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Name: Debbie | Date: Dec 4th, 2007 8:46 PM
Your right she will never change, she is so miserable that nothing will change that, and when the kids see their dad with the new wife then they start to look to that like what is wrong with mama? DH asked me that why she lies to them and hates their dad and she talks about us when the kids are around. What goes around come around to her and when she grows old and the kids won't go over to see her, then she will wonder what she ever did to lose it all. In the mean time we are plannig our great future with vacations and loving times, the girls see that and they are at their best with us. We can't wait for the kids whent hey graduate to really start living financially, till then we will continue to save and we have more together than the financial. 

Name: Nicolle Gasiorowski | Date: Dec 20th, 2007 5:49 AM
What a sad story. I am on the other side of this coin. My son's father recently married and had a baby with his new wife. We got along fine until she started causing trouble and encouraged him to file for custody (which he lost). Now we can barely be in the same room together and she starts arguments every chance she gets. I wanted Nicholas to have a relationship with his biological father, but having her involved changes things because it puts my 4 year old in the middle of all this unhealthy drama. My new strategy is to only deal with him because the truth is that it really is not her business anyway. As for your situation I would say that your husband should make sure the kids always know that he loves them and will be there for them, but even if this woman was not involved teenagers get to the point where they just want to be home and near their friends. He can always stay in touch through the mail and kids always love getting a card with a few dollars in it. That way they can have some positive contact and eventually they will mature and realize what a great guy their dad really is. 

Name: Debbie | Date: Dec 21st, 2007 3:37 PM
Thats all the ex wives think about is send some money in a n envelope. There is the emotional bonding they need to share with. Maybe if the husband didn't want to fight for custoday he wouldn't. Maybe the new wife sees things diefferently that you do. Is your home clean and non cluttered. There's always a reason why men leave and usually its a pretty good one, even though the ex's are clueless and can't see her problems. All ex's are jealous of the new wives and I am sure you never said anything to provoke that did you? 

Name: Beb66 | Date: Dec 31st, 2007 4:30 AM
Ah, to read all of the above replies and actually believe that I am not alone... I met my husband a few years after his divorce, having not been married previously. He is a wonderful father who loves his children more than life itself and has been a regular presence in their lives, along with providing excellent financial support. We have been together almost 10 years, and I have two awesome stepchildren who I love dearly and who have been nothing but respectful and a joy to have in my life -- how lucky I am.. Things were wonderful (I'd actually say almost a perfect situation) until we had a child. Since the birth of my now 5 year old, life has been a rollercoaster of jealousy, and outright lunacy. I wanted to believe that maybe Mom would be happy that the kids were in a very stable ,loving environment, and surrounded by an extended family of Aunts, Uncles, Grandparents, etc,...even on my side...who love and consider the kids part of the family. However, as time has gone on, and a second marriage has failed on her end, she is even more bitter that we have created a tight loving family unit. The answer is that there is really nothing any of us can do but be an examplary role model of grace under fire. I used to cry...oh did I cry...and felt so powerless over the control exerted and very childish, mean and outright desperate actions that have become predictable and almost funny. We know when she will strike, and actually now place bets about what it will be and when it will happen. In a way, it adds a bit of humor to a sometimes insane situation. In the end, what matters most is that the children are growing into two young adults who any parent could be proud of. While it is very hard to hold the tongue and not tell the children how much Mom had done and said to us, we take the high road and keep them out of the loop. Someday, these young adults will be full fledged adults who will look back and know exactly what was what. I want to believe that we reap what we sow, so if I have done my job as a Stepmom, someday the kids may actually put their arm around me and tell me that they were happy I was in their lives and as I age, they will treat me with the respect and love that I have shown them. It is really not easy, and Step Moms have one of the toughest jobs in the world because we always are sharing our worlds. In the end, give the kids the love and respect they deserve, and I firmly believe that it will not be forgotten. Mom's level of contact in our lives will diminish over time, so hold your head high and know that while you have no control over Mom, you do have control to not let the silly or mean actions come between you and your husband - there is nothing more that Mom would like to do than to come between the two of you. Don't let it happen. 

