Last night I tried to get my husband to explane something to his daughter about her being unfair to people and there things, I didn't want him to punish her just talk to her. When I asked him to talk to her she starts crying and her dad starts to feel bad for her and then she lies to him and causes him to get mad at me and he starts to yell at me and threaten me. She went to her bedroom and writes on her mirror, "I love my dady, and mom." I was okay untill I seen that. I feel like I am acting like a child but I can't help feeling that she did not put my name on the mirror to hurt my feelings. I take care of her more that her mother and father put together. So why does she hate me and why can't her and I get along? I will never trust anything she says again. ↓
|Name: DMS | Date: Mar 10th, 2007 2:26 AM
I am a step mother of two a boy 17 and a girl 20 and it has been a trip I would not take again. I married my husband when they were 3 and 5. I have to say that I beleive it is so hard for women to get along. I too have that pull on my husband with this girl. He cannot see what she does in the light I can. At this point in time I do not talk to her or interact with her because there is such strain on my relationship with my husband over it. She turns everything around to meet her needs. She is away at college now and we still have fights over her. I know my husband says to me that she won't come home to visit soon because she won't want to becasue of me. Well you know what that is ok with me if I have peace in my home. I hope you will get more advice that will help you, but I wanted you to know you are not alone. Just so you know I didn't go into this relationship wanting this out come it's been years in the making and you feel like a horrible person. I don't believe that I am in other areas in my life. I would help anyone but not her. Thanks for your letter to see there are other people out there in similar situations. Good luck to you! ↑
|Name: Lory | Date: Mar 11th, 2007 5:16 PM
|Hi mj4175! |
Being a parent is hard...but, being a step-parent to me is harder a times. I felt my step-kids could not stand me most of the time. Although I did my best to be a decent parent to them. And, at the same time...I could not discipline (sp) them the same as our child either. I tried to let my hubby do a majority of the discipline. Honestly she probably did that on purpose to hurt your feelings. But, I'm sure she is feeling hurt at the same time. Blended families take so much more work to me. Everyone invoved get's put in the middle, torn, feelings hurt, & feels left out at times. I would suggest to just keep doing the best you feel you can...letting her know she is loved. And...I know from experience do not make your hubby feel like he is being put in the middle. The outcome may not be a pleasant one. I understand how frustrating it can be, you are not alone on this. Good Luck! ↑
|Name: Lory | Date: Mar 11th, 2007 9:34 PM
|I want to add...I don't think she hates you so to speak. She hates the situation. And...she will try to put one parent against the other. Kids do that when they are not in blended families. Again I wish you luck! ↑|
|Name: Angie | Date: Jun 22nd, 2007 9:49 PM
|I feel for you. My situation with my step daughter is about the same if not worse. I am starting to hate her because she is about to cause us a divorce due to her lies and stealing my things. I need help too. I don't even want to go home because she is there. I know she is purposely desroying my things for me to get mad and it starts a fight between me and my husband. He takes her side. She is 14 and she is very sexually active and I think she is also taking drugs. I know she drinks. But he won't listen to anybody. She has even had an abortion. She is totally evil. I am a christian and have 4 other children that have rules to go by but not this one and I don't know what to do anymore. I need help. ↑|
|Name: MMM | Date: Oct 9th, 2007 5:03 AM
I'm a Christian mom of three of my own but step mom to a 12 year old daughter and a 10 year old son. I first came into their life when they were 4 & 2. I agree with you ALL, this is not an easy situation and all any of us want is to do the right thing. I think first off we all need to remember that this is the concequence of divorce and why it shouldn't happen. Yes there are the few acceptions but come on even before we say I do we do have a pretty good idea what we're about to jump into. Anyways my point here is the kids are the innocent ones and while they may act out vindictivly (sp) they have a valid reason why and it's our job as the parent to be mature and nuture and help them figure it out. Sure it's easier when they're not there because then the conflict is WAY less, out of sight out of mind right? The first place to start is with ALL parents involved NEED to find COMMON ground. Even if there's things you don't agree on agree to disagree. With me and my husbands ex wife we have TOTALLY different oppinions on a lot of things but we agree on the basics and for the rest we just agree to disagree and we've been very open about it. When the child see's that all the parents are on the same side it's a lot harder for them to play one parent against the other. As for your husbands, try not to put down his child. If someone where putting your child down and accusing them of awful things you too would become defensive no matter how obvious the situation may be. So approach him with a loving and calm approach and don't come right out and say YOUR daughter is stealing from me but maybe mention casually you have some