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Name: Serina S
[ Original Post ]
nicole jones Title:
What do you're step-kids call you, or their other step-parent? mine calls me Mommy and his real mother Mama (his choices), he calls his step-father by first name (the step-father's request) and my hubby Daddy ?

Your Reply

Name: p.c. • Date: 06/10/2006 23:05:20

My stepchildren are older, so I am called by my first name.

I think it's neat that his mother is o.k. with him calling you Mommy. I would not be that secure, I would probably have had a fit if my daughter did that with her stepmother. But then again, her dad and her stepmother hadn't respected our marriage vows when they first got together, so if she used that term, it would have been salt on my wounds for sure, lol. =
Name: nicole • Date: 06/10/2006 23:26:04

i'm not sure if his bio mother is even aware of what he calls me (she's never mentioned it). and my step-son is only 5, so i've been around pretty much his whole life (my husband divorced his mother when he was 6mo. - and i didnt come along until a year later) =
Name: Laura • Date: 06/11/2006 12:16:43

With absolutely all due respect Nicole,

I would be very cautious about having your stepchild call you mom, mommy, or momma, or anything like that unless his mother knows and approves. That's treading on sacred ground.

I know I would very much resent that if my children's father allowed that. I would be down right pissed off.

It is in the child's best interest that you have a working partnership with his mother, even if she is a horrible mother, it's still in the childs best interest. It is highly probable that when she finds out that he calls you a maternal name like that is going to bid her against you and cause problems for your stepson, and discord in your blended family. I cannot think of any mother who would like that done without her permission.

For your stepson's sake, I would check with her about this. Even if she is an absolutely horrible person. It's in his best interest. For she is his mother and is naturally more important to him. Such a dispute (which will probably arise if you don't have her permission) will only hurt him, no matter how unreasonable it may seem to an adult sensibility.

It sounds like you may think this may be the case. I suspect that is why you posted this topic. You may want to consider having him call you a different tender name. Maybe Nanna or NiNi or something.

Mother, momma, mom, mommy is too sacred.
When he is older, like a teen, and can take this issue on with his mother himself, he can choose to call you one of those if he desires. But at this age, you're really stepping on some very important toes.

And may I say, shame on your husband! This here is my 2 cents on the matter, and it will sound very judgemental, but it is the truth. He should know better. The best gift a father can give his children is to show their mother respect, even if it is undeserved. His children's emotional well being depends on it. Having another woman, no matter how close, call his children mother unless their mother is dead or completely out of their lives, is not showing their mother respect. Because he shows a lack of judgement in this area, have your eyes open to other similar areas where he may be naive or just stupid, lol. Just a warning from a voice of experience. Us wives need to be our husband's common sense sometimes.

On another note, how wonderful that you have such a loving relationship with your stepson. I think that is a blessing for both of you, and he is a very lucky little boy to have so much love. =
Name: Lizzi • Date: 06/11/2006 17:55:30

If I had them I would insist they call me by my first name as they would truly only have 1 mother. =
Name: nicole jones • Date: 06/11/2006 19:15:03

Thanks for your reply. I dont take offense at all, I wanted other peoples oppinions. I don't know if i'm going to ask Jack to stop calling my mommy, but if I do I think that NiNi will probably be my suggestion to him. He has called me that before. I think calling me mom is comfortable for him because when we're in a store he gets to actually say "hey ,mom and dad" instead of having to use my first name (which he's never been able to do, because they got divorced when he was only a couple months old). I see your point though. thanks for the input. =
Name: Layne • Date: 06/12/2006 10:25:06