Name: Debbie | Date: Jan 5th, 2008 4:47 AM
Ever think she feels you are trying to take her place with her children?
Keep in mind these might be your husbands children but you most certainly did not have them and you have no right to be thier mother 

Name: Dbbie | Date: Jan 8th, 2008 9:22 PM
Even though the husbands leave the wife and remarry, their had to be a problem with the marriage. Most 2nd wifes care and love the step kids like their own. Not they want to take away the kids but it happens. Sometimes step mom are better moms to the step kids and then the ex wives turn all nasty and all they want is the money. Some real moms do not deserve to have children and look at the court system how many men are now getting custody and the new wives are backing them up because the men feel they make better moms than the real moms. Jealousy plays a lot of the ex wives and they get vindictive. so deal with it and get on with your life instead of being bitter and vindictive. Its all about the kids.Not the ex wives!! 


Name: The 2nd and better wife | Date: Jan 8th, 2008 9:25 PM
ok Nancy get a grip on your self, grow up and put the past in the past. He thinks your an idiot and better clean your house because the kids complain to me about how nasty it is. I will call Dpt of Human Services on you again and again!! 

Name: me | Date: Feb 1st, 2008 9:13 AM
i feel sorry for you women out there.......
are any of you selling your husbands car by any chance?
let me know
[email protected] 

Name: Em-l-e | Date: Feb 29th, 2008 6:15 PM
Dear mlevy396,
I am so thankful to find other women who are dealing with the ex-wife. I have been married for 9 months and since our marriage we have seen the kids a hand full of times. They live 3 hours away and the driving is to be split in half. She has refused to do her driving and since we moved to answer the call into ministery she has continually bashed us. We moved to a different state but are the same 3hours away in a different direction. We moved from a 3 bedroom home into a one bedroom apartment on the basis that we have the kids so rarely that is seemed silly to pay for extra rooms. There have not been to our home since August of 2007. Before we moved we had them in the house maybe 6 times that year compared to what we were suppose to have which was 12-14 times a year. Now please know this is temporary while we are in Bible School... However, she has attempted to tottally remove my husband from the lives of his children. And has made some major decisions regarding their health and medication and never told him about it. We attempt to still be involved and attend their school activities and watch them play soccer when she puts on a show and invites us to one of the games.
She writes us amd c.c.s her lawyer and makes statements like " I am really worried about you (--------------), I think you may hurt me and my babies. You remind me of Jim Jones or David Koresh.

I think what upsets me most is that she is so mean and cut throat about things and then acts innocent and as if she is endangered by him.
It makes me want to puke the amount of drama she adds to things. We have been making the weekend trips to see the kids due to her refusal to drive, this is extremely pricey for us However, What is worse is we find our time with them is then limited to 5 hours on Saturday and 2 hours on Sunday before we take off. It is not ideal for any of us and is pointless when it comes to helping us create an environment that is fun and safe for all of us. Not to mention it is as if she is looming over us while we are there. "Protecting her babies"

Anyway, Mlevy 396 I understand and relate to the pain that incures when the ex-wife belittles your husband. I too am married to a wonderful man and once school is finished our lives will change and we will have a home again.

Some days I feel more upset about her and her deceitful ways then he does. But it is nice to know we are not alone..

Thanks 

Name: lynn | Date: Mar 6th, 2008 3:00 PM
When I was reading your post I could not believe it I felt like I was writing it. I am going through almost the exact thing except the boys are 11 and 14 and thier dad made a terrible mistake 4 years ago when they were getting divorced (which like you she wanted it) he gave her full custudy legal and physical and she said she would be very fair and but everytime he had a girlfriend she cause havoc for him. She then moved the kids away 30 miles to another town. He gets them everyother weekend but she plans so many activies for them he is on the road all the time then if he does not get them there to one of their scheduled activities she holds him in contempt. It has cause us so much money in the last 2 years. We have been together 2 years we just recently bought a house and are engaged to be married in April. She does exactly what you said she hates me she talkes bad about the Dad saying he don't want them. She has had 2 restraining order on him for no reason. She is bitter, angry, controlling and like you said she is the one who wanted this. I thought as the kids get older it would get better but it hasn't. I now don't know if I want to get married to this man because sometimes I think he lets her control our life every other weekend. I was married for 23 years and have 4 children and my husband cheated on me. I have forgiven him but it was hard but now I feel like I am being cheated on in a different way. I have no answers for you but I just want you to know I am going through the same thing and I just don't know if I should marry this man......The oldest child is starting to want to stay home because to be with his friends and hang out that is understandble but if he don't get the kids she says she will take him back to court for more child support. What does a person do. 

