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Name: lucie_ann
[ Original Post ]
the last wekk or so as there are millions of changes in my life, ive been dreaming and waking up with the dreded thoughts of 'make yourself sick today lucie, go on'

well today when i got up, i thought no way im starting my brand new job monday, this behaviour has got to take a back seat again, ive done it before i can do it again.
So i had some lunch when i got up really late today! got my gym clothes on and starting driving to the gym, but that voice and thoughts were telling me to binge and purge after the gym, then it felt more urgent like i needed to do it asap. So i drove straight past the gym, i was just constantly smoking to try and take my mind off things.

then i thought, ok i wont go to the gym and i wont binge/purge. to cut a long story short i drove round in like a big circle for 2 hours. i started heading to the shop for binge food, then i would turn round to gym, then start to drive home, and i just kept repeating this over and over.

My feelings got more messed up when a male friend of mine started texting saying he was kicked out of home. so once again i had someone elses problems to add to my list.

Well i calmed my friend down on the phone, got home and i still had the greatest urge to binge and throw up so i just sat on my bed watching the clock, then pacing to the living room and back and for over an hour i was just weighing up the reasons to and not to binge / purge. i have never felt as bad as this. I felt so angry, i felt like my blood was boiling so aggitated and annoyed.

so i got in my car and just started driving and smoking lots. i was getting calmer while driving, but the rush hour traffic was annoying me now. so i said to myself right i can either binge/ purge spend tonight ,,,,a friday night doing that or i can treat myself to something from the chippy and go out tonight.

and i chose not to. so i grabbed a kebab from the chippy and ive came back and just typing out all my feelings on here and i will go out later.

i have calmed down so much now. My feelings are hurting abit though because one of my bestest friends who knows exactly what im going through, well i havent been able to ask her for help or to talk.
im too ashamed to admit to her that ive failed again,
i feel too disgusted in myself too much to ask her for her supportive words.
i feel like a waste of space too much to put the weight of this on her shoulders.
but i feel so alone...............
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Name: Gill | Date: Nov 16th, 2008 9:31 PM
well done firstly in getting that job!!your obviously not a waste of space if you can manage that!!! ive actually done that exact cycle of driving to the gym....then said naah ill go to the shop ...then said no no just go home ..dont buy anything..then somehow found myself at the gym again!the whole time at the gym id be thinking about what id buy at the shop but then id run and buy a smoothie and say no this is good for me so its staying in me!if anyone could have seen us doing that ''not-so-fun-run''they'd think we were nutters!
you should just tell your friend about your slip...because thats all it was.....you havent lost...your trying and thats what matters!she will understand...
if you want to talk about it at all then keep writing on this site because its a great way of getting things off your chest!
also before you binge..(this is what i try to do anyway)write down on paper all the dangerous and disgusting effects that this ed has..for example:rotten teeth,holes in stomach,excess hair,ms,brittle bones,loads of different vitamin deficiencies..sudden deathe syndrome from strain on the heart!!....the list goes on...now just look at the list...next ,i say to myself what would i prefer...to be getting healthy with a bar of chocolate (or two)in me thats not life threatening or to spend the next hour bingeing and getting sick!???rotting teeth vs puttting on a pound or two??
i really hope this helps you....if you want to talk ill be here!!!x 

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