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Name: Lesli
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Name: Ashley | Date: Nov 25th, 2007 9:44 PM
Are you in sane? Are you kidding me? How could you even be considering if this is a problem? This is more than a problem, this is run while you stilll can. It's time for you to come up with a plan to leave in the next month. What is his part in this relationship and family. When did you stop believing in yourself. Forget, what you deserve as a wife. What does your child need from a father. Run honey Run don't even stop to look back. This is abuse. 

Name: Sammie | Date: Nov 25th, 2007 10:19 PM
I have read every person who has contributed to this discussion, my husband of now 5 months is jobless, lazy and addicted to video games in particular football games. I have been sympathetic towards him because i was aware he went through issues before me. We met over the internet, and we both lived in different countries and through my struggle of leaving home to be with him and spending my money on him, and my parents paying for our marriage is the main reason we are together. All he really wants me to do is to stay with him at his country in his family home. He doesnt want to work and both his parents are still working and trying to make ends meet and he doesnt care for this fact. I am now pregnant and his parents told me to go back to my country to be with my family and closer to my mum who could take care of me better. His mum paid for the tickets and thats why we are here living with my parents now. Hes attempted to work but left after only a weeks work. Now for the past 2 months, we have no money and we are relying on my parents my sisters and brothers give me a hard time. But if I could i would get a job tomorrow but i am in my late stages of pregnancy. Not only this, my parents will be shocked that I am working in my state and he isnt. In spite of everything, my parents, sisters brother-in law all have offered him help, advised him and still give him advice. He makes promises and doesnt keep up to them and he aims for jobs which are impossible to get. All he does is play video games he occasionally helps me and then rests for the next 3-4 hours. I have never been the nagging type and hes made me into one. When i do say something he says well you brought me here i dont want to be here etc. its always my fault. It just seems so hopeless. Also if i say too much he becomes angry(moody) and he talks extremely about violent things he will do to my ex's. Today when I said if he couldnt provide for us or as a family then he should have told me to wait to marry me until he could. And then he said i didnt want to marry you that soon. Basically it was my idea..ufff!!! Though I should mention when his mood changes he can be really sweet. But I just dont know what to do, I love him very much and i cant imagine parting from him. 

Name: nixie | Date: Dec 3rd, 2007 9:14 PM
if i were you - i would get out of this relationship right now. i have been married to a man with the exact same type of personality that you describe in your husband - for 26 years. all of them terrible and full of hidden anger. we, just kidding, i raised our 2 kids, did everything around the house, inside and out, worked a full time job while hubby gained weight, worked at a mediocre job far below his abilities, came home and drank a six pack of beer every night in front of the t.v. set, and complained and whined like a child any time he was asked, begged, cajoled, coaxed and finally screamed at to do anything. i finally stopped asking. i also stopped cooking for him, doing his laundry and having sex with him. to say that the marriage is o-v-e-r is an understatement - still he won't leave - so i guess i will. anyway - you sound quite a bit younger than me so don't wait until your best years have been wasted on this fellow. you will reget it - trust me. they do not change. hope this has helped you somewhat. 

Name: sparky | Date: Dec 5th, 2007 2:54 AM
You need to invest the money in your education so that you can support yourself and your child. The least that he can do is watch the baby while you go to school. Why invest your money in a loser. Maybe the video games need to disappear. 