Name: Susan | Date: Mar 6th, 2008 4:23 PM
Lynn - I wish I could say that it will get easier - but it really is very hard. For years, I thought it was me, but I've been married for 7 years and it got steadily worse. Like you, the ex wanted out and asked for the divorce. She has since married again and divorced again and the more stability she sees on our end - the more she lashes out. Like you, I felt very alone and often told my husband that I felt like I was always on the outside looking in. Different from you, I had never been married before, and we have since had 2 children, but if I were honest, I wish I had known then what I know now. Even in the very best of break-ups, it is a very hard situation to become a step Mom and blend families. Somehow, even when the ex wants out (and in my husband's case, physically left my husband 2x before asking for a divorce) she can't handle that he has moved on, has a nice home, happy children, and she can't control every aspect of his life. I would by lying if I said I sometimes wish I didn't enter into this situation -- but I have two wonderful children and the best husband. Think long and hard about this, b/c the pain can only last for a certain amount of time. In my case, I have 3 years to go and then my step children will be going to college. The crazy things that she does to us will soon end. I also suggest that your fiancee can ask for a modification to the divorce order as well. If he wants joint custody, or even full custody, he has every right to go back to the court and ask. My hubands ex was basically trying to extort more money and sent numerous notes and made numerous calls, and when my husband said to her - if you can't afford the kids after you left me, I'll very happily ask for full custody. Amazing how all notes/calls stopped rather quickly. Call her bluff..you'll be surprised how quickly the situation will change. 

Name: og217 | Date: Mar 12th, 2008 8:33 PM
Grass is always greener. I wish my husband's ex-wife would stop sending her kids here and that we'd never see them again. 

Name: tallgirl | Date: Mar 17th, 2008 8:03 PM
The ex-wife for the last 20 years has made sure that the real father was not included in their lives. Husband never knew events that were coming up at school, and when he tried to find out, the ex-wife would call saying that she would take him back to court...blah blah blah and that everything he did would have to go through her first. She left after 8 years of marriage for a man who made LOTS and LOTS of money. Since then, children have grown up, but real father left out of everything. Recently daughters got married 1 year apart. Father could not afford to pay for wedding, but stepfather could, and daughters dance with him and not real dad. His feelings were really hurt, but he put up a brave face. The note cards given at the wedding bringing attention to who was who stated parents of the bride as being ex-wife and stepfather. then little note written by the bride thanking her mom and dad (again ex-wife and stepfather) for love and support. Real dad so sad but again,put on the brave face. how can I handle this situation and not feel angry towards them. They are still his children and he loves them very much 

Name: BP | Date: Mar 20th, 2008 10:30 PM
I understand totally, i am a divorced mom and me and my ex get along great, BECAUSE we both know it is over!! They want you to be miserable just like they are!! My advice is the kids will one day see how "horrible" she and how manipulative she is. Just sit back and watch. Tell your husband you love him and to tell his children the same. Tell him to keep calling them and keep in touch with them. Maybe just pick them up during the week (if she ALLOWS) and just go out to eat. You can communicate so much over dinner vs. a movie or just coming over and them doing their own thing!! They will know in the long run. Tell him not to fight his ex, the more she sees he won't put a fight, maybe she will back off! Good Luck to you, going through the same thing! 

Name: soontobewife | Date: Mar 21st, 2008 10:44 PM
NANCY....

You are exactly what we are talking about.... I hope you find peace.

