I have a boyfriend that been living with me for 4yrs and he has a 15 year old daughter. After 4yrs i just found out she hates me. I stubbled on her journal and all it said was that she hates me and will try to beak me an her dad up. That she will make my life a living hell. Now i did nothing to this child i do things with her and buy her things and involve her in anything we do. I love her dearly and her father too. She aldo drew a picture of her and her dad all happy and her stabbing me with a knife i dont know what to make of this. Will she actually achieve in breaking me and her dad up. I cant tell her dad what i found he will think i snooped in her belongings what am i to do .
Its eating me up inside to think she feels this way after repeatidly saying she dont hate me in front of her father. ↓
|Name: pj754 | Date: Jul 17th, 2006 1:16 PM
|Has she said anything to her father about you? Does she act up when the two of you are alone or in front of her father? She's angry with you because she feels you might be trying to replace her mom. Is her mom a big part in her life? How does her mom feel about you? I wouldn't speak about what you read and you're right, they will be angry with you snooping. Personally, 19 years ago, I wrote a journal about my dad's girlfriend on how much I hated her. Yes, she found it, read it and told my dad about it. I know she was snooping because I had it hid. I became more angry with her when my dad said something to me about it. Yet, overtime, I came around and tried to be nice and give her the benefit of the doubt. Although, to date, I still don't like her. All she does is stab me in the back and says a lot of hurtful things about me to my family and my dad. I don't speak to my dad anymore because of her. She enjoys twisting things to make me look bad in my dad's eyes. No matter, how much I would try to explain myself to my dad, he chose not to see what she has done to me plus he sides with her because she is his wife. I ended up moving out 2 years after she moved in because I couldn't stand being around her. I wouldn't come home to visit because once she moved in it didn't feel like home anymore. I may have wished hurtful things to happen to her but there was no way I could ever follow through with how I felt. When I got older, I have tried on several occasions to put the past behind me, but this woman is still a snake. I'm not the only one that thinks this. My dad's own sister feels the same way I do. Hopefully, this time will pass for you. She may come around just give her time. |
However, you don't sound anything like my step-mom. You seem to be very loving and understanding. It may take sometime for her to trust you. If she confides in you about something she did was wrong, be honest and up front with her about discussing it with her father. Don't lie and hid things just to make her happy because that will create more problems down the road between you and your boyfriend. If your boyfriend truly loves you, she won't be able to break your relationship up. Always remain fair and reasonable with her. She's afraid to trust you. ↑
|Name: amazing | Date: Jul 24th, 2006 5:53 AM
|I would tell him anyway. Just as Dr Phil states, it's YOUR RIGHT to check their stuff...otherwise, she can keep her stuff somewhere else. I would contact the police because at 15, if she's writing this, you don't know what she is actually capable of. ↑|
|Name: Siren | Date: Jul 24th, 2006 6:37 PM
|Hi pj754 |
thanks for the advice but things are getting worse. She dont tell her dad that she hates me, and she is all nice to me if i do things with her. She tells me she likes me. We went camping on the weekend and things were stressing enough, the boyfriend got mad because he felt he was the ping pong ball between us. As he was talking he told his daughter that she has a choice of liking me or not. then asked her does she feel comfortable and safe with me and she said yes. Then he follows with if you dont feel comfortable or safe with the person im with then she is history. I know she wants me gone and her dad to herself. All weekend i told her if you want to go fishing with your dad alone i will understand cuz i know its important to have time with daddy alone. She said no and i told her dad what i have told her and he confronted her with " you dont mind if she comes fishing with us do ya." He also told me that our relationship is coming to an end because i mentioned that i think his daughter hates me, and he said cant be with anyone that thinks my daughter hates her. So if he loves me would he have said that. I think not. Right now im at a point i cry all the time to think all the things ive did for these two in order to be treated so bad. Thanks for the compliment on telling me i seem caring that i do because i only want to embelish her life not destroy it. As for the relationship with her mother she lives with her and they do fight, but then again the father puts the mother down in front of the kid and tells the kid to tell her off so what does that tell ya. The mother knows of me but we never actually talked idont know what she feels towards me. Only time will tell what will happen wheather its a break up or not. All i know is that i love them both unconditionally.
|Name: Siren | Date: Jul 24th, 2006 6:39 PM
Yes i do understand your point but you need to know what type of guy i am with in order to do that. His daughter is always first and she does no wrong. I do all the wrong. I am being careful about what she drew i am sleeping with one eye open.
