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Name: someonewhocares | Date: Feb 7th, 2011 2:03 AM
my 14 year old daughter think her boyfriend has to be at our house every single day, and if not shes rude and hateful, I think or know she having sex with her 17 year old boyfriend, should i let her boyfriend come every single day 

Name: Tamara | Date: Feb 9th, 2011 10:01 AM
It's typical for a teen to lash out at the person who takes care of her the most, especially if she's not getting her way. But, it's not your job to be her friend. You're her parent and you are there to take care of her and ensure her safety. You need to stop differing things that your step daughter need parenting on to your husband. Sit down with her and tell her, that you do not expect her to be your friend, but you care very much about her and while she is under your roof and is a minor, YOU are responsible for her and you deserve to be respected. Tell her that you know that you'll never be her biological mother nor will you ever replace her, you are still one of her parents and you wish only for her wellbeing. Then, open up to her. Tell her how you felt when she wrote that stuff on her mirror, and how you feel that, although you spend the most time parenting her, that it hurts your feelings that you and her don't seem to get along. Tell her that you'd really like for you to have a healthy relationship, not one that will replace her mom, but a different one between you and her. And as long as she lives under you roof and is underneath your care, that she has to abide by the rules of your house. Tell her that you were her age once and you understand that sometimes parents and kids don't always see eye to eye, but that you're willing to discuss it in a logical and calm manner when you and her have a dispute. And-- then, make sure if you tell her that-- that you ACTUALLY MAKE YOURSELF AVAILABLE to have discussions with her and LISTEN TO HER. Tell her why you were upset and why you felt she she was being disrespectful to "people and their things" and that you don't want to have to go through her father to talk sensibly to her. Ask how we can do things differently to make her feel more comfortable with you, and explain that you're willing to put the effort in to having a relationship, as long as she tries to get along as well. Discuss the rules of your house with you and WHY you have them. Ask her if there is something that she would like to add to that list or perhaps there are things you'd be willing to make compromises on. Tell her that you are always available to listen to her WITHOUT JUDGING HER! Now, this is a hard one, but it's important to build trust. Then, make good on that offer. If in the future she shares something with you that you don't agree with, tell her that you are not judging her as a person, but you don't agree with that, and tell her WHY.

The bottom line is: You are NOT a child, so don't act that way or stoop to her level. But, you do deserve respect and you are her PARENT. Unfortunately to build a relationship with your step daughter, you need to open and available to having one in the first place, and you need to be CONSISTENT with how you listen to her and treat her from that day forward. Trust and respect are earned. Show her that you have feelings and that you care about her and want a relationship and you're willing to work things out and make compromises as long as they do not jeopardize her safety.

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Name: Angie | Date: Apr 14th, 2011 7:44 PM
I agree completely with those who say don't do it. Being a stepmother is the absolute worst experience I have ever had in my life and if I could go back and make the choice again, I would run!!!! My stepdaughter is now 15 with a 3 week old baby. She is manipulative and a liar. I have given this girl everything emotionally, physically and financially since she was barely 5 years old and she is an absolute psychopath because my husband and her biological mother have allowed her to be. Never any discipline at all. Her biological mother knows she lies; she lies about her and her father, but let her lie about something I did and her biological mother becomes the same type of drama queen. Now unfortunately this psycho (threatening to murder people including her own parents), lying, manipulative, uncompassionate girl has a 3 week old baby she is using as a pawn. I can't see him because I won't do what she says, he is not being taken care of and all I can do is pray. I wish I had ran away years ago!!! 

Name: Anna | Date: May 1st, 2011 12:04 PM
Your step daughter is manipulating her dad and until he sees that ,you will have a very very rough time. My step daughter talked, argued and cried in that order to get her own way and I was always wrong. If I asked her to tidy her room she would cry and run to her dad and tell him I had a problem with her and I would get into trouble. Sit back and let him take the parenting role. She will feel she has won and let her guard down and show herself for the lying coniving little girl she is. Spend time on yourself and withdraw from tem. It is their mess. Let them deal with it. 