Name: Becky | Date: Dec 20th, 2007 6:04 PM
Wow - when I read stories like those that have been posted here, it makes me thankful for my situation, which is bad, but nothing compared to what I see here!
I've been with my husband for 7 years, married for 2. He's a good guy, but he has absolutely NO self-confidence, and when something's bothering him at work, he bottles it up until he explodes, and walks off the job. He's a cook, and in the 3 years that we've lived in this town, every job that he's left has been on questionable terms. He's running out of decent places to work. It's not that the jobs are bad, it's just that his personality and lack of self-confidence makes it so that at every job he has, he becomes that guy who gets walked all over, because people know that he has awesome skill, but no backbone.
We’ve talked about it, and a huge thing that we both think that’s holding him back are his TEETH. It sounds strange, but his teeth are awful – half of them have already fallen out, the other half are nasty and rotting out. This isn’t related to drugs – it’s just poor hygiene and family history (his brothers all had dentures before the age of 30, and he’s 42 now) The job I’m at now has a great dental plan, so I signed us both up, and we’re seeing a dentist in just a couple weeks. I’m just keeping my fingers crossed that this helps pull him out of his funk, and gives him the confidence to stand up for himself at work.
I do mother him a LOT – and the way I see it, I knew what I was signing up for when I married him – he’s been this way the entire time we’ve been together. I’ve always been the one to manage the finances – the only time he has cash in his pocket is when I give it to him. He’s a drinker – just beer, thankfully – but I get him a 30-pack every Friday…if he runs out before then, that’s his own problem. We don’t carry credit cards, the debit card is always in my wallet, and the extra checks are in my desk at work. If you remove the tools, there’s nothing he can do to screw you up!!!
The one thing that really bugs me about him is his tendency to lie to cover up his mistakes, and in the process, he screws up what I’ve worked so hard to maintain. The worst instance was when he claimed to have a job that he didn’t. My first suspicion was when he was ALWAYS home when I was. Next, he fed me some line about being transferred to another location – when I knew damn well that the scenario was impossible, since these two locations operate independently, even though they’re the same company. So I asked a friend of mine who worked for that company to do an employment check…and lo and behold, he wasn’t listed. In the meantime, he had been promising to bring home a paycheck, so I had been paying bills as usual…and before it was said and done, we were over $1,000 overdrawn at the bank…which is pretty much what I bring home in a month. Thru the generosity of friends, I was able to borrow money (which I have paid back since then) to get back above water, but he maintains that he DID have a job at this company, even though I never saw a paycheck for the 2 months that he said he worked there, and we did not receive a W-2 during tax time. The second time he lied was just recently – he had a new job and was working, while the truth was that though he HAD a job, they weren’t able to start him until a month later. Luckily, I was prepared for it this time, so we didn’t get behind on bills, and the bank account stayed in the positive. But Christmas is less than a week away, and we don’t have any presents for his daughters yet…so I’m hoping that the check he’s supposed to get in a couple days does happen…
Whew – that was long, but therapeutic! I’m just glad that I’m not the only one out there dealing with an unmotivated husband… 

Name: Jackie | Date: Jan 22nd, 2008 10:36 PM
Gees. Sadly I am going through the same thing. My husband of two years is the same way. I think that men only really respond to the thrill of the chase. If there is nothing to be gained (that they can see) than there is no reason to waste the effort. I'm sure none of us would be complaining as much as we are if are husbands were this way in the beginning. It's that now they have become dependent. We became family members but we surely didn't become their mothers. I think this is the first thing their minds resort to with living with a female.... "take care of me". Frankly I'm just about over it. When we mention something to them we are just going to sound like their mom...only they can talk back to us right. My husband recently went into business for himself and he is generally pretty busy throughout the first part of the day and free for the rest. Well he will come home and not do ANYTHING as if he has worked a 12 hour day. Not only that ...his checks come in the mail from vendors so he barely gets a paycheck at times and then others he will recieve a lot. He tends to focus on when he gets more checks than not. I have begged him to get a 3rd shift job for more stability all of 2007. Well were just late on our mortgage for the 3rd time. I'm over it. Ususally when I bring up the 2nd job it's like I'm asking him to slit his throat. I sent his resume to two places and he has two interviews tomorrow. We will see how it goes because I REFUSE to be the only one with a steady paycheck and kiliing myself to take care of the household this year. I am 100% for him having his own business but not until he has some real money in the bank that can sustain us. Other wise I don't really see any other reason to stick around if he can't see that he needs to be able to provide for his family. We have a 4 month old too and I have to do what is best for him. Plus he needs an example. 

Name: John | Date: Jan 23rd, 2008 3:20 PM
Is that so Jackie? You are something else my dear - but why not tell the truth and stop bashing men. Could U please give me a story about you all women? 

Name: Cathy | Date: Jan 26th, 2008 2:50 PM
My husband has been like this for thirty years. He is not going to change and neither will your husband. After looking around on like for advice I see my husband as a selfish and lazy narcesist. Get out as fast as you can. 

Name: Mary | Date: Jan 26th, 2008 3:52 PM
Go for you Cathy. Hope you can hanlde your own crisis and did U get out? 