|Name: tacomacat | Date: Jul 24th, 2006 8:09 PM
|She is trying to gain control which is not unusual for a 15 year old. Don't let her break you and your husband up. He comes before her. She will be grown in 3/4 years and he will be with you until death. I would tell her father what you found. Talk to him when she is not around. Sit down together and figure out how to handle this situation together. ↑|
|Name: Siren | Date: Jul 24th, 2006 8:47 PM
We are not married. He will find that i was snooping in her things even tho i sumbled on it. I know she will be ground and then gone. He dont realize that she is the one deciding what to do with his girlfriend. Im so confused and ready to give up on everything just deal with the hurt and call it another hurtful experience. ↑
|Name: tacomacat | Date: Jul 24th, 2006 9:01 PM
|Siren: I apologize that I read your story wrong. For some reason, it registered in my brain you were married. If you love her father dearly, then stay. If you don't, then leave and call it another experience. ↑|
|Name: Serina S | Date: Jul 25th, 2006 12:47 PM
|May be you could sit down with her and just tell her ..how you feel about her & how you love her and want the best for her. Let her know she can come to you for anything and that you want to me her friend. Go out justthe two of you and have the talk. Kids sometimes think that they can not love both mother and girlfriend \ step mother.They feel like you are trying to replace the mother. Reasure her. Maybe she thinks her dad will get back with her mom if you were not around.|
Do not worry about the diary she could have been mad at you for something.
My step daugher(12) left her diary out on my desk with I hate my step mother all over a page cause I yelled at her. It was the first time I realy got man at her ( she hurt her brother that was sleeping (He is 14). I think she left it out for me to see. I just handed it to her & told her to pit it away if she does not want folks to read it.
I know she love me and we have a great time when we hang out.I mean kids hate there mothers too some times.
Just be aware that she may hate you but more the idea of you...if you know what I mean. Just be as kind as you can be and show her that you are her friend.
Good luck!! ↑
|Name: Sharla | Date: Jul 25th, 2006 2:42 PM
|Siren, when you say you stumbled upon it, do you mean it was open somewhere that wasnt her bedroom and you only read that open page or you saw the diary, opened it and read it? Everyone is entitled to privacy (yes you have read correctly amazing), even teenagers! She is probably getting anger out of her system by writing in her diary, it doesnt mean shes going todo anything that she write and to be honest she probably doesnt even mean it. Apart from what you read in her diary, is there anything else she says/does that goves you the impression that she doesnt like you? If I were you, Id keep it to myself if I had read her diary because I totally understand her going mad and doingeverything she can to split you both up if she realises you snoop around her things. The fact that your boyf said that he cant be with anyone who thinks his daughter hates her is a clear sign of his immaturity. Would a grown man with half a brain actually say that? I think not. I understand he loves his daughter and in hs eyes she can do no wrong, but, he also needs to see that you are doing your level best to make her happy (something you have no obligation to do). If he is not willing to respect you to the extent that he is able to listen to your fears and concerns aboutEVERYTHING and EVERYONE in your life then he is obviously not the man for you. He should be happy that you are concerned that his daughter may not like you, not angry. I think this man needs to grow up, if not, I think you need to show him where the door is. It may sound harsh, but hey, you need a man who appreciates how caring and understanding you are. ↑|
|Name: To SIREN | Date: Jul 26th, 2006 10:02 PM
|Of course she's going to say that in front of her dad!!!! You definitely need to bring to both of their attentions what you discovered. Or you can look at it like you have been together for 4 years and you aren't broken up yet and ignore the whole thing. She has probably felt this way all along but just doesn't show her feelings but instead writes them down. The next time you are shopping with her and she wants you to buy her something,casually say to her something like,"Why? I know you really hate me so why should I buy you anything?" Ask her if she really wants you out of her dads life and see what she says. ↑|
|Name: Siren | Date: Jul 27th, 2006 12:06 AM
|HI Serina |
Ive tried to sit her down and asking her what do i do that she hates so much and telling her that if anything i do bothers her to tell me and i will do my best not to upset her, for instance me and her dad love to cuddle but she dont like that so i stoped all cuddling, i love this kid so much i am willing to stop what i only know. I am not myself anymore im the type to show my affection to the man im with. I know all kids hate the step mom and so on and im thinking she is lashing out. I do things with us alone like take her swimming and so on, but this year for some reason she dont want to do anything with me. ↑
|Name: Siren | Date: Jul 27th, 2006 12:13 AM
|HI Sharla |
