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Name: Teresa99
[ Original Post ]
My new husband is so jealous of my ex. He even admits that it is tearing us apart. I only talk to my ex when needed. We have 2 children 7 & 9. My ex and I don't hate each other. We have friendly conversations concerning our kids and that is it. He is a great dad and I appreciate everything he does for them. We have joint custody so we have to communicate. My new husband expects me to be a mean and short. I have never done anything to make him think I want my ex back and he knows my love for him is complete. How do I help him control his jealousy.
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Name: molly-may | Date: Sep 19th, 2006 6:26 PM
I am wondering if your ex-husband has a new girlfriend or a new wife. Your new husband may think that your ex wants you back. Maybe when your new husband sees that your ex has moved on then he become a bit more understanding. Remember your new husband probably doesn't like the idea that you were with this man and that you share children. I would sit down and talk with him, maybe include him in the conversations with your ex, maybe have him pick up or drop off the kids from your ex. Good luck! 

Name: jillw | Date: Sep 19th, 2006 6:36 PM
Tell him to get over his self and that you had 2 children with this man and that means that you have to talk to him about you children. Assure him that you are not just chatting and telling each other about your days or your lives. I have a real problem when my husbands ex jsut want to call and tell him about the problems she is having with her husband I jsut made it very clear that if she had issues that she needed to phone a friend not my husband and that their conversations needed to be only about their child and nothing more. It wasn't always like that, but she is a very hateful and vindictive person so after trying very hart to be friendly with her and having her just disrespect me I gave up and set the ground rules. Just assure your husband that he is your ex and you have nothing to talk to him about but your children and that there is no reason to be mean or short with him because that is not in the best intrest of your kids. 

Name: Teresa99 | Date: Sep 19th, 2006 6:51 PM
No, my ex does not have girlfriend but he does date. The kids ride the bus when they come to our house so there really is not much contact. My son has football equipment and we usually pick it up on the way to practice. Sometimes my husband is with me and sometimes he does it. I guess I'm just looking for an easy solution. I don't know how to handle a jealous, jealous man. Thanks for your response. 

Name: molly-may | Date: Sep 20th, 2006 12:22 PM
I want to say that it gets better with time, but honestly I don't know. I don't think that there is an easy solution for this. I think your best bet is to sit down with your husband and talk about it. Good luck to you! 

Name: girly29 | Date: Sep 20th, 2006 1:27 PM
Does your new husband have a jealous personallity? Does he get jealous about other people too? 

Name: pj754 | Date: Sep 22nd, 2006 2:04 PM
I think all you can do for now is to keep telling your husband you have no choice but to communicate with your ex for the children's sake. This may sound harsh to tell your husband but your children were before him. It is both you and your ex's responsibility to make sure the children are cared for properly. Perhaps your ex may still have feelings for you but you would be able to see those kinds of actions. Explain to your husband that you and your ex will always be a part of your children's lives but in the end, you will always be home with your husband now. Tell him that you love him and nothing is going on and there should be no reason for him to be upset with the ex. Explain that if you and your ex were still in love, you would be together now. Sometimes, you will need to be blunt with your husband. You are there with him to make him happy but you see no reason to be rude to your ex. I thinks is wonderful that you are able to communicate with your ex they way you do. I wished I had that kind of relationship with mine. However, my ex is always trying to pull a fast one. He main goal is to try and disrupt my household. That's when I have to tell him to stick it where the sun doesn't shine. As for you, you both are able to be a part of your children's lives and your children need that. Perhaps you can tell your husband that he needs to get over his jealous attitude. He may get angry but you need to put your foot down with him. Explain to him that your not going to change because he expects you to. There is nothing going on other than two parents working together for their children's sakes. See what he says? Hang in there!!! Hopefully, he will come around for all your sakes. I don't know if my advice helped. I do wish you well. 

Name: Lizzi | Date: Sep 22nd, 2006 2:20 PM
I don't think you can do anything aside from being mean and short like he wants you to be. Remind your husband that your ex is an ex for a reason and that he should be proud of you for being so mature and adult with your ex instead of immature,short and mean (like so many other divorced people are with each other these days). Remind him that he married a mature woman not a childish girl! 