stuff missing and you don't know where it's gone to. Give him a chance to respond because chances are he's already thinking the same thing you are. My other bit of advise is to start building a relationship with your step child. Start with small things, going for ice cream, a walk, a movie and try and spend more time with them and really try hard to get to know them. Share things about yourself that they may not know to open the door for them to share things about themselves. Even if they don't open up to you let them know your ALWAYS there for them no matter what. Except them for who they are and don't knock them or their parents you'll just cause them to put up another wall making it that much harder to break into. Always put yourself in their shoes before you act or speak and ask yourself how that would feel for you! For all you Christian parents my #1 bit of advise is your need to put GOD & prayer first in your life, your husband second, your children third & your spiritual growth fourth. I PROMISE you will be blessed if you do this. PRAY PRAY PRAY, the power of prayer works wonders. So Angie, while you may think that your step daugher is evil I would highly suggest as Christian to Christian you search a little deeper into why this young girl is so sexually active and felt the need to have an abortion etc. There's always a deeper issue and she's clearly acting out of anger and hurt. Being a step parent is a difficult task no matter what anyone say's but God will not give us anything we can't handle and remember that he put you into these young peoples lives for a reason, so try and be the light in their young lives not a thorn in their sides. I hope this helps! God Bless you all! ↑
|Name: autumn_leaves | Date: Oct 11th, 2007 5:39 AM
|FIrst thing, you and your husband have to stand as a united front before his daughter. If she thinks she can play one off the other, she will. When you want a subject brought up, ALL of u sit down and discuss it. You have to pick your battles, was this discussion you purported your husband to do really a big deal? All kids are unfair, their kids. She wrote that on the mirror because she wants her parents, she wants to feel safe, and her parents are her saftey. If your trying to hard to be "mom" she may resent u for pushing too hard. If she has two loving, involved parents, then your roll is to be supportive. She isnt' writing your name not to hurt your feelings! She writing her mom and dad cause she feels you are attacking her, like, Mommy, daddy, help me! I do think your acting very childish and need to take a new perspective. You will never be her mother, you have to keep in your place, or someday when she is older, she'll put u in it. ↑|
|Name: Bini | Date: Nov 18th, 2007 5:26 PM
|Hi, I'm a Christian Mom. I have 2 step children and 1 son who are living at home. My husband I married 2 1/2 years ago. My stepdaughter and I didn't hit off at all. When my husband and I decided to support each other 100% it changed all of us for the better. The one problem I thought I would never have to face is the one now... I'm so depressed and I know through prayer and faith it will all turn out but what do I do in the mean time? My stepdaughter who is 15 is pregnant by my son who is 15 next month. How am I supposed to handle this? Is there anybody facing the same problem? ↑|
|Name: mamady | Date: Nov 18th, 2007 5:38 PM
|my name mamady i neded a help to get some imput because my wife she is good parent but i'm being scare because we have a child and she drink and smoke drug in front of kid hoo is 5 year old so i'm conffuse 4 that not to effect the kid life but my wife don't think it will effect kidlive so pls i need peoples point of view thanks. ↑|
|Wow, my step-daughter did something similiar to me this summer. I sat her down and spoke to her that she hurt my feelings and that it was not ok. I let her know it was ok to be angry that her mom and dad got a divorce, but not to be mean to the ones who love you and want to be there for you. Since then we have a moment now and again, but we are closer than ever. I take care of my step-daughter more than her parents also. It is very hard for a girl to love her step-mother as much as her real mom and when she starts to feel that way it's very confusing and they may lash out. Be there for her and support her and let her know no matter what you love her. She is just confused. You are probably one of the best things that happened to her. Belive in yourself I am sure your doing a great job! ↑|
|Name: SN | Date: Nov 26th, 2007 10:50 AM
|Wow, this has all been so helpful learning from everyone's experience. My 14 year old stepdaughter came to live with us a year ago after her stepfather molested her. She was already dealing with adoption and divorce (when she was 5). Her twin moved in last month and I am totally stressed out. They are both very emotional girls who were raised without much structure, and my husband has a laid back attitude. She takes it very personally if I try to set limits myself, saying she can't do anything right. We've had a good relationship in the past, but lately she has cut herself off from me and is very secretive. She goes from being sweet to very hateful, even admitting she is trying to break me and her father up. Just yesterday she lied and went out with a 21 year old after claiming he was 16. I'm afraid for her but I guess all she hears is my frustration. I'm also afraid all the stress is going break up me and her father. We're going for couples' counseling and about to start family therapy, plus she has her own therapist, so I hope something will start to click soon. It does help to read that others feel as helpless and frustrated as I do. I guess I will just keep trying to show her I love her and care about her, and try to understand what she is feeling. Personally I have found that meditation helps when I have the presence of mind to do it. I love the Buddhist author Pema Chodron, especially her books Start Where You Are and Don't Bite the Hook. I am trying to be accepting of my feelings and not react so quickly or emotionally , and give myself space to understand what I am feeling. ↑|
