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I'm hoping someone out there can offer a few words of wisdom to a very depressed mother of four young boys on the edge. I have been in an unhappy marriage for 12 years. My happiness stems from my children whom I adore and are my life (hence there are four despite the illogical idea to bring children into a situation like this.) I consider myself a loving person who has so much love to give - and unfortunately it is to a selfish, egocentric and narcissistic husband who I keep trying to ply with love in an attempt to solicit a little in return. WELL--- It aint happening in this lifetime. I realize now that the future holds little promise for any happiness short of my children and personal accomplishments. I crave a romantic life with mutual affection and attention - which will never happen with this person. Now he is not physically abusive, he loves our children, makes a decent living and is convinced that it is all about how ungrateful I am. There are times when I am convinced he is right. But most of the time, I see how emotionally absent he is from me - how unloving, distant, uninterested and even obnoxious. My thoughts and feelings register less than zero. Perhaps I am just incompatible emotionally with him, but fast forward to my insomnia, fits of crying, feeling alone and lonely most of the time. My kids are starting to realize that mommy is unhappy and I dread the example we are setting for their own future happiness. I dream of leaving him and finding a new life for myself. Is this possible? Is there anyone reading this who can offer any glimpse of hope? Please respond. ↓
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| Name: Serina | Date: Aug 30th, 2006 11:58 AM |
Dear Jasmin
No it is not a good example for you kids. Do you want thme tp eaither exepyt this behavior in a spouse or be like your spouse? I think not . AS you said you lover your kids. So if you feel like you have tried everthing to make it work and it as not. GET OUT For yourself and in turn you kids. There are many forms of abuse. Sounds like a lot of emotional abuse.
You need to think what your life would be like with out himin it on a daily basesis. Granted he will never be fully out of your life since you have kids.
On the other hand maybe you could see a counseler , You could be clinically depressed? Maybe if you went to a counselor they could guide you on what is best for you. Help you with the sleepless nights and crying spell and so forth. I am saying this under the same vein as " make sure you have tried everthing.
You would hate later in life to say what if I did this or that .
I am soory if I am vege but Divorce should not be taken lightly and I wanted to make sure I gave youmore then 1 way to address the issues.
My very best to you!!! ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Aug 30th, 2006 1:58 PM |
| I say if you're that unhappy and you really believe your husband is set in his ways forever,then you need to find a fresh start elsewhere for you and the kids.Why spend your life feeling miserable and watching your kids suffer too when you can change the situation? Financially you can get child support,maybe alimony,and even state aid if you qualify. There are also apartments that rent to you based on your income,contact your local housing authority for details. They may put you on a waiting list but at least it would be a start in the right direction and then that would also give you time to save some money,pack some things,and get used to the idea. It's just a thought. I just want you to know that there are ways out. ↑ |
| Name: pj754 | Date: Sep 1st, 2006 2:21 AM |
| To Jasmin---Your husband is telling you that you are ungrateful? Ungrateful for what? Just because he loves the children and make a decent living doesn't mean you are ungrateful. If he isn't giving you any affection or attention, then there is something wrong. What does he do when you try to get his affection? Is he telling you he's too busy, tired or does he come home late from work? You need to look back on your relationship and try to figure out when was the last time he gave you a little affection in return. However, if he's the type that has never really displayed too much affection from the beginning of the marriage then he sounds a lot like my ex. I, too, was married 12 years to what you have described is my ex. Things only got worse and not better. I was terribly unhappy. However, I went the opposite direction, and purposely pushed him away from any affections with me what so ever. Even when we would go out to dinner, just the two of us, he wouldn't communicate. He would tell me he's people watching. Yeah, looking at young hot bods walking by!!! Listen, you need to evaluate your marriage. I agree with you that the feelings of you being unhappy is not a good environment for your children. Once you have figured out when your relationship started to turn for the worst, then you can see if there is anything you can do to change what went wrong. However, if your husband is still putting the blame all on you, he shouldn't. It takes two for things to go wrong. All the blame usually isn't just one person. Plus, just like Serina suggested, you might want to check with your doctor, perhaps you are suffering from slight depression. Especially, if you have 4 children. You described you have fits of crying and feeling along with insomnia does sound like a diagnosis for depression. Personally, it took me a long time to realized I had been suffering. I was always afraid to seek help and go on any kind of medication because I didn't want to be labeled as a cracker. But, with so many things happening in our lives these days, depression is more common. Perhaps your doctor can prescribe you a low dose to see if that gives you a boost of feeing better about yourself. Plus, try to go outside and hang out in the sun for 20-30mins. Sunshine does wonders for us. Also, try to keep yourself busy with a lot of activities throughout the day. This keeps your minds off of any drepressing feelings or thoughts you may experience. First, I would check with your doctor about the depression because if you do decide to go through with a divorce, you will definately need some help to deal with all the emotions and legal battles you will probably experience. I'm not going to say going through a divorce is an easy task, it very tough on our emotions and the children. Especially, if your husband turns into a complete jerk like my ex did. Of course, my ex has always been a complete jerk, he just grew bigger after the divorce. Ha! Ha! Ha! No, seriously, you will have to battle custody issues and childsupport, etc..... You need to prepare yourself if that's a serious decision you want to follow through with. Like getting some financing in order so that you will have some money to live off of when you are on your own. Perhaps you will have to stash some money away to hire an attorney. Please understand that I'm not saying you will not be able to make a new life for yourself and your children because if you put your mind to it, you can do it. There will be nothing you can't overcome. I will listen and talk with you as much as you want. I'll try to offer any suggestions or some experiences I've dealt with that might help you. Also, I know you said you crave a romantic life. Was your husband romantic in the earlier years of your marriage? If so, when did he stop being so romantic? Sorry, I hope I haven't offended you. I just wanted to give you a few things to think about. Keep me posted. ↑ |
| Name: shiz | Date: Sep 10th, 2006 12:33 PM |
| I'm really sorry you feel this way it is awful i know. If you are as unhappy as you seem to be then the only thing you can do is move on. It's easier said than done i still havn't decided what to do about my situation. However you always see things more clesrly when it's someone else. Don't feel bad for wanting to be loved in return, we all deserve to be loved and happy. Take it from me men like this don't change i know because i'm with one. It doesn't mean that you've failed as a wife it's that as a husband he's failed you emotionaly. This is the worst kind of failure because you start to think that it's your fault. IT'S NOT. If he can not give you the love that you need and deserve (never forget that or doubt it for a second because you do deserve love ) then you would be better off on your own at least then you will have the chance of finding the love you crave. Loving your children is great but it's not enough and no reason to stay in an unhappy marriage. One day your children will be grown up and leave home to start making their own lives and then it will just be you and him. By then you probably won't even like him. The type of abuse you are suffering is the worst kind and make no mistake it is abuse. It's the kind that doesn't leave a mark on the outside it's all inside and no one else can see it. The thing is bruises heal quickly the scars emotional abuse leaves do not they take longer. I know the thought of leaving and being on your own is really frightening but just think how free you will feel with tno one there sucking the life out of you . Men who do this are in fact incredibly weak because they are either to scared to give love in case they get hurt or the only way they can make themselves feel good is to hurt someone else. You owe it to yourself and your children to move on find love and be happy. Good luck whatever you decide i hope that this has in some way helped you. Remember you are not alone. There are a lot of us out there. ↑ |
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