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Name: js
[ Original Post ]
I have put this in to another category because I'm not sure where this should go.
This may be an odd question coming from the maternal gramma. My daughter and her ex boyfriend have a 4 year old son. I know they both love him and that isn't the problem. I'm not jealous, but just concerned about my grandson. The childs dad started dating his new girlfriend about 7 months ago, they moved in together about 4 months ago and say they are getting married this summer. When our grandson goes for visitation, he stays with his dad at the girlfriends house, she has 2 little girls about the same age as our grandson. The other day when the dad brought his son back to his mother's home, the son told his mom that his dad told him it is ok to call his new girlfriend "mommy". My daughter is heartsick over this and so are we. We feel that this is emotional/mental abuse to our little grandson. My daughter told him that daddy was wrong and he should call her by her name, not mommy as mommy was a special name for her. She doesn't want to dwell on it with him as she doesn't want to cause more problems for her son. We think that this will cause our grandson to feel like he is betraying his mother if he calls the girlfriend mommy, but if he doesn't we are afraid his father will continue to tell him to call her mommy so he will feel he is betraying his dad if he doesn't. We also feel that if he doesn't call her mommy she will ignore him until he does. We feel this is emotional/mental abuse to our grandson. How do we handle this? Our daughter talked to the dad about this and he told her she was the one causing the son emotional abuse by her talking to him about it. (he turns everything back on to her) She asked him how he would feel if she had their son calling her boyfriend daddy and he got mad and yelled at her and told her that will never happen. And it won't, not because he said so, but because my daughter would not do that to her son, as it would be him who would feel pain and be uncomfortable over that. Our daughter also talked to the other grandma and she thinks this is perfectly fine for him to call her mommy. We feel this is wrong and not fair to our grandson and our daughter. They aren't even married and they are doing this to our grandson. If they were married and she has been in his life for years, it would even be different. Please give us some idea and advice on how to handle this. Thank you very much
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Name: pattyl | Date: Apr 7th, 2007 3:11 PM
It made me very angry to think what those people are doing to that kid. First of all you need to know that I have 4 steps and they have always called me by my first name. In fact, when we met they asked me what I wanted to be called and I said well, how about Patty since that is my name. You can only have 1 mother and that can never change.

I think the child needs to tell his BD and the GF that he does not feel comfortable with calling her mommy and why. If heís 4 he should be able to voice his opinion. He should tell them that he will call her anything, but mommy. Nana?

The reality of the life style of the kds growing up today is very painful. We donít know how may SMís the little guy is going to have so why sugar coat it? This would definitely be one time that I would not give in. After all, what is more scared than the relationship between a mother and child? 

Name: js | Date: Apr 7th, 2007 3:20 PM
Thank you, that is a good idea, maybe my daughter can suggest a nickname instead of mommy, like you said, nana. I can tell her that. I just don't want them intimidating him into calling her mommy, who knows, she may not even be his mom. They aren't even married as yet. 

Name: js | Date: Apr 7th, 2007 3:22 PM
Oops, I didn't mean his "real mom", I meant to say his stepmom in my last reply. Wouldn't my daughter love to read that!! :-( 

Name: Lory | Date: Apr 7th, 2007 3:48 PM
Hello js, I'm a SM to (3) children myself. I 100% agree w/pattyl. I have been w/hubby for 13 yrs. ....they have never called me anything but Lory....or step-monster! j/k LOL! Yes, you can only have 1 mother. Hope things work out for all! 

Name: js | Date: Apr 16th, 2007 6:46 PM
Thanks Lory, too bad my daughter's ex boyfriend and his girlfriend don't have your common sence. They seem to be out to "get" her. It is just an on going struggle, if not this, then support or custody problems. Thanks for listening. 

Name: Lizzi | Date: Apr 17th, 2007 4:41 PM
What a load of crap! No,there is NO WAY on Gods green earth I would allow MY son to EVER call another woman MOM!!! NO WAY!!!! This is WRONG and your daughter needs to do something about it. Has she tried talking to the "girlfriend" herself? She could ask the girlfriend how she would like it if her kids called another woman mommy. Chances are if she speaks truthfully,she wouldn't allow it either! 


