the last wekk or so as there are millions of changes in my life, ive been dreaming and waking up with the dreded thoughts of 'make yourself sick today lucie, go on'
well today when i got up, i thought no way im starting my brand new job monday, this behaviour has got to take a back seat again, ive done it before i can do it again.
So i had some lunch when i got up really late today! got my gym clothes on and starting driving to the gym, but that voice and thoughts were telling me to binge and purge after the gym, then it felt more urgent like i needed to do it asap. So i drove straight past the gym, i was just constantly smoking to try and take my mind off things.
then i thought, ok i wont go to the gym and i wont binge/purge. to cut a long story short i drove round in like a big circle for 2 hours. i started heading to the shop for binge food, then i would turn round to gym, then start to drive home, and i just kept repeating this over and over.
My feelings got more messed up when a male friend of mine started texting saying he was kicked out of home. so once again i had someone elses problems to add to my list.
Well i calmed my friend down on the phone, got home and i still had the greatest urge to binge and throw up so i just sat on my bed watching the clock, then pacing to the living room and back and for over an hour i was just weighing up the reasons to and not to binge / purge. i have never felt as bad as this. I felt so angry, i felt like my blood was boiling so aggitated and annoyed.
so i got in my car and just started driving and smoking lots. i was getting calmer while driving, but the rush hour traffic was annoying me now. so i said to myself right i can either binge/ purge spend tonight ,,,,a friday night doing that or i can treat myself to something from the chippy and go out tonight.
and i chose not to. so i grabbed a kebab from the chippy and ive came back and just typing out all my feelings on here and i will go out later.
i have calmed down so much now. My feelings are hurting abit though because one of my bestest friends who knows exactly what im going through, well i havent been able to ask her for help or to talk.
im too ashamed to admit to her that ive failed again,
i feel too disgusted in myself too much to ask her for her supportive words.
i feel like a waste of space too much to put the weight of this on her shoulders.
but i feel so alone............... ↓
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