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Name: kdk
[ Original Post ]
My soon to be X and I have agreed to the following schedule. I have the children tue, thurs, fri, sun, he has them mon, wed, sat.

I am not pleased with this schedule as I don't feel its in the best interest of the children. Without a huge custody battle, I agreed for the time being. Currently he works Tue\Thurs\Fri evenings.

Can anyone lend advice on how I could attempt to resolve this schedule.

I have mentioned to him that I don't believe this is in the best interest of the children. I have told him that it will have to change.

With this being the start of our separation, I understand he is clinging to the children. He has stated he doesn't think he can go 2 days without seeing them so this is about him not them. I haven't been able to get through to him without a fight.

He is a good father. I have no intentions of resisting visitation however I am not comfortable with this arrangement.

Advice??
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Name: kdk | Date: Feb 5th, 2007 3:01 PM
I should mention the part I don't like about the schedule is that the children are bouncing back and forth on an almost daily basis between the 2 households.

Last night the little one (2.5 yrs) got up a few times (nightmare, had to pee, etc) He didn't even appear to notice. He never gets up at night with them. It hit me last night that he may not be able to handle them overnight at all and am wondering what makes him think he can. I just don't want the children to suffer while he figures that out. :-( :-(

I am worried he is trying for 50% custody for the wrong reasons. Its such a touchy topic, I don't know how to approach it and tell him its ok to not have 50%. I know, easy for me to say. I am starting to doubt he is capable. He 'looks after them' in the late afternoon early evening, and takes them to events by himself but its more like babysitting than parenting. - sigh 

Name: Lizzi | Date: Feb 5th, 2007 5:00 PM
I agree this isn't the best visitation schedule! There is too much bouncing back and forth.He should get them every other week-end and maybe one evening during the week. Tell him to take you to court if he doesn't like that and then at court I'm sure they would agree that the schedule as it is now isn't very good either and probably give him the normal every other week-end with maybe one evening during the week also! Did he not want the divorce? 

Name: kdk | Date: Feb 6th, 2007 2:47 AM
Lizzi, no he didn't want the divorce. I would also like to see every other weekend and 1 night a week and keep it open for him to have some extra time here and there off the normal schedule if he likes. I think I will see if he will think about that schedule. I hate the idea that I am going to have to go to court about it since its in the best interest of the girls. 

Name: Lizzi | Date: Feb 6th, 2007 1:57 PM
So do you think he is being like this to try and keep YOU as close to him as possible not so much for the kids? Like maybe they are his tool to remain close to you? (Just a thought and wondering.) 

Name: MarilynMonroeLives | Date: Feb 6th, 2007 9:33 PM
I think you should take it to court, and let the judge make that call. I agree the children will be the one to suffer, and be confused. I think they should stay with you during the week, and then him on weekends like any other court order would say.. I would start looking for a great laywer if I was you... Good luck ..... 

Name: kdk | Date: Feb 7th, 2007 2:30 AM
You know, the thought of him trying to stay closer might have something to do with it. I guess that never occurred to me. He does want to try to 'get back together' but I told him I am just not interested. I am exhausted.
I may have to go to court. I think with everything else going on I was hoping to avoid it. We filed for divorce at a 'do it yourself' type place which was great, except for the visitation thing. Everything else was pretty easy to agree on for the most part.
Once I have a moment to breath, I will regroup my thoughts and probably do the court thing if he doesn't snap into whats best for the children. 


Name: HHawkins | Date: Feb 8th, 2007 8:48 PM
Something that you need to consider. It is a lot harder to get visitation changed to a stricter schedule once you agree on it a certain way. Start out small...see if he'd be willing to have the children on Sat's only until they get used to being in 2 different homes. Then as that gets better, move to Sat night-Sun night. One overnight at a time. Then you can add Fri if things are going well. However, if you agree to the above schedule and let it run for months before you decide it's not working, it looks like, to a judge, you're trying to be difficult and keep them away from their father. If he doesn't agree to starting out slow for the sake of the children, then you just might have to go to court. I know from personal experience that what the judge is most likely to do is allow him Fri-Sun nights every other weekend and one day during the week that is his off week. So that's worse case serino, if you don't agree to something else. I agree it's too much bouncing back and forth for the children. Not to mention they are trying to go to school in the middle of all this. The court will look in the best interest of the children, so this schedule would never fly. If you looked up the standard visitation for FL on the internet, then showed it to him and say I want to alter this a little until the children get used to the situation and as they get settled in we can work up to this (the standard order that he'd get in court), he might be more likely to work with you without having to go to court. If he knows he's not going to get anymore than you're already offering then he'll know he'd be wasting time and money. 