Name: Lila | Date: May 13th, 2011 9:17 PM
To Sherry,

Thanks so much for your thoughtful responses. I'm in a relationship of 5 years and experience some of the things people have mentioned. I have had to work hard to separate my own personal weaknesses from the situation. I never had children and I'm now 53 years old. I was 48 when they came into my life. I had no idea how to "do" this. There is tension between the father and I and he tells me to "grow up." I do feel resentful sometimes because I'm made to feel very unreasonable at time. Some of it is probably because I've never had children myself and have not had the maternal experience. I'm sure it's different when they are "yours." I have asked my mate to talk to his children (boy and girl) for over three years now - to explain (especially to the daughter) that his love will never go away and no one will take her "place," but now there is another person in their life who means a lot to him in a different way. But sometimes he sets up competitive situations - I feel like a dunce, an idiot and so childish sometimes in the way that I react. I know she is only a child. I would like to take your advice and try even harder to show her love and patience and to ACCEPT the fact that they do have a bond that is special and doesn't include me. It never will. So that means I need to be strong. I can't have children, so I can't placate myself with unconditional love from my own offspring. Sometimes this hurts to think of. I will continue doing my best and just walk away if I feel an impulse to get upset. The problem is that sometimes the daughter says and does things that I don't believe I would accept from my own child. I feel it's okay if you express to the child your unhappiness or disappointment when they've done something really irresponsible. His kids are very, very messy and leave a room looking as if they are 3 years old, instead of 12 and 13. I am appauled. This is my home, too. How do I get them to understand that even if their dad accepts it, that I don't and that they must respect that? My mate doesn't reinforce it; he's so afraid of hurting the kids' feelings. They are already talking back to him and saying they don't want to do things and also challenge HIS behavior. My mouth is left dangling open. Just not sure where to draw the line; especially with matters of the physical home. I feel like a failure. I love the kids very much, but my mate has this secret thing with his daughter and I once heard him tell her not to tell or show ME something because I might get jealous. I think this really is undermining my relationship with the daughter. She doesn't tell the truth and I am left unable to say anything to her because the father and I will argue. I've said a lot. I will look for a support group. 

Name: rc1975 | Date: Jun 2nd, 2011 10:00 PM
Feeling really depressed with all of these sad stories. I became step parents to a wonderful little girl (now 6) about a year ago. If you could ask for a dream child she is it - shame the same can't be said about her mother, who is a money-grabbing, manipulating person who won't even meet me. How is it possible to claim that you love your child more than anything and then not even bother to meet the person who she is spending so much time with, while bad-mouthing her to the child. Every time my step daughter comes to visit I am afraid she will be different to me thanks to her mpther's interference.

My partner and I have just tried to act like a normal family and I think she just loves being in a happy and stress-free environment. The most important thing is that you stick together, because whether you are their biological parent or not, you are still a parent to them now.

My hope is that her mother's nastiness will backfire and my actions will speak louder than her words :) 

Name: Christy | Date: Jun 9th, 2011 12:25 AM
My step daughter is 10 and my husband and I have been married for 5 years. She lives with us and always has because her mom left and us on again off again when it comes to involvement. Her mom makes empty promises and is manipulative and just really makes my blood boil. My step daughter loves her so much, understandably, but I have a hard time bonding with her because everytime I feel like we are really bonding she brags about how beautiful and wonderful her mom is. I gave her an iPhone for her birthday... She wanted pictures for the screen saver, so I sent her a bunch.... But her mom found out about the phone and texted her one picture and she put the picture of her mom as the screen saver. I feel jealous that we are never going to connect even though I've raised her since she was 5 and I've been in her life since she was 3... And her mom chose to leave her when she was 2. It doesn't seem fair that she gets to be the glorified one when I've been here working so hard to provide her with a wonderful life and I've always been here for her. My husband says I'm acting childish, but I can't really help my feelings. It kills me inside. 