|Name: Mike | Date: Apr 11th, 2008 11:45 PM
|I am a step father for a 19 year old girl. I have bee her step dad since she has been 16. Her real dad has never been a dad to her. He always put her down and kicked her when she was down. I really feel for her and want to be the loving, caring dad she deserves to have. I don't know how to break down the walls. Please help ↑|
|Name: Mike | Date: Apr 12th, 2008 12:08 AM
|I have to say that the situation is totally opposite for me. I am a stepfather of a 19 year old girl and for four years now I have been trying to build a realtionship with her and it seems impossible. I know that she has a hard time trusting another father in her life after the way her birth father treated her, but I want to prove to her that I want to be the father she has always dreamed of. Do you have any suggestions? ↑|
|Name: Tracey276 | Date: Apr 13th, 2008 12:03 AM
|Oh, boy do I know this story well. Here's the saddest part. That is the beginning, middle and end of the story. I mena this is how it seems it will always go. WE (stepmom) sacrifice so much of our lives for our husbands kids because we love them and we will ALWAYS be the bad guys! I don't have any solutions. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone. Seems to me the fathers need to grow a pair and wake up. Sorry, I guess I am bitter ↑|
|Name: tla | Date: May 24th, 2008 3:20 AM
I am going through the same things. I have been having my two step children since they are 4 and 2. It has been a constant battle with the discipling. Since then we have had a child of our own and I believe strongly in discipline and it seems like our little girl is the only one who must follow the rules in the house. Every time his kids are over they pretty much do as they please. He allows them to stay up passed their bedtimes and it drives me insane. I feel like he does it to show me they dont' have to follow rules over here. It makes me hate him. He is always doing things against me instead of standing by my side. They are now 12 and 10 and he insist that the 12 year old girl is so innocent and does nothing on purpose. When our daughter was born she took a razor and cut up a bath toy that was in the bath tub that belonged to my daughter. She also broke a picture frame in her room and threw the broken piece behind her stuffed animals so i couldn't find it. I never told him about that but he new about the bath toy and the first thing was she didn't do it on purpose. Of course her mother had to put her two cents in and say she didn't mean anything by it. Well one cut is one thing but about 10-15 slashes in the toy is another. She would take my stuff and say she didn't have it. So my stuff would disappear all the time. My husband who do nothing of course because she is so innocent. She comes over and walks around my house with her attitude. She acts like she is his wife or girlfriend the way she questions him and tells him what to do or answers him and tells him what she is going to do. When is the ever going to stop?? I am sick of it. We agree on rules and then he underminds me and lets them do what he wants. His son gets in trouble at school and nothing is ever done about it. The mother doesn't think whipping or punishing is the right thing to do. Everyone seems to want to blame it on the divorce. They have been divorced since they were 4 and 2. They were barely even old enough to know what was going on. You can't blame it on divorce for the rest of their lives. Kids grow up everyday with parents that are divorced so what makes these kids so different. You can't excuse everything just because they are living with divorced parents. I am so sick and tired of arguing over this. My 4 year old is going to think it is normal to break the rules. When we bought this house the rules were no eating or drinking in their rooms. Well when they ask he lets them. We agreed to buy them a four wheeler but they must wear a helmet at all times. Well what do you know he didn't stick to his word for that either. It is a never ending battle. His word means nothing and I am so sick and tired of it. How can I raise my child like this? He will constantly go against me instead of standing by my side and saying no the rules are the rules. How am I suppose to live the rest of my life with him making me out to be the bad guy. It is not fair. Knowing what I know now I should have been more careful who I chose to have a child with because that is a major problem. My parents never underminded each other like he does to me. My dad would have never done to my mom what he does to me this is crazy!! Does anyone have any advice for me because I am pretty much at the end of my rope I cannot live like this much longer. ↑
|Name: Laure | Date: Jun 7th, 2008 4:53 AM
I also have a very similar situation. My stepdaughter is 13 now and we have had her solely for 6 years. In the beginning, things were great but her mother became jealous and told her that she did not have to respect me becasue I am not her parent.
