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Name: molly-may
[ Original Post ]
This may have nothing to do with the "moms with teens" category but I am hoping someone can help me out here. I have been dating this man for about a month. He is the best man I have ever dated, I can see us with a future someday and so can he. We had the "baby talk" the other day and he thought about it for a day and decided he doesn't want children. I know it is to soon to have the talk, but we wanted to know where each of us stood on the topic. He said he is too selfesh to have a child and he said he doesn't really like them. I have wanted children since I was a kid, I know that I really want one some day. He said he doesn't know what he will feel like in a year or so, but for right now he doesn't want any. He is 9 years older then me, which doesn't help, we have everything in common except for the "baby thing". I am only 25, but I am established in my career and I have everything I want in life, house, car, money, I just want a child......can someone please help me.
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Name: Lizzi | Date: Sep 11th, 2006 1:49 PM
It's good that he's giving you honesty,but don't rule it out completely yet. I mean even he said he didn't know how he would feel in a year right? Since you've only been dating a month,just give him some time to get used to the idea. Don't bring it up all the time but occassionally when you see a cute baby somewhere when you're together,say to him,"awww! Look at that baby! Isn't he/she beautiful?!!" Maybe once he sees how you "melt" around babies,and once you're together longer and even more in love,maybe he just might come around and give you what you want! 

Name: rain | Date: Sep 11th, 2006 4:54 PM
Be as honest with him as he is with you. Let him know that you want children. Some where along the way you will come to a conclusion. 

Name: Lovemylife | Date: Sep 11th, 2006 7:44 PM
Hi Molly-may,

As you said, it is way too early to have that talk. I have been with my boyfriend for five years and when we first started dating he didn't know how to cook, refused to clean, hated pets.and now he's a contributing member who cooks and cleans..we also have TWO cats! I think one month is even too soon for the "love word". I would enjoy your relationship because it is relatively new..but remember that when someone loves you..they will do incredible things for the sake of your happiness...don't push the issue because he might feel that it becomes a pressure and creating a baby of love should not be under the wrong circumstances. All the best... I LOVE MY LIFE! 

Name: Lynne n | Date: Sep 11th, 2006 9:25 PM
You say that you have only been with this man about a month,well i hate to say it but he dosent sound like he is going to change his mind.
He is 9 years older than you so that would make him 33!
I guess what i am saying is that you know this now and you are still young enough to find someone who wants the same things as you,i know you probley have strong feelings for this man but if you stay with him expecting him to change his mind then you might have a long wait!
And it might cause problems later down the line when it is much harder to end a reltionship.
Put it this way the whole idea of dating is to find the right man for you,a bit like finding a pair of shoes that fit!
Dont waste your life hoping to change this man's idea's about having children it sounds like he has made up his mind!
Get back out there nad find someone who wants the same things as you!
Good luck with what ever happens! 

Name: molly-may | Date: Sep 13th, 2006 10:53 AM
Thanks everyone for your advice. I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. I thought about breaking up with him, but that made me even more unhappy. Trust me I have dated a lot of men, but he is different. We spoke about it last night and decided to drop the issue altogether and down the road we will weigh out the options and go from there. I don't love this man yet, but he is perfect for me, we are on the same level and he would do anything for me. I think I will let things pan out for themselves and hope for the best. 

Name: Lynne n | Date: Sep 13th, 2006 6:33 PM
Well good luck the descion is yours i hope you work things out! 

Name: bladerunnerx16 | Date: Sep 16th, 2006 1:00 AM
love finds a way, some people change

that song was just on my radio and I thought it would make sense in this post ..... 

Name: Steph | Date: Oct 12th, 2006 2:55 PM
stick with it for now.. and think of it this way neither of my parent wanted children and ended up with four.. goodluck 

Name: molly-may | Date: Oct 12th, 2006 5:10 PM
Thanks for all the responses. We were talking the other day before bed and I mentioned to him that since I met him I find myself doing the things he likes, like buying underwear that he likes on me, and things like that. So he said he will give me anything I want, so I asked if I have to have it now or can I have it later, and he said that I can have it whenever I want. So I told him that I want kids. He said that we will have kids. He said that he knows it is something that I want more than anything and he can give it to me. He said that he loves me and he will do anything to make me happy. So I know how much it took for him to say it because I know how much he doesn't like children. That night was the night I told him I loved him. I thought that was the most romantic night ever! 

Name: lindalu | Date: Oct 12th, 2006 6:24 PM
Good thing he is only a boyfriend and you arnt married, it will make it much easier for breaking up. I dont mean that in a sarcastic way eather, I just mean to say you have only been with this person for a month. It is possible that when your relationship gets deeper he may change his mind. But do you want to wait and see? then you will have deeper feelings for him and it will make it much harder. 