Ladies always remember that you can be the better person... THERE IS ALWAYS A REASON THEY ARE THE EX 

Name: 2nd wife | Date: Apr 16th, 2008 7:59 PM
I have been married for almost 3 years. We didn't start dating until 2 years after they were separated. His x-wife tried to stop his daughter from being in our wedding. We had an emergency court hearing 1 week before and the judge was furious and told her to get out of his court room. The week we came back from our honeymoon she slapped a restraining order on him and put his daughter on it. We again had an emergency court hearing and with all the evidence (we had a his family over for dinner the night she said he threatened her) that was thrown out. This woman can not be stopped. She does not get punished. Now 3 years later she's still at it. My step daughter's first communion was to be held on our weekend (we also have 40% custody so it's not every other weekend). She wanted to switch. He agreed that he would give up his Saturday night but after the first communion his daughter would come with us. She said no, she was HER daughter and it was HER thing. So now she switched the date of the first communion to her weekend and now this poor little girl will be making her first communion by herself with no one from her class. She's only 8 and already has anxiety because of this woman. He even said to her it would be best if she made it with her class. Do what's right for her. And she said no. She is so jealous and vandictive and does not do what's best for this little girl. Massachusetts laws favor the mother and there isn't anything we can do. This woman needs help and no one sees it but us. It's so sad. We pray that my step daughter will turn out okay with having such a crazy mother. She needs to move on. He's remarried, he left you for a reason - you're a nut. 

Name: A second wife too | Date: Apr 16th, 2008 9:11 PM
AMEN! The more I read, the more I am absolutely convinced that there is an ex-wife "sickness". It doesn't matter who left who or how much time went by --- if the husband moves on, the ex just can't handle it. The ex-wives just want to maintain absolute control at all costs, and it is such a shame, b/c the children are the ones who suffer the most. Been there almost word for word with what you experienced...even with a Confirmation. What I'm learning, is that I have no control over it - I'm just the second wife, and we are in a club all of our own. So, I try just to let her be the nut she is and not think too much about it, b/c the kids will understand what is going on one day - if they don't already. I've tried so hard to understand it -- and there is absolutely nothing that can bring sense to the madness we experience. Just refrain from reacting every time she does something - I believe that the ex-wives get pure enjoyment out of seeing the rise that it brings to the other family. After all, don't you think that they would like nothing more than to break-up another marriage. So much for the adage, if I can't have him/her - no one can. The psychology behind it all is that no matter what went on behind closed doors, if the ex-wife believes that they were totally in the right, they can't imagine that anyone else would find their ex-husband worthy...causes them to really re-evaluate their own actions time and time again, and they can't handle it. Hold your anger - don't react all the time - that is exactly what she wants. When you stop adding to the conflict ,she will die down as she is not getting the daily dose of drama that she needs. Be warned -- it will go on for a long long time - just strap yourself in and hold on for the ride...and smile more -- don't take her too seriously. The children love their Dad no matter what the ex says -- and one day it will come back to bite her in the you know where. 

Name: Lory | Date: Apr 16th, 2008 9:27 PM
To: A second wife 2----Good LORD your reply is the best thing I've heard all week. You've summed it all up in a nutshell. There truly is no rhyme or reason to the x's madness...they just are!! And..what you said about the x having to re-evaluate their actions....I think re-evaluate themselves as mothers & wives.... b/c another woman finds him worthy.... (bam) you hit the nail on the head there!! 

Name: 2nd wife | Date: Apr 17th, 2008 8:25 PM
My husband is going to try one more time to see if his x-wife will let his daughter make her first communion with her class. He is willing to let her take her that day and stay with her after as long as he has 30 minutes for pictures without her lingering around. He also wants the time made up the following weekend. I'm hoping she'll agree but I would not bet on it. If she does agree she'll think she won. But in reality my husband is being the better parent to do the right thing for his daughter. It's all a game to her. Who can she hurt more. What she doesn't realize she's hurting their daughter most of all. It's so selfish. I do hope karma comes around some day and bites her in the you know what. Time will tell. We just need to be strong for his daughter and hope for the best. 