Name: michelle rodriquez | Date: Jul 7th, 2011 6:45 AM
i would like to chat with someone who cant get along with their step kids 

Name: Michelle Rodriquez | Date: Jul 7th, 2011 6:56 AM
i dont feel bad anymore. it is a two way street and i refuse to waste valuable time trying to get his kids to appreciate what our family has to offer. let their rude and ignorant other parent raise them 

Name: jen | Date: Aug 3rd, 2011 7:03 AM
what to do when bio mom coaches 7 yr old daughter to lie about things happening at step moms home 

Name: Mike | Date: Aug 6th, 2011 3:26 AM
She Wants to have a biologicle mother or she wanted her dad to be single because she was more happy and shes is a young women she change her mind later in the future hope any of these help try spend time with here, see whats going on and why she feels that way. 

Name: Toni | Date: Aug 21st, 2011 1:07 PM
Dear All,

I am a step-mother of two girls ages 13 and soon to be 17. I have had this role since they were 1 and 5. It has been very difficult at times over the years and still is. The difference here is that my husband backs me up 100%. The mother of the girls has tried to cause friction between us by trying to turn the girls against us (mainly me) because of jealousy. She has never wanted the girls to like being with us too much. She is very insecure. Throughout this I have tried to be a loving supportive step mother. I have provided their health insurance for most of my marriage, worked hard with my husband to save for and buy a home giving them a beautiful bedroom of their own to use every Friday to Sunday. Paid for camps, lessons, etc. It can be a thankless uncomfortable job. A step-mother is a step-daughter's natural born enemy especially if that step daughter has a living mother who lacks the maturity that it takes to realize that anyone who treats your children well deserves her respect and kindness. Again, it has been bearable and at times very pleasant because my husband puts our marriage first. He loves his daughters, but is wise enough to not entertain drama or manipulation from anyone. Anytime there has been a situation where his teenage daughter has tried to manipulate a situation he stops her dead and tells her to end it, end of story. 

Name: APS | Date: Aug 21st, 2011 4:57 PM
I have been in a similar situation--two step-daughters, who were 2 and 6 when we met. My advice? LEAVE. If your husband isn't being supportive, doesn't treat you like an equal and pits you and the step-daughter against each other, nothing good will come of this. My step daughter stole, lied, took drugs and dated a 23 yr old sex offender when she was 15 yrs old. My ex didn't want to parent, and I was the bad guy when I tried to lay down rules. I tried therapy for the child, family therapy, individual therapy and mediation to no avail.
Not every situation is hopeless, but you shouldnt have to battle your HUSBAND for respect. 

Name: Mayday | Date: Aug 22nd, 2011 6:06 AM
I have two step children a boy that's 12 and a girl that's 16! They both were sweet in the beginning until there mothers started to talk bad about me! It seems my step son loves me regardless but my step daughter tries to undermine me and she curses at me and calls me names! She also miss treat my other children! She was. Successful at breaking her mother and step father up but she will not get the best of me! Taking it one day at a time! 

Name: cindy | Date: Aug 27th, 2011 1:11 AM
I am 54 and my mother Sony tell me who my farther is and will not talk about it. 

Name: jojo | Date: Aug 29th, 2011 12:16 AM
DOn't do it. DOn't marry someone with kids. Especially if you haven't had any of your own first. The whole experience will WRECK you. Skids seldom accept a Sparent, especially girl skids. Marry someone without kids or wait until yours/theirs are out of the house. Marriage is overrated anyway. 

Name: Maggie911 | Date: Aug 30th, 2011 3:00 PM
I can relate to your story, i too have a stepdaughter who rights on things that she hates me. First time we spoke about it and everything was fine. The hard part is that i have a 4 year old child and she seems to always say that i love my child more than her, and that is not true. When i tell her that she must stop doing something that is wrong she sulks and ill treats the small child. I have done so much for this child more than her biological mother. We have tried therapy it does not seem to work. I sometimes dont want her around me anymore because i dont know what next to expect. I love my family and she will always be part of our family. I'm tired and drained from this child i have run out of solutions. What must i do????? 

