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Name: mrt0121
[ Original Post ]
Hi everyone...
Please help me to understand and see this situation with some understanding!
My husband and I have been married for 4 years now.
Ups and downs (as usual) as I have two kids from previous and he has three.. Ages 10, 11, 12,13,14...
His ex-wife absolutely hates me (I was not a factor when she divorced him) did not even know him. Anyway, she has acted downright ugly since the day she found out we were dating and has acted so irrationally and hatefully towards him (and myself) many times!! She is not seeing anyone, has to work the 3rd shift, and seems to just be miserable. For the past three summers, she has wanted to take their three kids down to HIS parents home in Mississippi. Last year, his Mom told her that she just did not think it was a good idea. Remember, she divorced him, and has not been at all nice, except when things are going her way. I just found out today that she once again has asked to bring the kids down in July. His Mom said o.k. this time (we just took tke kids to see them two months ago). I feel like this is just an absolute slap in my face! I want them to see their grandkids, but I do not feel it is the ex -wife's place to take them, especially when she has acted so ugly and treated their son the way she has! He did not want this divorce! Am I being unreasonable? Please help me....
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Name: pj754 | Date: Jun 20th, 2006 12:13 PM
No, your are not being unreasonable. She is jealous of you and your husband. Obviously, she has been miserable for a long time and didn't know what she really wanted when she divorced your husband. Now, she is having regret because she never expected your husband to find and meet someone, who makes him happy. Until she learns to get on with living and face facts, she will always be nasty. I am dealing with the same thing out of my ex husband. He makes nasty comments to the children about me but they have learned to ignore it. They realize I am the better person than he is because I don't say things like that (in front of them) He has gone as far as bad mouthing me to my family and friends. Some believe him and some don't. The people that really know me don't have anything to do with his negativity. Although, my family accepts him because I stopped visiting my family. All they did was make rude comments about the new man in my life and they just couldn't be happy for me because I wanted to be happy. So they use my ex to try and get under my skin. While I was going through my divorce and discussed the case with my family, they would turn around and tell my ex everything I said. Plus, they are alcoholics and that kind of environment is something I choose for my children to not be around. I'm sure your husband's mom likes you and sounds like this snot is being pushy with her. The only advice I can tell you is, kill her with kindness. Don't let her see that she gets under your skin. Don't argue with her because you are wasting your breath. She is looking to feed on it. She is trying very hard to make the two of you miserable. Both you and your husband have to work together in not letting her bother you. Let her say the things she wants but don't let her know it affects you emotionally. Believe me, I know exactly what you are going through. Unless it pertains to the well being of all your children, don't speak to her. Never let her have the upper hand even though she may think she does. She is trying very hard to disrupt your happy family. Don't speak of her in your home unless the children bring her up in conversation but always refrain from making rude comments back about her. She is still their mom and it might bother them when they hear things like that. Always, be loving to them and if they want to talk.....listen. Kids have a way of expressing their emotions without us parents realizing it. You have to learn to accept this snot for who she is. Yes, it stinks at times, I know!! As long as you and your hubsand have a communicating relationship, she won't be able to break the bond you have. Think positive, this will pass. Over time, it won't bother you as bad. Hold your head up high because you know in your heart, she is the one with issues, not you!! I hope this helps. If you want to talk somemore, feel free to email [email protected] 

Name: Serina S | Date: Jun 20th, 2006 12:40 PM
Ok so this is what I think ... Tell your husband to talk with his mother and tell how it has hurt you and him .She may not realize what she has done or was tired of being pressured by his ex. To me 2 months since she saw her Grand kids is a long time. His Mom just may want to see them more. Kids grow so fast She may fee what the heck at least I get to see the kids.
Have him ask his Mom if she would change her number or put a block on his exs number so she will not have to talk to her (you should pay for this for her).HJe shjoukld call his ex and tell her the trip ois off that it is not a good time for her to visit( if dates have been set) His ex has not reason or right to call his family anymore, even if he were the one that wanted the divorce. He needs to tell his ex not to call his mother or his family any more, They are divorced and is no longer a part of his family.
His ex will defanetly try and wiggle back in to his Mohter life and say things about you & him that are not knid. Stop this before it happends!!!!
Good luck & Blessings 

Name: Serina S | Date: Jun 20th, 2006 12:57 PM
Gad sorry for the spelling errors .I always do that when I type fast..my dyslexia does not help matters.

How often do you have the kids? Would they be staying overnight or just for a few hours at Grandmas house??? Could you make sure you guys are at his mothers house when she visits?That might really nip this in the bud.

Remember that what every you do be kind as you can to the ex esp. when the kids are in ear shot.This will bug her to death.

Oh just so you know My Mom would love to se her Grand kids everyday. My sis tries to see her 1 time a month ...it never works out that way . :( WE see my Mom every other Month or so with the kids.