Now she destroys my belongings, talks back, calls me a b*****, tells me that she wants me to leave, etc. But when her dad is around, she says that she loves me and that she does not want me to leave her dad.
He is so blind to it all, he does not believe that she is doing all this negative stuff. I did leave him for 2 months, and he swore that she really missed me, as well as he missed me. But I think she missed having someone to blame her problems on.
I have told him that I am not staying,and that I plan tomove into my own apartment, but he really does nto seem to care,because he still does not address these issues with her.
I am really frustrated and fed up- Her mom is still not in the picture, only enough to keep "feces" stirred up....Thanks to her mom, I am not permitted to discipline her, or to parent her- all this by court order. Yea- the child can live in my home, but I cannot have authority!
Any advice? Because my bags are packed again, and at the door. ↑
|Name: alldone | Date: Jun 29th, 2008 10:16 PM
|my step daughter has got her wish and split up me and my missus. here it is. my ex tells me how happy her daughter is. probably because i am gone. my ex banged on about how we should do things together as a family and when we did her daughter would constantly focus on her mum during these trips and indeed at home. mum this mum that. and when she did bother to acknowledge that i was even in the room it would be "does anybody know this" deliberately not askin me directly. my missus said just treat her like your own, itll make me happy. so i did but found out that if i told her off that was a no go area and the missus would side with her. she never takes the blame for anything. it wasnt me it was him syndrome. my exs answer to every problem with her daughter? shes only a child!!!!!!! 14yrs old and still acts like an 8yr old. crys throws wobblies and my god she once told me when we were having a conversation that she thought her mum was stupid. in the end i could not hold my tongue anymore and told my ex that i did not care for her daughter at all. i had just had enough. i just figured that i did not bring her into the world so what the hell why should i worry about her. she made it obvious over the years that she did not care about me other than to look at me as her mums boyfriend. the funny thing is the crafty child was very happy to treat me with respect when i brought her things. and that was not how i was gonna live my life by sucking up to a vindictive step daughter that would love me when i bought her things and then blank me for a week or two after that. tough luck for her. cause i would have been a great dad to her just like i am to my 2yr old. and before we get all the soft liberals banging on about its not the childs fault well yes it was. i tried she didnt even bother. you know what its her loss. now i am jaded by this young lady. because, as bad as it may sound, she was aware of everything she said about me and managed to convince her mum that i was the bad one. no more stepkids for me. dont bother with em. blood is thicker than water and in the end the step parent is the one that gets left in the cold. i lost someone that i loved to bits and would have done anything for my ex. shes left with a manipulative kid who demands things her mum cant produce and also who thinks her mum is 'stupid'. ↑|
|Name: Marcia | Date: Jul 1st, 2008 4:37 PM
|It's very hard being a step parent. If I had know how much misery my stepdaughter would cause me and my kids, I probably wouldn't have married my husband (even though we have a beautiful 2 1/2 yr old daughter together). He's a widow and brought 4 kids into the marriage. I brought 2 kids from my first marriage. 3 of his kids are defiant, lazy and disrespectful. My husband is very passive and it's like pulling teeth to get him on the same page as me. I've been very patient and we will probably start family therapy again. I love his kids and know that it's not all their fault. They lost their mom at a young age after all and I came into the marriage trying to instill structure and rules after they had a "free for all" for several years. Sometimes I get depressed but talking to my friends helps. I try to accentuate the positve and pray a lot for patience, strength and compassion. Best of luck to everyone. ↑|
|Name: artman | Date: Jul 30th, 2008 1:12 AM