When i mean stubbled i mean i put her clean clothes away and it fell off the shelf and opened to that page. I dont beleive in reading her diary i do understand she has rights even tho she is 15 i know this all too well. Has for the boyfriend being childish i think your right he should sit her down and tell her that i mean no harm and that no matter what she will have to deal with who he is with. I feel like telling him that its wrong what he said because she will grow up and leave him but ill be there for him till the end. Ive done so much for him, like put him through school, and when he wasnt working and no money i gave to him freely to go get his daughter. so on so much that i did without hesitation. All i ever asked for is to have a good future with the guy im with but i am concern she will achieve to seperate us. They left for a one week camping trip together only them two and before they left her father tried to play fight with me and she looked at us and started to pout. I didnt play fight back because it was upsetting her. Im damned if i do and damned if i dont. I need to be happy too, I need to be myself which i noticed im not since she came here. Im always told that im too generous with my heart and it gets broken all the time. Im the type i would take my shirt off to help someone in need. At times i wish i would be cold hearted but im cursed with a bigggg heart. ↑
|Name: pj to Siren | Date: Jul 28th, 2006 5:04 PM
|When my boyfriend entered my life, I wasn't divorced yet. My three children were very skeptical of him. Yet, he didn't give up because of their looks and resentment. Now, two out of three of my children love him dearly. My oldest son has chosen to live with his father. I believe he thought my boyfriend/fiance was trying to take the place of his father. Yet, my daughter, who is a year younger than her brother, sees the broader picture. I, too, stopped the affection in front of them because I didn't want them to get upset. However, my boyfriend kept doing what he's doing now. He has a lot to offer them just like you do. I, too, stubbled on their diaries and most things I've read, I never mentioned anything about. However, I feel as a mother, it's my job to help them get through the difficult times they will experience in their lives. Since, you've been with your boyfriend for 4 years, she might be the type that will take awhile to see the real you. Unfortunately, your boyfriend shouldn't diss her mother in front of her because that doesn't teach her to be respectful. Even though, she may disagree with authority, she still needs to be respectful of rules. Don't change yourself because that's what she wants. That will only teach her that she can manipulate you. Continue to do the things you believe in. Sometimes, we try to make people understand but they have to be the one, who is willing to change. I, too, have a big heart just like you. I've allowed so many people to walk all over me because of my heart. Yet, I'm learning how to protect. Sometimes, it's easier to say than do. You might want to give her space. Maybe, don't spend so much time as you do with her? Just to see, how much she misses the quality time you two have together. Awhile back with my son, my boyfriend was a great guy when he wanted something but my boyfriend wasn't going to stand for being used. As long as my son was doing the responsible things, then he would get rewarded. Although, my son couldn't see past that and decided my rules were too harsh, so he wants to live with his father. He's been with his father for a month and a half and has no contact with me. I've spoken to him on the phone and saw him at my daughter's softball games but that's it. Nothing more. I feel like he has cut me out of his life. I can only hope and pray one day he will see that I still love him. As much as I have tried to make him understand that life is hard, he chooses not to listen to me. Yet, I'm afraid, his father is leading him down the wrong path. Sometimes, these tough love lessons is something he has to learn. All you can do is be you!!!! Don't change because she expects you to. If your boyfriend doesn't talk with you about this, he's not willing to commit totally to you. Sometimes, we do so many things for others and we don't get anything in return. That's a sign of a loving generous person. You might have to stop doing those things, at least for a while, just to see exactly where you stand in the family picture. Stand back and analyze the things going on around you. If you are the one always giving and never receiving a little bit in return, this is something you have to be willing to change. Love hurts and it hurts deeply but it might save you from future heartache. I apologize if what I said offended you, I don't mean to. I don't want to see you being taken for granted. I hope things do get better and keep me posted--if you want to talk more email [email protected] ↑|
|Name: lisa | Date: Jul 31st, 2006 11:29 PM
|there's not a lot you can do. You need to act like you never found out this info. She probably really doesn't hate you. It was just an emotion she felt at the time. just take care of yourself. Spend some time with friends and family who won't judge you. You are in a very difficult role. I feel for you, as I am a step parent too. ↑|
|Name: JenCarpeDiem | Date: Aug 1st, 2006 4:26 AM
|Okay. Reading the journal was wrong, even if you found it by accident and it magically opened to the right page, you definitely didn't accidentally read it.|
A 15 year old girl would detest her biological mother, why shouldn't she hate her not-even-step-mother? You don't have to do something to the child for her to wish she was living with her biological parents.
She probably drew that picture while she was angry. Some people just need to express anger creatively before it will really leave their system - most of the best artists work that way.
Don't tell her Dad, you'll only create more animosity. You don't know *when* she wrote it - and if you had no idea about any of this, she's clearly not acting on it, is she? So just accept that, especially with teenage hormones, some people need to rant and rave about little things in a journal and make it seem like the world is ending.