Name: stillinshock | Date: Feb 21st, 2007 2:38 AM
Hi there kdk... I haven't been on here in a while but your post title caught my eye and I thought I might toss out my 2cents worth and maybe it might be of help. My husband and I are currently working on a visitation agreement for his first child (a little messy, he was with someone else just before we were married and I found out a while back that she got pregnant and kept the baby so now we are making a family with his first daughter and our daughter, they are just over 2 and 1 and a half). What seems to be working for us and might work for you if you live close enough to eachother is a visit 2 evenings each week (not sleepovers, just for dinner and some quality time) and one day each weekend. It sort of maintains a bedtime and night routine for the most part in one household but still allows for frequent visits. We're hoping to eventually work towards an overnight/every other weekend schedule, but I know it is hard when they're little. I guess since I'm working with the dad and not the mom in my case I wanted to remind everybody that dad's usually (I know not always, though) love and miss their kids as much as moms do. And a lot of kids are bounced around on a daily basis (to daycare/school/daycare/home/activities) and adapt pretty well. I hope you guys can work something out... I know it's hard to create a stable environment for the kids this way, but knowing that both parents love them and want to see them is important, too. Good luck! 

Name: kdk | Date: Feb 22nd, 2007 3:45 PM
Thank you for all the advice. We agreed to a bit better schedule which is just the weekend part, we split, then I get them, we split then he gets them. I still don't like the split part on the weekends but his side is that he just can't go a weekend without seeing them. i love my children and i will miss them terribly as well but this is more about them than me. I also feel its a control factor on his part by forcing us to 'meet' to exchange the children every other day he can keep in my life. Although some small progress its a start. I appreciate all the advice because it helps me think of other ways to solve this with the least amount of chaos for my children. Thanks to all. 

Name: maryjane4175 | Date: Feb 22nd, 2007 5:28 PM
kdk,
I agree that this is hard on the kids bounceing back and forth between the 2 households. I think you should use what ever meens necessary to better the lives of these kids. Try to soften the blow of these kids life being disrupted. If this continues it will make a negitive impact on these kid's lives and posibly affect them as they get older, and kill all of their potential. Don't wait untill it has done the damage, fix it now!!!
If I where you I would tell the x that you can keep them Wed~Thur~Fri~& 1/2 of Sat, and he can keep them the rest of the time, that way you both see kids the same amount of time and the kids are not juming around, and he will have them when he is not working. If he gives you a hard time about it let him know he could ether do it that way or you will be seeking full custody of the kids as bad you would hate to that but it would be the only way.Let your x decides if he wants to see them every other weekend or 3 days a week. 

