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Name: Cheryl
[ Original Post ]
My husband and I have been together 3 years and we have a 11 month old son. He also has 2 kids with his ex wife that visits every other weekend. The problem is his ex is continually playing games and starting trouble. Recently, she has been taking the kids to buy my husband Fathers Day gifts, cards, XMas gifts, Birthday cards, etc. Mind you , my husband caught her cheating and kicked her out 5 years ago and she married the man she was cheating with. I was always the one that took the kids to buy any gifts for him. But now she is stepping in as if shes still married to him and doing. He has told her to quit, that he wasnt married to her anymore and it is not her place. But she is still doing it! When we first got together she didnt do this, except for the 1st Fathers Day. She cant have her cake and eat it too. She gave up her rights doing things for my husband a long time ago. How should I handle this?
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Name: tb | Date: Jan 25th, 2006 11:48 AM
I would just concider the gifts are coming from the kids. She obvisouly won't listen when you guys tell her to stop giving them. Maybe she see it makes you upset and that's why she keeps doing it. She found away to get to you and your letting her. So I say don't even act like anything is wrong and maybe she will stop when she realizes she can't get to you anymore. Good luck!!!!! 

Name: barb | Date: Feb 17th, 2006 5:38 AM
you can not deal with people like that just live your life or you will go crazy. people who are this way are twisted. you will always be on the defence if you try to deal with her .... let her play her pity games who cares don't get sucked in.......my ex is the same way ... its difficult because its so hard to understand how people end up this... so don't even try good luck 

Name: pb | Date: Feb 28th, 2006 7:44 AM
Girl, I have to deal with the craziest ex-wife of all. Ignore her! Pray and put everything in Gods hand, he will deal with her. The main thing is to not let her affect you and your husbands relationship. Her goal is to upset you. People who upset you gain control and that feeds them even more. 

Name: To Cheryl | Date: Mar 1st, 2006 12:06 AM
wow!, someone here extremely negetive! 

Name: Patty | Date: Mar 24th, 2006 7:44 AM
You need to think about what you have now...your life, your child, your husband. She is a mother, she is trying to help her kids continue a relationship with there Father that they had prior to the divorce. Let her take the kids to buy the cards because the kids need to feel like they are doing somehting for there Father and she is just a tool to help them achieve this. She means nothing to your husband, she is probably a thorn in his side but the kids need that communication between Mom and Dad. Look at it as if it were your Mother and Father, they have no feelings for each other but the kids will always be a part of thier lives as your child is bewtwen the two of you. Good luck, relax adn love the kids because they will remember everything. 

Name: Donna | Date: Mar 25th, 2006 4:22 AM
It's ok for her to encounter the expense of buying her children's father a gift. Take your child and purchase your own gift for him. I would include his children though! Eventually, they won't ask thier mother to help them because they know it's something you and them do for him!

Maybe you can call the kids and ask them if they'd like to go with you to buy thier father a gift a week before it's time. Make your own arrangements with them. If she's truely trying to upset you this will upset her. If she's innocently helping her children then she'll appreciate you.

Good Luck! 

Name: Nadine | Date: Mar 30th, 2006 11:18 PM
I would tell my husband to not accept the gifts and tell his ex that she should not be messing with their childrens minds by playing unacceptable games. She made her decission and it should not be going backwards to suit her guilty conscience. He has moved on and has a family with you that she apparently did not want all those years ago and that you are not going to be paying for her mistake for the rest of your lives together!! 

Name: JESSICA | Date: Mar 31st, 2006 12:20 AM

Name: same situation | Date: Apr 24th, 2006 6:06 PM
I am dealing with the exact same thing. I recently spoke with her on the phone and she told me that my husband would always choose his son and her over me. When I tried to explain that his son should come first, but that I came second she told me they were a package deal. She is only trying to puch your buttons, do not react to this. Put your Family first, plan like she does not exist. Act if she is not part of the life you have, and she is not. 

Name: Terri | Date: Apr 29th, 2006 1:51 PM
She is doing this to cause problems. Just take the gifts and return them afterwards. You take the kids too and buy him gifts as usual and give them as usual. If your kids are a little like mine, they eventually forget about the things they bought DH anyway. She'll quit eventually. 