Name: molly-may | Date: Oct 13th, 2006 11:05 AM
I don't plan on leaving him and he was serious about children. He knows how much it means to me and he said that he would do it. If he didn't want to then he wouldn't, trust me he is really stubborn, so when he says something then he will stick with it. I would never think of leaving him, he has to be the nicest man I have ever met and I love him to death and he loves me....I would have to say that he is my soul mate. 

Name: Paula55 | Date: Oct 14th, 2007 6:15 PM
Are you freaking kidding me? You're deliberately picking a man for a father who doesn't even like kids? That's not romantic, that's irresponsible and extremely stupid. That man is old enough to know he doesn't like or want kids! And yet, you decide he's father material? I'm not saying he's a bad guy at all. Lots of people don't want kids. But they're not people you ought to have kids with! For SO many reasons. The fact that you have chosen to have kids with a man who has told you he doesn't like them and doesn't want them tells me that you are NO WAY mature enough yourself to be having kids. You're a kid yourself to be thinking this irresponsibly. Not to mention the fact that you've only known him a month. You need to grow up before you start popping out kids. And he's an idiot if he decides to have kids despite not wanting them just to make a girl he's known for one month shut up about it. 

Name: molly-may | Date: Oct 15th, 2007 3:36 PM
Paula55 - First of all this man is soon to be my husband, and since you can't look at the post date, then you would know that it was a year ago. For starters I am very mature, and just because I want a child does not make me a child myself. He does want children now and we are planning on trying for a family in 2009. So don't get nasty and rude with me for a problem I had a year ago. 

Name: Paula55 | Date: Oct 15th, 2007 4:16 PM
You want children very badly. He doesn't even want them or like them. You are creating a future disaster for those kids. This won't last. I'm not trying to be nasty. I'm trying to wake you up, for the childrens' sake. It's not fair to pick for a father a man who doesn't want them. 

Name: molly-may | Date: Oct 15th, 2007 4:31 PM
He is actually spending more time with his neice and nephew. He is concerned his nephew doesn't like him, so he started spending more time and doing more things with them. We are waiting on children because we have planned a trip and once we get back we will try. He is the type of man that if he doesn't want something then you can't force him to do it, but he changed his mind about children. He is actually planning our childs future, setting up a bank account for him/her. I would not be marrying this man if he didn't want children. We finally sat down a long time ago and I told him that I didn't know if I should stay with him because he didn't want children, in turn he said he didn't realize how much I really wanted them. We are doing our "single" things now so we will be ready in thr future for children. 

Name: Gothique81 | Date: Oct 19th, 2007 4:24 AM

I am the main reason for this resurrected thread. I am doing research for a paper about why some women meet a man and then become baby obsessed and wedding crazy instantaneously. I was going through Google and there was a link to this thread and your first post echoed the type of subject I was interested in. I posted the link to a forum I frequent and one of the members decided to comment on it. I was going to register and post a follow up question since it was perfect timing that it happened to be exactly a year later.

One of my friends was in the exact same boat as you. They had the baby talk two months in and he didn't want kids. After enough nagging he finally said he really wanted children since it would make her happy and he said he felt ready to be a good father. He did the same thing such as setting up a bank account and spending thousands on the perfect nursery. After 2 years she finally got pregnant and they had a son.

Well a year later he left her a single mother and he hasn't seen his kid in almost a year. Turns out he really didn't want to be a father after all because he just assumed she would take care of everything and he would just provide for her and the kid. After all SHE'S the one who really wanted the kid not him. When I ran into him soon after he left he said the only reason he gave her a kid was to shut her up because it was the only thing she talked about. He even said flat out to me that he always knew that if fatherhood wasn't what he expected that he could just walk out. This guy was also the perfect gentleman to her and gave her the world and took her on great trips. She would gush all the time that he was her soul mate and they had a wonderful future together.

You're only a year into this relationship and already you're getting married and planning babies. Whatever happened to just enjoying your self and taking it day by day? It just reeks of desperation in my opinion. 

Name: molly-may | Date: Oct 25th, 2007 3:07 PM
To Gothique81 - I am not desperate at all. Why wouldn't I have the "baby" talk with someone that I am dating. I wanted to know where he stood on the subject. Why date someone for years and years and then bang your married and then when I ask if he wants kids and he says no, not only have I wasted years of my life but I will be getting divorced. We are getting married because we love each other, not because I am wedding crazy, but because he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. At no point have I begged him on the subject as well as the kid subject we don't even bring up anymore. I am not in a rush to have children, we are going to wait a while to start a family - if I decide I want a family. Things change and who's to say that I want children anymore. We are happy with our lives and if he felt I was pushing him or even giving him an ultimatum, he would not be with me, because he doesn't take crap off women. So am I desperate, no, am I wedding crazy or baby crazy - no. You really need to know someone before you can critize them. 

Name: daisy255 | Date: Oct 26th, 2007 9:46 PM
dump him. you should find a man that wants the same thing 

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