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Name: Catwoman
[ Original Post ]
Things have been going rather good in my progress of recovering from anorexia. Ok, my eating isn't exactly what it should be, but I don't feel as guilty when I eat as I used to and I'm trying to eat more.

Although I've not gained a lot of weight yet (gained about 2kgs in the past 3 months), I'm starting to see change in my body and it's freaking me out at the moment. Most of the time I'm able to deal with it, but lately I just feel FAT. My rational brain tells me I'm imagining it and it's part of the process, but especially my stomach is bothering me at the moment!

It's not huge, but I'm so used to seeing my hipbones that anything else freaks me out! I hate it! I know I have to gain weight, but not coping very well at the moment. And I DON'T want to start eating less again, because it would mean I'm taking a step back in my recovery! I DON'T want to go that road again!
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Name: ally murphy | Date: Jan 18th, 2007 10:31 AM
Try working out.
It does help so much.
Coz if you feel bad then hit the gym and work it out in there.

Just eat salads.
I know you can do it catwoman.
And remember it takes a long time.

Dont be to harsh on yourself. 

Name: Catwoman | Date: Jan 18th, 2007 10:42 AM
Thanx hey! Well, I go to gym every second day- do bit on the treadmill and an hour lifting weights. So I know that my weight gain is mostly muscle, but it's still difficult to come to terms with gaining weight.

The thing is also that I've started to actually enjoy eating again. Luckily I don't binge and have never thrown up, but sometimes I still feel guilty about what I eat.

I've developed a love for sushi, and although I know it's very healthy, I still feel guilty if I've eaten it. I usually don't want to stop, but force myself after 6 pieces, 7 max.

Luckily gym does make me feel better, but sometimes it's not enough. Trying not to look into the mirror, but it's still hard! 

Name: lucie | Date: Jan 18th, 2007 11:14 AM
hi catwomen,
yeah going to the gym will ensure weight gain is due to muscle. Its best to hit the gym as early in the day as you can so your metabloism is high for the rest of the day.

I currently go to the gym 3 times a week and can burn up to 1000 cals. The cross trainer is really good if i do 25mins on there i burn 400cals! 

Name: ally murphy | Date: Jan 18th, 2007 11:20 AM
Im starting to recover from belimia and i am finding it so hard.
Im 20 in april.

I can sort of see the light at the end but i know its a very very long way away.

The only people that know is my boyfriend and a friend i met on here called Lucie.
She has been brill support.

I understand how you feel.
Each time i eat i feel horrible that i have eaten.

Prehaps we can help each other abit.
I know that it helps to be there i was trying to with Lucie but failed and now Lucie is starting to make me see that food if its healthy isn't that bad.

I love sushi also and it is so healthy.

If you say thats all i want then stick to it then in time increase it a little at a time.

I hope this helps. 

Name: Catwoman | Date: Jan 18th, 2007 11:38 AM
Thanx for the encouragement and support Ally and Lucie- means a lot!

I mainly gym to build a bit muscle and feel better about myself. So it's not actually about burning calories. Actually, according to my psycologist, I mustn't try to burn calories. I'm 1.73m and weigh about 43kgs (94 pounds about), so I need to gain weight. So that's why I don't actually do much cardio. Gym also helps to increase my resting metabolism rate, so I actually don't feel so full after eating!

Although we don't have the same problem, I think we have a lot of similarities and we can definitely help each other. I'm also starting to realise that 'food is my friend' and that nothing in moderation will make me fat. 

Name: ally murphy | Date: Jan 18th, 2007 11:55 AM
I know we arnt the same but we ccan still offer each other support.

Its only lucie that has made me realise that food isn't bad.

It will just take time as you know.
You cant rush these things.

How old are you if you dont mind me asking? 


Name: Catwoman | Date: Jan 18th, 2007 12:02 PM
Yeah, it's great to realise that I've made some progress. Although I still have LOTS of bad days, at least I'm taking baby steps at a time and it's FORWARD, not backwards.

The thing is, I've been battling with pure anorexia for 4 years now. I'm 22 now. I've been through rehab twice with my lowest weight at 33 kgs (72 pounds)- literally at death's door. My whole life lies ahead of me and it's time now to get rid of this. I hope you guys feel the same!

Ally and Lucie, how old are you and where do you stay?

If you want to, you can e-mail me at [email protected] Would love to chat! 

Name: ally murphy | Date: Jan 18th, 2007 12:13 PM
You are doing great and makiing great progress. you should be proud of yourself well done.

I have me ED for 7 years now and my lowest weight was 5st and im 5'4 its very small but i wanted to be smaller.

Im 20 and really wasnt to stop.I live in the UK.
What about you?

Yer i will email you.
Mine is [email protected]
feel free to email me anytime 

Name: Catwoman | Date: Jan 18th, 2007 12:26 PM
It sounds like you are also doing well. Remember, even if your progress is very slow and you're taking baby steps at a time, you WILL get there! One day you will look back on all of this and think what the hell?!! :-)

What is your weight in metres and weight in kgs? I'm from South Africa, so I'm not used to stone and inches.

Are you bulimic, anorexic or both. So nice to know I've found someone that understands! Thanx! 