Name: TJ | Date: Oct 14th, 2011 8:41 PM
I'm in a similar situation to many people here. My stepdaughter hates me! She tries to turn my wife against me, argues with everything I say, says nasty things to me and is just really rude to me all the time (really there are never any pleasant times!). My wife seems worried about hurting her feelings so never supports me in stopping her being rude to me and if I say something I end up being shouted at by my wife!
My wife and me have a son together who is really great and if it wasn't for him I really don't think I could stay in the relationship. The situation can really make me feel depressed and I just don't know what to do. It feels more and more that my stepdaughter is turning my wife against me and I'm getting more and more unhappy.
But I really want the relationship to work because I love my wife and I want to live with my son - the idea of not seeing him every day would be dreadful.
I really feel trapped and would love some advice! 

Name: renee | Date: Oct 16th, 2011 4:06 AM
Wow, at least I am not going through my situation alone. My husbands daughter who was 7 when we married has always been close to me until now, now she's 15 wants to stay at moms and go out with boys. She denies visitation and the court never does anything about it, and i am ALWAYS her excuse for the first 4 court fights my step daughter stood up for me now she's just like her mother and is causing tension in my marriage I have 2 other girls and my husband tries so hard to do what is right but there is so much hatred and i am so sick of his ex wife trying to control our lives, making us spend time Sep and not as a family its gotten quite old , I really pray that they will get theirs and karma because no one should go through this I have had children services called on me , been accused of being a drug addict, false police reports filed when will it end , I have never been in trouble a day in my life and to top things off I have cancer and the stress is making it worse any advice cuz I have tried to ignore things but how much can u ignore when your husband resents you because his child isn't around because she blames you?! 

Name: v p | Date: Nov 15th, 2011 9:23 AM
i am so so tired of being so stressed how can a 16 year old make me so sad she came to live with us 2 years ago her dadan i have 2 sons togrther i ave kwon herfrom the age of 3 we were just fine her mum kicked her ot an she moved in with us telling us her mum had no time 4 her she did not speak to her mum 4 a long time only started getting close to her when she stopped talking to her dad an i . she did not wish her dad 4 his birthday or fathers day but makes sure to wish her stepdad who sh has ignored for a long time everything is a fight with her if her dad has to ask it is disrespect from her am so sadtoday my hubby an i had an argument i cant do this anymore i dont like her at all she is a mean how can a child make you feel so low in your spirit an looking an talking to her she can be so sweet people will think that i am being the evil stepmom what must i do. 

Name: Marie | Date: Jan 18th, 2012 4:12 AM
DON'T Marry a man with a daughter!!!! Step-daughters will make your life HELL!!!! as much as you love him it is not worth it. She will do everything she can to cause problems. RUN!!!!! and don't look back. I love my husband but, every fight we have had was because of his daughter. Someone told me not to marry a man with a daughter.... now I'm telling you... If you did marry him... I know your pain and your not alone. 

Name: jen | Date: Jan 18th, 2012 8:45 PM
I just got told by my step daughter that i am never allowed to visit my ex's family and if i did she would crack my head open and she could get away with it becase she just came back from iraq and has ptsd, and all this the day after his Funnral and my daughter that he and i had together is caught in the middle! Help!! 

Name: am | Date: Jan 20th, 2012 6:28 PM
all these letters are talking about young children, but what about my thirty year old daughter? she hates me even though i have always been there for her but now i hate her too. she is spoilt and self centred and still sucks her thumb with a 'blanket'. she is trying to split us up and is alsways controlling her dad. should i divorce him? he always takes her side. 