It doesn't matter if he calls you mom or mommy. They know who the real mom is. I would let the child decide. my son calls my husband dad. He has been a step parent for 15 years starting at age 9. his father doesnt make issue of it and neither would i. i would be greatful he had a step parent he felt a bond with enouph to call mom or dad. It could go the other direction the child could be in a horrible situation where the step parent doesnt treat the kid good at all. Kids dont decide to be in two families we put them there. grow up. =
Name: chelsie • Date: 06/27/2006 12:28:05

i recently got married and my husband has a 3 year old and when i first met my husband i taught his son to call me chelsie cause even after we got married i didnt want him to call me mom or mommy cause im not his mother and i will never take the place of his mother and i dont ever want him to feel uncomfortable around me. =
Name: nicole jones • Date: 06/27/2006 16:20:18

what if he feels MORE comfortable seeing Daddy kiss Mommy than Daddy kiss Chalise? i would just think about letting him decide. kids want normal. and even if it's just a title - it makes an unnatural situation seem a little more normal. =
Name: nicole jones • Date: 06/27/2006 21:10:43

typo on your name there... sorry about that. =
Name: Pedra • Date: 06/28/2006 16:23:42

hello =
Name: Sunny • Date: 06/29/2006 18:51:44

My stepkids mom forbid me from requiring the kids to call me Momma or some alternative when I first married into the family and let them move into my home. I could never get
"Sunnymom" to work and felt it important not to be called by my first name, I thought I should get a little more respect than that. Well I don't. Now 5 years later their mom stops by and uses "Dad" to my face in refering to her husband's schedule. I was confused and asked her to clarify and she repeated it, and then says well, "our dad", I don;t know what you guys schedule is.
I talked to the youngest, and he says he occasionally calls him "dad".
I am so heated, they don't even give me the respect of our adult neighbors, or their teachers. And I feel their mom undermined my authority and sabatogued my efforts to draw my own boundaries. They are the only children that call me by my first name, shouldn't they have more respect for me than my nieces, nephews and neighbor children? =
Name: nicole jones • Date: 06/29/2006 19:10:05

Sunny - I would just remind the children that it's okay for them to call you mom,Tell the kids "i know your mother may not approve, but when you're with me at my house then things are different..." but only at your house. I'm a big believer in "your house, your rules" and she doesn't have any power past your front door. Dont force the kids - no harm in letting them know that you'd prefer it, but it's their decision. =
Name: sunny • Date: 06/29/2006 19:48:53

What about respect? should I give them the choice to call me anything they want? I feel I should at least be Mrs. Name_withheld. We have joint custody and have them about 40% of the time. Nobody in my very large family has had step-kids, so I have no experience with that. They taught my daughter to call me Sunny, even though I asked to not be called Sunny in front of the baby! I feel like Rodney Dangerfield: "I don't get no respect" I've also been excluded form most of their educational process, even when offering to pay to get them out of our horrible public school system (worse than most in the country). I'm alone with them most the day, but feel like I'm walking on eggshells when I correct them. One will tell their mom I said she was a pathetic parent or some other lie if one gets mad for being corrected. Just to get back at me, they have various ways of putting me in their place. They even told me "We do enough chores at home, we just want to relax when we get here." Not only is this not "home" but they expect it to be some sort of resort. There I've vented. =
Name: nicole jones • Date: 06/29/2006 20:04:54

lol... have you read all my other posts on the "divorced family" forum? i've gotten completely heated about the same stuff. If you really want them to call you mom (most people suggest not making them) but you can always just make them. It may not be exactly kosher, but you are the adult and they are the kids. It is your house and your rules. if my son didn't want to call me "mommy" then i probably wouldn't make him, but that is always an option. i'll copy/paste my "rules for stepmoms" in a second, you might appreciate them. =
Name: nicole jones • Date: 06/29/2006 20:12:51

To Bio Mom:

