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Name: mlevy396
[ Original Post ]
My heart is breaking for my new husband. He is a wonderful father who pays his child support religiously, and sees his children whenever possible. His ex wanted a divorce 5 years ago (midlife thing) and treats him as though he was the one who left her. She belittles him to his children and talks to him with such anger and distain in their presence. He hates me basically because I am with him and she can't control every situation anymore. Recently both children (ages 13 and 16) have decided they do not want to come to their father's home every other weekend as the court papers state. They say they are bored and have no friends. They are so awful to him on the phone (just like the ex). He is so upset about all this. Should he just tell the kids he loves them and when they want to visit to let him know? I can't believe a woman would want to keep the children away from their father and not celebrate that relationship. Why do some ex-wives become so mean and jealous after a divorce when it was they who wanted it to begin with?
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Name: winnmom | Date: Sep 23rd, 2006 12:50 AM
Hi mlevy,
Wow that is a tough situation, and as sad as it is , it seems to be getting more and more common. A member of my family went through this same thing. When she ( his daughter) told him , she did not want to come visit anymore, He told her how much he loved her, told her he would not force her to visit him, and told her how upset he was by this, and how much he was hurt by it, but would respect her feelings.
He did not call over there, but regularly sent thinking of you card and little tokens, about 6 months later she called him feeling horrible. He reassured her he still loved her and was waiting for the day that she would call.
Because of this they now have an amazingly close relationship.
I am not saying this is the right thing to do, I am just sharing something that happened in my family and how it turned out.
Wishing you and your Hubby the best through this situation, please keep us up to date on what is happening. 

Name: debbie | Date: Sep 24th, 2006 11:34 AM
It's because they never really wanted to leave them. It came as a shock to them that the husband decided not to put up with their noncense anymore. Usually it gives that type of woman a feeling of power to belittle their husbands infront of people to say they want a divorce. Make sure the kids know you care about them and love them. Point specific thing out that dad do for them. Soon they will turn around. Kids need their fathers love more than friends, let them realise that by making it a pleasureable family experience when they come to visit. Thats what we did, and now the children live with us, by choice! 

Name: mlevy396 | Date: Sep 24th, 2006 5:23 PM
Thanks to those of you who responded. I have read some other postings and it appears this happens quite often. It is so sad when one parent uses the children to get back at the other parent. My husband is such a good man and does not deserve this treatment from his ex-wife or his children. I understand kids being more involved with school activities and their friends at their ages, but it amazes me they can't put aside their selfish behavior for 4 nights out of a whole month to be with a father who loves and misses them. I can only hope the ex-wife will someday see the harm she is causing her children by disrespecting their father. He was there for her after her 1st marriage (where she had a child), and apparently she only used him to balance her life out before leaving him. He remembers how she treated her first ex and now she is doing it to him. I am trying so hard not to have hate in my heart for this woman, but she is so evil and mean. All we can do right now is tell the children we love them and miss them and pray everything will work out in time. Thank you so much, ladies. 

Name: Lizzi | Date: Sep 24th, 2006 9:13 PM
She is like that because she is no longer in control of him and she doesn't want him to be happy with you so she lashes out. As for the kids who are 13 and 16, it's not necessarily unusual for them to not want to go at this age. They want to be where their friends are. I think your husband should not force them to come at all. They know when they want to and when they don't. I think he should tell them he loves them both and tell them they are welcome anytime. If they choose not to come then so be it. They probably won't be this way forever. It is wrong that his ex says bad things about him in front of the kids but your husband has no control over that. All he can do is show his kids what they mean to him when he has them and eventually they will develope their own personal opinions of him no matter what their mother says. Your husband should let them know the door is open and they are welcome but it will be up to them if and when they want to use it. If they choose not to come around,it's their loss but your husband should still send them cards for their birthdays and christmas and call them once in awhile. They will come around if and when they are ready but don't push them. Let them because they WANT to not because they're MADE to. It'll be much more pleasant that way! 

