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Name: Alicia
[ Original Post ]
I am expecting a baby in July with my boyfriend of four years. I have a 9 yr old son from a previous marriage whom I share custody w/his father but he never sees him or calls and is no help financially either. My boyfriend and son have a close relationship, It was important for me to make sure that was established in the beginning of our relationship. Since we will soon become a family my boyfriend will be moving in but he wants no financial responsability for my son because he is not his father.He feels no obligation towards my son in any way. Where do I draw the line financially.I hear the phrase "treating the child as if he were my own", but what does that really mean? Does that include financial responsabilities?This breaks my heart to think my boyfriend wants to divide things when were supposed to be a family.In no way should my son feel like an outsider because my boyfriend will soon have his own child. Any thoughts?
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Name: Raina | Date: Feb 7th, 2006 9:00 PM
4 years into the relationship seems a little late to set boundaries, but for the sake of your son it sounds necessary. Perhaps be very clear to your boyfriend that you love him and want him in your life, and this means fully understanding and accepting that with you comes a child who adores him. A child who already considers him a father figure. You are a package deal. Period. And with this package comes responsibilities. By moving in and assuming a full time role as your partner he assumes a full time role as a father, whether or not there is another child on the way. As you will be pooling your finances to raise the child you are carrying, as you will pool your finances to pay the mortgage and buy groceries, so should you pool your finances to raise the child that is already part of your family.
Unless he fully understands that he not about to become a father, but is about to add to his Family, then you're right, your son will always feel the divide and I couldn't possibly imagine what he will feel when the new child is born and is accepted far more than he. If your BF is not willing to treat both children as his own, is he right for you and your son? 

Name: michael | Date: Feb 11th, 2006 10:03 AM
no i an a single dad of 12 & 14 y o boys. he could treat them as Close though Not Dad i would dislike any man to be called ' Dad ' by my sons. in the same breath they should be respectful of him if he earns or deserves their respect 

Name: Alicia | Date: Feb 16th, 2006 12:20 AM
Thank you guys for your advice, Im glad there are some serious people still left on these forums 

Name: Gabby | Date: Mar 17th, 2006 2:14 AM
sup peeps! 

Name: TO Alicia | Date: Apr 3rd, 2006 2:30 AM
You tell your boyfriend its a (package deal) or nothing at all!!!!!!!!! Thats B.S. !!!!!! If hes that way now it wont get better. If I were you I would reconsider moving him in because thats not right. Taking care of you AND your son both as well as the new baby should be joyous to him if he REALLY loves you. Thats like him saying he accepts you and HIS baby but NOT your son from another man!! Thats crap and if he feels that way then you shouldnt want him around!!! Thats just WRONG!!!!!! You are that boys mother and should be looking at whats best for him not your boyfriends needs. Id kick him to the curb and concentrate on raising your children. You shouldnt want a man like that in your life!!!! 

Name: Mandy | Date: Apr 10th, 2006 2:38 AM
no if he doesnt live with you!yes if he does live with you! 


Name: Serina | Date: Apr 10th, 2006 12:36 PM
You should first get the (real Father to support the child. The laws are not as easy on the parent for not paying as they were.You might be able to get a court appointed attorney .Your boyfriend shoud not have to pay for a child that is not his.My paycheck does not go towards child support but my husbands does. I do buy things for the kids but it is my choice. He should treat the child as he would if he were the step parent. Maybe you could sit down with him and ask him what he mean by no financial responsibility.I mean you son will eat the food and live with you so rent i, heat, water....is involved or does him mean clothing colledge educatio extras like school trips. By his answer you should get a better idea of his meaning.Maybe he thinks the Father should pay explain to him the reason hhis father can not or will not.
Ask as many questions as you can before he moves in.You might not like the answers but at least you will know.
Very Best of luck and God Bless, 