1. My house is my house. period. None of your business what goes on here or what my rules are.
2. Every other weeked I decided what time the children in my house go to bed, what time they eat, what they are allowed to watch, and whatever else I want.. whether i gave birth to them or not!
3. My husband is MY husband... if i hear you bossing him around you better believe i'll be on that phone in a heartbeat to tell you where you can stick it. Only I nag my husband. period.
4. For almost my sons entire life (and i WILL call him my son) i've given him 1/2 the baths, 1/2 the bedtime stories, 1/2 the dinners, 1/2 the play time... I pay for his insurance, I pay for his preschool, I pay YOU $$$$ every month, I buy him clothes, toys, etc.... i've done 50% of the work and if he want's to call me Mommy also then i deserve it as much as you do. no matter how much you dont want to admit it. I'm just as much a mother as you are.
5. if you dont like any of this.. tell it to the judge. NO you cannot "cancle our visitation" for ANY reason without a court order and i will bring the sherriff and a copy of the parenting plan with me next time and pick him up myself or watch you go to jail for contempt. simple as that. it's the law. threatening us with that is completly childish and ignorant, and makes you look like you obviously have an over-inflated ego to think you hold that much control over the lives of other adults.
6. Your power (on any level) stops at my front door. You have absolutly no more control over me or my husband than we have over you. You have aboslutly no control over your kids when they are here either. That's the whole point of divorce. During our time we're the parents, not you guys. You get your time uniterrupted by us, so back off. =
Name: jegnor • Date: 07/09/2006 12:09:17

My children are 12,9,7 and they do not have a new step mom but they do have a step father. My children know there father and love there father just as they love there step father ( my husband) I could not imagine them call my husband dad out of simple respect that i could not imagine them calling any one else mom. They have one dad and one mom and that is the way i see it. They call my husband there step dad matt to othere people and to him they call him there "buddy". Every one has there own oponions about that subject. =
Name: Serina • Date: 07/09/2006 13:03:56

I think the kids (if they are old enoguht) should decide what to call the step parent.The kids Sometimes call me Mom Serina what ever they are most comfortable with. My Step daugther is now 12 now wants to call me Mom. She says it just does not feel right to call me by my first name. I like it when they call me Mom .

We have joint custody I do a lot of Mommy work for the kids and think calling me Mom is fine with me. They know that I am the step mom & they know who the bio mom is so what is the big deal if it make the kids happy.I am not taking away anthing from the bio mother.I am not just their friend or boss so calling me by my first name is not what I like but it is all about the kids.
It will be easier in the furture if they call the step - Mom or Dan EASIER FOR THE KIDS. Isn't that what is most important?? I think it is!
Esp if you have a blened family . I would not want a sepration of kids calling me My first name & Mom. I have no kids that are bio. but if I did I would want them all to call me Mom if they were old enoght to decide if not Mom it would be.
Good Luck Nichole =
Name: nicole jones • Date: 07/09/2006 19:43:06

Yup. I feel the same was Serina. I'm pregnant with my first bio child, and I love the fact that his brother/sister and him will be calling me the same thing. Anything else would feel strange. =
Name: nicole jones • Date: 07/09/2006 19:43:48

oops, submitted to early - I meant to say - anything else would feel strange because i will love them and take care of them the same. =
Name: bladerunnerx16 • Date: 07/11/2006 15:09:58

Let the kids decide. Tell them that it dosent matter what their real parents think, they can call you what they want. Some kids get very angry when a step parent asks them to call him/she Mom or Dad, so it si best to let them decide =
Name: Karen • Date: 07/19/2006 14:45:30

I have a three and half year old step daughter who has been in my life since she was 2 months old. My husband and her mom were never married and barely dated. They were young and got caught up. Anyway, she's a treasure. I'm actually expecting a son in November and she is thrilled to have a brother on the way. She doesn't call me mom. She calls me Kar-Kar and sometimes just stepmommy. She calls her mom's fiance Jay-Jay, not dad. I do think that one day though when she gets older when the other kids are around she will probably just call her stepparents mom & dad in the home since the other kids will be. But I would strongly suggest to leave that decision to the child and also make sure their biological parents are aware out of respect. =
Name: stacie • Date: 07/19/2006 15:19:27

Not many people take the necessary steps to help solve the issues you are currently experiencing. I applaud your outreach to this forum.

