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Name: Stepmom
[ Original Post ]
I have two girls (2 and 6)and one stepdaughter (11). My stepdaughter is very nice to the baby, but often mean to the six year old. The six year old looks so forward to seeing her and when she comes, I feel she just eggs the six year old on. My six year old really acts like a big sister to the 2 year old and feels for her and protects her selflessly. My stepdaughter is however competitive with my six year old. I really wish that she had the same selfless feelings towards the six year old that my six year old has towards the little one. She sometimes says inappropriate things to her such as "the baby and I look alike and you look like your mom!"

I have tried talking to her about being a good older sister (heart to heart) and even getting mad at her and nothing has worked. My husbands response is that all sisters argue. I however, feel that she is being a bit vindictive.

I am often left caring for all three and hate the constant nickering and bickering. I try to teach the 6 year old that you can not make someone share with you - they have to want to. I also tell her that you can not make someone be nice to you - but that only goes so far. The stepdauther also brags about things that she gets at her moms house and the fun that she has. I hate the constant battle and need advice.

It has gotten to the point that I resent my stepdaughter and almost wish that she would choose to never come to our home again.

Help Please - I don't want to feel this way towards her, but feel that she is trouble.
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Name: May | Date: May 23rd, 2006 5:12 PM
I kinda know how you feel but in a different way. In my situation,I was babysitting my niece,(my husbands sisters daughter),and she always came into our house everyday with a chip on her shoulder,(she was 10 at the time).Everyday she had an attitude and a chip on her shoulder. And then she began stealing things from my son. I was pissed to say the least and came very,very close to losing it with her and wanted to give her a good ass whipping but I always refused to spank somebody elses kid so at the end of last summer I quit instead. My nerves were shot and I knew if I didn't quit I was at any day going to lose MY temper and possibly hurt her so I did the right thing instead and quit. This little girl ruined the way I used to feel about her and to this day even though it's been several months since I've watched her,I still have resentment toward her and don't want anything to do with her. I don't like feeling this way because she is just a kid but for some reason,I just can't seem to feel any different about her. I will never watch her again and am glad I don't have to see her. I don't like her anymore,she ruined that herself with her chip on her shoulder,attitude,smart mouth and bad behavior.And BELIEVE me when I say those little pre-teens can really dish out the mouth and attitude! I spoke to her mom about it and she straightened up,but it didn't last of course.So I did what I had to do and quit. 

Name: May | Date: May 23rd, 2006 5:28 PM
In your situation,is the 11 yr.olds mother approachable on the subject? If you can talk to her about it maybe she can have a talk with her daughter. Or,maybe you can try keeping the 2 yr.old near you while the 6&11 yr. olds go and play together. Maybe she would treat the 6 yr.old differently without the 2 yr.old around.I know you can't do this permanently but you could just try it and see if there IS any change or if she still treats your daughter badly. If there's no change then I would let your girls play together and make the stepdaughter sit by herself until she can play nicely with your 6 year old. If she gets tired of sitting while the others are having fun,she may have a change of heart and realize she would rather play nicely with BOTH girls than not play at all.And while she is sitting,that should include no phone,no t.v.,no computer,no music,no toys,no nothing but sitting.Good luck with her! 

Name: amazing | Date: Jul 24th, 2006 6:05 AM
Make sure that you pay more attention to your 6 year old when she's around...at some point she'll either get the point or at least, your 6yr old will benefit from having your attention. 

Name: to stepmother | Date: Aug 25th, 2006 6:40 PM
I know it will be hard but have you tried punishing her when she acts rude maybe give her a time out or make her go to her room or maybe even spank her she has to learn she is one of your daughters and all will be treated the same 

Name: pj754 | Date: Aug 27th, 2006 10:24 PM
I would keep a close watch on her while she is around your children. Definately reprimand her when you notice she is being rude to your 6 year old. I would explain that this is your home and everyone gets treated equally. Tell her that her kind of behavior is not acceptable. Sounds like she is able to get away with it at her mom's house so put your foot down and not let her get away with it at yours. She will probably give you dirty looks, say mean things but you are trying to be fair to everyone. I'm sure you would reprimand your daughters if they behaved like she does? When you are reprimanding, tell her that you don't allow it. You don't allow your daughters to misbehave and you don't want her too either. If you have to ground her from tv, computer, going outside to play or something like that, make sure you follow through with your punishments. Yes, it will look you are being the bad guy but you deserve respect from everyone inside your household. Also, you need to get your husband to back you up. Explain to him that you are trying to treat everyone equal and you will not tolerate bad behavior from any of the children. Explain to him that he needs to help reinforce your rules when he gets home from work. You are in charge while he is at work and you need his help in this matter. Explain to you him that you don't want the youngest speaking like their older sister does to other kids. Tell him you are trying to raise proper young ladies and would appreicate if he would help you. Perhaps you have already tried this. I'm sorry if my advice hasn't helped you. I can tell ya, when my children come back from their dad's house, they would try to misbehave with me thinking they would get away with it. I explained to all of them that if they get away with murder at their father's house, they are definately not getting away with it here. After sometime of repetitive punishments and talks, they all get the idea that the minute they walk in the front door, they need to be on their best behavior. Of course, I don't make issues out of everything but in general, I'm still their mom, who is trying my best to raise them to be responsible young adults. I don't know if my advice has helped because we don't have any step-children involved. However, I don't think I would give her any special treatment just because she has a different mom. She needs to understand how to interact properly with people no matter where she is. Anyways, I hope things work out and keep us posted. 