Name: Francine | Date: Oct 12th, 2006 4:15 PM
We have the same ex!!! Except ours is now using an Order of Protections to get me out of the house during visitation. Control, control, control...it has been 5 years of this escalating bs. The kids now spy, lie, and disrespect us. We are ready to give up on seeing the kids...any advice from someone going thru the same 

Name: tweetybird4 | Date: Oct 17th, 2006 6:02 AM
Even if the children don't want to see their father doesn't mean he still can't be apart of their lives. He can still attend their school functions or activities they have. He can still provide a support system of just being present. If they children don't come up to him before, during or after each function just his presence of being there will leave some kind of impression on them. Perhaps they may not see now but they won't forget it when they get older. Don't give up on them. See them cards or little notes through the mail. Perhaps the mom might destroy them but at least you know you are still trying. Perhaps if you make copies of them before you send them, this way when they do get older and accuse of not caring, you can show them all the copies of cards and notes. I wouldn't force them into anything they don't want to do. However, their mom should be encouraging them to see their father. He is still their father no matter what. She can never stop him from being thier father. Not only that, he does pay child support religiously, so, if he truly didn't care about them, he wouldn't be willing to support them. Perhaps, he can explain this to them. By telling them that at least he's supporting them financially even though they don't want the contact. He trying his best to make sure they have what they need. I wish you well and hopefully things will get better. 

Name: mini mouse | Date: Oct 18th, 2006 12:06 PM
mlevy, I read your dilema and I understand some of what you are going through because of my situation. My daughter 14, did choose to stay with her dad and was being fed anger, bitterness, and unforgiveness as a steady diet. I grieved for months and months over the situation. I continued to send her cards and text messages, some phone calls. During that year she chose to visit here only a total of maybe 8 times. It was so painful. But through the help of counseling and just being faithful to little notes and text messages and not pushing or forcing her to come (a whole lot of love and paitience) she has come to truth on her own about me as her mom and now we are having visits,,,still on her making that decision and she is spending nights with me and my wonderful husband. She is seeing that things were not like she was hearing from others and has been very affectionate and loving towards me. A breath of much needed fresh air. I wish you all the best. mini mouse 

Name: pj754 | Date: Oct 18th, 2006 4:51 PM
To Francine---The ex is using an order of protection to get out of the house while visiting your children? Now that's ridiculous. Ok, then, request through your attorney a different meeting place for you and the children. Request a resturant or a park. Are you not allowed to see the children without her presence? As much as you feel like giving up, they will be hurt if you do. I can see if the 16 year doesn't want to come around anymore, he probably has a life of his own. However, the 13 year still needs to understand that his father is his parent, too. That will never change. Sounds like the ex has done a good job in twisting their minds. Yet, keep in mind, they are old enough to make their own decisions and have decided what they want. It's hard to force them to visit because it may only push them father away from you both. This is a tough call. What ever happened to the theory of you are the parents and they are the children? Children are suppose to respect their parents!!! It just seems like this is becoming more common of the children being able to get what they want. I, too, am struggling with my 13 year old not wanting to live with me and if I did send him to his father, he probably won't ever come for visits. However, my son has other issues that we are trying to work out through counseling but honestly, I doubt it won't do me any good. His father will probably fight for custody again and this time, I will probably let my son go. Only because, he just doesn't function very well in my home. He's always trying to create trouble and tension for everyone. So, I'm stuck with the dilemma of letting him go or look out for the well being of everyone else inside my home? I'm waying more on the well being of everyone else. Oh, my heart will break when the day comes but things were much more quiet and smooth sailing when my son was living with his father over the summer. Everyone was happy, more relaxed and we all had a good time. It's my son, who feels that things around here is just so terrible. He gets alot of this attitude from his father and that I can't change. So, all I can tell you is maybe things would be for the best if you did let the children go. It just sounds like their mother will do nothing but cause problems for you all no matter what. No one could fault you for doing so. Your trying to do what's best for everyone and if the children don't see, then how can you make them. They have to see things on their own. I'm sorry Francine if I couldn't offer you much advice. I have similiar troubles. Hopefully things will work out for you all. Just keep in my try to remain happy with the people you have in your home now. If the children visit with you all, make it enjoyable. Another thing, whatever you do, do allow your aggreviation show through to the ex. She's feeding on it. This is exactly what she wants. She wants all of you to be miserable. As much as it hurts you and your husband, just put on the happy face that you all will be fine no matter how things turn out. If the ex says things to you in a negative manner, just look at her and smile...don't respond. That kind of attitude will get under skin more than anything. Please, keep us posted. 