I'm actually working with a psychiatrist right now. His name is Dr. Keith Ablow, and based on his experience and likeablity my cpompany has given him a new daytime television show debuting in September. Dr. Ablow is a renowned psychiatrist who's goal is to advise, educate and inform, not to judge or sensationalize. The opposite of Dr.Phil's approach in every way. He's younger, approachable and genuinely interested in helping people strategize and take away tools for a healthier life. You may have seen Dr. Ablow on TV, he's a frequent guest on Oprah, Good Morning America, CNN, etc. as an expert. He was also a practicing psychiatrist in Boston. To find out more about Dr. Keith please visit www.keithablow.com

I'd love to hear more about your story and you're under no obligation to appear. You can reach me toll free at 1-888-372-2569 ext 4347 =
Name: Ali L • Date: 07/24/2006 21:22:35

With all of the back-and-forth about what is/is not appropriate, I didn't see any good suggestions of an alternative name for kids to call a step-mom that isn't Mother, Mom, Mommy, etc. My step-9 year old tried calling me Mommy but it was too confusing. He is looking for something to call me that demonstrates a familial connection but isn't a derivative of "Mother." I know some step-dads that have used Pops, but I can't think of any maternal names. Ideas would be welcome! =
Name: There were suggestions • Date: 07/25/2006 15:47:37

Someone made a suggestion of nana or nanna or something like that =
Name: nicole jones • Date: 07/25/2006 21:35:25

Nana sound too much like a grandmother to me. But that's just my oppinion. I don't really have any suggestions - but I'd be interested to hear some also. =
Name: newStepdad • Date: 07/31/2006 20:08:23

I am about to move in with my girlfriend who has a 15 month old baby. I have two kids of my own (10, 17) who have main residence with there mother, but I see them frequently. We plan to have another child.

I have read this thread with interest, but my situation is different with my girlfriend’s child not being old enough to decide for himself what to call me. I would appreciate some suggestions in how to approach this. My girlfriend would like to refer to me as Dad to her son and I would be comfortable with that especially as we plan to have another child together. The bio father does not have an amicable relationship with my girlfriend and I know he will be very upset if we decide on Dad rather than an alternative. =
Name: momof3 • Date: 07/31/2006 23:30:47

I came into my step-sons life when he was 10 months old. I was always addressed by my name to him. When he started talking he started calling me mom. We tried to get him to stop, because we new that it would upset his mother. After awhile my husband said forget it, he wants to call you mom, let him. His mother was upset but my husband told her that he knows who is real mom is and who his stepmom is and that we tried. She has tried to teach him my name, (we know she is doing it because everyone calls me by my nickname and she uses my real name) He know is 6 still calls me mom, and he knows it upsets his mom, so to her he calls me by my name and if both her and I are around he just doesn't really address me by any name. But, I would like to point out that his mom picked him up here one day and he turned to me and started to say "mom i " and he stopped and looked over his shoulder to see if his mother could hear him and he whispered to me "mom i love you" and it about broke my heart that he feels that way. She has badmouthed me from the get go, and he feels torn. He loves me but is scared to make his mom made. I think that it is sad that she has made her feelings about me so clear to a little boy who is 6. I think everyone is these situations need to watch what they say in front of kids. Life is hard enough as a kid they need to feel like they can love who they want without feeling bad about it. =
Name: newStepdad • Date: 08/01/2006 08:10:24

Thanks momof3, I think the bio dad in my situation will react in the same way and I want to avoid my stepson feeling emotionally torn because of a name. I think I would be happy to be called by my first name if it wasn’t for the fact that we plan on having another child. This would mean my children call me dad, the new child would and this would leave my step son as the odd one out. =
Name: LACIE • Date: 08/01/2006 09:31:13

Name: sabrina • Date: 08/01/2006 13:17:00

my step kid calls me sabrina =
Name: momof3 • Date: 08/01/2006 14:04:24

new step-dad, That was a concern of mine as well, my husband and I went on to have 2 more children. We explain to my step-son that he is a very lucky little boy having 2 mommies that love him very much. As I said before, the children should come first and what ever they are comfortable with, that is what they should call you. And if any adults have a problem with that, they need to take a look at what is important. The kids!! =
Name: javaj9 • Date: 08/01/2006 15:40:54