Name: winnipegermom | Date: Sep 11th, 2006 10:26 PM

Our family went through the same problem . The only thing that seemed to help was giving the oldest, in our case as like yours she was not living with us, more attention. She is probably feeling left out. Daddy now has 3 girls instead of 1. In our case we gave her a lot more attention, in a way the others did not notice, gave her extra privalages for being oldest, and now she is a really good role model, very helpful, and a pleasure to be around. We really miss her when she goes home.
Hope this helps 

Name: Sheila | Date: Sep 13th, 2006 3:08 PM
I understand a little how you feel.... I have a 4 year old daughter. My 9 year old neice is in constant battle with her.... She torments her unstoppably. I feel like she is in competition with her and jeolous because my 4 yr old gets alot of attention for being very cute at her age. Me and my sister have tried talking to her and she wont stop!! My daughter looks up to my niece and want's to be just like her. It's starting to bother me because my daughter is starting to mirror her negative behavior a little. And the more you try to step in the more jealous she gets... Any thoughts?? 

Name: Lisaissad | Date: Nov 1st, 2006 6:59 PM
I have this problem as we speak. i have a 14 year old and he has a 14 year old. His is awful, she lies, smokes, cheats, steals and is overall inhumane. i dont like her ways or her as a person. Just recently, we found out how much abuse and torture she has inflicted on my daughter. There has been a rude awakening and i feel guilty that i allowed this rotten human being to hurt my daughter, i didnt know this was going on until my daughter talked to me. i am happy to say, i am LEAVING him and her and moving on. She has done damage that to me is unfixable and i frankly dont want to put the effort into fixing something that is very broken. The irony of this is his daughter isnt only lying to everyone, she is lying to the person who will catch her, that isHERSELF] I love my husband with most of my heart, but i love MY DAUGHTER WITH ALL OF MY HEART and i will not allow thisto continue. these rotten step kids dont change, they just change the game. sad for her, i changed the rules and I WON 

Name: Francine | Date: Nov 2nd, 2006 2:05 AM
Perhaps your husband needs more one on one time with his 11 year old. Obviously, the stepdaughter is jealous of the 6 year old. I would try this and if it doesn't improve, try to limit the time they have together. Make play dates for the 6 year old outside of the house if need be. 

Name: tonia | Date: Apr 4th, 2007 10:11 PM
Stepmom, can you tell me if any of the advice the others have given you has worked? I am in the same position except for the fact the mine are boys and my 11 yr. old stepson actually was hurting my 5 yr. old. A lot of it has stopped since my son can now tell, but he is very rude now and I would like to try some of the advice you might have tried before I hire a 17 yr kid to kick his butt. That is the only way I feel now is the way to teach him to leave his little brother alone. 

Name: pattyl | Date: Apr 5th, 2007 1:21 AM
If the SD is a weekend warrior it usually helps a lot if the BP can spend individual time with her. Sometimes a reward system will work like McDonalds or the park just for the 2 of them. She seems to be very jealous of the 6 year old. It probably makes her angry to know that she can stay there all the time with her dad and she has to share him all the time. 

Name: Sophia | Date: Jul 28th, 2014 3:11 PM
I have an 8 year old daughter who just recently told me she doesn't think of me as a mom She thinks of me as a friend. Her mom bought her and her sister cell phones and to spite me told both the girls to tell me I can't have their number. The younger one who is 6 tools me with innocence in her voice but the older one is obviously very understanding of how her mom hurts people and she knew it would hurt me. . . For an 8 year old. . . She say there Lord me in the eyes and talked to me like a grown woman. It worries me to see a child try and play the role of am adult. I see that in children who don't get disciplined, and who are manipulated and lied to their whole life. They go and become "their own parent" and play the role of am adult. Because someone didn't show them enough love and care and made them do things in their own. I try to understand her and why she's doing and saying things the way she does. She recently started hurting my 2 year old but she loves my infant. I had to argue with her dad and tell him over and over again that she pushed Mour two year old daughter down. A friend of mine witnessed it and told me after my step kids and husband left to the grocery store. So I told him to say something to her and She lied about it. He wants to trust his children so he told me He had to trust what she says. I said CHILDREN LIE HUSBAND! They're going to lie. I lied. You lied... it's going to happen. And he needs to trust that I wouldn't down play such a thing as pushing our two year old down and question me like he did. I told him I'm not a child who dramatizes everything. Ooooh that was irritating but we got paid it. His daughter told me she doesn't want his dad and I to be together. And that she is going to stay at their mom's house and visit on Sundays. I really wish She was my daughter. So she wouldn't grow up the way she has. But it's out of my control what happens to get at her mother's. Their mom is very conniving vindictive and manipulative. And she had the ability of taking my husbands whole world away from him so we're constantly along in egg shells. It sucks. Its a heavy burden to bear. 

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