|Everything Alldone says is the same as my experience. You get asked to treat them as your own and yet when its time to use a bit of discipline you become the evil bully. My stepdaughter hates me and for no reason at all. She has tried to wreck my clothes by spraying them in the wardrobe with something thats impossible to remove. She told her younger sister (who does like me) that she had run my toothbrush round the toilet, and she keeps telling her mum that she is leaving soon because she hates life. Her mum has become convinced that it must be my fault because her darling daughter is only a child (shes 12 and very manipulative). The girl keeps her mother on edge all the time, making her think she's going to do something stupid, but somehow it always ends up my fault. I love my partner, but I can't bear this anymore and have to get out. ↑|
|Name: maggie | Date: Aug 23rd, 2008 8:11 PM
|I too find my self in a situation where I really cant stand some of my step kids.... My husbands eldest thinks she is married to him and gets ticked when she doesnt get her way (shes 26) it makes me sick to see her around him, she has two sons of her own but neither of the fathers are around. I think she wants her dad to be the ""man" in her life. but my real problem is with his 14 yr son. I have been his step mom since he was 8 when his mom took off with her internet man whom she had an affair with. His kids love her man (that broke up the marriage) but hate me. I came long after the divorce. Well any way his son has done horrible things over the years and my hubby thinks he is innocent. None of my kids live with us ( they are all grown) and one day my grandson asked me if he could play with this purple thing that he found in the front bathroom. I looked at it and couldnt believe my eyes, it was a purple dildo. I dont have aneed for them and the only other people that live in the house are my step son and my husband. Well I confronted my husband and he said maybe one of your daughters brought it in...lol.... come on now... found out the boy stole it from his mom and brought it home... he steals from everyone and lies and is mean....destroys peoples things and his dad doesnt believe it was him. well he went away this summer I went thru his room and guess what... I found lots of things with my husband there and said ok this is what needs to be done.. he agreed.... then his son gets home and nothing happens... no talking to, no spanking no grounding not a thing... so me and my husband are on the outs right now... step son does things wrong but I get the attitude cuz I want something to be done with him...I hate my life and Im starting to hate the males in this household..... ↑|
|Name: ann | Date: Sep 3rd, 2008 8:46 PM
|I understand both sides of this....I don't see how old she is but it sounds like a younger kid that is just having a hard time dealing with divorce...and maybe the fact that both of her parents won't take care of you and she sees you are doing the job. I don't think she hates you at all. I did notice something that stuck out in your comment..."he threatens me" if he is threatening you that is not a good enviroment for you or her!!!! Run as fast as you can!!! |
For 12yrs I stayed with a man and took care of his daughter...I loved her like she was my own and neither one of them appreciated it. I taughter her to swim and skate read and write, had all of her parties, and sleep overs....no appreciation what so ever. When I finally divorced him it was hard because I loved her...but the truth is I was used by both of them...she still trys to use me today when she is mad at her dad. As long as he is giving her money she hates me but when he crosses her she "loves me still". Sorry but I am done with both of them!!! She is 21 and she has to remember all I did for her and how aweful her dad was to me.....but for some reason she has selective memory. ↑
|Name: Bill | Date: Sep 11th, 2008 3:20 AM
|My step-daughte is 12. We used to be very close but now she does not want anything to do with me unless she wants something. I have another child and it is very difficult not to totally push her aside and concentrate on my child. I cannot get past how much i love and care about my daughter. ↑|
|Name: just me | Date: Sep 17th, 2008 12:40 AM
|ok... I'm another one being a "stepmother" or I should say an (X) stepmother now....... not because my husband and I split up............|
my husband had a daughter with an x girlfriend. they broke up when the x was 5 months pregnant. he did not know at the time she was. she mailed him a letter telling him she was pregnant and he was going to pay... and by god he paid dearly.