Name: just me | Date: Apr 25th, 2008 2:03 AM
Hi. I am new here and am a guest. I have an issue with my husband. WE've been married 14+ years, 3 kids. I've worked at my job for 13 years. He works "seasonal" for his dad. His annual wages are $2500 (and that's on the high side). I only make $32,000 annual which averages about $2200 per month net. $1000 per month goes to house payment and taxes. I can no longer handle the stress at my job. I've missed all "the firsts" of all 3 of my daughters (who were all c-section and I returned to work within 9 days of each one's birth).
I've asked him for 12+ years to do something so I could be at home, the mom, clean the house, etc. I never get anywhere. I feel I am at my breaking point now. I can't keep living on good intentions of "next year" next year, etc.
I know I "should" kick him to the curb, but the girls need their dad, and he does alot outside but the outside work in the yard doesn't pay the bills.
I am trying to find a legit work at home job I can do to keep up with everything. I'm really struggling here.
Can anyone help me? I miss my kids....... 

Name: Rochelle | Date: May 10th, 2008 12:58 AM
After reading all of your posts I know now that when I go home tonight I am packing my stuff and I'm telling my husband that he has a year to get himself a job,learn how to do laundry, cook and clean or I am filing for divorce. I have been working steadily since I was 14 yrs old (I'm 28) no kids and we've been married for 7months, together for 3 yrs 7mos. He has only held a job once in his life and that was last year for 8 months. I thought that I could lead by example and make him a responsible man. so far I was wrong, and I shouldn't have married him. If he doesn't get his act together than he is dead to me and till death do us part. 

Name: sue | Date: Jun 22nd, 2008 11:09 PM
I would quit trying to get him to go to school and instead put yourself through. You can't motivate someone to do something they don't want. It sound like he is using you. I went through a two year nursing program with two children under the age of 3 and I got through it on my own with no support from my husband at the time. He did have a full time job but he did nothing like watch the boys when I studied or help out around the house. 

Name: Will | Date: Jul 15th, 2008 9:01 PM
Sound like my friend, he sits around playing Warcraft all day while his wife cleans and cooks. LOL 

Name: Ariadna | Date: Jul 15th, 2008 11:36 PM
I am sorry that you are going through this. I too have a husband who is like yours and a son who is now 2years old. have you thought abought taking a break meaning you leave him for a while unitl he decides. i did that with my husband but the things is he hasnt changed and has actually gotten worst. he just bough a new home on his own name and had me sign a form giving my rights to it. there are days that i feel that i should just leave b/c i was doing better off without him. i was working and making 18.00/hr and had a car, cell phone and did what i had to for my son. i wish i would have never come back b/c i now without any money and a job. i could only give you the advise that i am taking now to get foward in life. i am going back to college and will be starting a good job. hope to leave my husband once i get a good job and will move back to california were i had my friends and family. i will also take my husband to court to have him pay child support and full custody but other than that i want nothing else from him. just could wish him the best and that he would find some like me. someone who loves him, would clean,cook, and do anything he wanted. because i too know that i can find someone better and i think that you can too. 

Name: ExhaustedWife | Date: Jul 24th, 2008 11:54 PM
I have the exact same situation. Except my husband keeps "busy" by saying that he is in business for himself. I pay all of the bills, and I am drowning in them. Seriously considering divorce, but we have 3 daughters. I see him as a loveable monster. 

Name: lisasing | Date: Jul 25th, 2008 1:30 AM
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Name: Pissed Off | Date: Aug 20th, 2008 1:23 AM
It is such a relief to see that other women are dealing with the same issue I am. I am only 25, been married just under a year and we are expecting our first child. Everyday I regret marrying my husband. All he does is sit on the couch and play video games. He is not motivated to do anything. I have a good head on my shoulders and wish that one day he could actually accomplish something other than going to the next level on his video game. For awhile, he was not working and I struggled to pay our bills, especially because most of them are in my name and I didn't want it to ruin my credit. I feel I was doing much better before I met him and wish I hadn't. Now I have a son on the way and my hope is that he will be nothing like his father. I pray every night that God gives me the strength to raise this little one to be a MAN and not some lazy bum laying on someone's couch. We are considering buying a house before the baby comes but I don't know if I want to take that step with him for fear he'll quit his job or get fired and I'll be stuck with the bills. What was I thinking? 