Ya know it might just be just about seeing the kids but it will turn out vey badly .You know that you & your husband will be the what they are going to talk about.
Just make sure he talks with his Mom & the ex. 

Name: mrt0121 | Date: Jun 20th, 2006 2:13 PM
oh thanks everyone!! I feel better.. and after good nights sleep, not as anxious. You were right with killing her with kindness (especially when her kids are around) The kids do talk about her when they are here,especially the oldest one.. They adore her (as they should) but is not in a healthy way. Since she is still single, they feel (and she has put this on them) that they have to keep her propped up!!!
As far as visiting my in-laws (whom I adore), they live 5 hours away, so they truely don't get to see their grands very much.. Mom-in-law expressly told me yesterday that she only agreed to it because it would be a chance to see her grandkids, again. Not to see the ex-wife, at all. I am hurt by other reasons (that I won't bore you with) because I am going to have to work through it and let it go. When the kids do talk about their mother, I just listen, NEVER say a word or ask a question, and in fact, just change the subject as quickly as I can. I have learned from my own parentds divorce to never speak unkindly about a child's parent in front of them, as it takes away a part of them, too. Thanks so much for getting back to me with your thoughts! I realize there is nothing I can do to change it. I do believe she is extrememly jealous, and trying to hold on to something she regrets letting go of. Please keep your thoughts coming, as there is really on one else that truly understands where I am coming from!
Thanks again! 

Name: to mrt0121 | Date: Jun 20th, 2006 3:54 PM
That's the spirit. I'm glad to hear you feel better. Keep a positive attitude about yourself. Your are right and the ex is wrong. Keep in mind, the children might want to talk to you about their mother, they might need to vent. Always let them tell you what's on their minds. It helps to establish a good relationship with them. Just remember not to speak negatively about their mom, like you said you don't, but let them speak. They will learn to come to you for the positive advice. They will see for themselves that their mom is always so negative and they will turn away from it. They will confide in you instead of her. It's sad to say but it does happen. As you already know, children look for structure, support and discipline. They thrive on positive things. Also, it sounds like you have a good relationship with the mother-in-law. Seeing her grandkids is more important to her than the ex. I'm sure she will be wise with any conversation she may have with her. You have a good thing going and the ex can't deal with it. My ex uses the children for sympathy. Cries poor me, poor me, your mother ruined me. Which in turns, makes them feel sorry for him. My two youngest see right through him but my oldest feels the need to take care of him and has decided to live with him full time. I'm ok with that because he was purposely trying to disrupt our happy house. He didn't want to follow the rules and the rules at his dad's is pretty much a free for all. It's hard to let him go but if I forced him to stay, things would probably get worse. My oldest, who is 13, has the bright idea that it's ok to push & shove people around, no matter who it is. Unfortunately, this is the best thing for everyone. Yet, his father has put the bug in his ear that he would have a much more funner time at his house. So, I let him go. Hang in there. 

Name: Borox | Date: Jun 28th, 2006 10:12 AM
To see his parents? Put your foot down! That is not her family any more! 


Name: Rebbecca | Date: Jul 7th, 2006 12:43 PM
Patients and understanding is the best policy in this kind of situations. Having three kids from a man one loves is not an easy thing to forget because having children in a married life took away most of mothers time and energy to balance things up, especially in a problem marriages. So I think is best for you to be patient and understanding and try to put away jeoleousy and put yourself in a position of a divorsed woman so that you two ladies can be caring and friendly to each other and at the end everyone will benefit, you and your husband, your kids, their kids and their mother, and your in-laws as well. When this is achieved, the trust that builts up through honesty will bring happiness not only to you and your husband but to your other members of your families as well. If you and your husband are honest to each other than you need not to worry a lot of whats gonna happen. Exercising love and kindness to our neighbours ( the ones we love and also the ones we hate) will show the result of that trust that you have for each other in your marriage life in years to come. Since you and your husband have children from before, the feelings of love for your own children is there, so by practically show your respect, honesty and understanding for each other will broaden your relationship to your neighbours i. e your children and his children and his ex- wife and your ex- husband. This problem is everywhere in the world, so if you and your husband manage to mend the bridge first then other things will fall in each position in its due time.
I was divorced with 4 kids, and my situation is more or less like yours. I manage to overcome it with the help of Gods word (The Bible) and also the experienced I had through the years of my life. I only managed to do that by kneeling down my selfish heart and mirror or relate my attitude and behaviours towards Gods Word. While doing this, although it is not easy but it is a solution to my jeolous heart,I managed to asked forgiveness face to face to my husbands ex - wife even though I know I believed its not all my fault. I admit that by pointing finger to others won't solve any problem. We will find that the problem will keet on coming if we don't practically do what the True God wants in our life, and that is to live our daily lifes with the Fruitage of the spirit and one of it is to Love your Neighbour As yourself.
All the best.
Thanx 

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