after his daughter was born, he tried to see her as much as possible. but the mother would always play these little games. if you don't want me you can't see your daughter. that when on until she was 5 years old. the x ended up getting married. and when my husband went over to get his daughter the x told him he can not see her any longer. at this time my husband was 22 years old. just growing up and understanding life at his age. he then rec'd papers to sign her over to the guy the x married. my husbands parents told him to sign the papers, give the little girl a father. if the mother willl not allow you to see her at least do that for her...after a couple of weeks he decided to sign the papers figuring that would be best for the little girl....... wrong!
she was 14 going on 15 when she tracked my husband down. and let me tell you, this girl has been a nightmare ever since. her up bringing was and still is terrible. she is now 21 years old I have finally got my husband to realize that she loves the life she lives..... she would come over to our home tell us things about her "other" family. I would catch her in lies, and when we would confront her on them she would not come over for months. no calls no contact nothing..... then out of the blue she would send an email asking how we are doing. like nothing ever happened. we would start up another relationship. again, if she is caught in a lie off she goes. this had gone on for over 5 years. a year ago august she called after almost a year, telling us once again all the bad things about her "other" family and let she was sorry blah,blah blah....... at this point I told her staight up, I will not put up with your lies nor your back stabbing any longer. everything seemed to be going well. she was coming around a lot more. seemed to be really growing up. I told her father that maybe she just needed to grow.... oops, I spoke to soon.
she called me up and told me she was pregnant. and ask if I would go to the doctors with ehr becuase her mother didn't want to go.(welfare mom,sits on fat ass all day) so me being the nice person that I have always been to her, had taken the time out of work. I have gone bove and beyond for this girl. I never treated her any different than my own sons. I actually did more for her than her father did and mother..... anyway, the doctor confirmed the baby. my husband wanted to meet the childs father. now, she has said so many nasty things about this guy now. so we are upset at this guy that who we have never met. so we planned on evening to have the guy come over. on the night it was suppose to happen, she told us to have a nice life and sisn't want anything to do with us... well come to found out (yes ,the childs father did come over) the guy was a great kid.(27years old) it was the daughter who was saying nasty things about us and her mother. both back stabbing all over again. she even told this guy that I cheated on my husband with her x boyfriend. my mouth hit the floor when i had heard that. I could not beleive how someone can be so unhuman. at that point I told my husband. she was no longer welcome in my home. if he chooses to see her he will do it out side of my home. after everything I've done for her and all the lies she has told. I closed my door on her. after I told her that, we rec'd death threats from her family.which they deny. Now, I had a sister who passed away a year ago may..4 months after I told his daughter never again. my sister has a 7 year old little girl who now lives with my husband and me. the word of gotten out, we rec'd text messages telling my husband to leave me and to take my dead sisters kid with me..... my husband told her that she is dead in his eyes after everything she and her "other" family has said and did..... her respond was, I didn't want anything to do with you. a girl just wanted to know who her real dad was. and wishes she never met him....that was her excuse each time she would get caught in lies.........
.................... don't give into them. don't let them break you. you and your husband needs to be as one on this. and to all the so called "other" parent. I think you are a disgrace. for your own pleasure you just destory your childs life wit hthe other parent.... you divorce/broke up for a reason with each other. why must you break up your kids life too??? ↑
|Name: BEEN THERE | Date: Oct 18th, 2008 10:50 AM
|I been a step mom for over 40 years!|
It has been 30 years of pure HELL!
EVIL IS A WEAK FATHER AN A HORRIBLE BEHAVING STEP DAUGHTER!
I had it! No more games!
I won't talk to my daughter or my husband!
I told them both of them, they can go to hell for all I care!
MY SENIOR YEARS GOING TO HAPPY!
They are scare half to death of me right now!
I DON"T CARE!
I really don't know what going to happen tommrrow, but I am coming first for once!
The last two weeks I been getting all the stupid excuses from my step daughter. She still player her games! I told my husband "THAT WON"T CUT IT". I will not be drawn in their web again.