Name: dava | Date: Apr 30th, 2006 3:32 AM
Just remember that narcisstic (borderline) individuals "love to push your buttons" ...She FOUND yours .....IGNORE her and her borderline behavior....She will not continue behavior that elicits NO response or anxiety from you..She's Not looking to have her cake and eat it ,too...NOTHING to do with your husband...Sounds like YOU are her present target..... AND you and continue the negativity....And then turn it around on you, to your husband ( Your NEW wife is so insecure..., how could she find fault or become angry about my wanting to accompany OUR children and /or driving them to the store to buy a (example) FATHER"s DAY CARD? AND SHE IS GOOOD...Your husband's ex-wife and her adultery have absolutely NOTHING to do with the children's BIOLOGICAL MOTHER assisting them in choosing cards for their father.. You BOTH need to drop it and ignore her...GETTING LOTS OF ATTENTION FROM BOTH OF YOU....DUH....and soon, she will be sitting back and watching the drama she initiated as you and your husband are at each other's throats...Ignoring a narcisstic (borderline) individual's behavior is the wisest course of action..They are fairly predictable in their subtrefuge and idelight in attacking one's area of weakness or sensitivity and "PLAY " you.....Because you appear to be insecure , she will receive satisfaction from increasing those feelings and watch the situation escalate...These people , however become CONFOUNDED when you do not REACT (when the button is pushed).. Do yourself a favor, call her or speak to her face to face and THANK her for taking the children to pick out cards for their father...Ask her when you can count on her taking the children to select cards for their father, so you can plan and call for reservations for her ex and you in a four star restaurant, to savor an incredibly romantic dinner.....Tell her how much YOU appreciated the last time she took the children, because it enabled you to make a trip to the Beauty Salon, that you could not have done without her assistance....You get the picture...Then follow through ....DO IGNORE her , and display your delight that her taking the children card shopping would allow you to share some intimate moments with YOUR husband...HOHOHo, bet the behavior vanishes.... 

Name: c anne | Date: May 7th, 2006 6:01 PM
I agree with many who have said that if she did it to keep the kids seeing good teamwork and focus between (ex) parents, but if as a jab, inappropriate- not good to return back presents but to still go with children and get own for him too- take the higher ground. I guess the big question would be is how the ex that gave the presents acted 'after' giving to the ex. If she then was asking the kids 'did he like what I picked out, what about this, how did he react when..." that kind of thing, then it would be appropriate to tell the husband to tell his ex that he is sending the kids mixed messages (that it looks like she did it more for her than them), and perhaps advise the ex that she (or he with her) get counsel to resolve that so she can move on because he has no plans to humor or continue allowing her to send mixed messages/confuse the kids. But that has to come from your husband- not you- otherwise it could further mix up the messages to the kids- "he" needs to stop the games/not allow it if in fact that truly is happening. 

Name: Brenda | Date: May 8th, 2006 6:55 PM
My husband has a ex-wife that is narcisstic and it is impossible to have a relationship with the adult children. It is her way or no way and give the kids trouble if they are with their father and are very controlled by her. I don't see any possible answer? 

Name: Serina to Cheryl | Date: May 10th, 2006 1:27 PM
How is everything? Anything new ? Better I hope...
Take care!!! 

Name: Lana | Date: Jun 19th, 2006 5:16 PM
Dava - I agree with you 110%! My husband's ex is an extreme narcissitic. It's all about her and using the 2 children as chess pieces in her master manipulation games. She alienates me, has assaulted me 3 times, and attends my husband's family holiday gatherings and events. This Father's Day, she purchased my husband a gift for the children to present to their dad in front of me, the oldest stating, "This is from (her name) and me." I took the children to buy a gift for him anyway as I had originally planned. Afterwards, since she will not let me speak to the children, I email the children from the both of us (which I am sure they never get) thanking them for finding the perfect gift. 

Name: Tamora | Date: Jun 27th, 2006 9:01 AM
Tell me why can't the children's mom help the childen buy their father things for him again?
How old are the kids? Are they old enough to drive and make purchases themself? Why is it that your own child is welcome to reap the bond and love of daddy, when the other 2 are bunted out? Another thought, maby your 2 step kids are old enough to now understand fathers day and so forth. I know haw exes are and if this is the biggest problem you have with her then the road ahead is going to be bitter. 

Name: Michelle | Date: Jul 4th, 2006 1:49 PM
OH YEAH, I can relate!!! I have the same issues with my boyfriend's ex wife. She still likes to get into his personal business & leave lengthy message after message on our voice mail. She says innappropriate things & tries to still act like his wife in many ways. My friends tell me to bide my time as she will find someone else & move on. I wonder.... who the heck would want her? She has even made homemade chocolate chip cookies for him recently, 4 dozen!!! How sweet! 

Name: guest2 | Date: Jul 20th, 2006 5:25 AM
hi in your case you be the bigger person and let her know that she gave up that right to be in his life when she consciously decided to cheat on her husband. its just too bad women these days throw away good men...i have a good husband who also caught his wife cheating and dumped her... 

Name: Carmen | Date: Jul 25th, 2006 5:11 PM
Act like a maniac and call her every name in the book. 

Name: montanagal2108 | Date: Jul 28th, 2006 8:41 PM
I am dealing with a similar situation. If she realizes that she is bothering u by buying the gifts she will continue. If she no longer gets attention and mayham she will stop and try another angle. It's a vicious cycle. Just hang in there and hopefully she will realize that her little games are not gonna effect you or your husbands relationship. What ever you do don't sink to her level be the bigger person. Show the kids how adults should act so that they have a good role model. 