Name: wife of lazy ass husband | Date: Nov 18th, 2008 9:12 PM
I'm so sorry to hear of your predicament. I also have a lazy ass husband who is "retired". His $%$#'$ pension is less than 1/2 of what I make, but he thinks he's retired. In the meantime I'm busting my #$% M-F and when I get home I'm exhausted. He cooks, but not so well and I have a little leverage, since I make a lot more money than he, but it's just hard. Maybe you might consider counseling to see if he sees the light, or maybe a trial separation??
Good luck to you. You are not alone. There are plenty of lazy ass husbands to go around 

Name: LS | Date: Mar 16th, 2009 5:31 PM
I'm so sorry for you trouble. I am having the same problem with my fiance. He is so lazy and puts everything off until the last minute. My mom works for the power plant near where we live and can get him a job doing an electricians apprenticeship. He didn't get his transcripts on time, but his mother had an extra one, so thankfully it will get done. He says he doesn't want the job, even though he doesn't have one, and has few skills other then in construction. The worst bit is that I am four months pregnant. If that can't motivate him, what will? 

Name: Grace | Date: Mar 23rd, 2009 3:05 AM
A new perspective... Your hubbie loves his games, that's his hobbie and we all need those so let him have it, better yet, join him once in a while. Have him show you how to play and let him enjoy his favorite hobbie with his favorite person. It's about finding a balance. Just practice doing things together and without nagging about it or complaining one day you'll both be in the kitchen talking and doing dishes when suddenly you realize, HE'S HELPING YOU!!! It's so easy to push the men in our lives away when opening ourselves a liitle more to their worlds draws them into ours. Stay positive and be someone he wants to be around. 

Name: jill | Date: Apr 2nd, 2009 3:30 PM
Although my husband is working, he doesn't make much money. He is a good person, but completely unmotivated. I am the advocate for everything. I am always telling him what to do and what we should be planning for bla bla bla..I often feel I am enabling his unmotivation because my mind works for him. I have 2 young kids and hoped he could pull through for us financially when the kids were young, but his salary was pathetic and we ended up spending a lot of our savings..just so i could be with the kids a lot when they were young. This decision was mine, and being with my kids took president. However when my oldest was 5 I had no choice but to work again for financial reasons. I had a great career before the kids were born and I do love what I do. I think my biggest problem is that we have made sacrifices for my husbands job, in terms of location and no medical..and now I'm bending over backwards trying to find work and working late nights just to pay the bills. We have been together for 15 years, and honestly I think we are only together now because I would feel so sad for the kids if we were to divorce. He does not pull his weight financially, and he is not motivated by anything. I have big resentment issues, obviously. I'm not sure what's going to happen here, but know that it doesn't get better! Either get use to it, find your own path to deal with it or get out. People don't change. 

Name: jimmy | Date: Apr 9th, 2009 5:53 AM
Give him a RUDE AWAKENING, he sounds like he is taking you for granted,but you never once mention that you dont love him anymore , good for you for seeing a bright side still and askng for help,,, I suggest that you sit him down and get real serious with him,,expalin to him in the simpleast terms ,,about how you feel,, and tell him what you just said in your last paragraph,,,, i know trying to scare him or threaten him is kinda just playing games ,,but he needs to have a litttle scare to kick him in the ass,, You are a great person in my books for toughing it out and trying to fix the situation instead of just running away from it,,,,WELL DONE and i hope the best for you. 

Name: Anon | Date: May 20th, 2009 10:32 PM
Leslie, your husband could be clinically depressed. He could also be feeling completely inadequate, overwhelmed, and ashamed. He puts on a crusty exterior and says hurtful things because he sees the strength in you that he just does not have right now. I am so sorry for your pain. I know this may sound laughable to some, but if you are a prayerful person, please pray and ask for guidance. There is an answer for you. You are in my thoughts. 

Name: Tammie | Date: Jun 10th, 2009 11:59 PM
I understand how you feel. I have been with my hsband for 12 years. He was laid off in March and all he does is play video games all day long and doesn't even bother looking for a job. He doesn't do anything around the house I work full time, pay all the bills and do all the house work. I have tried talking to him and it didn't work. I have come to the decision if I loose my house because I can pay the bills I will loose him too. I can't take it any more. I thought marrige was supposed to be a happy time in your life. Mine has brought nothing but stress. If I end up getting divorced I will never get married again. 