Name: ally murphy | Date: Jan 18th, 2007 12:33 PM
My weight is 45kg and height is 1.524m.
I think thats right i went on to a conversion site.

Im bulimic but when i tried to stop about 2 months ago i went the other way and didn't eat full stop.

I know it takes ages but i want it to happen now.

Thanx 

Name: lucie | Date: Jan 18th, 2007 12:59 PM
im 19 and recovering from bulimia with the support off Bulimia.
And yes i am looking back and thinking why the hell did i do that what is the point!

i used to make myself sick once a day and like 5 times a day on the weekend at my worst and slowly i reduced how many time i made myself sick then i was just ready to stop and i have.

Yeah i have bad days but realise i cannot take things out on myself by being sick. I am stronger than this illness and i have a whole life ahead of me that i plan to live to the full!

lucie 

Name: lucie | Date: Jan 18th, 2007 12:59 PM
soz i meant im recovering with the help of Ally lol! 

Name: Catwoman | Date: Jan 18th, 2007 12:59 PM
How's your eating now? I'm so glad that I've never tried to throw up, because listening to those who do, I get really scared. It sounds like hell. I try to eat 3 'meals' a day and one or 2 snacks and occasionally I eat more, but I never binge. Will feel too guilty!

I know, I also want to happen now, but honey, it will take time to undo the damage that you've done the past 7 years. So just be patient and will come! 

Name: Catwoman | Date: Jan 18th, 2007 1:01 PM
Lucie, I'm very proud of you for coming so far! Reading your comments on this site, it sounds like you're really committed. Don't worry if you sometimes 'fail'- it's part of the process. As long as you get up every time you fall, you will get there eventually! 

Name: ally murphy | Date: Jan 18th, 2007 1:09 PM
You idiot lucie.lol 

Name: ally murphy | Date: Jan 18th, 2007 1:10 PM
It is hard.
And i no it will take a while but i cant wait.
I get really down coz its taking so long.
And i also know i will suffer for the rest of my life. 

Name: lucie | Date: Jan 18th, 2007 1:21 PM
yeah im not giving up at all, i just remeber how nasty bile tastes and how yuo teeth leave marks on the back of your hands.

All the lying being secretive and decetfull is nasty and the last couple of days i have reached another stage.

I ACCEPT ME FOR ME!!!

i love my body, my life and im proud! i have accepted me atlast and i have waited for this day for so long 

Name: Catwoman | Date: Jan 18th, 2007 1:23 PM
True, true- it will always be a coping mechanism when the going gets tough. But now you have me (and Lucie still) to talk to whenever you feel down or demotivated! 

Name: Catwoman | Date: Jan 18th, 2007 1:25 PM
You go Lucie! Great place to be at! I'm still working towards it. Unfortunately, I must admit sometimes I'm still secretive about what I eat, but I'm learning that honesty is the best way and lies always have a way of coming back to bite you in the ass! 

Name: ally murphy | Date: Jan 18th, 2007 1:26 PM
Thank you catwoman. 

Name: lucie | Date: Jan 18th, 2007 2:40 PM
yeah i still dislike eating infront of people because i get paranoid that they are analysing exactly what i eat.

but i spose it bothers me more when my mom trys to ask what i have been eating i just get really cold about it. 

Name: ally murphy | Date: Jan 18th, 2007 2:46 PM
When i eat even with Nath i cover my mouth up with my hand he geys really pissed off and tries to move my hand. 

Name: ally murphy | Date: Jan 18th, 2007 2:51 PM
Thats what i dont like people judging me. 

Name: Catwoman | Date: Jan 18th, 2007 3:14 PM
The feeling will last as long as you keep going forward. I know it feels great. Although people can't see I've gained weight, I know that I'm eating more and that I'm slowly gaining and that's all that matters to me! I know what's true, what I'm eating and that I'm making progress!

Although it's getting easier, I still have a hard time eating with my parents- usually I eat alone in my room. Trying to break the habit, but don't know how. Our eating times are also not the same. 

Name: ally murphy | Date: Jan 18th, 2007 3:24 PM
How tall are you? 

Name: Catwoman | Date: Jan 18th, 2007 3:25 PM
1.72m. Don't know how much in inches or whatever 

Name: lucie | Date: Jan 18th, 2007 3:25 PM
yeah i am never at home when evryone else is eating their dinner i am still at work or at the gym so i usually put something together myself.

I just hope someday my mom will 100% trust me 

Name: ally murphy | Date: Jan 18th, 2007 3:25 PM
Sorry ignor that just found it. 

Name: ally murphy | Date: Jan 18th, 2007 3:26 PM
My mum still doesn't know. 

Name: ally murphy | Date: Jan 18th, 2007 3:26 PM
I cant spell today dumb ass. 

Name: Catwoman | Date: Jan 18th, 2007 3:32 PM
For most meals my mom are at work or I'm at work so it's not much of a problem. Luckily they've gotten used to me not eating with them, but it bothers me, because I know it's not normal. Can't even get myself to have a braai with them over the weekend.

I still struggle to eat 'dinner'- don't like eating a big meal, which my mom doesn't understand. So I usually pretend I eat a big meal, but lately I don't care what she thinks I eat. At least I'm eating something and it's something I like 

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