I will not be part of their sick games anymore! They are both JERKS! ↑
|Name: LINDA | Date: Oct 31st, 2008 4:07 PM
|I also have a stepdaughter that is 36 who hates me. I'm fixing to divorce her dad because I just can't take it anymore. We have been married for 15 years and the only problems we have had has been about her.To let you know what kind of person she is the court gave her three things to do to get her children back from her x husband to have a car, a stable job and a place to live with a bedroom for both children.She did not even try to get any of the three things done. My kids are smart and work hard so it's hard for me to take a lazy person I also work two jobs and don't have time to be lazy. I have took more that most people would have took so I feel it's time for me to have some peace of mind and divorce is the only answer.Her father takes up for her and will not tell her when she wrong he even wants me to keep the kids on her week-ends that she has them like I need another job. I'm finished I just wish step children would live their life and let their parents Live also. I can say that I thank God my children have not interfered with our marriage like his has! ↑|
|Name: shatupon | Date: Jan 6th, 2009 9:50 PM
|I too am a step-parent. I also have two small children of my own with my wife (3 and 8mos). My step-daughter is pure evil. I am seriously considering divorcing my wife because of her. I don't want to live like this any more. I have headaches all the time, i feel the stress my step-daughter has brought into our lives is literally harming my health. The thing is, without the evil step-daughter, my relationship with my wife is excellent. What's more, i was raised with my mom and a step-dad. So I do understand some of the stress and discomfort she is having. But, the problems we are having with her are not normal teenage strife. She is pure evil, deceitful, lies, extemely disrespectful, gargantuan sense of entiltlement. My wife is the reason for the problems with her. She refused to ever say no to her and now that she is 17, she is past the point of no return. I have been the best step-father possible and I am a very involved daddy to my little ones. The problems started about 4.5 years ago. My step-daughter started hanging out with older kids (2 years older). My wife allowed her to do anything she wanted: ex. sleeping at her older friends lake cabin with her friends, boys and no parental supervision. I told her she was crazy to allow that. There were many, many (once or twice a week) similiar things she has allowed her to do, either against my advice or without me knowing until it was already happening. Being the Step-Father i needed some support from her mom. I needed her to involve me in decisions and even though she needed to take the lead on parenting (learned from my own experience as a step-kid) she should have listened to me. My goal has always been to do what is best for her and for our family. Her biological father knocked up her mom when they were in high school. He refused to claim her and her birth certificate even says father "unknown". After legal action he has since claimed her as his biological daughter, but that's about it. He mostly ignors her with the exception of a few days around christmas. He doesn't even know where she lives, what instruments she played in band, what awards she has won in swimming. Basically he is a POS (in fact he is a drunk and has been divorced and had his other kids taken away). But, she calls him "Daddy", and constantly talks about him as if he is some kind of god. It sickens me, really. I understood when she was little (again experience as a step-kid), but she is nearly 18. Anyway, she has been drinking, smoking pot and having sex since she was 12 yrs old. I saw the signs and even presented indisputable evidence to her mom, but she refused to do anything. Even after she left out beer cans and beer boxes, nothing happened. My step-daughter has managed to convince my wife that she can do whatever she wants and doesn't have to respect us, demands we respect her (I don't think she really know what respect means). The first night after she was off restriction (which was a joke, my wife caved to every request she made during restriction) the left a note on her desk mocking us for putting her on restriction and admitted to hanging out with her older friends home from college and having six mixed drinks. I informed my wife about this and... guess what.... nothing. I have given up a great deal for my wife and step-daughter (until recently I have always reffered to her a our daughter). I gave up a career and good career possibilities to move to their town because my wife liked the schools here (they've turned out to not be that good). I've done everything for her and she craps on me at every turn and my wife allows it. I finally told my wife that she is beyond the point of no return and i don't think she will get any better until she moves out and grows up (maybe by 25). I don't know if I can take it any longer, I want out. ...but I'd die without my babies. ↑|
|Name: shatupon | Date: Jan 6th, 2009 10:05 PM
|If anyone reading this forum is considering marrying someone who has children. DON'T!!! You can't win. Being a parent is difficult, but being a step-parent in this day and age (especially with a step-DAUGHTER) is impossible. In the last 8 years I've been with my wife and especially the last 5 years we have been married, I have aged 20 years. DON'T BECOME A STEP-PARENT!!! It's HELL!!! ↑|
|Name: monique | Date: Jan 31st, 2009 3:16 AM