Name: Tara | Date: Jun 18th, 2009 6:50 PM
Dear all of you,

I scrolled down and read through and could not understanf why you all allow this to happen and tolerate it. My husband's father is the same type of uselss man who let his wife do everything: cooking, cleaning, child rearing and working. Thank God my husband is the otther way around.

We have no kids and am not working but my source of income is from my dividend. Financially, I contribute about 30% and he contributes 70% yet he feels that he is not a man for he would need my financial contribution. I prepare breakfast for him every weekday but he serves me tea in bed and makes breakfast for us during weekend. When I cook, he cleans. When he cooks, I clean. Sometimes, I tried to clean, he told me to stop and he insisted on doing it. We each do our own laundry.

Here is my step-by-step suggestions:

1) Pray and ask God for guidance and help with the transformation

2) Sit down and talk to your husband with all your heart and all your love about your true feeling and about the need to change before it is too late.
3) Seek help from marriage counselor

The bottom line is that you need to "Be Firm". It happened to you because you allowed it to happen. He treats you like a slave because he knows he can get away and you can live with it.

Ultimately, if he will never ever change, ask yourself if you would be happily married with him for the rest of your life?

If the answer is no and nothing works, move out. Tell him you need some time alone. Quite often, we dont know what we have until we lose it. And all changes involve losses.

Hopefully, he will realize he cannot live without you and he needs to grow up in order to have you back. By that time, you might realize that life is better without him.

Best luck, 

Name: E | Date: Jul 17th, 2009 7:27 PM
I searched "unmotivated guy", due to my current situation with a boyfriend of 3 yrs, that is very unmotivated/immature. I cringe when I think of the high possibility of me being in your shoes in a few years. Can I ask for your advice.. What was he like when you were dating? Were there any red flags that you could have/should have been aware of and acted on? Please help a fellow sister. I love my man (ex, that stays in contact), but don't know whether to continue to work on him or just try hard to swallow the lonely, but independent pill. 

Name: jenny | Date: Nov 12th, 2009 12:48 AM
My husband is refussing to help out with any house work! I get so fustrated and am out of ways to get him to help out? 

Name: onebadhusband | Date: Nov 16th, 2009 5:05 PM
you know it was the oppisite of him. i worked on the road as a long haul trucker thinking all my family needed was my money to make me a good father husband and lover. but as time went on i felt this way and no matter how much they wanted me i pushed away. last tuesday my wife asked me to leave as i had pushed her away so long. she was never one to be out right and forward but still her messages had been clear and i ignored thinking that the issues would solve themselves. wow was i wrong, not alone broken hearted and no one to blame but me for our situation. I think if you really want and love him as it sounds you do ..make him listen be clear that you need counselling and help one another..if not you are having to leave. just be ready for him to push it away and you may have to leave him but if you want him and he comes back wanting you don't be afraid of going for the help at that time then..he sounds like he is in a rut like i was and he will reget letting you go and not realizing what he was doing. we men have and ego problem always have and will...lol be strong and if he wants to ..tell him to post me here and i will give him my number to call and let him know my story and the pain and hurt it causes during and long after. 

Name: KT | Date: Jan 14th, 2010 6:56 PM
Oh my God.. my boyfriend is exactly the same. -_- I feel for ya.. 

Name: Debbie | Date: Feb 9th, 2010 10:51 PM
You are NOT alone!!! Mine is adicted to computer games (he's 40 going on 12) and when he's away all day whether at work or the VA or whatever, he comes home and jumps right on that computer. He doesn't believe me when the kids have been saying for so many years, "All dad does is play stupid computer games" and when I complain he gets off to watch a movie but situates himself to fall asleep during the beginning of it. I'm so sick of 'living by myself' which is how I feel!!!!!!! 

Name: nancy heap | Date: May 24th, 2010 8:51 PM
I am having a very simalar problem too! He is just the same with the video games, has no college, etc. I have been trying to urge him to get into college, he doesn't do much around the house for cleanup. I am exasperated. Were in the army, newly married, and trying to get out of debt on top of that, he wastes extra money he does manage to come by, says it was on food and gas, yet were running low on groceries, in the fridge, its cuz he want to go out to eat by himself all the time, and I have been the only one who has been buying the groceries! It is getting to where I believe I made a mistake with his dumbass! 

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