|Name: Piscis81 | Date: Oct 20th, 2006 1:54 AM|
I am so proud of you. I know it is very hard to try it at least for one day, even sometimes 1/2 a day seems impossible. Please continue your work, I have tried everyday for now a couple of months and I have not been successful, before that I had given birth and during my pregnancy I was doing well just because I did not want to harm my baby.
Take care and keep posting ↑
|Name: lucie | Date: Oct 20th, 2006 9:20 AM|
|thanks piscis for your support. Its been a couple of weeks since ive tried to stop and even though im havent completly stopped i have made great progress.|
This week i have only made myself sick 1 night, that was wednesday. I am just trying to decrease the amount gradually and it seems to be working.
Im at a weight that im comfortable with and im just feeling so me again like i used to, i just feel like myself.
if you u want any motivation off me let me no cus i never thought i would make it this far!!! ↑
|Name: krazykaseyusaf | Date: Oct 20th, 2006 9:40 PM|
|i'm anorexic and have been for 5 years i've kept it a secrect from everyone and even my parents don't know. well i know they have an idea that i am anorexic because they always ask how i'm eating and make sure i ate at work and at home. i really need advise on to how to beat this..!!! PLEASE ↑|
|Name: miahimia | Date: Oct 20th, 2006 10:54 PM|
|Thats awsome! I am so sorry you had to go through that I know how difficult it is. It is weird because your from Europe I am guessing, well I am from the United states and I always heard that that kind of thing doesnt really happen over there. guess it does. Hear is my story. Where are you from in Europe? |
Thanksgiving, a time when families all over America gather around the dinner table, bowing there heads in silence as they give thanks to the Lord. That leaves selfish, ungrateful, and bratty me, looking towards the heavens, scowling.
I never thought I’d have a thanksgiving dinner that didn’t taste good. Nurse Alice brought me fish-fish-instead of turkey! Lumpy sweet potatoes, string bean and a role. My usual cranberry sauce replaced with astro-pack grape jelly. “Yum”.
Thrusting my tray away I mumble to nurse Alice, “I’ll take the boost.” She sighs but doesn’t protest as she leans over to collect my tray. I don’t think she blames me, faced with the decision she would have probably taken the boost too. Anyways the boost isn’t half bad, well, compared with being tubed that is.
Flopping back onto the pillows I close my eye and take a deep breath. The smell of doctors, latex gloves, and disinfect spray fills my lungs. Hospitalized for an eating disorder my heart rate dropped to around thirty beats a minute. For the last week in a half I’d been lying in this room wearing nothing but the oh so elegant scrubs, Tubes and needles going in and out of holes in my transparent skin. My body eating away at my heart and muscles. In the months before my hospitalization I struggled with depression, triggered by an incident from my childhood: Child molestation by a family friend. The abuse caused me a great deal of pain, anger and self-hatred. I kept all my feelings bottled up inside me, unable to acknowledge the hurt and pain which dwelled within me. If I could just ignore the pain, maybe this feeling of emptiness would disintegrate. Suppressing my emotions only made the situation worse, never had I experienced such a feeling of loneliness. In an attempt to comfort me, Dad would wrap me in an embrace. Only to be shaken off by my push and screams, “Don’t touch me!” I had lost trust in all males, and whenever approached by one I became edgy and timid. With each passing day my life felt more out of control as I tried to juggle all my emotions while still going to school, dealing with my fellow students and watching as the incident hit the news. Friends and family began to see a change in me and they never seemed to fail to mention it. Their comments hurt, but I realized that my friends and family only wonted the old me back. “No longer do you have that fiery spark in your eyes” one of my friend’s moms had told me. It was hard enough on everyone as it was, they had their own emotional problems to deal with, they didn’t need to worry about me as well. Something had to be done. This burden was mine; to lay my sorrows on them would be cruel.
Hiding behind a fake smile I went about my day. But at night, lying alone in my bed, the pain washed over me until it was unbearable and I would cry myself to sleep. I desperately needed to talk to someone, but I wouldn’t allow myself to acknowledge any pain. By ignoring the pain I thought I could some how avoid experiencing it. What I did not realize was that I would eventually have to deal with the emotions I had locked away. A mixture of emotions sat brewing in my body cage, a volcano on the verge of eruption. And I did erupt, all the pain, anger and confusion I had felt now came bubbling up in an eating disorder.
Never did I mean to hurt my self, or even lose weight; in fact for a while I convinced my self that what I was doing was actually healthy. An addiction had formed, and I soon began starving myself. Starving myself aloud me to feel a different kind of pain, one that was easier to handle than the emotional pain I was feeling. Soon my thought revolved only around food; no longer did I have to deal with the pain of the past. A sense of control washed over me, as I took my eating disorder farter and farther. My weight dropped drastically.
Pulling a towel off of the rack I began drying my hair, to my horror I pulled away a clump of hair from my scalp. Looking towards the mirror I saw my reflection. Dark circles had formed under my eyes and, my cheekbones were popping out of transparent skin. That was when I realized just how thin I really was. Tiered of being bruising easily, feeling cold all the time and the feeling of dizziness which washed over me every time I stood up, I decided I wonted to get better and rid my self of this eating disorder. It wasn’t that simple though. I wonted to get rid of the negative affects but I wasn’t willing to give up my sense of control. Eating again meant I would no longer endure the physical pain, however, that meant dealing with a greater pain, the emotional pain I had worked so hard to avoid. By that time I had grown so frail that I was hospitalized because my heart rate had dropped to 30 beats a minute.
As soon as my heart rate went back up I was admitted to the out patient eating disorder program, were I worked to get my weight back up. My parents sought out a counselor for me. This was the first step in what has become a long and bumpy road. “Why don’t you use the voice God gave you, instead of your body to tell me your hurting?” My counselor helped me through the pain I had been dealing with. Eventually I was able to let go of the burden and shame I had felt, and vowed that I would no longer let the shadow of the past rule over my life.
I still get depressed sometimes and I’m not yet confidently one hundred percent sure of who I am. But I am on the road to recovery, and for the first time in a long time I am determined to live my life. Ending up with this eating disorder was the worst thing to happen to me, but it was the best thing to happen to my family because it brought us closer together. With the love and support I receive daily from friends and family I know I will over come this struggle. ↑
|Name: Piscis81 | Date: Oct 21st, 2006 5:03 AM|
I do need to speak, we feel so strong when giving advice to one another but it is so hard to apply iy ourselves. You are doing so good and makes me proud that a fellow has that possitivity of at least minimizing these events. Keep it up.
I did it three times today and I don't want to get ill, I have a baby whose life is in my care until he grows old and I want to live to see him make a family. My struggle is because I was very fit though always had bulimia since I was 14,now I am 25, and with my pregnancy I gained baby pounds, my body is different and my fiancee loves fit tight girls, he used to look them up online because it was his fantasy and i felt like a butterball, I told him and after a third chance I gave him he has really stop watching these sites. But I still feel so disgusting, besides that I am going thorugh many issues, I wished I can pour it out, but this is the only thing that makes me relieve my anxieties and keeps my weight in check. Your postings help me out by giving me strenght. You are a wonderful girl...continue your successfulness in finding the real you, feeling urself again..
God bless and keep posting ↑
|Name: Piscis81 | Date: Oct 21st, 2006 5:06 AM|
|I jsut read back my posting, sorry about the misspelling but I try to type fast so he does not see it. He thinks I am over it. ↑|
|Name: mere81 | Date: Oct 24th, 2006 10:57 PM|
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