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I have been married to my husband for over 11 years now. We have a beautiful 9 year old daughter. We are a military family stationed overseas. We haven't been overseas for long. I was hesitant to go because I have been considering leaving for quite some time. I decided to go with my husband hoping that something would change. That I would decide to stay. But, I have only found that I am even more miserable than I thought was possible. My husband is wonderful man. A real catch. But the thing is that I have not had a good sexual relationship with him for many many years. Over time, the problem has gotten worse and worse. It has gotten to the point that I tense up and get very angry for him to just simply touch me, kiss me. I have grown cold to his affections. We've been to counseling and nothing has worked. He is determined that somehow things will change. He knows that this part of me is dead. But he is persistant in thinking that somehow, by some miracle that thngs will change for the better. But they only get worse. I have begun to resent him. I want to leave, but I would be taking our child back to the states and leaving him alone in a foreign country for 4 long years. But he deserves to be with someone that wants to be affectionate with him. To share that part of married life with him. And I deserve to be free of the pressure to perform when it is the last thing I want to do. Maybe there is someone out there that I can feel affection for in that way. I desperately need some advice. ↓
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| Name: Raina | Date: Jan 7th, 2006 1:13 AM |
| Hi T&C. This is tough decision you are faced with. One that involves not only the adult feelings you have shared between your husband and yourself, but also those of your child. Your daughter is at a very impressionable age and whether she realizes it or not will be basing her relationship expectations in later life on what she is seeing between your husband and yourself now. If she sees on a daily basis a loving, respecting interaction between the two of you this will become her expection when forming her own partnerships. If she sees a disrespecting, resenting relationship she may learn to have a distorted view of what a healthy adult relationship entails. If you choose to leave you may want to consider talking as frankly as you can to her about the various ways love can evolve, which in some cases, like yours may be, in friendship rather than adult love partnership. On the other hand, you have her relationship with her father to consider. Your feelings aside, if you leave you will be removing your daughter from her father and given the distance, possilby causing irreparable damage. If there's a way you and your husband can come to a reasonable agreement to stick out the next four years as friends - respectful, loving friends, you may save your daughter and husband the heartbreak of losing each other. It's a sacrifice only you can choose to make, but one you may want to seriously ponder for the sake of your daughter. If you were in the same state, province or even country my advice would be to separate, putting full emphasis on keeping the relationship between father and child alive. Unless you have the resources to frequently travel back and forth, separating now may do more damage to her than to either of you. ↑ |
| Name: beachnut | Date: Feb 7th, 2006 7:26 PM |
| I understand this...I have been with the same man, married for nearly 18 yrs. 3 kids. young...5, 2, 12....I want desperately to leave and have told him it's still not working. I am so sad all the time, we have never been a family...no dinners at the same tabble (I actually used to serve him his dinner in bed while he watched tv/read).....I have always been the caretaker of everybody..kids, him, doing everything for everybody except myself. I am not happy. He is not happy although he knew if he cound't get more involved with us I would leave eventually...he thought I was to weak....he has made me feel guilty for everything. I gave him 6 months (even though I told him I already know its over and I will be leaving)......he makes comments regarding the future as though there actually is a future. I just havent found the way to tell my oldest, who it is going to hurt most. I can't keep telling myself I'm going to get over it. I need to leave for my sanity, happiness, etc. I haven't given him "any" for 6 months. It's just not there...I can't stand for him to try and kiss me or to even get close to me while we're in bed.... He used to do things while I was sleeping that were uncalled for......That hurts even more cause he knew of sexual abuse I suffered for many years...and that just makes you feel more abused. Until recently, when he figured out how serious I am, he never participated in any of the kids school things, comes home late from work, goes out with his buddies drinking, etc......after all these years he is now trying to correct what he calls his "stupidness, childish behavior"....I'm just too tired to try with him any longer and I just don't love him....I don't have a cure for your situation but sometimes you feel you just have to take that extra step to make yourself happy, and eventually things wil work out for the better.....kids or no kids.... ↑ |
| Name: N | Date: Feb 9th, 2006 8:43 AM |
Hello. Probably the best thing possible for your daughter would be for youto to reamin officially married, but come to an agreement concerning your impending seperation.
If you get divorced, you won't be his dependent and you'll have to get your own VISA, which might be difficult. Depending on which country you live in, the exchange rate - things could get really tricky.
I'm sorry you have to deal with something like this, when the living situation complicates everything even more. Best of luck. ↑ |
| Name: sad too | Date: Mar 23rd, 2006 5:18 AM |
| I feel for you, I to am a military wife. and I am considering the same. We have been married for 14 years and have 3 children. Everyone thinks my husband is great too, they all love him.. He is 7 years older than me and we got married when I was carring our first child. I was only 20. I had to quit college and with that I lost myself. Everyone said oh, your life is still wonderful, it is just taking a different path. but now, here I am, a stay at home mom with a husband who will not talk to me unless we had sexual relations. He makes me feel so guilty. my husband is now in the NG and has been deployed to kuwait and Iraq and each time he is gone the kids and I are so happy, yes we miss him, but our relationship is so much better when he is away. (why is that?) He just informed me that he may be deployed to affganistan, which I am wishing he would for the seperation time. It is very sad, I'm not sure I love him anymore and I don't know how to tell him.. You will have to let us know what you decide. but I do agree that you should not do anything until at least you get leave back to the states. I wish you the best, you are a stronger woman than me. ↑ |
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