I have been in my step-sons life since he was 1 1/2. He is now a little over 3. My husband has his son about 75% of the time, and we both work from home. We have always referred to me by my first name. About 8 months ago, when we pick him up from his moms he would start saying 'you're my babysitter' we explained no, i am you're stepmommy. every week, he would get in the car and repeat the same montra, 'you're not my stepmommy you're my babysitter'. We would just keep telling him no, i'm your stepmother. About 3 months ago, completely on his own and out of the blue, he started calling me mommy. We still refer to me by my first name, and have explained who mommy is and i'm stepmommy. But he still calls me mommy. This has infuriated his mother. She spends every weekend pounding into him that i'm not his mother, i'm just J**** or the babysitter, but it's not working. She now is telling me 'I need to work on him harder on not calling me mommy'. As a human being I understand she struggles with this, but as his stepmother I want him to have the freedom to express his feelings and not have to 'worry' what to say or not say in our house. Every bit of research we've done, every counsler we've talked to, says the same thing, Let the child choose. It's a very difficult situation to say the least.... =
Name: newStepDad • Date: 08/02/2006 20:09:39

I hear you, very difficult situation indeed! I have asked friends and family for advice on this one and the consensus is to go by the name of “DAD”. This will without doubt drive the bio dad crazy, but it’s what fits well for my step son. It doesn’t help that I have the same first name as the father so he can’t say “Daddy mike” for example. So I think I will start by going by Dad and if at any time my step son wants to change the name he can within reason o course ;-) Play it by ear, as we say over the pond from you lovely Americans :-) =
Name: momof3 • Date: 08/02/2006 21:29:47

Good for you. Do what feels right. Good Luck! =
Name: Eric • Date: 08/08/2006 12:54:51

My step daughter calls me Mr. Eric =
Name: jaque • Date: 08/26/2006 17:05:59

what should my stepson call me besides mom =
Name: tony • Date: 09/10/2006 21:54:35

babe =
Name: Cayce • Date: 09/12/2006 17:25:40

I am a stepmom of a 3.5 yr old darling boy with red hair and freckles (my red-headed step child!). His dad and I got married before he was 2 and we began dating well before his first birthday. His mom is a junkie loser that never sees the light of day, much less her child, but HER mom (the maternal Grandmother... evil, controlling...) exercises custody rights (we had this written into our custody agreement because it was the only way we could get the mother to grant us full custody without a lengthy battle). She went as far as taking us to court because my step-son was calling me CayceMommy! It is illegal in our state to *encourage* a child to call their step-parent Mom or dad or any derivitave of mom or dad. Our attorney told us to have him stop calling me CayceMommy immediately, or the maternal gramdmother (I will refer to her as MG) would have a decent shot at taking custody from us! He reccommended we PUNISH him if he continued to use the name!

I was aghast!

Not only did I do everything that a mother would do for thois boy for several years, but I quit my job and began working out of my home to stay with him on Tuesdays and Thursdays so he could get into a prestigious Pre-School. I spend more time with him than anyone, as my husband works both a 40-hr week and plays in a band on the weekend nights. MG doesn't offer us any support financially... but she sure takes the kid any time she can by exercising the mother's time sharing rights and sends him back in stained ugly clothes all hopped up on donuts and chocolate milk...

I digress...

So at least your step kids have the "legal" choice to call you whatever they would like to. They aren't bound by the law, so I would let them have their own choice. I would also reccommend to any step parent that you DEMAND respect from your step kids. Get your partner on board for some royal punishment if the kids want to be ninnies. I was evil to my stepmom when I was in highschool, and we have become the best of friends because she drew a line in the sand and treated me as her friend. It took us 12 years, but I cherish our relationship now! =
Name: joe • Date: 09/26/2006 18:17:53

Which state has these laws and where can I get more info? =
Name: winnmom • Date: 09/26/2006 22:17:41

My step children call me by my first name, and my daughter calls my hubby-her step dad, by his name =
Name: connie • Date: 09/28/2006 00:23:12

our situation is a little diffrent, my partner and i each came into our relationship with two children and we have since adopted a baby together. our older two boys age 9 and 5 are hers biologicly and call her mom or mommy 100% of the time, my biological daughter is 7 and calls me mommy 100% of the time, the rest of it is all dependent on whos around, and what the situation is. when we are at home and its just the family we are both pretty much called mom all the time by all the kids... the 5 year old sometimes calls me nene, from Connie. the only time im ever called by my first name is when our 9 year old introduces me to someone, or is pointing me out to someone its always "this is my stepmom, connie" and then will call me connie in front of that person for a while, but then agian he is also the only one old enough to begian to undersand the implications of introducing his mom, and his other mom to his pals from soccer... =
Name: zoeee • Date: 10/03/2006 07:24:45