Name: Teresa99 | Date: Sep 22nd, 2006 7:37 PM
Thanks for all the advice!! He does have a jealous personality but it only causes problems with my ex. My 9 year old's football games start this Saturday so wish me luck! We'll all be together. 

Name: pj754 | Date: Sep 23rd, 2006 9:24 PM
To Teresa99---Yes, I agree completely with Lizzi. I do hope the football game goes well for you all. Every once in awhile, pat your husband's butt or give him a kiss. Show him how much you mean to him even if it's in front of the ex. I do hope he will be able to get over being jealous. Perhaps it will take some time. Keep us posted. 

Name: nicole jones1 | Date: Oct 2nd, 2006 4:31 PM
I'm not in exactly the same position - but I'm dealing with the same jealously. My ex husband and I had a horrible relationship (most of the 2 years we were married) except for the really good productive 6 months at the end where I agreed to get pregnant - and then he did a 180 again and quit paying bills, coming home, started getting violent and abusive again... needless to say I left him when I was only 5 weeks pregnant or so. Well, now I'm halfway through my pregnancy and met and fell in love with a great guy. He plans to adopt the baby and we're getting married soon - so there is really no reason that I'll ever have to see my ex again aside from the fact that we live in a small town - but he's STILL jealous. Actually, hateful may be a better word. He gets so upset when people who knew my ex bring him up or talk about some of the things that he did to me. He's explained it to me that he just can't picture me with anyone but him ( and who would want to really? ) and it puts the pics in his head, especially of the abuse and things he knows a little about.

I think it's natural to have that to some degree. I feel a little like that towards my fiance's ex-wife, but because they have kids I just have to bite my tounge and accept the fact that they'll be talking once a week or more for the next 9 years. If I wasn't okay with that I probably wouldn't have gotten into the sitution in the first place. I know that I felt a few pangs of jealously for sure when I started making a scrapbook for his kids and came across vacation pictures, pictures of their old house, their car, etc. but in my head I really do know that those things are long gone and now we have OUR house and OUR car and we'll be taking OUR own vacations.

I don't really have any other suggestion for you aside from what everyone else has said, but remind him that if ANY of your past relationships had worked you'd still be in them... they didn't which is why you are in one with him, because it does. Same goes for him. Chances are he's had girlfriends, if not wives before you. Just let him know that your kids aren't their father and you can love your kids to the ends of the earth without feeling an ounce for their other genetic contributor. 

Name: Jeane | Date: Jul 15th, 2008 6:17 PM
I could have written this question - I am having exactly the same problem. I have tried everything suggested and nothing seems to stop the images my new husband has on the rare occasions when my ex picks up the kids from me at my home (and my ex istn't there). He imagines us all together like a happy family - whereas he prefers to think of just the four of us as our own family, without my ex ever intervening. The only thing I noticed that I could do better from one of the responses below, is that sometimes my ex and I share other personal details - how the job is going, updates on old friends or relatives etc. We were married 10 years, divorced 8, and until I remarried last year we were "friends". We occasionally had dinner or lunch with the kids. We do not hate each other - we share custody equally and care very much about the kids - but we also still share some details of our personal lives. We never fought when we got divorced - we just stopped loving each other - it was a sad divorce, but not angry/bitter. So the only thing I can think to do is to make sure our conversations are only about the kids - stop being his friend. He is my exhusband - we need to discuss things related to the kids, but that is it, right? Don't get me wrong - the talks I have with my ex are few and far between - but I bet to my new husband, it doesn't matter if they are just once a year, it' 

Name: Jeane | Date: Jul 15th, 2008 6:18 PM
sorry, i hit "submit" before I finished. Anyway, i was just going to say that to my new husband, it doesn't matter if I have a friendly chat with my ex husband once a year, it's still too often, right? That's the thing I could do to make it better - assure my new husband that talks will ONLY be about the kids and ONLY when necessary, right? Any other advice? 