Name: Rayon | Date: May 16th, 2007 8:13 PM
Hi, I just had the pleasure of the same issue, my 4 year old son stated that his Dad told him he has 2 Moms of coarse this was a very hurtful shock to me. He's dad has been in three diffrent relationships in between us getting back together over and over again for 5 years everytime something went wrong with the other women or wife-exwife. See within 3 years now my baby daddy has been married twice, now with the second one which he only knew both of them for about 5 months before he married them, yet every time he trys to teach my son to call them MOM. First when he was 2 which he was very confused, now that he is 4. I have a big promblem with all of this due to he has had so many women in and out of my baby's life he can name them all at his age. They come and go so fast his Dad normally had the women move in with him, but he moved in this one this time I have never meet her don't want to, because it's always someone he cheated on me with anyway. I do agree that once a child is older enough to decide if he was to call the other person mom or dad is there choice, me personnally I perfer it if I there was NOT A STRONG MOM IN THERE LIFE AND DEAD! I sent his Dad a text informing him this was wrong, it came as a shock to me. I told my baby he only has one mom not two he's only been around her for a few months his Dad really don't know who she is let along my son or I, Yes, I'm very angry I don't believe he is old enough to have to be confienced to call another women mom, true he knows who I'm without a doubt. Understand I carried this child alone for six months without any help from his father even now I do 98.99% of the financial in his live, his father keeps him 3 1/2 hours everyday except friday after school and every other weekend or drops him off with his uncle and doesn't see him at all. I pay his school when I ask him to help he states you know my money problem. I don't care it's two of them and one of me doing it alone with no help. He bought or should I say maybe she did buy him a couple of outfitts, but everytime he goes over there on the weekend I never get his nice clothes back, not even when I ask I pay the doctor bills I pay his insurance I buy his shoes everything. If I could take the title of DADDY FROM HIM I WOULD, let along him calling her Mommy it will not happen unless he is older and decides this and with my baby daddy record she is good if she last a year. OH yes he did text me back I deleted it with out reading, because all he says is negative things to me that I'm crazy on crack anything he can think of I don't drink don't do durgs. If you think about it I think he has a problem. Word to the wise chose your baby father wisely. Answer to the question no he can not call her Mother only me until he decides different on his on and he is a teenager. And he knows the difference untill she takes on the roll and the stibiltly for my sons life to be cared for and what it takes fully then only can she be call this other then that I'm MOM MOMMY . 

Name: Serina S | Date: May 17th, 2007 3:11 PM
Maybe they can call her Mommy______what ever her first name is . My step kids some times call me Mom & some times Serina Mommy or Serina . Told them it was up to them but they were 7 & 6 then.
You said they were getting married. So it is easier for them to call her what they want now instead of changing it..that is more confusing for them.
Re the if he has a problem withthe kids calling a person DAd they he should not allow the kids to call her mom...BUT it really is not about the adults they are not saying they HVE to call her Mom yousaid they said that it was Ok for them to call her mMom .Again leaving it up to the kids and ther comfort not the adults. The Kids are not stupid they know how the birht Mother is.
It should be about the kids and only the kids.. Just my 2 cents.
Wish you all the luck ..but if I were you I would domy best to stay out of it. 

Name: Serina S | Date: May 17th, 2007 3:12 PM
Oh Ibumped a few post that were about this too 

Name: Rayon | Date: May 17th, 2007 5:43 PM
I believe it's about the kids when there old enough to understand on there on and not being coached by dad or mom to do so when naturally on call there biological mother mom. At a young age it is confusing especially for a child that has a real mother that holds shows them that love and is always there, I just feel very protective over my son due to the father only uses him in his live with his women to make them feel more apart of his life and when there gone the same women he claimed loved the kids they never here from them again. So think deeply when responding to this heartfelt issue, before making an opinion. 

Name: Serina S | Date: May 17th, 2007 5:54 PM
Well I do not think it is harmful to the kids and ya cannot say hey now that your older you can call me Mom or Dad.
It usuallt stays as in once you set it up it stays that way .
I have read so much...may be to much LOL.
Most Drs say to let the child decide 3 and up (They say it does not confuse because they know how gave birth ans is the Bio Mom)..up to them younger both sets of parents should decide what ever is best ..
I know this is such a touchy subject ... 

Name: Serina S | Date: May 17th, 2007 5:59 PM
I only think that the kids should see a girl\boyfriend untill they are heading toward marriage..or becomes a very long term relationship ..this hurts the kids more then what the other person is call ..It make them feel unsafe and un stable Not good for the child at all.
Some Drs say you should not even date until the kids are off in college ..( not realistic to me) BUT!!! Kep your romanic life awya from the kids You can even take the party to court if the child is subjected to all the people ( dates) in and out of the childs life ..
Bad for sure for the kids. 

Name: Serina S | Date: May 17th, 2007 7:58 PM
Sorry Should NOT
I only think that the kids should NOT see a girl\boyfriend untill they are heading toward marriage 

Name: Missy | Date: Jun 12th, 2007 5:31 PM
I am going through the same thing, but it has to do with my Daugther. It is horrible how parents tend to bain wash their kids, when they have no clue with "step-parent" means. Why can't they just let them be, let kids worry about fun stuff like , which toy they are going to play with, instead of drilling their heads with mental abuse. It's not fair. 

Name: sad mommy | Date: Jun 29th, 2007 11:37 AM
I am going through this right now! My heart is broken !! My daughter's father informed me that MY daughter calls his g/f mommy whenever she is with them. I think it is WRONG!!! You only have ONE mom. I have been there since day one, no one else has. This woman has been around for 6 months and she is worthy of my daughter calling her "mommy". I don't think so. I am so heartsick I have been crying ever since I was told. I don't know how to act towards my own child now!! I feel as if my heart has been ripped right out of my chest and stepped on and smashed. Everything in my life I have done to give my daughter a better life, now I feel as if I do not have a purpose. Can someone please help!! I just don't know what to do or how to act now!! 

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