i feel so lost right now. i've had an eating disorder for 3 years. i'm tired. i'm weak. i want it to end! i hate being so scared to take risks or actually live my life. i'm 17 and i live with my aunt and uncle now. my mom used to abuse me and tell me how worthless i was mostly everyday. i couldnt take it anymore. i didn't know i had an eating disorder then.
i had my worries. but i thought my problems revolved around my mom. now that i'm away from her. its like i'm still living in my own isolated hell. this hell of fear and disgust of what people might see me as. i have a whole team of doctors and professionals helping me get better, yet i still feel alone. i hate myself and what others might see. i was starting to overcome my eating disorder about a month ago. i hadn't purged or restricted for a good while and i thought "this is it, this is the end of my nightmare." but it didn't end there. i started dating this guy and it slowly krept back. now i'm worse than before and scared of what might happen if i never stop. i feel so weak after every night of purging...after the days of not eating. why can't i just be comfortable with who i am? i'm scared to share the real me. and i'm afraid this boy i'm dating...or anyone else for that matter, will never get to see the REAL ME. the one i never let out. the one i hide away and punish day to day. it isn't fair to her. it isn't fair to me! i want be free from all this. i want to let go one day and just be done. how do i do that? how do i stop? please, if anyone has any advice, i'd be so grateful.... ↓