Name: amie | Date: Jun 18th, 2009 7:47 PM
I have the same exact problem. My husband telles me my friendlyness is "inappropriate", which inturn gets me so mad that it's hard for me to comfort him and resure him that he's the only one I love..I'm thinking about going to seee a couselor- a man, to try to get his point of view but I truely feel I'm not doing anything wrong except getting along with my X. 

Name: texasmom | Date: Jun 25th, 2009 3:54 PM
Jeane is right on the money! Reflect on what kind of communication you have with you ex. If you are doing anything other than talking about the children, his feelings are understandable. Any form of reminiscing, discussing jobs, talking about mutual friends, old connections with extended family...it's bound to make him feel excluded. Trust me...I know. I'm in his shoes.

Second piece of advice...work on the relationship you have with him. The stronger I feel about my relationship with my husband, the better I can tolerate his ex's existence. When I can have many days in a row without hearing about her, when we make our own memories, when I know the life we have together is exactly what he wants and has never had, when he is fully invested in the present and the future and not the past...well, then I handle the occassional jealous pang much more productively. 

Name: Lisa | Date: Dec 16th, 2009 3:39 AM
I have no solution for you there, but I do commend you for having a good relationship with your ex. I have the same with my ex, and it has been really good for the kids. They are grown now, and I think they have done well because we were both civil, good to each other, and good examples for them. I wish you the best! 

Name: poke | Date: Dec 16th, 2009 3:02 PM
You have kids together! He needs to grow up and stop being so insucure. If he was this way before you got married then this is your fault. You should have ran the first time he did it. And your ex might want you back, who knows? But even then he needs to get over it. If anyone should be pissed it's your ex. He has to see his wife with another man. This guy really needs to grow up. 

Name: Joseph74 | Date: Apr 8th, 2010 4:11 PM
What about when your wife hates her ex one minute, a post divorce custody battle ends, then they are instant friends, he comes in the house by her invitation, she talks to him on the phone about her work situation, newer girl friends and what they are going to go do? I am "insecure" for asking why the extra conversation is necessary. Anyone have an opinion? 

Name: lynda | Date: Apr 22nd, 2010 10:41 PM
i truly feel your pain. i have a new partner in my life who does nothing but critize my ex. the sad part is that he even dislikes my chilren and amakes them feel like crap all the time. we had a truly great enviroment with the ex and everyone was we3lcome yours mine and ours now its so baed that my our daughter age a20 has choes to move out. my ex still supports his 1st wife and treats her well and i have the utmost respect for that. let your new husband know that you are in this relationship for the long run don`t call down the ex bec ause he is still the father of the children. i an in constant turmoil, with my new partner. he must keep his opinions to him self, not in front of the children who have enough to deal with.

i ti sympathize with you. my new partner diss my exoes nothing but 

Name: michelle | Date: Nov 21st, 2010 6:17 PM
my new husband is jealous of the ex...we divorced after 17 years..i choose to be friends with him..be civil...have a good relationship. Now and then he will "like" a status ive posted on fb...or we will exchange a joke via text. when we see each other we are friendly and ask how ya been? with just simple answers of doin great and you?...i dont pry into his life..he doesnt pry into mine...my son is 19 and lives with me and says this friendship has made his life easier.. i have no ill will towards the guy..nor him to me..the divorce was my doing...and although he was horrible husband material he is a good guy...good father...and well a good human being..of course he has faults..or i wouldnt have divorced him..but the point is we are better divorced than married...my new husband makes me miserable over this "relationship". 

Name: tangsoor | Date: Feb 9th, 2011 2:09 PM

Name: nenee | Date: Sep 23rd, 2011 5:09 AM
my husband is jelous 

Name: Ive | Date: Jan 29th, 2012 7:02 AM
Is the "friendly conversations" between you and your husband that I'm sure is driving him crazy. Their is a fine line of respect that your ex needs to realize when you both have your "friendly conversations" 

Name: lucy | Date: Feb 16th, 2015 11:43 PM
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