Name: TBad | Date: Aug 15th, 2006 5:46 PM
I would tell you to confront her. Send her an email or a letter in the mail. Tell her you do appreciate what she is trying to do but that you are his wife and that you will take care of your husband. I would just consider the cards from the kids. Be glad that she is at least being nice. You could be in my shoes, our X-wife calls her attorney any time something doesn't go her way. She is emotionally abusive to there daughter and she even slaps and pushes her around sometimes. We are currently in a modification of visitation suit with her (my husband has custody). This made things worse when we filed this on her. But she is a major pain, she lies all the time, and she constantly puts their daughter in the middle. She too had an affair and my husband divorced her and she married the guy she cheated with. My husband's x loves to make life miserable for us. She lives in a fantasy world and loves to tell people that my husband still has the hots for her.(Trust me he doesn't, she is very unattractive and just a Bi--h.) She is really crazy. I guess what I am getting at is this, sometimes you think you might want to trade your situation for a better one, but maybe it isn't as bad as you think it is. Besides you have your husband and she doesn't. That should be all the satisifaction you need. 

Name: Momma2 | Date: Aug 30th, 2006 6:17 AM
I understand that there are many games this woman must be doing to hurt you beacuase of her own personal pain. As a single mother who has to deal with a uninvolved partially (there when he wants to ) absent father, it is challenging when holidays and special occasions come up. I have to swallow my pride when i take my son to buy a Fathers Day card or a Birth day card for his father. I believe it teaches him respect and custom and to honor ones father, even if he is not the greatest dad. If his new wife (whom I just found out about 3 days ago and they have a 5 month old that my son has been trying to tell me about but my ex lied through his teeth for over a year) Anyway, if his new wife was upset about the cards I would be offended because I thought that my 5 year old was not old enough to buy or go to store unless I helped him. We all are responsbile for teaching values and integrity to children. So maybe the children should not see your anger at their mother, they already have alot going on and probably are happy to buy their dad gifts with mom (they did make the children together as sad as it seems sometimes), it may make them feel better...maybe they asked her to...they only see Dad a few days a month, and she has them all the other days, you can enjoy your new baby with your husband...can you imagine what that must feel like for them...dad gets new baby and we dont see him like we would want to, and mom is a trip or cheated on dad. You can talk to them and assure them of your love and also buy gifts with them, respecting their gifts to their father..they will see it like they did something wrong...Maybe this can help them give you respect as their step-mother, they will learn grace through you... with a new baby they must be going through alot themsleves...it is a hard road...be well 

Name: Salochna | Date: Aug 30th, 2006 11:51 PM
Just keep an eye on your husband. he might be having relationship with her but hiding it. If you trust and love each other nobdy can come between you but if you fight or show some sign of distraction from each other the second oerson will take advantage. bye 

Name: Layne | Date: Aug 31st, 2006 12:57 AM
I always bought MY SONS gifts for his father or anyone else. Let there mother buy the gifts. They are her and his children. This is one of those deals you make when you take on a new man with a past. Maybe the kids ask the mom to buy them. Kids come first. Dont worry about petty issues. It makes you seem insecure. Thats a turn off. 

Name: feel your pain | Date: Sep 7th, 2006 1:47 AM
i have an ex to deal with too and she drives me crazy. it would actually take me all day to tell you about it and wish I had someone to talk to about it. As a mother of the child she has the right to take the child out to buy him gifts. I take my daughter out to buy her father gifts and he does the same in return. On the other hand, my husband's ex no longer takes their son out to buy him gifts, it's become my responsibility.
There's more to this story and would love to talk. I'm actually going through a tough step child/ ex problem at the moment and have no one to talk to. 

Name: feel your pain | Date: Sep 7th, 2006 1:49 AM
Layne, I agree with you..... 

Name: pam | Date: Sep 7th, 2006 5:45 PM
while i was married to my ex-husband i had very similer problems with his ex, after awhile i relived she was trying to get to me by doing such things, she knew we would fight about it and she was right. I stopped reacting to those things , i said nothing once she relizes it no longer causes the two of you to fight she'll stop. i know its really hard but trust me , smile and kill her with kindness, she'll relize that you and your husband are secure and whats shes trying to do wont work. hang in there and good luck. 

Name: Marla (FYP) | Date: Sep 9th, 2006 1:01 AM
Pam, How do you not let it bother you? I try really hard, but sometimes I can't help it. 

Name: Sheila | Date: Sep 11th, 2006 6:40 PM
Tell your husband not to accept the gifts! Or better yet.. keep them and have fun with them. Can't lose either way. You could regift if you need to. Dont let this bother you... Guess what? He's with you ... not her. Your jealousy will push him away! RELAX!!! 

Name: Sheila | Date: Sep 11th, 2006 6:49 PM
P.S. Why does everyone think she has an ulterior motive of pissing you off! 

Name: Dana | Date: Jul 3rd, 2007 5:03 PM
Take it from someone who has been there done that. As long as they have kids together....she'll NEVER GO AWAY. Nor should you expect her to. I had to come to that relization myself when I started seeing a guy who has two beautiful children by another woman. It drove me nuts at first. This woman is trully crazy. Classic control issues and refused (and still refuses) months later to MOVE ON. I had to decide if this guy and his babies, whom I also love, was worth the headache that is the dreaded X. Thats what you are going to have to decide as well. If you find you can't take it anymore my advice is next time you get involved with a man....try to find one who doesn't have children with another woman. 

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