Don't do anything about it. Just try to become her friend. Encourage your partner to spend more time alone with her, tell him it's very important to you. Send them to the cinema together, make them go shopping together, anything. As a 19 year old, I can tell you that any time I spend with my Dad, alone, is extremely precious and I value it very much. It's not even the same when my brother is there - and I'd hate to have his girlfriend there instead. ↑
|Name: Siren | Date: Aug 4th, 2006 6:01 AM
I dont know how things are, the boyfriend and his daughter went camping for a week together, and when they got home boyfriend had to leave for out of town job. I maybe saw them for a few hours. I know when boyfriend asked me to go with him to bring the daughter back to her mom, her attitude changed. She started to cry. I really do feel for her but i cant seen to help her if she wont let me. I know its a phase she is going through, but she needs to know im no treat to her. She called to see if her dad got a hold of me since he left all the conversation was "is my daddy there " when i said no she said ok bye never gave me the opportunity to as her if she is ok and if she needed anything. Now i gave the boyfriend money to go out of town for the job interview because he has no income, i find out he gave the daughter money. Well that really dont help much because she dont realize its from me she gets the money not her dad. My parents think she is a two face she is all nice to them and then all ignorant to me, cough up attitude. My parents see me hurt especially when i thought they would come a day before he had to leave to spend it with me but didnt. She didnt want to come back so she decided what they would do. The boyfriend didnt see the hurt in me or the disapointment. I have alot to offor them but they dont seem to want it. Im starting to think maybe its a loss cause. I love them both dearly and want a future with them , but im running out of hope. I am thinking maybe someone would just love what i have to offer. I am finishing my schooling and soon to be a social work but its hard when its happening to you cuz you cant always see through the stain glass. ↑
|Name: Siren | Date: Aug 24th, 2006 10:38 PM
|Hi Everyone |
Its been a long time since i wrote to you. Here is the situation. I know my step daughter told her father she dont like me. She been calling every day and he has been really upset with her, She wants him to herself and noticed the games she is playing. He told me she has no reason to hate me because i do everything for her. She is just mad because all the things he does with me should be done with her mother. She also talks to her grandmother about what is going on and her grandmother told her to grow up. Now my boyfriend talked to his mom and told her how i am with her and so on, she agreed it was all games from the step daughters part. Her dad explained that if she dont learn to grow up and accept me then she will lose in the end because he needs a life too. Now i keep telling my boyfriend its a phase she is going through and he keeps saying not to defend her. Now when she calls like 7times a day i dont bother asking him nothing all i ask is if she is ok. He told her to accept the fact that he loves me like he loves her and that i am not trying to come between them. Well thats a step in the right direction. He also told his mother that since he aint working and no money is coming in i spend my money to buy her calling cards to call her dad so her mom dont have to pay long distance and his mother said "oh she didnt tell me that" or "she didnt say it that way" Im glad in a way he is open up his eyes. I also overheard that he told his daughter you want me to leave her then i will but you will never see me because he will move back to toronto and never come see her. He said im the reason why he is still here and she still sees him. I hope things get better in her little mind to put it at ease that im not the bad guy. I still hope she decides to talk to a counsellor she needs to vent out all this rage. Siren ↑
|Name: pj754 | Date: Aug 25th, 2006 3:40 PM
|To Siren---I'm glad to hear that your boyfriend told her exactly what he thought. He's right, she does need to grow up. She is being ridiculous. There is no reason for her to act this way. Just keep telling her you love her but don't be so quick to bend over backwards for her unless you truly feel she is appreciating it. I get this with my own children. My daughter tries to manipulate me into buying her clothes and when I don't, she tells me she will ask her dad. I told her to go ahead and ask. Yes, granted, I understand she needs clothes especially if she's out grown them but I'm not going to jump through hoops just because she expects me to. I know her dad will tell her to have me purchase the clothes because he's paying child support. Yet, I'm trying to make my daughter understand that just because there is a little money in the bank doesn't mean I have to spend it all. My daughter can be quite pushy at times. She has trouble with the word, NO!! Oh, well, she will get over it. Sometimes she sounds like an auctioneer, I want, I want, I want. Kids are very crafty in their ideas. As parents, we have to try to always be one step ahead. |
Anyways, keep standing your ground and hopefully the girl will come around. I'm sure when she gets older, she will realize just how rude she has been. I'm sure she wouldn't appreicate one of her friends treating you and her dad the ways she does? So, hang in there and keep us posted. Take care. ↑
|Name: Siren | Date: Sep 2nd, 2006 5:42 AM
|Hi Everyone |
Well so far so good he is still trying to get is daughter to see that im not there to steal her daddy away. He keeps saying there is no reason for her to hate me. She keeps calling him every night and that gets on his nerves because they listen to each other breath over the phone. Im not thinking that its all good because this guy seems to change day by day. I accepted the fact that she hates me and decided that i will not buy her all the things i wanted too. I feel that if i start to buy her what she wants that is just using me. I decided with both of them that i will start thinking of me for once. I will finish my schooling which is coming up soon and get myself a good job and take things day by day. My boyfriend talks in the we mode and i just talk in the me mode because i think reality of this situation is that i will end up alone, while they end up together laughing at me on how much they used me. But for now all is well as can be. Thanks for your advice and i will hope to hear from you again ↑
|Name: Siren | Date: Sep 19th, 2006 11:50 AM
Here is the latest update. Lately my boyfriend been going to see his daughter every weekend, he use to stay the weekends with me well every second weekend because im off. I thought maybe its to show her that i am not taking him away from her, but anyway i dont say nothing when he does that. She is presently seeing a counsellor because she his having difficulties . I found out yesturday that she is to a point of sending emails to her father saying i love you and you just dont know how much i love you and no one loves you like i do. Now from the time we had her this summer i felt she was a little more then effactuated with her father. He is finally realizing it because with this email, he mentioned about seeing her less because something is up with her its not right. He says before he gets accused of molesting her or having sexual relations with her he will take time out. Now i was told this by someone he confided in and im not saying nothing to n o one but this person who told said i was right when i told them that the daughter is started to have sexual fantasies about her father. Well now all ill do is sit back and be the person watching through the window on the outside. Well hope to chat with you soon thought id keep you updated. ↑
|Name: girly29 | Date: Sep 19th, 2006 2:57 PM
|Siren, you poor girl...Believe it or not but you have an advantage over this girl...you said your finishing your schooling to become a social worker..I'm sure you've studied all about behaviour problems?|
I think your doing the right thing by stepping back, although I believe your boyfriend needs to be on the same page as you...Him giving his daughter your money is a no no, why would you want her to know it came from you? she won't like anymore or show appreciation for it. I think if he wants to give her money than he should work on giving his own..you sound like a great person and I think once she gets older she will realize this...
