the child,what does that tell you? It tells you that he would very much like to be a part of his life and I'm sorry but you don't and shouldn't get say so over that. Instead you either need counseling to help you get through this bitterness if you're going to stay with this man or you need to move on with your own life and let him go.But denying him the right to see a child that is his is nothing more than selfishness and jealousy on your part. You have to grow up and if you want your marriage to survive,get into therapy so you can begin to let go of the anger,and begin to heal.If you're so angry and want to see your husband suffer that's not much of a marriage for either of you. You either have to accept it for what it is and be adult about it or get divorced. ↑|
|Name: pj754 | Date: Sep 17th, 2006 2:46 AM
|To Iknowyourpain---I'm so glad to hear each day is getting better for you. You are on the right track. Focusing on fixing yourself when you know you can't fix everyone else. I certainly sounds like you know what's ahead of you and it's taking that step that is scary. However, you will be just fine and worrying about your daughter is your way of a caring and loving concern as a mother. I'm sure she will be just fine and will have some emotions about the sitiuation. Yet, when she see how strong you are through all of this, she will appreciate you more. She will always be able to come to you for any concerns you have because you have shown her through your examples how you are doing. I know you hurt deep inside and I'm so sorry that you have to go through thist. The more you focus on fixing your feelings each day will get easier. I'm sure you will run into rough days hear and there but overtime they won't be so difficult getting through. My hat is off to you!!!!!!! You deserve a great deal of credit along with a lot of happiness and I wish you well. Please keep me posted. I certainly love to hear how you are doing. |
As for me, I'm doing ok. My ex and I got into a terrible argument yesterday. I ended up calling the police on him to file harrassement charges. He's very angry because I won the custody battle of my oldest son, who is back living in my home. However, my son is very angry that he had to come back but I'm sure after May 2007, my ex will take me back to court for another custody change. Except this time, I expect him to try for custody of all three children. Yesterday, I told him to stop making comments about my husband and I. Well, he got very angry. Plus, the night before, he drove by my house which I live on a very secluded road around 1:00a.m. He was checking to see if the kids were home safely. My husband and I had gone to a concert and we had my in-laws to babysit. Well, my ex was being nosy. I filed stalking charges against him as well. He is turning into a real pain in the butt. He just can't get it through his head that I am completely happy and so are the kids. He's miserable and is trying very hard to make me and the kids miserable. Anyways, the police said it sounded like my ex has a lot of issues going on and told us to keep filing charges. Eventually, the States Attorney's office will get sick of seeing his name and will ended up having him arrested. Oh, how I long for that day to come. I realize the man will never change his attitude but it's very hard for the kids to go through. My son worships the ground he walks on and sad to say, I'm afraid he will follow in his footsteps. I'm hoping that counseling sessions will help him but I think his father has his claws too deep in him. Only time will tell. I did explain to my son, now that he's back home, there will be no more disruption in my home by him. Otherwise, his next step will be a detention home. As much as I hate to have to do such a thing, he needs to understand rules in life are made to follow by. Unlike his father, who thinks he never has to follow any kind of rules. He thinks the rules were made purposely to make him angry. I'll tell ya, this man needs to be admitted to psych ward at a hospital, he's not playing with a full deck of cards. So, for me, it's one day at a time. However, I am still learning how to handle my son as each day goes by. I've tried explaining to him that if I didn't love him, I wouldn't care. Yet, his attitude just doesn't seem to care. I've asked my husband where did I go wrong? What have I done for him to turn out like this? Just how have I failed him? He told me that it's not me at all. Most of this is the ex's doing and my son's rebellious attitude. It certainly breaks my heart to see this happening. As much as I'm trying not to allow all of the hurtful things my son has said about me in court, I can't help from hurting. I know my son wants to take the easy way out by living with his father, who provides no dicipline what so ever. The stupid man doesn't realize the kind of son he's creating. I only want what's best for him and to be successful in his life but his father obviously doesn't think I can provide it. I am keeping my head up high and not letting this man get the best of me. One day, he will have to reap what he has sown. Anyways, thanks for listening and you take very good care of yourself. ↑
|Name: MAC | Date: Sep 19th, 2006 9:59 PM
|i HAVE NOT READ WHAT EVER ONE HAS SAID. BUT, I FOUND OUT 4 YEARS AGO THAT BEFORE I WAS BORN MY FATHER HAD AN AFFAIR. APPARENTLY GOT THE WOMAN PREGNANT. HE NEVER KNEW IF THE CHILD WAS REALLY HIS. BUT TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT HE CUT HIS SELF OUT OF THAT CHILD'S LIFE. I HEARD THIS WHEN I WAS 21 YEARS OLD. I WAS SURPRISED THAT MY FATHER DID THAT TO MY MOTHER . BUT, IF MY FATHER WOULD HAVE NOT MADE THAT DECISION I WOULD PROBABLY NOT BE HERE TODAY OR MY BROTHER. SO, I FEEL THAT WAS THE RIGHT DECISION. THAT WOMEN KNEW HE WAS MARRIED BEFORE SHE GOT PREGNANT. NO IT IS NOT THE CHILDS FAUGHT BUT WHY WOULD THE MOTHER CAUSE HER SELF TO GET PREGNANT AND LIVE A CHILD OUT THERE. YES IT TAKES TO TWO TO MAKE A BABY. IT IS HIS FAUGHT TOO. BUT I KNOW WOMAN THAT WOULD GET PREGNANT ON PURPOSE SO THE MAN CAN MAKE A DECISION OR SO THEY CAN STAY IN THAT MANS LIFE. BUT BECAUSE OF MY DADS DECISION A MARRIAGE WAS SAVED AND A FAMILY STAYED TOGETHER. SOMETHIME YOU HAVE TO THINK OF WHAT IS MORE IMPORTANT. THAT OTHER CHILD, OR THE WIFE AND CHILDREN YOU HAVE TOGETHER. I KNOW IT SOUNDS SELFISH. BUT, BECAUSE OF SELFISHNESS MY MOTHER AND FATHER HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 30+ YEARS, HAD THREE CHILDREN, TWO GRANDDAUGHTERS, AND FOUR GRANDSONS. THESE ARE PEOPLE WHO WOULD HAVE NEVER CAME TO BE IF MY MOTHER WAS NOT SELFISH. i LOVE THEM FOR THERE SELFISHNESS. ↑|
|Name: pj754 | Date: Oct 19th, 2006 1:51 AM
|To Iknowyourpain---How are you? Haven't heard from you in awhile and was wondering if you are doing ok? Hope to hear from you. ↑|
|Name: iknowyourpain | Date: Oct 23rd, 2006 2:39 AM
|Hi PJ754, I'm doing okay, just hanging in their! It's ironic you thought of me, becasue I thought of you and this website tonight and said let me take a look and you had something out here for me. My laptop was out of commission for awhile and I just repaired it tonight. My daughter is off at school and she's doing great but of course I'm now dealing with the 2 at home and it's like having 2 newborns that never sleeps. Overall, I'm still working on me. Getting much better. Thanks for asking about me and how the heck are you and the family? ↑|
|Name: pj754 | Date: Oct 23rd, 2006 2:41 PM
|To Iknowyourpain---Hey, I'm doing ok. Would you being willing to email me, I have something important to discuss with you? You'll find it by scolling up under this topic at the bottom of my post to soontobedivorce. Thanks. ↑|
|Name: iknowyourpain | Date: Oct 25th, 2006 1:46 AM
|Hi PJ754 -- I emailed you earlier today, so please check your inbox. Thanks, Iknowyourpain ↑|