Name: tb4 | Date: Feb 26th, 2007 2:48 AM
Hi kdk---Yes, I do agree this isn't the best visitation schedule for the children. If your children are little, you need to think of a schedule that will be more workable if they become active in extra-curricular activities. Your children need to a have a structured routine. After reading this, my first thought is that he's trying to pull something sneaky. He claims he can't be without the children because he loves them so much but I think he trying to make things look like he has them 50% of the time so he can get out of paying you ample child support. I realize support may not be an issue for you but it may be one for him. My ex tried pulling the same stunts on me. He claimed he couldn't live without the kids but bottom line....he didn't want to pay any child support because he claimed he had them 50% of the time. Right now, my schedule isn't the greatest either but it's workable. My ex gets the kids Tues & Weds evenings 5-8p.m., two weekends and a half weekend a month which means I only get one full weekend a month. However, at the time, I was waitressing in the evenings, therefore he used that to get the kids as much as he did. Yet, he still tried to get the child support reduced based on my income. As soon as I filed for divorced, I quit waitress because I needed to find full-time work so I could be home with the kids in the evenings. This was more important because I had two older kids in school, who needed me at home and help with their homework. My youngest wasnt' in school yet. Now, 3 years later, all three are in school and my two oldest are active in sports. The schedule we have now is very draining on the children. And, the children have a difficult time getting their homework done during the ex's weeknights because he runs around the countryside visiting people he knows instead of assiting them in the homework. Even though he was ordered by the courts to make sure they are feed and homework is completed during his visitation.....he doesn't listen. If I was you, try not to worry about making him angry. Perhaps you can make an arrangement which is usually the norm.....1 night during the week and every other weekend from Friday 5 - Sunday at 6 p.m. On holidays, you can alternate them. You get Memorial Day weekend, he gets 4th of July, you get Labor Day and he gets Thanksgiving. Then the next year, you alternate. He gets Memorial and so on. You can split Christmas/Winter break. He gets the first week until Christmas Eve 9p.m. and you get the next week until they resume back to school. Then, the next year, you alternate. You get the first week, he gets the next. Spring break you get them for the whole week and the next year, he gets them for the whole week. Summer vacations, you can allow him to have 4 weeks, 2 weeks uninterrupted but make sure you request 3-4 weeks of uninterrupted parenting time. This way, if you would like to take your children on a vacation, you can.....without worrying about the father's visitation. My ex is always trying to change the visitation schedule and I had to put my foot down. Finally, I started making a schedule out on a calendar 6 months in advance and give it to him. Therefore, there is no future arguments because we are following the schedule that is made. There are times, he will call and ask for more time and I usually give in. However, when I request a change or extra time, I let him know at least a week in advance so there is no misunderstanding. I also have to put it in writing just so he can't claim I didn't say anything. My ex is very sneaky and has tried to pull any kind of stunt possible. The trouble with this is it does affect the kids. The always look at the calendar schedule I have made out to be able to make plans with their friends and it really ticks them off when their father tries to change things at the last minute. You have to plan wisely. There are times I feel like drawing things in CRAYON just so my ex can actually understand it. No, seriously, you need to think of a schedule that is going to be feasable for everyone. I also get the feeling your ex could be doing this to stay close to you like you have thought. You know, my ex has and still does. My ex will go to the kids sports events which is great, I feel he should be involved but when the event is over at 8pm, the children are suppose to come home with me. Yet, my ex threw a big stink in front of the school body because he wanted to drive the kids home back to my house. Then when I make arrangements for my children to get rides from my friend after their events, my ex gets ticked and forces the issue that he should be the one bringing them home back to my house. No, it doesn't work like this. He is not allowed to choregraph my life, my arrangements. This is harassement. I divorced him to get away from him which doesn't mean I have to tolerate him at my home like he thinks he needs to be. None of his stunts he pulls has nothing to do with the kids like he claims. It has everything to do with him trying to interfer with my life. I may sound selfish in my thinking but I feel I should be allowed to move on with my life without his presence in it all the time. I know I will have to put up with him throughout the childrens lives but when do you draw the line? I certainly hope things go well for you and your ex isn't doing these things for the wrong reason but you have to be cautious. Make sure you have everything put down in writing legally. You have to protect yourself and do what's best for your children. It doesn't mean you are trying to take them away from their father because it's obvious your not. I just don't to see you step on in the process. Also, keep a journal of any contact you have with him. Write down everything in this journal....the times he picks the kids up, drops them off, what happens to the kids while they are at his home, does he feed them, what does he feed them.....everything you can. You may have to reference it when you are in the courtroom. I've had to do this and it was very useful to me because journals help to recall things your memory can't. For example, my ex has a problem with returning the kids home on time from his visitation. After this issue was brought up in court, the judge reprimanded him but this issue needs to be addressed again when I go back to court which will be happening very soon. Since he was reprimanded once, the second occurrence might not be so pleasant. I don't know if my advice has helped you but I do wish the best for you and your children. 

Name: kdk | Date: Feb 26th, 2007 2:49 PM
Yes, that was helpful. Thank you. As for the child support, due to our current situation, I have supported the family for the entire length of our marriage. I make 4x what he does so chances are I will be paying him child support even if he has them 50% or 30%. It doesn't look like I will have a way out of paying him child support until he completes school and starts working fulltime which is another 18 months. I am already paying his apartment as a form of alimony. :-( :-( More to your thoughts, I think part of him wants the girls 50% so that he can get more $$ out of me. He has mentioned a couple times that since he is going to have them so much I should be paying more child support. I kindly reminded him that the alimony I am paying for his apartment rental is not required as he is capable of working and going to school at the same time.
I am carefully documenting everything I am purchasing for 'his place' like beds for the girls etc.
Once he does actually start working, there is no way we can split a 50-50 anyway. We live in a large city and while right now we are close in distance, that will not always be the case and it won't even be feasible to get them to school if we live an hour apart on a weekday. I am sure things will get worse before they get better. 