Name: momto3stepto2 | Date: Oct 21st, 2006 2:35 AM
Because they realize they made a terrible mistake and will never own up to it. They are miserable, and want everyone around them to be miserable also. She is so extremely jealous of you, because you represent what she used to have. She can't control anything he does anymore and it bothers her to no end. No, she shouldn't try to come between the children and their father but she doesn't care. She'll do whatever it takes to cause a wedge between you and your husband. Even if it causes his children to be estranged from their father. It's all selfishness and greed. Just be supportive of your husband during this time. In the end, he'll see that she's a crazy person and you are what he needs. Be kind to his children and they will respect you and love you. It might not be anytime in the near future, but when they get old enough they will see the truth. Good luck and hang in there. 

Name: Screeba | Date: Jun 24th, 2007 5:52 AM
Maybe you can plan to attend events like baseball or hockey games, or a concert when they visit. If the kids are girls them perhaps you can do something with them like taking them shopping or for mani/pedi type thing (I have a stepdaughter since she was 12 and this worked for us - the girl time helped us develop a bond). If you or your husband have friends at work that have kids their age, invite them along as a group outing so they can have someone their own age to relate to. Maybe they will develop friends in your area that will keep them wanting to come over for visits. Even if this does or doesn't work, your husband should still call them, send b-day cards, etc. so that they know that he still cares. I would suggest emailing or text messaging them since "mom" can intercept letters and cards that come through the mail. They will appreciate him for it in the long-run. Most likely their mom is feeding them lies about the dad and painting you as the wicked stepmom. The thing is that if they visit, then they can actually "see" and "feel" that the enivironment is not as bad as mom makes it out to be. And trust me, the ex will never see that she is damaging the kids with this mess. She is only concerned with herself and since she can't get to your husband, she will used the children to do it. I have been there and am still going through it. If you would like to talk more privately about it, you can email me at [email protected] and I can share some other things with you that maybe helpful or at least get you through. Good luck. 

Name: Tammy | Date: Jun 26th, 2007 3:21 AM
I can relate to your situation. I know it is sad that his ex chooses to be the way she is. The especially sad thing is what she is doing to the children. All the two of you can do is try to be there for the children and let them know how Loved they are. Do not discuss there mother in front of them or say anything against her. I know she does it to the both of you - but as you know all it is doing is hurting the kids. If however the kids ask you a question regarding something there mother has told them about either of you and it is untrue - then you need to address this by telling them the truth. I would totally ignore the mother - let her know that she needs to take her own inventory by ignoring her. If she gets a response from either of you or a reaction to her immature behavior then she will continue - so basically don't give her any reaction. I would concentrate on the life the two of you are starting together and work on spending alot of quality time with the kids. Don't however over do it with the children. What I mean is you can't buy Love. Just spending special quality time is important. I think there dad should call and talk to them on a regular basis letting them know that he is there for them and alway will be. With time they will see. I think they see how it is now but are afraid to choose sides because of the way there mother will react. Concentrate on the positives and it will turn around you will see. Good Luck! 

Name: Sweet jen | Date: Jun 26th, 2007 10:50 PM
I never divorced my husband but even though I am with someone else I still want my ex-husband to stay alone i don't want to see him with anyone else why should he make or be happy with anyone that couldn't be me after everything that i gave him and still i am here when he needs me and it's been 10 years and still so i guess we all have our reasons why. 

Name: bluenight | Date: Jul 13th, 2007 4:05 PM

Name: Momtobe | Date: Jul 28th, 2007 9:07 PM
Hi mlevy, I know exactly how you feel. I have been with my husband for over 6 years now and my husband has always been in his kid's lives'. He has and will always do anything for him. With that being said, his ex-girlfriend will talk about me and him any chance she gets to her neighbor, little league parents and even the receptionist at the kids' doctor's office. We actually got custody of the kids because she would try to keep the kids away from my husband. All i can stay is just stick by yor husband and support him anyway you can. As for the kids, i think its good to be honest with the kids but not force anything on them either. Good luck and I wish you and your husband the best 

Name: Nancy | Date: Jul 29th, 2007 7:36 PM

Name: Lory | Date: Jul 30th, 2007 2:54 AM
ummm....perfect example!! 

Name: Annette | Date: Aug 6th, 2007 11:04 PM
my husband and I have been separated for two months, we have three children and recently he took off with the kids with out consent. I need to know if they are safe and well. Any advice I am trying to find my kids any advice. 