Name: shalaine21 | Date: Jan 24th, 2012 2:17 PM
Hi I'm shalaine. I'm dating a guy whose recently divorced, he has 3 daughters from his previous marriage. I'm 21 years of age, I have never been married or had kids, I recently met the 2nd daughter, she was amazing to me, she treated me well and I truly adored her. The eldest daughter whose 9 years old is a bit of a problem, it was her birthday recently and I bought her a gift, she blatantly refused it and it really hurt my feelings. The thing is I have been a step child twice in my life, I know how it feels to have someone else in the place of my dad but that is no reason to treat ur stepparent rudely n mean. Maybe yours as well as my step daughter feel as though we are the reason that their dad isn't with their mom anymore.... They built up this resentment for us. I strongly suggest that your husband and yourself sit down for a family meeting with he's daughter, yes she doesn't have to like you but she needs to know that you are a human being and you have feelings just as she does. Tell her that u are not replacing her mom all u want to be is a friend to her, your husband needs to stop yelling at you after what his daughter tells him, that is unacceptable behaviour! All the best! 

Name: gh | Date: Jan 25th, 2012 12:26 AM
mMy step daughter is dating out side of or race sorry but I dont like it her mom wasnt ok with But is now just to please her and keep peace we have been to getther since she was3 now17 neither is talking to me probly getting divorced not what it 

Name: nohemi | Date: Jan 26th, 2012 1:54 AM
I am in a similar situation,...I never trust again in my stepdaughter, my husband for years treat me cruel ,horrible, even. My husband and me were separated several time, ...but when We back together she is very conflictive person...now I an thinking in divorce ...my husband priority is her, and treat me with despite. 

Name: Mike and Shirley Hall | Date: Jan 27th, 2012 4:39 AM
It started when I married my wife at first everything was o.k. but all of a sudden she started with that I rapped her and I went to jail ect... when went to court after paying thousands of dollars to prove she was wrong she dropped all the charges, go figure I should have seen the red flags then but being raised to forgive and forget she hooks up with a guy and got pregnant and like wouldn't you know it he refuse's to have anything to do with the baby so were stuck raising her child plus her on the good we ended up with a very lovely grand-baby none the less she has done everything she could to break us up to the point of calling the police on me more than one occasion for anything under the sun so as time goes by I developed C.O.P.D, Asthma, High blood Pressure, and heart problems just wondering should I cut my losses and move on or what then if that wasn't enough she got involved with another man for which she had twin boys and again were raising (2) more now that's 3 kids plus 1 ignorant grown up child that refuses to clean the house, stay up all hours of the night and keeps us up as well, then again to night when I asked her to stop with the noise she calls the police, by the way I'm 45 yrs old and my wife is 50 yrs old I was laid off of my job and she works a 10-12 hours a day but the grown up child has only worked 2 jobs in her life time that lasted no more than 6 months at the latest we managed to get her boyfriend to pay rent for his twin boys but that's only $200.0 a month that includes room and board, utility's, cable, internet and she did buy a car that we use but we manage all repair's and wear and tear and insurance 

Name: tammy f | Date: Feb 1st, 2012 1:57 PM
ditto, ditto, ditto. But in addition please consider the following:
-My husband and I have been married for 5 yrs (Subtract the 4 long separations/desertions - lasting 4 -6 months at a time - as well as the countless 2 -3 day rifts - all of which stemmed from arguments about his now 10 year old daughter).
-SD's parents were never a "couple" , nor did they ever lived together after she was born. ie no divorce trauma.
-Her mother sells cannabis from the kithchen drawer
-she is severly malnourished and will only pick at sweet/fried/salty takeaway food - nothing else. At 10 yoa she worked up the courage to taste a banana and an apple for the first time. Last week. She did not like the apple. "Too sour" (actually just not sweet enough for her palate!!)
-her mother is a shopaholic/hoarder of "stuff". had to rent extra storage space for all the unopened, unused "stuff". "Stuff" is very important in their home and expected (in great quantities) at every trip to supermarket etc. (wouldn't bug me so much if it wasn't all cheap, tacky crap! I'm talking 2 pairs of the same plasic heels
-I was married to the wonderful father of my 3 sons for 21 years and we remain close allies regarding "the boys" They are well educated, empathic, well travelled, happy, successful in their careers and their relationships, living independently whilst close to one-another, their father, their step-father and their mumma!.................I have to stop here, there is soooo much more and as I'm writing, I'm realising just how stupid I am to still be putting up with this. There will be no advice that can save our marriage now, despite the fact we love one another very much because I TRIED EVERYTHING !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm exhausted and completely shattered. Tragically, there will be no "winners" from this mess. 

