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Name: girli_bird
[ Original Post ]
some times I hate hate my husband, as does he hate me. we have been together for 5 years, and things are getting worse and worse. I don't want to stay in a relationship like this but I don't really want a divorce either. But after are last fight ( i went out 2 nights in a row when I Graduated and he didn't even go to my gradation) he swears that we are going to get a divorce becuase he doesn't want a wife that goes out all the time. (which I don't go out any more than he does, neither one of us goes out much) He took of his wedding ring and already told my mom and some of his family that we are going to get a divorce. Every time that we have gotten into a big fight like this, I am the one who has to beg to stay together or we get intimate, and things are ok until our next fight. But this time he told me that If we end up having sex before he "sheds" me that it isn't becuase he cares or wants to get back together ,its just becuase hes needing some. He also told me that he is free to start sleeping with other people at any time.so of corse i haven't sleep with him but he has tried. I don't know if hes just wanting me to beg him to work things out or if hes serious. I don't know if I want to be with some one that just wants to deal with me. We have never been to any type of Counseling should i try this before we get a divorce or is it already ro late. I am so scard to start over I have nothing and I really don't like change. I know marriage isn't perfect but I don't know how much fighting is normal. We fight a lot, say mean things to each other and it has gotten violent several times. I scratch him when he is picking at me like tickling or holding me down( he says hes playing but I think that he likes being in cotrole) And he gets violent by choaking or pushing me when I have said something that has made him mad or i've thrown something at him after he has taunted me repeatedly like calling me lazy and stupid and a bad mom. its no exscuse for my violence, but after he keeps it up and keeps it up after I have asked him to stop I just don;t know what to do. Is there any hope after things have gone this far.And if its to late where do I even start.
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Name: patty | Date: Jul 9th, 2007 12:53 PM
You said that you graduated, but you didn't say if it was HS or college. If you graduated college you can easily make it on your own. This is not a good situation and it will probably get worse. Is this the way that you want to live? Always remember a person can go to far with violence and then its too late. 

Name: mizzescalante | Date: Jul 9th, 2007 5:16 PM
also quit wearing your ring its only fair. 

Name: mizzescalante | Date: Jul 9th, 2007 5:21 PM
Using Reverse Psychology

The underlying principle here is agreeing with her objection by taking the same position as her. It also evokes the scarcity principle and it makes her run after you like a moth to a flame.

This is what you do...

Her: "I just want to be friends."
You: "That is exactly what I was thinking and was going to suggest it myself. I think you and I would be better off as friends anyway."

Her: "I am not ready to make love."
You: "Now that you mention it neither am I. I think we should wait and really get to know each before we even consider having sex and just cuddle."

Her: "You cannot come upstairs."
You: "Now that you mention it, I am tired and really do not want to come up. If I was to come upstairs with you I could only stay for 10 minutes and then leave."

Her: "I am tired and I want you to take me home."
You: "Yes, you look tired and it's better I do that. I am tired myself and want to go home as well."

Her: "I have a bf/husband/no time/busy/pet died/not my type."
You: "Well I was just thinking that you seem interesting. I too have a gf/wife/no time/am busy/pet died/not my type and thought we could be just friends. I think you are a little too presumptuous about my interest in you here. If you cannot have a casual coffee with me then you can leave now." 

Name: girli_bird | Date: Jul 9th, 2007 5:46 PM
I graduated from college, but I don't have any money saved up to put down deposits on anything. Another reason I don't take off my ring is becuase I hate people knowing my personal Business( well exsept on here becuase know one knows who I am) I don't want people to ask why I haven't been wearing my ring, or what happened to us becuase every one just "loves us" I am sure that he is tellin people that we are getting a divorce becuase I want to live thing single life, which makes me look so bad. But if I tell every one that we are also getting one because he is controlling and abusive, I know that will start a war.So i am not planning on telling any one. I am very shy and quite, he is very friendly and out going, every one always tells me how lucky I am to have him, and what a good dad or husband he is. Needles to say unless I start saying stuff about him (which I don't want to) he is going to end up looking like the victim and every one is going to feel sorry for him, and it is going to be hard for me to live in this small town where evry one already loves him. So I just want to keep it under raps and then leave. I don't know maybe thats not the right choice. I really don't know what i should do, I hust want to make it easiest on evrey one. 

Name: mizzescalante | Date: Jul 9th, 2007 6:42 PM
well first of all i would never make him out to be the good one. everyone deserves to know the truth. but thats just me. like i said if its not going to work dont suffer any longer. its hard but you will find support and people that will help you. do you have children? 

Name: mizzescalante | Date: Jul 9th, 2007 7:44 PM
read this it might help

http://www.cnn.com/2007/LIVING/
personal/06/29/stay.or.go/index.htm
l
 


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