Name: Amanda | Date: Aug 10th, 2007 8:07 PM
I know the feeling. My husband's ex also wanted out about 8 years ago. She is remarried but constantly has bad things to say about my husband to his son. She talks about my husband doing drugs, and how he is controlling. She constantly uses tells my stepson why he can't do things with us. I really feel bad for the child. The only difference in our situations is that my stepson (9) wants to be with us all the time. She is abusive, mentally and physically. I am glad he is old enough to know what is true and false now and actually is standing up to her.

You can force the kids to come but we both know that is just creating tension. Be creative and start involving their friends at your house. My stepson goes to school 50 minutes from our house but I invite his friends here and get them from school and return them after the weekend or night. We go do things over there so his friends are involved. It is not all the time but it works. I also have 2 kids from previous marriage and we have one of our own and we stress the importance of family. This is another thing they do not learn in the other household.

Sorry I could go on forever about this crazy woman and wish I too had the answer for a jealous ex-wife who uses and abuses the kids. 

Name: lilmonkey | Date: Aug 13th, 2007 3:44 PM
I'm dealing with a similar situation. She cheated several times and he finally had enough, told her he wanted a divorce, she couldn't get the papers fast enough, she wanted out asap. Now that the smoke has settled (8 mos later), she wants him back, is mad at her boyfriend for helping her cheat on him, at herself for cheating, at her ex for giving up so easily and at me for having what she wants.... (those are her words to my bf) she comes around trying to hug him and asking to come back to him and then goes to her family and tells them that he begged her to come home. It has put a strain on our relationship. I trust him, but I don't trust her, she keeps working all these angles trying to get back into his life. She will say she needs to talk about the kids and then show up and talk about how she wants to come back, etc.... I'm at my wits end. 

Name: kk | Date: Aug 25th, 2007 11:05 AM
my husbands ex-wife is using their daughters to ruin our marriage. 

Name: kk | Date: Aug 25th, 2007 11:20 AM
my husbands ex-wife, use to call our home, 8 or more times aday. She is a bar whore, brings men home from bars in front of daughters. at the time the girls were 12 and 13. she would threaten me, and call me a whore, in front of the girls. my husband would not say anything, because he said he did'nt want to be a bad parent too. now the young women, are 15 and 16 years old. we just lost our baby, I was 9 weaks pregnant. and the 16 year old called laughing. I told them I want nothing to do with them. enough is enough. 

Name: summer_rea | Date: Aug 29th, 2007 3:05 PM
Hi there
I have been with my husband now for two years. He has two children with e-wife. Mind you she was pregant when they separtated. (we met then).She is so hard to deal with, She flonts around and invites him over, to do, the you no what, all the time. I trust him!! She cant get over him. She tells him all the time she wants him to come home. I keep thinking to myself she will be over this soon, but I dont think she ever will!! its been two years. I have a ex to that I have a child with I got over it,,why cant she? She blames me for there divorce since we met when they were still married. HELP ME!! 

Name: New wifey | Date: Sep 1st, 2007 3:16 AM
I am in a similiar situation. My husband and I have been experiencing problems with the exwife for about six years now. The exwife becomes upset and cuts off contact between the children and thier father. This normally occurs at certain milestones in his life such as puchasing a new home or getting maried. My husband has tolerated her disfunctional behavior for years. He realizes now that something has to be done. He has recently filed for scheduled visitation through the courts. She has become a raving lunatic. She hired an attorney and relayed that I was the cause of my husband not seing his children. When my husband and I first started dating the exwife would be very disrespectful when she called the house, cursing, and filed frivalous unsubstaintiated civil and criminal charges against me. Things have calmed down a little but she still acts a fool when she gets a bug up her ass. She has caused so many problems earlier in our realtionship that I was ready to leave.
I encourage all of the new wives to hang in there. Be supportive and motivate your husbands to stand up and fight for the relationship with thier children. This is a battle well worth it. The children deserve to have stability and structure. I pray for the success and happiness in the lives of new wives and thier husbands. 