Name: 2nd Wife Too | Date: Apr 18th, 2008 1:38 AM
To 2nd Wife - Your husband is doing the right thing in considering the feelings of his daughter. The children are innocent, and it serves no good purpose, to put his daughter in the middle. He is being the bigger person and has every right ot be there and have 30 minutes to take pictures uninterrupted. - however, don't be surprised if this is turned down. I don't know your personal situation, but I am the 2nd wife who had never been married before, and we do have one child of our own. I have been with my husband 10 years this June (married 7) and have known his children since they were 4 and 5. I can say with certainty that I didn't always agree with how my husband choose to take the high road (he is such a calm and even tempered person who doesn't like the conflict), when his x was doing the most innane and insane of things. However, I can from experience tell you that I have two of the most well adjusted, wonderful step daughers, who have turned out to be great young ladies (15 and 17). We couldn't be more proud. I have learned that taking the high road does pay dividends. You probably want to just scream half the time with the insanity of it all -- trust me, I've been there. In the end, we always kept all of the craziness away from the kids and never spoke of what went on or said a bad word ever about their Mom. Divorce is hard enough on the kids -- they are entitled to live peacefully and love both their Mom and Dad - b/c they will and they do. I again reiterate that what the x is doing will only serve to harm her daugther in the long run - and she is just not smart enough to see past the emotion and selfishness on her part. My husband's x was the one who wanted out. It is mind boggling phenomenon that even 11 years after the divorce, and her wanting out, that she is so jealous of what we have together. It also got much worse after we had our own child - so I do warn you, that if you plan on having children, it will get harder. It has caused a lot of tension in our home -- and I always hoped and prayed that the x would have been happy that her children were growing up in a warm, loving, secure environment. I got married later in life and am a full-time working professional, but she will never understand the sacrifices that I have made as well to offer a loving home to all of our children. I never had the ability to stay home with my child, went right back to work, and have contributed to providing what we have.. All she sees is what we have, and it drives her crazy. She would never be able to step outside of her world to appreciate how good her children have turned out and that I have beena big part in helping them become the great young ladies they are today. It is a such a difficult position - but if you love your husband and your step-daughter, don't react. I've had to swallow my pride and step back - but in the end, my husband and the way he has handled this, I believe has been the primary factor for why the girls are the way they are today. The nonsense is still going on as the groping at what she can control is still there -- but certainly minimized now and definitely right out there for her daughters to see. They know the score. Get better, not bitter...a mantra my husband learned when he first got divorced - he believes it and I know it has worked. Good luck to you - I hope that it does work out. I thank God that I found this site - I've watched it for a while, but it is penalty free place to share with others who experience this and where I can actually feel that I am normal and it isn't me 

Name: 2nd Wife | Date: Apr 18th, 2008 12:54 PM
Thank you for your advise. I was also married late in life and this is my first marriage. I did know she was a Kook before we got married but we actually got along. Then a month before the wedding she just snapped. I really believe she didn't think he would go through with it. That's why we were in court a week before the wedding because she tried to stop my stepdaughter from being in the wedding. As far as him asking her if she'll let her make her communion on the original date, my husband doesn't think she is going to go along with it. He's having second thoughts of even asking since he's sure she'll just say no. And in her eyes it's her "control" I can do what I want I'm her mother. If it wasn't for him you wouldn't have your daughter. She forgets he had something to do with it. It breaks my heart that this little girl will have to make her first communion all by herself. That's what her mother doesn't understand. She's punishing their daughter. We know what she's going to say too. You couldn't make it with your class because you were with your father that weekend. She's done that before when there were birthday parties. We explained to her that if we knew about the birthday parties we would have taken her. It's so sad. I try to step back but it is making me insane watching what her mother is doing to her. She actually sent a message to my husband saying this is your fault because you wouldn't let me have her, thank your mother and father for raising such a selfish person. She doesn't get it. He's trying to do the right thing. Have her be with her friends and both of her families. The best part is she has 2 other children; when my husband was married to her and her older daughter made her first communion, she had her 1st husband over their house for a party which my husband agreed to because it was the best thing for her. When he mentions that she ignores it. See she left the first husband but my husband left her and she can't deal with it. I'm so frustrated. I really wish she could see what she's doing. Thank you for listening. It's hard for people to understand if they have never gone through this. 