Name: A Step-Mom | Date: Apr 10th, 2006 7:33 PM
I disagree with some of you. My step-son is my son as far as the whole family is concerned, except for the biological mother, but she isn't around enough to voice her opinion. If she doesn't think I should treat her son as my own, she should make herself more available to her own child. It is the child that will one day realize who was there for him. It is his choice. I don't force him to call me mommy or recognize me as such. He asked me if it is ok and the family sat down and told him that he can call me mommy as long as he understands that he came from someone else's tummy and that person is also his mommy. I think if you are involved with someone seriously, they should treat your child as their own. Your children don't have to acknowledge him or her as a parent, but should respect them as an adult. Let the choice be the child's. Anything less than this is selfish on the part of the non-parent. The best wishes of the child should be what is important. Your child shouldn't feel like the new baby is the only one that is loved, but that is what will happen if he isn't accepted by your partner. Even before me and my husband were married, we shared financial responsibilities. Even if money comes out of his check for his son, that is less money for me and the child I am carrying now, so I view that as a shared responsibility. The money might not have been earned by me, but it still takes away from the whole. I have accepted that. I understand him backing away if the biological parent was supporting, but since the biological parent is absent, and the boyfriend has been in the picture for such a long time, he is the main role model your son has. He needs to understand that, and also understand that you have no other financial support. I think any reasonable human being would be willing to step up and treat that child as his own after 4 years. I also am a step-child. I stop and think everyday I look at my step-son about my step-father. How would I have felt if he treated me different from his children...resentful and angry. He treats me the same even now even though I had a father that was supportive. I had more than just 2 parents that loved me...I had 3. More love never hurt anyone and that is why I will never treat my step-son any different. 

Name: Donna | Date: Apr 13th, 2006 2:42 AM
Package Deal! Your son is old enough to know he's not his real father. That isn't the issue. Financially he should support you in providing for you child. If you need help supporting him due to this child you have together then his heart and pocket book should both be in the same place.

With that being said, it doesn't give him the right to degrade your ex for not being the kind of father both of you expect either. Let your son figure that out figure it out. Overtime he'll understand who really raised him and who didn't!

Good Luck! 

Name: Jennifer | Date: Apr 14th, 2006 5:37 PM
I'm in your situation my ex husband of 13 yrs left and i now have a wonderful boyfried my ex wants nothing to do with our 3 children unless it is convenient for him my boyfriend lives with me and my children love him he does more for my children in 2 years than tim (there father) has done in 11 years (my oldest) he must except them in every way and if he doesnt then he is not worth having around if he excepts you he must except your other child 

Name: sarah mckellar | Date: May 4th, 2006 10:22 PM
well,if hes a nice guy and he is a good rolemodel for your son and him and your son have a close relationship and your son does not have a father than yes, because that makes a family!!!

love, sarah mckellar of BacliffT.X. AGE-12 p.s.i hope you your son boyfriend and coming baby all stay safe GOD BLESS YOU!!!!!!!! 

Name: Aaron | Date: May 11th, 2006 8:58 PM
No,
My dads started dating ( i hate him for it ) and he divorced my mum like 3 months ago.. and he wonts me to meet his new women URHHH anyway.. dont hes not his dad.. at all.. 

Name: ticdoc | Date: Jun 7th, 2007 2:39 AM
Does he take financial steps? Buy clothes? Take him out to eat? Take him to the movies? Do things with him? Buy him shoes? Maybe your boyfriend just doesn't want to put terms on it. The bottom line is you can't exclude your son and neither can your boyfriend. There is more to "DAD" than biology or money. I have been a "DAD" to well over a hundred kids doing everything a "DAD" does without being financially obligated. I have been a foster parent for over 25 years. Don't exclude your son (and you said that he and your boyfriend have an excellent relationship) 

Name: kely | Date: Jun 13th, 2007 3:00 PM
can my baby 2 be have my boyfreinds name if hes not the dad 

Name: baby | Date: Jun 13th, 2007 3:02 PM
how can he have my bf last name 

Name: sophie | Date: Jul 3rd, 2007 7:28 AM
he probably wants to just hang out and make sure the kid likes him i meen its beta then him being absolutley horrible 2 him cause wat would u choose meen or nice + hes also trying to show u that he loves your children and that he can care of them 

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