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Name: DivorcedMomOf2
[ Original Post ]
I met my husband 7 years ago and wasn't totally into him from the beginning, but it was charming that he seemed to think I was the bees knees.
He was young (24) but he'd already been married before and had a young daughter. He and I were only seeing each other for 2 months when (dispite taking precautions) I found out I was pregnant. He and his ex-wife used to fight on the phone a lot and that was a big red flag to me. Then he got really jealous and started snooping through my things and that was an even bigger red flag to me. We began fighting like crazy and I broke it off with him. He seemed devastated. He sent me flowers, poems, emails, and letters everyday to say he was sorry and would change. By this point, even though I wasn't over the moon about him in the beginning, I'd gotten comfortable with him and he had a lot of good qualities and I thought that if he could just curb the jealousy then maybe we could make things work. We were having a child together so he wasn't going away.

We got married a year later. The fighting got better (mostly because I just chose not to fight) but over the years there were countless occurances where I found a flirtatious email he'd sent to another girl or another girl would call the house for him after he'd been out all night without coming home. He always had explanations. Mostly that it was an ego boost to flirt and be flirted with but it didn't go any further than that. He said he'd been out all night at a guy friend's house because he was drinking and it was late and I always asked him not to drink and drive. Plus it always sat in the pit of my stomach that I wasn't that into him. That I'd grown close to him but I wasn't really attracted to him. Our sex life suffered because I was fond of him like a brother instead of a lover. His flirtations got worse until I eventually found that he had profiles on online dating sites looking for sex with other women. I confronted him and he said that it was just to take care of himself by looking at other posters' pictures but he'd never actually talked to any of them. Then I found him on another site (less sleazy) where we was talking to and flirting with dozens of girls. I felt so foolish to have thought that he was so smitten with me. It all felt like a con. And most of my feelings for him had been that he made me feel like he loved me more than anyone would ever love me.
I still tried to stay but I wasn't into the marriage anymore. I was tired of feeling like I was marreid to my brother. I began flirting with a guy at work but felt horribly guilty about it. Then my husband found out about my flirting and told me to leave and we got divorced.
When I left I felt like the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders while my husband was completely devastated. Much more so than before. He became a complete mess while I began a relationship with the guy from work.
Now, almost a year later my frustration with my husband has faded and I deeply miss the friendship we had. He's got so many good qualities I feel like I'm throwing out the baby with the bath water by divorcing. My husband still wants to reconcile and I'm still seeing the other guy. The other guy is mature and kind and would never in a million years do all the bad things my husband did. And I'm attracted to him in the way I never was to my husband. However, I'm still not close to him in the friendship way I was with my husband and it's so hard to leave that behind. Now my ex-husband and I are still very close and talk of possible future reconciliation every couple of weeks. I feel like I need to stop thinking like that and just close that door in order to develop a bond with my new guy like I had with my husband but I'm having a hard time closing the door completely.
I feel like I have so much love for my husband that maybe I just left pre-maturely and maybe things would have improved if given more time. Why am I ha ving these thoughts? Is this normal? I know I was never satisfied in my marriage. Why do I miss it so much now? And why am I having such a hard time letting go of a man that I only loved like a brother? I still do not find myself sexually interested in him. I know that wouldn't change if I left this other guy and we reconciled. How do I mentally move on??
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Name: tb4 | Date: Mar 28th, 2007 10:45 PM
Divorcedmomof2---You did say....there were alot of red flags floating around in regards to your ex. Even though deep down inside you feel you truly love him but there's always that possiblity that he could become worse in his behavior or cheat on you only because he knows that no matter what he does, you will still take him back. If he can't give you the decency of only having eyes for you by treating you better than himself, then he's really not worth the efforts. Sadly, he sounds like he's always going to flirt, go out and stay out late or not come at home because he knows you'll put up with it. In the back of his mind, he thinks you condone his behavior and will continue to do it. You've answered your own questions by saying that your not attracted to him sexually. Sure, a relationship doesn't have to based on a sexual relationship but if two people truly love one another, it's one of the most important things between two people. There is a great emotion that goes into it. With his having wandering eyes and a flirtatious attitude while he turns around to become jealous of you....is stating loud and clear that he is trying to shift his own guilt upon you. I'm sure your heart wouldn't tolerate the fighting and indiscretions of him again. If the guy you are seeing now gives you the utmost respect and cares about you and your feelings whole heartedly, then he's the one you should spend your time with. Oh, sure, you will probaby always have feelings for your ex because of the good qualities you see in him but your not going to change him. Sometimes, we reach a point by searching for what we truly want in our lives that makes us happy. You have to decide if your ex is the one, who truly makes you 100% happy.

I, too, had the same feelings towards my ex. I loved him like a brother opposed to a lover. Yet, I stood by him for 12 years only because I did care about him. Sadly, it wasn't enough. I needed more. I needed to feel the emotion and love I thought I deserved but wasn't getting. My ex did the same similiar things you caught your ex doing. After several times of overlooking his flaws, I realized, I didn't want to continue my life with him. Even after I filed for divorce, I still felt guilty for leaving because he made it look like he was so miserable. Yeah, sure he was miserable b/c I wasn't there to pick up his pieces or overlook his flaws even though he treated me like I was completely ignortant and stupid. Yet, he would accuse me of having affairs, when I later found out, he was cheating on me all along. He always tried shifting the blame on me, when I did nothing wrong which seemed like it was often. I tried, my heart ached and no matter what I did, I still wasn't happy. I will tell ya, the feelings you have for him will subside but only you can allow them, too. You have to stop second guessing yourself about your relationship with him and start telling yourself that you did make the right choice to move on with your life. The things that happened in your relationship with him was not your fault one bit. It was all him but he's trying to make you think it was all you. Perhaps the qualities of the new fella is completely different than your experiences with your ex. Keep searching out those qualities and think positive about yourself. I've been told that my ex would take me back in a heart beat but I know deep inside my heart, he would never change and things could be worse if I had gone back to him. Things did get worse when I was married to him. Give your thoughts some time to sort out and your feelings of your ex will start to fade away. If you have too......avoid your ex as much as possible. Although, since you do have a child with him being around him will test your will power towards him. Try to stand firm and believe in yourself and what you want.....not what he wants. I don't know if I've offered you much advice but I can say it will get alot easier over time. I hope the best for you and please, keep us posted. 

Name: AngeBee | Date: May 9th, 2007 10:24 AM
I am struggling with sitting on the fence myself, we are trying counselling but to him its more a game of tit for tat what's wrong with me there must be more wrong with you sort of thing, blame game.

We have a two year old girl and one on the way. And like you I had red flags from the moment we got together and feel that the only reason I married him was because I felt sorry for him and that I could fix all his problems.

He loves me the best way he can and i really don't think he means to talk to me the way he does but that he doesn't know anybetter. The thing is I am sick of making excuses for him and don't think its fair that I want him to change to make me happy, but if he wants to stay in this relationship something has to change.

How do I come to the decision whether its worth fighting for or not. Because he is wonderful father. 

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