Name: Angela | Date: Apr 18th, 2008 4:50 PM
Hi, first of all I want to start off by saying that my husband is a wonderful and devoted father to his children he has 2 children and 2 ex wives..... his son lives with us and his first ex wife is really no problem dealing with although she does make some bad choice when it comes to their son she really just minds her own business and lets my husband be a dad to their son.... however, the second ex wife she is a handful she controls every aspect of their daughter's relationship with my husband..... they had a lengthy custody battle and she would not allow him to see their daughter until it was resolved... Of course tempers escalated and eventually they put a no contact order on each other for harassment reasons she would call his work everyday 25 times she wanted him back but she was not nice to his son from the previous marriage and she caused a lot of problems between my husband and his first wife so that was the end of the rope for Dave (my husband) the custody battle started in 2002 and finally ended in 2006 it was the first time he was able to see his daughter in a few years. It was a gradual process but it happened.. she sleeps over finally and feels like part of the family... My husband and I had a baby a year ago and the bond between Mikayla and our daughter Madison is very strong Mikayla who is now 9 loves her baby sister but she is hesitant about loving her dad and the rest of our combined family..... She doesn't call Dave's dad grandma she calls her by her first name Dave's sisters are also called by first name and not reffered to as an aunt. She calls her step dad Dad and only just started calling Dave dad... Mikayla has since opened up to me and told me a few things that her mom has about her dad and I find them to be so inappropriate a solid case of parental alienations syndrome... For example Her mother told her that the marriage broke up because Dave had 3 girlfriends and he chose them over her and Mikayla.rums/divorced_family/N
ew_wives_dealing_w_the_ex_wife
/
 

Name: Trying2cope | Date: Apr 19th, 2008 2:35 AM
Ladies, I have to join your party. Think our husbands were married to the same woman?! Nancy and Debbie, get a grip. Just because another woman loves and takes care of your child doesn't mean she is trying to replace you. The Ex wives should feel fortunate their kids are in good hands when in the other household. My husband's Looney Tunes X thought I was trying to replace her when we first got married 3 years ago because I had a great bond with his daughter. Seeing the kid was feeling torn between us (at 6 yrs. old she knew her mom hated me), I stepped back a little. Now the X says I never tried to form a relationship with the kids. It's a "lose/lose" situation whenever you deal with crazy people. I appreciate your entries, they make me feel like I am not alone. You're right, there's some sort of X Syndrome that they cannot get over. My husband was divorced way before we met and SHE CHEATED AND DIVORCED HIM! Guess she realizes what a good man she let go. Oh well, I guess I have to thank her for that. 

Name: 2nd Wife Too | Date: Apr 19th, 2008 12:43 PM
Hey, could you just imagine a ladies night out with all of us and a few bottles of wine?? Wow, it would be quite the interesting night? Like I've said, hang in there all of you....the kids grow up in a blink of the eye - do the best you can...To Trying To Cope - You nailed it too- it is a Lose/Lose situation - the parameters constantly get moved to feed the insecure mood of the x. Been there -- lived it --- it is nuts. 

Name: Zanett | Date: Apr 19th, 2008 6:09 PM
Ah the X wives, some of us are not bad at all and move on in life. But, get caught up with your new husbands X. Dont know about most of you remarried ladies, buy less I here from my X the more I like it. On the other hand, dealing with an X wife you can get fed up with. When my present husband and I married the first 2 or 3 years was the worse. She would call our home 10 plus times a day. What you are dealing with are women whom are loosing control. They are use to using their X- husbands to gain for themselves and not for their children. A lot of nice guys are taken advantage of by the X wives. May it be extra money or the support of their Xs, someone to talk to on their problems, borrow money. They know by them being remarried that they are in a loosing situation and are desperate to hand on. In my case, a nice restraining order to keep her from calling (one child by the way 16 years old is all they had) unless it was an emergency. The X wife does NOT need to be calling your home all the time. If you got a good man he is worth stepping up to the plate and backing the X off. My husband thought he owed his X because she was the mother of his child. He not only was paying child support, all medical bills, gave he money right and left on top of it and moral support. Well with another woman in the picture the extra disappear and this is what gets the controlling X worked up. I remember when my X and I were dating. I blew up one day and thought it was over. Just by saying to him She is the mother of your child but, you dont owe her a F---in thing. my temper got the best of me. We were parked in front of his house and I thought thats it lost this guy for ever. He was quite for so long. Then finally said, I want to Thank You for saying that. At this point in time he had been a bachelor for 10 years, we married the next year. This great man and I have been married 13 years. So gals hang in there if he is a good man. Talk with your husbands if they wont support you, time to step back and look at your own life. Life is too short to be unhappy. 