My boyfriend has a 14 month daughter and I have been around since the early days of her life. I often get referred to as her mother but as she is learning to speak I make sure I correct her and she knows I am Zoe and not mum. I have actually been critisised for this but as far as I see it her Mum is somebody she cannot replace and I don't want to disrespect her mother in any way. Haha might be a different story if she was one of those rude exes with your partners child but my boyfriends daughter's mother is fantastic- has even been offering me advice during my pregnancy and making sure I'm doing fine =
Name: marija • Date: 10/08/2006 02:09:44

hi i have 2 stepkids both call me by my first name and when there in a fun mood its step-mummy they are now 24 and 21 i have raised them as a mother since they were 13 and 10 old enough to know i wasnt their real mother and young enough to learn respect for my authority. i too brought 2 kids to our relationship they were 4 and 3 they have no contact with their real father so they have called their step-father, Dad almost all their life. They do know that he is not their biological dad and call their real father Bio-Man. to me a mum and dad are the ones who raise you no matter if you are biologically attached or not. =
Name: jxn480 • Date: 12/02/2006 23:31:53

first, how old are they? and second if they are old enough to understand the differance between their real mom and you "the step parent" i think its ok, but if you are training the kid to call you mom, when the mom wishes you not to. i think a good hinny whooping is in order for you. i'm a mom to a two year old and my ex is training my kid to call his new girlfriend mommy. i hate it. but in the end think of this KARMA KARMA KARMA =
Name: sezzybaby • Date: 12/13/2006 21:29:06

i have two stepsons that stay with us 40percent of the time and we have just welcome our own daughter into the world, my stepkids call me sarah and i would be devestated if my daughter grew up to learn to call me sarah instead of mum =
Name: BioDavid • Date: 12/14/2006 03:23:55

My 3yr old son has lived with his mother and stepfather since birth. She and her husband have been married for 14 years and have three boys 12-11-9. I know its weird but it gets worse. When mom was pregnant and began showing she moved half way across the country to save her husband embarrassment. Three months later he followed and the following month the baby was born. Since the birth, I have made the 1500 mile trip fifty times. Each time I would stay for 4-5 days and always have been the primary caregiver whenever present. He has flown home with me for 4 weeks, 3 months, 7 weeks, 2 weeks, and 6 months. The mother has promoted her husband as his father, only recognizing him as a step when forced to. I recently discovered his name is listed as the father on everything except the birth certificate. I was never comfortable with us both being called "Daddy" . Recently my son has told me I'm not the real dad. I might be a little more understanding if I had dropped the ball somewhere along the past 4 years, but I have done everything I could to be a father to my son. I would suggest to everyone, attempt to find a mutual understanding and make sure the child knows who his daddy is. =
Name: girli_bird • Date: 01/16/2007 00:32:28

i have 3 step children and one of my own. His call me by my name and mine calls him by his name. His youngest was pretty young when we got together so he doesn't remember when his parents were together, so we had to teach him not to call me by mom and to call me by my name. I thinkit is realy playing with matches when you have them call you mom. It is hard enough for a women to reilize that another women is going to be a big part of her childs life. If you respect the bio mom it will be much easier to get respect from her. And after all it is just a name, you are still their family even if they don't call you mom. Also you don't want to get to the point that you are so stern about what is going to happen at your house that it is more about being right or respected by the bio parent then it is ondoing whats best for the child.I realy understand that it can be hard in dealing with the bio mom, beleive me, but i think you just have to pick your battles carefully. =
Name: tanya1982 • Date: 01/31/2007 07:22:40

well my step daughter is 17 so she calls me by my name and her mom mom my kids call my husband daddy or pop and they call their real dad Jason(they havent seen him in a year and dont want to see him) =
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