|I have a 7 yr old step daughter and she gets on my last nerves. Well me and my boyfriend are not married but he wants his daghter to call me mom. She come over our house every other week, and it feels more like a month. She is constantly getting in trouble at school, picking on my 5yr old son, talk back, and dont respond to grown ups when they are talking to her, Our relationship is going so good, but I just don't know what to do with her. She dont listen, and she is suppose to be moving with us out of town this year. I feel bad the way i feel towards her because she is just a child, but the truth is she actually know what she is doing. Also i know my boyfriend and her real mom know deep down inside that their daughter is a problem child., My major concern is that it dont rub off on my son. It seems as if i have to be more harder on him so he dont follow her path. ↑|
|Name: Steve | Date: Mar 13th, 2009 3:54 AM
|What is missing from all these discussions is SOLUTIONS. Anyone have any thing that has worked? ↑|
|Name: Scott | Date: Apr 6th, 2009 3:15 PM
|I was married for 18yrs recently divorced. I have 2 sons 16 and 17 and a 19yo stepdaughter that I raised since she was 11mo's old. I raised her as my own. My ex is venomous and filling all with poison. I left her becasue she is an abusive lying cheating wife. She never treated me well. Now I have been seperated since last august, she has attempted to destroy my life and my new girlfirends life as well. She has now broken my heart truely by poisoning my duaghters mind against me. I also raised my grandson since he was born, and now she has taken him from me and will not let me see him. I have no right to the baby, and I am so heartbroken. I don't know what to do..|
|Name: Becky | Date: Apr 17th, 2009 6:51 PM
|I am not a mother or a step mother so I may not be of much help to you! And even though I am only 18 In my life I have worked with lots and lots of different children and as of September this year I will be attending a special child care college. I think that alot of the reason you are having trouble with your step kids may be that you are trying to concentrate too much on Disciplining your step children rather than actually getting to know them (this does not apply to all of the comments below!) It is my experience that if done right children can actually find discipline in doing things that are fun. For example (this ones good for in the car or if you have a much younger sleeping infant) If the step child/children are being too noisy one simple way of getting them to quieten down is the game of who can stay silent for the longest period of time. And doing it that way makes being quiet a game and not just something they would find very boring.|
Another piece of my advice to you would be to encourage your husbands/partners to spend quality time with his sons/daughters doing something that they would like to do and I would encourage you step mums to do the same as well. Although in my experience kids really enjoy things being done on a one to one basis so maybe you should spend some alone time just you and them and really get to know what they like and dislike. I know that being in a mixed family must be very difficult at times as certain members of the family may have been brought up in a totally different way to you or to other members of the family. It is important to try and make your step kids feel included in everyday family life. But if you really take the time to get to know them and make clear to them that you are not trying to take their mothers place but you do love them and you do want to have a good relationship with them then they will probably really thank you for it later on. For example on of my mums friends *gh has been a step mother for her entire marriage (since da was one and now she is 16 going on 17) And she has got a wonderful relationship with her step mother. And I strongly believe that this is because my mums friend gh has taken the time to get to know her right from the start!! I hope that this helps!! Good Luck!! xx ↑
|Name: R. | Date: Oct 7th, 2009 3:36 AM
|Here is a solution:|
I was the horrible step child. The reason why was, that I was hurt and did not know how to make that feeling/ emotional pain go away.
I wanted to feel special too like the kind of special that the new wife/girlfriend was getting. I wanted to have lunch with just my parent alone. I wanted to feel that I was more important than the new spouse. I lost my sense of belonging in the family.
Just show love with not being threatened by allowing someone who needs it more tohave a sense of a higher rank in the family. By rank I do not mean to make the decisions or be bossy, but to feel an empowerment of trust with their own parent first that they will always be there for them. From this the love will grow to the other partner, and if true love is not present than a respect for who they are.
Step parenting is like a rubber band. When a child pulls ( pulls for extra love) don't pull back, even if they are holding the rubber band wrong, just let them pull. Because if the step parent/parent pull back the band will snap, and it is almost impossible to tie rubber bands back together and create the same strength.
To this day 30 years after the divorce, I am still upset. I do not talk to one parent, and miss them awful. But now pride is the name for my adult hurt, that holds me back from reaching out to be loved, because I am afriad of losing that parent again. Plus the bridges that we burn are sometimes not repairable, and if they are it is too uncomfortable to walk across. ↑