Hello, guest
Name: seperated mom
[ Original Post ]
I am 29 yrs old and I've been married for 11 yrs. My husband first came to me and confessed that he had cheated on me 5 yrs ago. At that time, I was about 8 months pregnant with our 3rd child. I decided at the time to try to make things work, but after giving birth, things only got worse. He liked to go out and drink with his friends at the local bar. We were using condoms while I breastfed our daughter, and had one break. So I soon found out that I was pregnant again. He only got worse with his behavior, and I was so depressed, but I took care of myself, and our growing family. When the baby was 2, he sat me down and confessed to me that he had cheated with alot of women during the past 3 years of our marriage. I had suspected this, but to hear it from his mouth was a crushing blow. I told him that we would divorce, but we only seperated for a short time. He convinced me that he would change, and that we would be happy if I would give him another chance. I saw a change in him, and gave him that chance. 2 yrs later, he began to pull away from the relationship, and wanted to spend time with 'his buddies' again. I knew he was cheating, and confronted him. He confessed, and I kicked him out. He went to live with this ho, but soon found out that she was nothing but a lying slut. He came back, but I couldn't trust him. I was constantly checking up on him. One day, I checked our cell phone account online and found out that he had still been talking to the slut. With my family's help, I moved myself, and my 4 kids 500 miles away............closer to my sister and my aunt and uncle. I've been on my own for 5 months now. I was scared but optimistic about the future in the beginning. It was exciting being in a new place, and doing new things. But now, I am lonely for companionship, and feel like I will never meet anyone who wants to be with a mother of 4 kids. I am 5'4 blonde/blue eyes and 110 lbs. I take care of my body. Most people think I am a teenager babysitting for my own children. But I am scared of being alone for rest of my life. I miss my husband, and long for the good times we had. He started begging me to come back about a month after we moved. He still begs me to come back. I've never seen him like this before. He looks at me like I'm the most beautiful thing he's ever seen. He sings to me and kisses my hand. He spends $ on the kids and always sends child support on time. He says he wants nothing else in this world, but to spend the rest of his life with me and the kids. He realizes that there is nothing out there for him, and that he has nothing left but a bunch of memories. But I am scared to let him come back. I'm scared of getting burned again. We kiss and hold eachother when we meet half-way everyother weekend. I do it because I miss him, and a part of me wants to get back with him. We built a life together and had 4 kids who need their dad. I feel so conflicted and scared to make a decision either way. Please help me and give me some sort of advice. I need to either take him back or continue to finalize our divorce. I can't live with this indecision, and neither can he. I feel like I'm on the high dive for the first time, and scared to jump off. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Name: Julie | Date: Jan 17th, 2006 11:51 PM
If you can come to terms with the fact that he is a cheater, and will always cheat, then take him back. Some partners accept this 'character flaw'. If you expect him to change, proceed with the divorce. 

Name: seperated mom | Date: Jan 18th, 2006 6:32 AM
Thanks for replying, Julie. That's my daughter's name. Even if I am not able to bring myself to get back with him, I don't know what to do to about the kids. They need more interaction with him than every other weekend, but we live so far apart. I feel like moving so far away was maybe a mistake, but i needed to be closer to my family for support. 

Name: Julie | Date: Jan 18th, 2006 5:06 PM
I co-parent with my ex-husband, so I can appreciate what you are saying about keeping the connection active with their father. In the majority of cases nurturing access should be a top priority for the children's sake (which is probably true in your case, unless he is abusive toward the kids). While seeing him every other weekend isn't what your kids are accustomed to, it might be in their best interest (along with one or two week long periods of access during holidays throughout the year, unlimited telephone calls and web-cam access). I say this because there are the needs of your children and yourself to weigh. Your kids will learn far more than you might expect about 'grown-up relationships' through watching what takes place between you and your partner. If you stay with your husband and they see their father treating you in a disrespectful, hurtful manner, then the fights or arguements that ensue, and you putting up with it by taking him back, they will learn that this is 'normal' behaviour and may grow up to treat their partners in the same way. By separating yourself from this type of situation you will teach them that this behaviour is not normal and is not acceptable. When the time comes that you introduce a new healthy relationship to them, they may set a new relationship standard that is healthy, egalitarian and respectful. In the end you may be happier, your children's relationship ideals healthier, and their relationship with their father intact. I think that your moving closer to your family support group is a great decision. Do what you can to provide access, ensuring that half the onus in on him to make arrangements. Stay strong and remember that there are a lot of great men out there who will treat you - and your children with the respect you all deserve. 

Name: camille | Date: Jan 31st, 2006 8:27 PM
dear person,
once a girlfriend of mine said to me , once a cheater will allways be cheater...and i know it from my bf he did flirt w everybody possible even w my gfriends..what u need to decide is this what u want for your life.he wont probably change but you can accept and live w it and try to be happy.the minute things go down for him he will do again.
wish u the best 

Name: MIKE | Date: Feb 2nd, 2006 1:42 PM
I agree with camille's friend he is never going to stop cheating on you. I can assure you there is someone out there for you and will accept you for who you are you sound like a very loving person. 

Name: Agnes | Date: Feb 5th, 2006 2:52 AM
Tell him he gets one last chance, and you do mean last. Let him know upfront and in plain language...in a loving way...that you want him back, too, but you won't anymore if he doesn't walk a straight line from here on out. Then, make yourself forget the past and honestly give him that one try. If he messes up again, you can assume that he always will...that's when you walk away for good. 

Name: Julie | Date: Feb 5th, 2006 7:24 PM
Regarding Agnes' suggestion...
If I'm not mistaken, you've already given him the ultimatum to change...a few times. He hasn't yet. He won't. Accept him as the cheater he is and live with it, or move on. Sorry sweetie, reality is it's a pattern. The odds are low that he'll break the cycle. 

Name: sad and losing hope | Date: Mar 21st, 2006 11:47 PM
hi im a 12 year old girl who is feeling like her life has gone to shreds. my mom is divorcing my step dad here is the bad news they married my mom had me and my sister and my step dad had three children and they cant get alone and i dont want to be split and torn and lose the people whom i love i have grown attached to my new little brother please dont do it try hrader my advice is:DONT GIVE UP ON SOMONE YOU CANT GO A DAY WITHOUT THINKING ABOUT. DONT DO WHAT I HAVE TO GO THORGH IM LOSING HOPE 

Name: sonia | Date: Mar 22nd, 2006 3:28 AM
If you decide to try and make it work get some counceling. 

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