From the last posting it sounds like things are getting crazy..does your boyfriend talk to his daughter's counsellor? see how things are really going for her and has he dicussed her behaviour with her counsellor?..hang in there :) ↑
|Name: Siren | Date: Sep 20th, 2006 12:08 PM
|HI girly |
No he doesnt talk to the counsellor because she only went the once. I think she decided she didnt want to go and what she wants she gets the daughter that is. All i know is that i knew her feelings towards her dad ain't good the way she talks to him. I know its normal to love her dad but there is father daughter love then there is infactuation love. I want her to know im the one giving the money because to show her that if it wasnt for me in the picture that she wouldnt get all she asks for. She thinks its all her dad giving this to her so that makes her think my dad gives me all i want. It also makes her think that the more she gets from him the more i suffer which i dont. Thanks for thinking im a good person i like to think i am. Im the type of person that will give my shirt off my back to help those in need. Im the type that rather go without so no one does, but yet i seem to connect with losers. See i have been sitting back and looking at things without saying a work, he still hasnt told me about the email his daughter sent him, and i dont think he ever will. I hope things change because im so tired of this im actually at a point of just saying you leave and take care of your daughter its all she wants. FOr sor reason i feel that he will leave me because she wants that like i said most of the time she gets what she wants and if she pushes hard enough she will split us up. Ill keep you posted ↑
|Name: girly29 | Date: Sep 20th, 2006 1:23 PM
|Siren...good point you have!...The daughter runs the show!!!! and I think the father is allowing it to happen.Has he told you about the e-mail yet?|
I recently ran into slight complication with my boyfriends daughter and he continues to parent her and give her necessities, not that many extra's...She is not appreciative for the things we do for her... He and I are on the same page.....making it alot easier...
Give it some more time I think your boyfriend is starting to realize what she's up to....I understand it's hurtful to give to her and have her show no appreciation for any thing......And truly I only ever experienced one doze of rejection from my boyfreinds daughter...and it make you feel like throwing your hands up and walking out....Only, then your hurting your self and making her happy because your gone....(Unless you really think your with a loser and you could get better! Then I say go for it!).Maybe give yourself a little break from all the drama, go visit a friend for a couple nights..You need some thinking time.I feel so bad for you ..I wish I had more words to help you deal with the frustration :(......Hang in there and give it a little more time....your in a complicated situation, but not one that can't be fixed...it's just a matter of everyone wanting to fix it...including the daughter.....:) ↑
|Name: Siren | Date: Sep 20th, 2006 4:32 PM
|Hi girly |
I understand what your going through and i simpotize with you as well. I am giving it time but if changes arent being made why should i do all for them in order to be steped on i think that i need to feel important too not just there because they need things from me. I think by giving it time it will be my test to see what they really want from me. I am not allowing myself to get manipulated no more ive done that in the past with one of my ex's an why should i keep the same pattern. I remember with the ex when i took care of the whole damn family, and i was the one working the two jobs and them not working and not h elping at all at h ome, I got tired and left him. I will not allow anyone to exploit me anymore. I thaught i deserved this but you know what im a better person then that and i finally realize why should i settle for less. I will give it time and i will see what happens and i will not let the daughter do this to me she dont like me so be it, but i will not give to her no more why should i she dont like me right. He can fend for her work pay all she needs and so on so forth. I did nothing wrong to this kid and what i dont understand is after 5 years of being with her dad why now why hate me now. Oh well you know what if i do leave its their loss and if i dont leave well its the daughters. Because now when i talk about doing something its me and him she is excluded out of the picture. After all i can only take so much. I hope your situation gets better. Beleive me i do understand what your going through hang in there. Keep in mind kids do leave their dad's as they get older . Talk to you soon ↑
|Name: pj754 | Date: Sep 22nd, 2006 1:54 PM
|Hi Siren---You hit the nail right on the head!!!! You are the outsider looking in. You can see the whole picture as to what's going on but the people inside are not catching on. You do need to stand your ground. You are too generous of a person to be constantly stepped on. Yes, you do need to decide just how much more of this drama you can put up with. If this stuff continues, I would seriously re-think your relationship with your boyfriend. It sounds like the daughter is always going to be a constant thorn in your side. She really has issues going on inside of her and needs serious help. Especially, when she is becoming very affectionate with her father the way she is. That's not right. Perhaps she is trying to set her father up for a serious fall. That is something I don't think I would want to be in the middle of. Siren, you sound like a very smart and loving woman. You deserve better. You shouldn't have to put up with this kind of behaviour from anyone. You are very independent and everyone seems to be taking advantage of you. Girlfriend, you need to start making some strong serious decisions with this. I know it hurts, you love your boyfriend dearly but expecting you to foot the bill for most of his daughter's needs is really not your responsibility. You should be saving your money for your future. Perhaps you will meet someone else, who will treat you with the utmost respect. You deserve it and should have it. You are in control and they are trying to run you down. My husband told me this saying, "I would rather be alone for the right reasons than with someone for the wrong!" You are still young and have a whole lot of life ahead of you to not throw it away on unrealiable people. It sounds like