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Name: lindalu
[ Original Post ]
Am I wrong to feel I am beeing held hostage by my daughter? She is 20 years old, she was born with a spinal cord injury. The injury left her un able to walk ,bathe,dress ect. I have always cared for her my self with no help from others. My husband and I decited we wold buy a larger house one that could provide her with her own private living quarters. After all she has been complaining she didnt have enouph privacy. We assisted her in hireing help, some one who could come each day to help her with her daily needs. Wow!!! for me that felt like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders, after all I have been doing nothing but care for her for almost 21 years. It did seem wonderfull to think about possibly going in to the work field. Well that ended when my daughter fired the girl because she was not dependable. I have been asking her for months to find a replacement. She has done nothing. It is begining to cause a lot of stress, I am tired and I dont want to do it any more. I have told her this, she says I know but still she does nothing about it. I do feel I am beeing held prisoner by her. I know I may sound selfish saying I dont want to care for her any more but it is starting to take a toll on me. I dont want to seem like the bad guy and keep harping on her, but I dont know how to get her to listen.
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Name: Livy | Date: Jul 14th, 2006 8:07 PM
i don't know where you live or if this would even be possible, but have you thought abuot some kind of assisted living arrangment? That way she would feel pretty indepedent, you wouldn't feel tied down and she would still get the hlep she needed. Does she have a job? If she could help pay for that kind of care she might appreciate it more and might feel moer like an adult. Most states have liek a hospice care system through the government. You should check around at local government offices and see what can be done, sometimes the government will help pay for in -home care. I know this becuase I helped care for an independent adult male who was paraplegic. He was a professor and owned his own house and lived alone. There were about 3 of us who would go in eery morning and night to help him bathe, dress etc. Good luck. Don't feel like a bad person, even with family it is a hard situation and it is easy to feel discouraged and resentful. Good luck! 

Name: lindalu | Date: Jul 14th, 2006 8:52 PM
Livy, My daughter has been provided with all she needs to lead a independant life. At this time she chooses to live at home, she has a 3 room apartment in the basement of our new home. It has its own entrance and a huge bathroom. Her father and I even purchased her a power ramp van so if she needs or wants to go some where. She is recieving assistance from the state to pay for personal care. That is why I get so angry with her she has the assistance to pay for an aid but is takeing her jolly time to find one. In the mean time I am still careing for all her needs and getting verry stressed. 

Name: lindalu | Date: Jul 14th, 2006 8:54 PM
I forgot to mention she is still attending collage. She has her associates in graphic art & design and will be going on to obtain her batchelors. 

Name: Lizzi | Date: Jul 15th, 2006 2:59 AM
Put her in an assisted living home. I'm assuming she gets disability payments? Check around and see if an assisted living place could take her in. Being a caregiver is really an exhausting job,I used to take care of my grandfather who had diabetes,arthritis,alzheimers,and wore diapers. He needed nearly everything done for him. Please do the assisted living thing for yourself as well as for your daughter. Your daughter needs to realize that as much as you love her,you are worn out and need to regain a life of your own again. She will probably be angry for awhile but once she is used to it you will probably both be happier people. 

Name: lindalu | Date: Jul 15th, 2006 3:53 AM
I do kid around with her and tell her I am going to put her in a nursing home if she doesnt get on the ball. The hole problem with having her go to an assisted living is 1) it is verry expensive 2) almost all the people in assisted living are elderly and I cant make her live with the elderly she is only 20. 3) she is just as normal as any other girl her age she just needs help with daily needs. I dont want to place her out side the home I just would like her to hurry up and hire a pca. 

Name: Denise | Date: Jul 15th, 2006 3:56 AM
I am so sorry for what you have been through. Is she your only child? I couldn't imagine being put through so much stress and to know how many years you have done this by yourself is remarkable. I don't think I would have been so brave. You are a great mother and will be rewarded some day for your efforts. As for your daughter, she has to realize she can't depend on you for everything anymore. You might just have to come up with some excuse why you can't do it anymore without hurting her feelings. You have paid your dues by far. She is a grown women now, and if she can go to college, then it is time that she take the responsibility to get some help. This is for her own good, because you will not always be there in the future and she needs to learn now. Have you tried an agency like Interim Health Care. They send a variety of CNA's and RN's to homes and have 24 hour care? 

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