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| Name: krazykaseyusaf | Date: Oct 20th, 2006 9:47 PM |
| don;t ever be ashamed of your body you are beautiful and very smart to come to this website and ask for help. If you become anorexic you will become very sick don't do that to yourself. get involed with sports and clubs and you will do find. the thing that helped me over my anorexia was music... let it heal your soul and you wil be strong. ↑ |
| Name: miahimia | Date: Oct 20th, 2006 10:47 PM |
| Dont do it! Trust me I am 16 and have gone down that path. I know you feel insacure about yourself but dont damage your body. There are other ways, can you talk to your mom or docter about the way you feel. Here is my story, and you are beautiful. Thanksgiving, a time when families all over America gather around the dinner table, bowing there heads in silence as they give thanks to the Lord. That leaves selfish, ungrateful, and bratty me, looking towards the heavens, scowling. I never thought I’d have a thanksgiving dinner that didn’t taste good. Nurse Alice brought me fish-fish-instead of turkey! Lumpy sweet potatoes, string bean and a role. My usual cranberry sauce replaced with astro-pack grape jelly. “Yum”. Thrusting my tray away I mumble to nurse Alice, “I’ll take the boost.” She sighs but doesn’t protest as she leans over to collect my tray. I don’t think she blames me, faced with the decision she would have probably taken the boost too. Anyways the boost isn’t half bad, well, compared with being tubed that is. Flopping back onto the pillows I close my eye and take a deep breath. The smell of doctors, latex gloves, and disinfect spray fills my lungs. Hospitalized for an eating disorder my heart rate dropped to around thirty beats a minute. For the last week in a half I’d been lying in this room wearing nothing but the oh so elegant scrubs, Tubes and needles going in and out of holes in my transparent skin. My body eating away at my heart and muscles. In the months before my hospitalization I struggled with depression, triggered by an incident from my childhood: Child molestation by a family friend. The abuse caused me a great deal of pain, anger and self-hatred. I kept all my feelings bottled up inside me, unable to acknowledge the hurt and pain which dwelled within me. If I could just ignore the pain, maybe this feeling of emptiness would disintegrate. Suppressing my emotions only made the situation worse, never had I experienced such a feeling of loneliness. In an attempt to comfort me, Dad would wrap me in an embrace. Only to be shaken off by my push and screams, “Don’t touch me!” I had lost trust in all males, and whenever approached by one I became edgy and timid. With each passing day my life felt more out of control as I tried to juggle all my emotions while still going to school, dealing with my fellow students and watching as the incident hit the news. Friends and family began to see a change in me and they never seemed to fail to mention it. Their comments hurt, but I realized that my friends and family only wonted the old me back. “No longer do you have that fiery spark in your eyes” one of my friend’s moms had told me. It was hard enough on everyone as it was, they had their own emotional problems to deal with, they didn’t need to worry about me as well. Something had to be done. This burden was mine; to lay my sorrows on them would be cruel. Hiding behind a fake smile I went about my day. But at night, lying alone in my bed, the pain washed over me until it was unbearable and I would cry myself to sleep. I desperately needed to talk to someone, but I wouldn’t allow myself to acknowledge any pain. By ignoring the pain I thought I could some how avoid experiencing it. What I did not realize was that I would eventually have to deal with the emotions I had locked away. A mixture of emotions sat brewing in my body cage, a volcano on the verge of eruption. And I did erupt, all the pain, anger and confusion I had felt now came bubbling up in an eating disorder. Never did I mean to hurt my self, or even lose weight; in fact for a while I convinced my self that what I was doing was actually healthy. An addiction had formed, and I soon began starving myself. Starving myself aloud me to feel a different kind of pain, one that was easier to handle than the emotional pain I was feeling. Soon my thought revolved only around food; no longer did I have to deal with the pain of the past. A sense of control washed over me, as I took my eating disorder farter and farther. My weight dropped drastically. Pulling a towel off of the rack I began drying my hair, to my horror I pulled away a clump of hair from my scalp. Looking towards the mirror I saw my reflection. Dark circles had formed under my eyes and, my cheekbones were popping out of transparent skin. That was when I realized just how thin I really was. Tiered of being bruising easily, feeling cold all the time and the feeling of dizziness which washed over me every time I stood up, I decided I wonted to get better and rid my self of this eating disorder. It wasn’t that simple though. I wonted to get rid of the negative affects but I wasn’t willing to give up my sense of control. Eating again meant I would no longer endure the physical pain, however, that meant dealing with a greater pain, the emotional pain I had worked so hard to avoid. By that time I had grown so frail that I was hospitalized because my heart rate had dropped to 30 beats a minute. As soon as my heart rate went back up I was admitted to the out patient eating disorder program, were I worked to get my weight back up. My parents sought out a counselor for me. This was the first step in what has become a long and bumpy road. “Why don’t you use the voice God gave you, instead of your body to tell me your hurting?” My counselor helped me through the pain I had been dealing with. Eventually I was able to let go of the burden and shame I had felt, and vowed that I would no longer let the shadow of the past rule over my life. I still get depressed sometimes and I’m not yet confidently one hundred percent sure of who I am. But I am on the road to recovery, and for the first time in a long time I am determined to live my life. Ending up with this eating disorder was the worst thing to happen to me, but it was the best thing to happen to my family because it brought us closer together. With the love and support I receive daily from friends and family I know I will over come this struggle. ↑ |