Name: Nabcy | Date: Apr 20th, 2008 10:12 PM
Here's one, My husbanc decidest to take his 22 year old son out for his birthday and includes his x wife!! Yes we took him out too with our good friends, so why is it necessary to take him out again with the EX! And, they have been divorced fot 15 years!! There is more here than it appears!! AM I wrong?? 

Name: 2nd Wife Too | Date: Apr 22nd, 2008 12:08 AM
So, we've established that there is an ex-wife "syndrome". It is not made up in our heads..it exists. My husband has joint custody and sees his children every Monday and Thursday ...for years, it was Monday and Wednesday, and when the ex asked to switch to Mon & Thurs, my husband did it without blinking an eye. His wonderful girls are on the school track team, and due to some away meets, they don't get back to the high school until almost 8 p.m. - the time he would be bringing them home. So, he writes a note last week asking if he could pick the girls up on Tuesday for the 2 nights (yes, that's right) just two nights where the girls won't be home in time...and, of course as you could guess, the ex writes back "No"...and another note with "There will be no schedule changes". She then goes on to say that if my husband dares try to pick up his kids on Tuesday night, the cops will be waiting at the house - such a lame threat b/c it has absolutely no merit. This is a Dad who has been ever present in his kids lives, has never been late in dropping them off or picking them up and has never ever, been late on a child support payment. In the note my husband wrote back, he quoted the divorce order which says that "the husband shall have reasonable, flexible and liberal visitation with his children....she is so stupid that she actually wrote back that she is tiring of his "big" words - she is too dumb to even know that he quotesd the divorce order word for word and she is in direct contempt of the order. as also confirmed by our attorney. So, as we spoke several times today about what to do, it would be easy to keep the war of words going back and forth. But, this is not life or death - there are far worse things that could be going on in our lives and his girls are seeing first hand what their Mom is trying to do. Denying visitation will only serve to hurt the girls in the long run. I sat here for a good part of the day trying to think of the best thing to do to this constant "villain" in our lives - and the reality hit that there is absolutely nothing to do to change this. Let her seeth in her stupidity...silence is sometimes golden. Again, this is a woman who left my husband 2 x -- and for the life of her can't move on. She realizes that her mistake of letting such a good and loving man and father go was my gain - and her ultimate mistake in life. So, I sit her laughing now -- b/c as Trying 2 cope wrote - it is a lose/lose situation. I could write a novel - and perhaps may one day cash in from her craziness -- b/c it truly would make for good reading. There is a gentleman that was recently highlighted on a Primetime Live special, Randy Pausch. Randy is a Carnegie Mellon professor who is dying of pancreatic cancer and is living day to day, moment to moment - enjoying everything that he can. When I start to think that I should be thinking about how to solve this terrible ex situation, I step back and think about this poor man and his family - and I no longer care about what she does. In the end, nothing, and I mean nothing, is as important as the health of those you love who could be here today and gone tomorrow. Ladies, it helps me to focus on what I do have and just leave her in the dust and out of my thoughts. She doesn't deserve to rent any space in my head!!! If anyone wants to provide chapters to the novel I'm going to write..let me know..:) 