the daughter will never come around. You didn't do anything to her, it's her spoiled attitude that is getting away with things. As for your boyfriend, not telling you about the email, he's keeping secrets from you. Why wouldn't he confide in you about his daughter? He should if your his partner, who shares everything with him. I'm sorry if I sound harsh with my words but I just don't want to see you stepped on or hurt. You are too kind of person, who doesn't deserve this. Start focusing more on your work, school and close friends. Start hanging out with them more often. Perhaps you will meet a sincere man of your dreams. They are out there it just takes a lot of patience to find one. Please understand that I'm not judging you for sticking by your man. Your like me, you will continue to give people the benefit of the doubt. I used to have a lot of friends(well, more like acquaintances) before my divorce. Once I started the divorce process, I found out who my true friends were. Let me tell ya, not a one. I was good enough for them to dump all their problems on me but they never gave me the same consideration in return. Partly because my ex had gone to everyone to bad mouth me which they all ended up siding with him. This was a big eye opener for me. It's very hard to trust anyone. Today, I have very few friends because I won't allow myself to be taken advantage of in such a way anymore. I'm sure you have alot of friends, who stand behind you 100%. Those are the friends to hold on to. Please remember, I will stand by you and listen to what ever you want to talk about no matter what. You are too kind to let go of a good friendship. Thanks for being you. I hope things will get better for you. You deserve a happy life. Keep us posted. ↑|
|Name: Siren | Date: Sep 25th, 2006 1:23 PM
Thanks for your kind words yes i know i give everyone the benefit of the doubt. I need to learn that not everyone as good in them. I went through so much in the last five years from leaving an abusive relationship to entering into this one with nothing but problems. I remember when my boyfriend was out of town for work and when he called me he was so sure i would find someone else he kepted telling me he will wait for that one phone call saying he is history. I then talked to his friend and he told me he saw my boyfriend get burnt so many times that its instant with him now. I should of told him that i didnt burn him he burnt me when he cheated on me, but i forgave him for that but never forgot, it bothers me so much the trust aint there anymore . I work full time and trying to finish my schooling which aint going well because the health isnt there also. I have to redo 3 courses but im so use to bad luck that all i could say was oh well lets start this over. Yes i know that my relationship is not the best and yes i could find another man that will treat me right. I have another guy interested in me but all i can think of is why and what does he want with me to use me too, they all did. My ex was abusive in every way but physical, and out of all that my kindness took his family in when his brother seperated, then his sister when she seperated, then his nephew when he was kicked out of where he was living. I worked 3 jobs and had to come home to cooking, cleaning, and so on, while they were at home doing nothing but play on the computer. I got out of that. Now look at me not doing any better still being abuse but not physically, and still i love him dearly. As for the daughter when she calls i give her dad the phone i dont bother asking her how she is doing or anything. The whole secret about the email dont bother me either cuz i really dont want to hear about anything on her part. I do feel bad that its come to this but why should i be the nice guy and be steped on by her all the time. She dont like me why should i go out of my way for her right. All i do now is take life a day at a time nothing more. I use to look at the future but now i dont. I know that my relationship will desolve after awhile i see it but like i said one day at a time. I keep hoping that one day someone will come along and sweep me off my feet and give me a better life, but for now i do what i have to. I cant make the daughter like me, but in return i dont have to deal with her either. Her grandmother told her to grow up she noticed that since her son been with me that they are well treated and finally she is coming around a little. Well i will keep you posted . Take care and talk to you soon ↑
|Name: pj754 | Date: Sep 29th, 2006 1:03 PM
|Hi Siren--You are right, you do have to take one day at a time. It's hard. Your right about the daughter, if she wants to be rude to you, you don't have to do kind things for her in return. Sounds like she has alot more going on inside of her that she can't or don't know how to handle. Mostly to manipulate in getting her way. Do ever wonder where they learn how to do this? It's like they have taken a 12 step class on how to learn to manipulate. This just boggles my mind. Anyways, you are a sweet person and your day will shine. It's good to here you have plans and just haven't given up any hope. I hope things turn for the better. At least we can hope, right??? I'm glad to here how things are going. I will talk at ya soon. ↑|
|Name: pj754 | Date: Sep 30th, 2006 3:02 AM
|Oh my dearest Siren---This man is playing games with you again. He is trying hard to see just how much you love him. Honey, let him go to his job just to see what happens. I know you love him and even though he may get a good job, that's great but see just how it all turns out. Tell him you are very happy that he's found something he can make money at. He needs a good job, you and I both know this. Be supportive of this. If he truly loves you, he will make things work between the two of you with all the travel time. This is his test, Siren. You need to find out for sure if he will go the extra mile for you. Hon, this is very important to you. You need to find out if he will be a helpful provider or will he always expect it to be on your shoulders?? No offense but if it's always going to be on your shoulders than you need to run the show on your own. I know you love him but you have to look at your future. You can't always give in and be the supportive party without something in return. I'm only telling you this because I was very naiive when I was younger and wished someone explained it all to me. Siren, I know you want to help him as much as you can. Hon, I've been there and done this. You