Name: tammy f | Date: Feb 2nd, 2012 5:17 AM
re above - I do know that had my husband been a mature parent , a supportive partner and recognised the long term harm being done to his daughter (instead of trying to win a popularity contest) this train wreck could have been averted.


Name: GSC | Date: Feb 27th, 2012 3:49 AM
I am about to file for a divorce due to my step-daughters lies, cheating stealing etc......She definately plays her father against me with oh daddy you know that I wouldnt do that.....He consitently rewards bad behavior, if I tell him that she has done something wrong he immediately buys her something, because she says oh daddy you know I wouldnt do that..... First of all let me explain she is 15, My Husband had not seen her since she was 8, His ex made sure of that by constanly moving from state to state living in and out of cars, with people who would carry them until they got tired of them etc..., in Nov of 2010 my Husband & I got a phone call on Thanksgiving day from my ex's daughter "his Step daughter" telling us that they were at her house when she got off work had no place to live, no food, was living in a car etc. She tried to get her mother to let my step daughter stay there so she could have a place to live food etc her mother wouldnt allow it. So the next evening sure enough we found them living in a car my step daughter in shorts, step granddaughter soaking wet with urine had no food etc.... we got custody of her she was 13 then, turned 14 1 month after we got her had not even been enrolled in school that year. so she has been with us for 1 yr & 2 months I am the one who takes care of her as my husband works long hrs and usually 7 days a week he may take 1 sunday per month off....he has no idea of what she would or wouldnt do as he hasnt really seen her since she was 8 and I have tried to talk with him about her beahvior, he gets mad at me and of course its all my fault, I have had her in counseling twice it has done nothing.........he is scared to discipline her because his ex kept her wawy from him for so long, so he sees nothing wrong with allowing her to do what she wants when she wants and how she wants........ My children are raised and gone.......Had I known when I said I do that there was any possible way this could have happened I would not have married my Husband....................... 

Name: Val | Date: Feb 28th, 2012 8:36 PM
Hi there!

I'm sorry about that, I have also just got married and my husbands ex wife has chased away their 14year old. At first I wasn't staying with her coz we were not married so she had to go stay with my husband's brother for a year. During that time it was very hard coz he would always be complaining that his daughter is not being treated properlly and it was really affecting him. We got married in December last year and January she had to now come and live with us.ee baughta bigger house to accommodate her coz I also have a son. She came to see the house and I ask her how she felt about it and she said she liked her room and her bed and she was exited and could not wait to move in and so I was also verfyexited to have her come stay with us and be a mother to her,

When the day came when she had to movein I started hearing stories about transportation to school that it would be very difficult for hour to travell.
I insisted that she comes cause I had a knowledge that shewas being abused were she was staying so I insisted but what I got was worse.

Her father first started lying telling me that he had already baught her the bus ticket and then he told me she will come and visit over the weekends so I agreed as long as she was happy that was all I wanted.

After some time her father and I were having some kind of disagreement and that was when he told me that I am intimmidating and that is the reason his daughter doesn't want to live with me, she told him that she is scared of me and she only comes to vissit when I'm not even. There coz my familly is far away so the weekends that I go are the weekends tthat she comes and she changes eveyrhing around the house and herfather would bemad at me and telling me that I'm not doing enough when it comes to house keeping.

I don't want to loose my husband and I lobe my step daughte even thoughshe does not like me but I feel like I have to compete.
What should I do?
Why does she lie like that first it was the brother and now its me? How am I supposed to even live with her agin after all this???

Help me please 

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