Name: cece | Date: Oct 2nd, 2007 11:28 PM
I can beleive every bit of what your saying. The ex-wife is driving me up the wall. I am 1 year into my marriage and have been but on nerve pills and am now loosing my hair, because of all the drama. It is a neverending story. They are missing the stability and taking out their anger on the wrong people(the new wife). When they leave they expect the man to not progress and when he does and she doesn't or he moveson first that is when the exwife begans to have issues. Her anger should clearly be directed at herself. 

Name: patty | Date: Oct 5th, 2007 8:32 PM
she is miserable with her life or otherwise she would move on. she is probably more miserable now seeing him happy with someone else. yes, he should tell the kds he loves them and that they are always welcome in his home. eventually they will grow up and no longer be under her thumb print so they will form their own opinion. until that day comes don't take any abuse off of any of them. it is hard on kds that visit because all of their friends are at the other house. 

Name: CS | Date: Oct 8th, 2007 6:27 PM
As quoted from ..................Nancy......."FATHERS LIKE THAT NEED TO UNDERSTAND ONE THING KIDS REACT TO THE WAY THEY WERE RAISED .. IF THESE MEN WERE MEN CARED FOR THIER FAMILIES ... TO START OUT WITH THE KIDS WOULD NOT HATE THEM" OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1....Seriously...........you are the problem............you don't see two sides to anything............it takes two people no matter what.......and the fact that you did it all in caps...........and you work in a hair salon.............seriously............take a look in the mirror.....................there are reasons why people don't work out........everyone has a circumstance........BUT TO WALLOW IN SELF PITY.................AND TEACH YOUR CHILDREN NOT TO GIVE FROM THEIR HEART..........ONLY TAKE WHAT IS THEIRS...........IS THE REASON YOU ARE IN THE MESS TO BEGIN WITH! Get over it go to counseling..........and raise some decent kids!!!!!!!!!! 

Name: peg | Date: Oct 11th, 2007 4:42 AM
hi is any one in the chat room? 

Name: autumn_leaves | Date: Oct 11th, 2007 5:14 AM
I totally get you here. My husband's ex wife is the same way. His are 12 and 9, still young yet, but she really fights everything. I have a 15 year old, so I know when they are older, they are going to want to do things with their friends too. I think this is normal and I think they would resent him for forcing them. However, I would suggest your husband tell them that they can do what they want Fri and Sat, but Sunday afternoon is "my house for football and pizza!" Your husband is going to have to stick up for himself in this manner or it will just get worse, as they will see they can just push him over. Also, you could have them bring their friends to your house, that way ur able to meet some of their social group and stay involved that way too. Don't worry about her, she's miserable and wants u guys to be. Don't buy into that, let her yell and scream, just deal with the kids and ignore her. She won't change. 

Name: Debbie | Date: Dec 3rd, 2007 8:48 PM
Why are you putting the blame on just the husband? It takes to to tango and if he is no longer happy with the wife then why stay and be manipulated by a selfish, vindictive woman.
My husband of 2 years is great and he has 2 girls he pays support to. Maybe the ex wife is jealous they go on cruises and buy new homes. If the ex wife tried harder maybe he would not of left and the first wife would get as much as the 2nd wife. Besides the new wife will always get more and worth more! 

Name: Roller Coaster | Date: Dec 4th, 2007 2:27 AM
I hear you...I am there with you...Kids love there mothers unconditionally and there fathers with conditions especially if that is the way the X loved him. The pain he feels is something he will only get the kids to get when they move out of there controlling mothers home. If they don't want to come have you and your husband take them to lunch or something that isn't going to take them away from there social life. That is very important for them right now. If you want them for the weekend suggest that they bring a friend. It might cost extra to have an extra kid to pay for when doing activities but the kids will remember it as my dad and I always did...and so on...
He has to hold on and stay in there life as much as they will allow it for now. The kids will get it some day and will give you two the "sorry's" that you are seeking. It will happen over time. 

Name: Debbie | Date: Dec 4th, 2007 8:46 PM
Your right she will never change, she is so miserable that nothing will change that, and when the kids see their dad with the new wife then they start to look to that like what is wrong with mama? DH asked me that why she lies to them and hates their dad and she talks about us when the kids are around. What goes around come around to her and when she grows old and the kids won't go over to see her, then she will wonder what she ever did to lose it all. In the mean time we are plannig our great future with vacations and loving times, the girls see that and they are at their best with us. We can't wait for the kids whent hey graduate to really start living financially, till then we will continue to save and we have more together than the financial. 

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