sound so young to me and I just want to prepare you for your future. Please understand my conern for you. He just doesn't seem very responsible to me. However, let him go to his job and see what happens. If he doesn't stick it out then you know he's not willing to dedicate himself to something that should be very important to any of his family members that he plans to spend the rest of his life with. Hon, he has to be willing to put forth alot of effort in you and his daughter. Yes, this job will put some distance between the two of you but if it's to make ends meet than look at the positive sideds. Yes, you will have the thought of him cheating on you, I would, too. Just remember, if he does, you know exactly where you stand in his eyes. Perhaps you may not find out about his actions right away but Siren, you will be able to tell by the way he interacts with you. Your heart will tell you so. If you are unsure, vent to us here and we will explain the signs we've gone through. I feel like you are one of my own and I want so desperately to see you happy but I just can't help to feel some doubt with this fella. I'm sorry, I care about you deeply and want what's best for you. I know you are a grown adult, who can make her own decisions but this man has ran you down the railroad one too many times in my eyes. Please keep me posted, perhaps he will change for the better as I hope for your sake. As for the daughter, well, she's her dad's problem and not yours for now. Put your foot down and stop helping to provide for her until she comes around. In fact, my son this evening asked me to purchase him a $30 bebe gun. I explained to him that he made the comment that all I wanted him was for money and I was just like my mother. Then, I said I haven't forgotten the terrible things he has said to me. Well, he ended up putting the gun back on the shelf and only ask me for a pack of gum which I bought. I am not going to reward him for his bad behavior. He may think that because I do get child support from his father but what he fails to realize is I have an electric bil that helps to run his playstation and T.V. So, if I want, I don't have to give him those privledges of using such items. Come to find out, he's been staying up late at night when I go to bed to play playstation. This explains why he doesn't want to get up in the morning. My solution to all of this is to go to the fuse box and flip the power off to his bedroom . Therefore, he has no electicity to his room late at night. Now, my 7 year old, who rooms in the same room as my 13 year old, will get a good nights sleep because all electrical power is off to their room. See, my little 13 year old stinker thinks he's smart because his father coaches him in what to do. Well, I have to be two steps ahead of his game. |
Anyways, Siren, I want you to be completely happy with your boyfriend. I know you love him and you show so much patience and love. You just aren't getting in return which concerns me. I feel I owe you my thoughts because I was so young when I got married and wished I hadn't. I wished my mother was in my life to help me through tough situations. I'm sorry if I do sound like a mother hen to you, believe me, my intensions are sincere to you. Your qualities need to be highlighted by someone, who really appreciates them. I do hope your man will see exactly the person you are and is willing to work his butt off for you and his daughter. Please keep me posted and I enjoy talking with you. You take care and work hard with your schooling. That is very important. Take care with lots of hugs. ↑
|Name: Siren | Date: Oct 3rd, 2006 3:33 AM
Well the boyfriend got his job and left on sunday. He went to see the daughter before he left but didnt spend much time with her said that he isnt missing her at all because of her attitude. Meanwhile his friend called here from the town he moved to to see if he left already. We ended up talking for awhile he told me that my boyfriend confided in him that he is having feelings he never had before and that it scared him, that he is mean to me because he is depressed because he has no job and cant provide for himself. He also told me that my boyfriend daughter called him to talk to him and did say she hated me but the reason is that she loves me but seeing that her dad keeps saying he is leaving me when we argue scares her dearly so she dont want to get too attached. She is scared because she is being loved by me. I also learned that the kid was never showed love from her mother. The mother had the baby blues and kept tossing her aside that my boyfriend had to bring her to work and so on. My boyfriend friend also told me that the daughter needs a rude awakening because she is being a little bitch. He told me not to give up on my boyfriend because he truly does love me but he is scared because the feelings are all new to him. He knows i love my boyfriend and he actually told me that i have a soft soul. He sees how much ican love and care for someone but all he can do is be the watcher and hope to talk some sense into my boyfriend. He kepted saying i have a gently soul i know i do but the soul is being put to a dangerous test lately. My friends keep telling me to leave him because im too good to be hurting the way that i am. I need not to be the one crying i should be happy in my life. Even though i am 36 my soul can be hurt as much as a 15year old. I was told to stop giving and start thinking of myself but when i do that i feel i am so selfish. I keep second guessing myself of what im trying to study . I keep thinking i will not make a good social worker, but others keep saying ill be in the right profession. If i cant fix what is wrong with me how can i help others. I guess when your in the situation its different. I know i give my heart too freely, but lately ive been putting up walls to protect it. My parents gave me the option to either stay here with them or go with my boyfriend after schooling is done. All i can think is am i going to make the right decision im scared but i do love him. How should i go about doing this if you know please tell me i do value your opinion
|Name: pj754 | Date: Oct 3rd, 2006 8:30 PM