Name: tb4 | Date: Feb 27th, 2007 2:35 AM
Hi kdk---I don't understand why you have to pay him child support? May I ask which one of you is the primary custodial parent? Do the children live in your home? I guess I just thought the non-custodial parent would have to be the one to pay child support. Even if he is going to school is he they one who gets visitation with the children? Therefore, since you are providing most of the financial support, why would you have to pay him any child support at all? I understand you would have to pay him alimony but it should be his responsibility to get a job to help support the children while they are in his presence. I'm sorry and please forgive me, my brain isn't working right these days. You mentioned that this is the start of your separation, therefore, a judge hasn't said, who the children's primary residence is, right? For example, my children live with me, I'm the primary custodal parent, therefore, their father gets visitation with the children, who is required to pay me child support. However, if I do go back to work, my child support would be reduced based upon my income because I'm able to financially help to support the children. So, if your providing a roof over their heads, food in their stomach and clothes on their backs, then your ex should be helping to contribute to those needs. You sound like a very careing and generous person, who is trying to make this transition easy for everyone but it sounds like your ex is trying to deal his way out of providing. I'm sure you've already consulted an attorney and I hoping they are helping you to give you good sound advice. I'm sorry your going through all of this. Yes, you are correct...things will get worse before they get better. I do wish you well and hope things will get better for you all in the long run. 

Name: billy22 | Date: Feb 28th, 2007 4:37 PM
My advice to you is to do what's in the best interest of the children and quite feeling sorry for your ex. I did the same thing and all it did was cause us both grief as well as the kids. I went to the court house, got a copy of the state visitation guidelines and went from there. It took a little arguing and I did have to hire an attorney, but now there is a visitation plan in place and things are better, not perfect, but better. Divorce is never an easy thing and the repercussions of it can be painful, usually this is when children are involved. trust me! i have, and still am, going through all of the struggles of a divorce and it's been over 5 years! I am remarried and so is he and yet all the divorce still haunts us. hang in there. It will get better but you have to struggle first.:) 

Name: kdk | Date: Mar 6th, 2007 2:47 PM
tb4,
The child support on top of the alimony due to the huge difference in our incomes alone. This is also due in part to him being in school and not really working :-( As for primary household, its shared custody, they are with me just a little over half the time so I assume it will be my household. Court date mid-April.

billy22,
I think you are correct. Due to finances alone, I have not gotten a lawyer. However, with this being a legal separation so that he can reamain on my benefits until he is finished school, come time for the actual final divorce, I will have a lawyer and have everything taken care of (I hope :-))
I tell ya, sure is a lot easier to say I do than to say I don't come divorce time. They should really tell you that when you get married :-S 

Name: girli_bird | Date: Jun 27th, 2007 2:11 PM
I would suggest staying away from court mandated custody arrangement if at all possible. Although your schedule is not perfect it is some sort of set schedule. There are ups and downs to every type of schedule. I really believe that kids are less affected by the schedule and more by how the schedule is making their parents act. They can pick up on the animosity of the parent that gets them less and the power struggle of the parent that gets them more. No I’m not saying that you have a power trip but I have seen it happen so many times. The more the courts get involved the less you have to say about it. I understand that with his current situation that he most likely wouldn’t get primary care giver, but you are not guaranteed that he won’t. I also wanted to tell about an article that I read. It said that young girls that have a strong close relationship with their fathers have sex later in life, are more outspoken, have less incidences of teen pregnancy, and participate less in other risky behavior such as drugs and drinking. 

Name: girli_bird | Date: Jun 27th, 2007 2:14 PM
I wanted to add good luck in whatever yu deside to do, i know its hard and only you can make the right choice. 

Name: KT | Date: Jul 16th, 2007 3:00 AM
Hmm.. a father that wants to be with his children... and you're complaining? 

Name: patty | Date: Jul 16th, 2007 12:54 PM
I would not be paying CS. If the custody and visitation is almost 50/50 why not each person support the child while they are with that parent. Once a person starts paying the other party expects it, which can cause trouble. I would not be paying Alimony either unless it was court ordered and I had the other parties SS so that I could turn it in on taxes. In this schedule the kds a are going back and forth to much and it wont' be good for them. They need a block of time with each parent. 

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