Name: 2nd wife | Date: Apr 22nd, 2008 8:03 PM
I would love to add to your novel. From every thing I reading it will most likely be many novels. What the X wives need to understand is they are hurting their children. I love my stepdaughter with all my heart and would never do anything to hurt her. Before we were married I spoke to the x-wife and told her I am not her mother - she has a mother - but I would never hurt her - only make sure she is loved and cared for. Well once she realized that this little girl loved me too - she couldn't take it. In her eyes, I have her man and her daugther. If she would only open her eyes and see that her daughter is healthy and happy when she is with us it would be better off for everyone. Now this little girl has a belly ache or a sore throat - all attention when she's afraid her mother is not going to like something. We just reassure her she's fine and 15 minutes later she is not longer complaining. We have no idea what her mother is telling her - but she's is damaging this little girl. As my husband keeps saying she thinks she's "Mother of the Year" when all she does is hurt her. UGH!!!! Why can't they just grow up and move on. Of course she would say she doesn't have feelings for him, etc. Well then if you didn't you wouldn't do the crazy things you do. And if you didn't you would be able to find a nice guy and hold on to him but you can't because you are still hung up on your X-HUSBAND. It's sick. All I want is for my stepdaughter to have the best life. We tell her she's a lucky little girl - she has 2 homes where she is loved very, very much. To bad her mother couldn't do the same. I hope and pray when she grows up she'll realize the truth about her mother. Right now she's just to little. All we can do is do the right thing.

You are right when it comes to them we are in the lose/lose situation. Hopefully the children will not be. 

Name: Trying2cope | Date: Apr 22nd, 2008 11:05 PM
Thanks, 2nd Wives (One & Too), it's good therapy to know I am not alone in all this mess. I am beginning my mission of "killing her with kindness" as we'll have the kids this Friday which is her night, so she can attend a funeral. Funny how she doesn't want them around me...unless it's convenient for her. As you said 2nd Wife Too, "she doesn't deserve space in my head"! Just sad that there are so many women out there that are so insecure and crazed. If they only knew the happiness they could have if they just stopped living in the past and grow up. 

Name: 2nd Wife Too | Date: Apr 23rd, 2008 12:13 AM
To 2nd Wife & Trying to Cope - wow - I've made cyberspace friends in this crazy situation..:) Maybe this will strengthen all of our marriages, as we will have a place to share our stress instead of taking it out on our husbands and family. Don't know about each of you - but it is hard to always just let it roll off ....we have feelings too! The hardest part for me has always been feeling like I"m on the outside looking in and knowing that I have so little power to change the madness. We, the 2nd wives, just have to take it -- without any ability to give it back. And our poor husbands are like deer in the headlights, not quite sure what to do b/c if they are not hearing us say how unhappy we are about the wackiness, they are dealing with fending off the crazy x. Until the next drama unfolds....I hope you have a good rest of your week. 

Name: Lory | Date: Apr 23rd, 2008 2:43 PM
To all 3 of you ladies----I've been involved in this situation so long...(14yrs)...I've learned to predict what the x will do next....and TRY to stay a step ahead. I guess I've become numb & very bitter over the years. Still....I do not let it affect my family, or how I feel about my step kids. I think I've found some sort of peace with it all these days. I still get frustrated at times...but...life is too short to stay that way.

We're past all the visitation issues...with my oldest sd being 22, my middle being 20 this year ...and, my ss 17. NO...my ss does not call or come to visit....he seems to live happily with his mom & sd in their home....my dh gave up years ago trying to see him. He got tired of trying to fight the "lose/lose" situation. The older kids call when they need something..which is ok...b/c at least we can hear from them without having to beg the x to see or hear from them. IDK how long you all have been in this situation...but...I can tell you as the child/children get older.(grow up)..the madness gets a little less. And..tho the kids have their own lives now (we're very proud of them) My dh says his x thinks shes Mother of the Year too.....but ... we KNOW...it took both homes to raise the kids!! The kids still on holidays/birthdays call & tell their Dad that they love him...the x cannot stop the love/bond between them. After all these years...all I can say is we did the best we could for them...at all times. I wish all of you the best..and pray you find some sort of peace dealing with all of your situations. It does get a lil easier as the kids grow up & are responsible for their own families. Hang in there ladies.....my dh was def worth it! 

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