|Hi Siren--Well, first focus on your schooling. You would make a good social worker because of the heart you have. You won't give up on people and believe of not, other people do need someone like you. Just because your life is upside down doesn't mean you still can't help others because you can. Since, you are single, getting your degree is a lot easier than if you were tied down with a husband and children but that can be done, too. Get your degree for yourself. Do it all for yourself. It will give you a great sense of accomplishment and you will feel so much reward from it. Once you are finished, you will be very thankful that you stuck with it. As for the boyfriend, I truly understand how much you care about him. You see something in him that no one else sees or he doesn't see in himself. I, too, did the same thing with my husband now. Other people (mostly my family) told me to dump him and move on. Yet, there was always a different side to him when we were together. My heart could feel it. Trust your heart. We are like night and day but for some odd reason, we compliment each other. He has come a long way than when I first met him. He was 33, single, no children and had the life of freedom. For him to change for a divorced woman with 3 children was a big hurdle for him. The best part was he changed all on his own. I didn't have to do a thing but to just love him. You can love your boyfriend, too. Explain to him that you truly want to finish your schooling but still keep up the communication with him. Perhaps the two of you can purchase nextel/sprint walkie talkie phones so you can communicate as often as you like. My husband and I have them and they are excellent communication devices. When he's working and gets a free moment, we talk to each other even if it's just for a minute. Plus they have nights and weekends free with unlimited direct connect--which you are not using up all your minutes. Although, have him get his own phone. Don't commit to a contract for him in case things just don't work out. He sounds like he really cares about you, too. Obviously, he's never had the love like you give him. He's feeling guilty about not having a job shows me he's wanting to provide for the people he loves the best way he can. Encourage him as much as possible with his job and tell him not to give up. Good things will come with patience. As for the daughter, this explains alot of her feelings towards you. She's very much afraid to love you whole heartly for fear she will get hurt by you like her own mother has done. I, too, was in the same boat as she was in. Always, afraid of letting someone get close to me because I've been hurt so many times even by the ones I loved the most. My husband sees this in me. Yet, I'm getting better at handling this because I strongly feel he won't let me down. Perhaps, you can just send the daughter cards here and there. Just let her know you care about her. Perhaps you could request that the two of you go bowling or out for pizza. Her goal was to push you away and she was hoping she would be very successful at it. Just ask her how school's going, has she met any new friends, does she go out for sports, etc.... Keep the conversation general but about her. Expound on the things she's interested in. Also, send your boyfriend cards or love notes, too. He will appreciate them. If you two can set up times to get together once or twice a month, go out for dinner, movies, rent movies, you know the fun stuff like you do when your dating. Bring back the romance in your relationship. Do silly stuff with him, like try to make him laugh, tickle him, act really squirrely. I do this with my husband and he tells me he's never been with someone, who is so much fun. Try to sound very positive when you speak with him. If you don't want to give up on him, then don't. You have to give the change sometime to adjust. Overtime, you will know for sure if you have made the right choices. Yet, first, focus on your school. I don't know if what I said made any sense, but I do understand what you've said. The decisions you have to make are not easy. Yet, you will do just fine. Remember to focus on the positive. If, I think of anything else, I'll let you know because I had to type this quick. You are a good person and don't second guess yourself. That's negative thinking---quit that!!! Get a good nights sleep because tomorrow is always a new day. ↑|
|Name: Siren | Date: Oct 7th, 2006 4:16 AM
Well its been a whole week and my boyfriend decided to come down and see me. He also mentioned on our phone calls that he will be down every other weekend to see me and his daughter of course. I get really lonely when he is gone , my heart just brakes. I do understand the importance of him working and making money and so on so forth. I accepted the fact that he needs this job and all and that eventually i will finish my school and then go move in with him. Tonight he called me at work to let me know he was just leaving to come here but i found it late because it was like 11pm and its an 8hour drive. I do worry about him so much when he is on the road because of the chances of him falling asleep on the wheel and so on so forth. I told him it that he was leaving late and he told me an incident that happend at work. His boss was working with him and put drugs in his lunchbox and guess what happen the cops stoped them and found the drugs. So it took two cops to hold him back from killing his boss. The boss finally admited that it was his and they busted his place, only to find more drugs now all is seized. Now my boyfriend truck was parked at the bosses and he had to prove that it was his truck and not the bosses. Now he has no job because all is seized. But he did tell me there is another company hiring so he will go see them. Meanwhile he cant work in this town because his ex boss is dragging his name through the mud. So he will go see the other company and hope to get a job there. I was really looking forward to moving in with him but i guess that will be put on hold. I hope he gets the other job because i cant keep supporting him with my little job. Well ill let you know what goes on when i find out more. I thoght that this week he was kind of cold towards me i did tell him i was scared and he asked me of what i told him of him not needing me no more cuz he has a job now and that he will find someone else to replace me. He told me that my thinking is making me sick that he told me he aint down there to find anyone else that he is there to work. Also when he left he said that he really dont want to go but he needs the work. I just dont trust easy now. He cheated on me before and i sort of build this wall around my heart. but not a big one cuz i get hurt alot still. Well hope to talk to you soon. I feel we have quite a connection going and i always look forward to your opinion. ↑