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Name: Julia
[ Original Post ]
Please let me know if anyone is or has gone through this similiar problem. My husband is a great papa, without a doubt, but I feel he is way too hard on our 6 year old daughter. It almost seems like he wants the "perfect" kid. For example- At dinner his rules are so extreme, if my daughter gets up once for more water, or another napkin, etc. he get's so upset! I understand we want to teach her good table manners and she does have them, but to get up for more water? He claims we need to stay at the table until dinner is done. I guess I am just more laid back in that respect and do not fret over such things (maybe I should I don't know). Or another example is, before dinner we like her to put her hair back because it is long and it gets in her food. If she forgets to do it, he gets so mad at her, and hassles her for it, when I just say, well go get a clip then and sit down. These are just a couple examples, there are a lot more simple things he gets on her case over, but I will not bore you with all of them. It just seems he gets so bothered and bitches at her for minor things and it's really wearing on me. When I try to talk to him about how he needs to let up on her a little bit, he always has a negative response in regards to her. Is this normal? She is such a great kid, very respectful, very sweet, well mannered, etc. This is why I get so upset. I almost wonder if he is getting jealous of our closeness since I have been with her full time. I worked full time not that long ago, and I thought about it, and he was not strict like this then? What do you think? Is it normal to react this way, or is he being too strict? All I know is, I am so tired of hearing him nag her. :( Other than that, he is a great papa, so I do not mean to bad mouth him, this is just reality and hopefully it will get better as she gets older. Any thoughts??
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Name: Fiona | Date: Jul 14th, 2006 8:27 AM
Yeah, it sounds like he's being too strict. If he carries on like this then she'll get really p*ssed off and start to ignore EVERYTHING that he tells her!!!

He should chill out - don't sweat the small stuff etc.....

Nagging kids doesn't work - it backfires in the end. Tell him to get off her case or he's storing up trouble for the future!!! 

Name: rain | Date: Jul 14th, 2006 12:03 PM
Explain to Dad you want to try something new. Say WE ( this way he wont get defensive)have been really nagging the little one lately, and I read about a parenting tip. Here is how it works. Instead of nagging 100 times you forgot to pull your hair back, wait until she is seated and has remembered to pull her hair back, say, Wow, I like it when you pull your hair back before dinner. Good Job!! Instead of seeing all the wrong she does, catch her behaving well doing the right thing, and donít forget, to say, I like it when you do that! GOOD JOB! It works, but only if you go out of your way to catch her being good. You can tell a kid 30 times to do something, it seems, but tell them one time, you like it when they do that, and Bam, they are repeating it all the time just to get that praise.
Print this out and place it where he will find it. I received this poem from my doctor when I was expecting. That was 20 years ago, but I remembered it when I read your post. Thanks for reminding me of these meaningful words. I placed them on the refrigerator and in the baby books. Hope this helps.
Children Learn What They Live
By Dorothy Law Nolte
If children live with criticism,
They learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility,
They learn to fight.
If children live with ridicule,
They learn to be shy.
If children live with shame,
They learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement,
They learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance,
They learn to be patient.
If children live with praise,
They learn to appreciate.
If children live with acceptance,
They learn to love.
If children live with approval,
They learn to like themselves.
If children live with honesty,
They learn truthfulness.
If children live with security,
They learn to have faith in them-
selves and others.
If children live with friendliness,
They learn the world is a nice
place in which to live.
Ė Dorothy Law Nolte
Copyright © 1972/1975 

Name: Lynne n | Date: Jul 14th, 2006 1:27 PM
It is a bit strict, my dad is silly and has just said have you tried shaving her head! lol lol
Maybe you should have her ask if she can get down from the table that is always good manners!
But yes your husband is going over the top! 

Name: EthansMom0213 | Date: Jul 14th, 2006 4:09 PM
My husband is the same way with our two year old. But I think his problem is that he is stress out from work and school. He claims my son is always naughty, always whining and blah blah blah. He's 2. When my son leaves the table he starts yelling at him. I simply just get up, tell my son sit my son down again and tell him that if he gets up again mommy will take away his food. As for your daughter, I see nothing wrong with her getting up to go and get more water or something else. Have her ask before she gets up, maybe this will make the situation better.

I tell my husband that he needs to cool it because if he continue to talk to my son in this manner for everything and anything that he does he's not going to want to come and talk to him when he's older. He going to think that whatever he did is going to get him in trouble. I do believe that all kids should have some sort of disapline but there is such a thing as being to strict. 

Name: Julia | Date: Jul 14th, 2006 6:15 PM
Rain- Thank you so much for that poem, I love it! I will print it and hang it up.
I think a few really good points were made, one being that my daughter is getting to the point that she is just ignoring him or not caring anymore what he is saying because he nags her so much. I am worried it will put a stain on their relationship later in life. She does tell me that he is too hard on her and asked me the other day if he even likes her. Isn't that sad! I said of course he does silly, he loves you! I tried to explain in a way that she would understand, but she still had a sad look upon her face. The praise comment is absolutley correct! I do not think he does it nearly enough, or at all. I am one to always notice the good and praise her, because I do see her reaction and she loves it! I guess this is my major beef, he only notices the bad in her, when in reality she is a great child!!! :(

Lynne- That was funny! She probably would shave her head if it stopped his nagging! LOL 

Name: Lizzi | Date: Jul 15th, 2006 2:52 AM
Seems to me since she knows how he is that she would be more (on her toes) in order to keep the peace since she knows what things push his buttons. If it bothers you that much then tell your husband that if he doesn't cool it with the minor nothings then you will set up home with your daughter someplace else because you can't take it any more. 

Name: Julia | Date: Jul 15th, 2006 3:03 AM
Lizzi- I guess thats my whole point. She doesn't purposley push his buttons, he nags her for simple things that a 6 year old can easily forget. Like putting her hair back. I know I would even forget once in a great while. Or talking too loud, or asking too many questions, etc. Normal behavior from a 6 year old child seems to irritate him so much. Trust me, I try to encourage proper behavior all the time with her, but I sit back and just listen to him nag and it drives me crazy! I feel sorry for her a lot of the time. And the crazy thing is, he is so overprotected of her, and he goes out of his way to buy her favorite books or DVD's, he just seems so hard on her. It's very odd. 

Name: Denise | Date: Jul 15th, 2006 4:07 AM
Try to stop the situation before it happens. For example: have you thought about putting her hair back for her before dinner, or cutting it so that it doesn't get in the way, or having an extra glass of water on the table for her and extra napkins in the center. If this doesn't stop the nagging, then he is taking his frustration out on her when he really needs to placing the anger some where else. I find that my husband gets like that when he hasn't had sex in a while. I am serious. They feel like they are not getting enough attention. Tell him that if he continues to do this, then he will cause an eating disorder in this child. Believe it or not! She will never feel worthy enough and make poor decisions in life especially when it comes to finding a mate later in life. 

Name: Lynne n | Date: Jul 15th, 2006 4:17 PM
i am glad you saw the funny side of it i was a bit worried that you would'nt! 

Name: Sharla | Date: Jul 15th, 2006 8:39 PM
This is what my parents were ALWAYS like with me, critical of everything I do. The result is:
an 18 year old mother of 2 year old twins who has suffered with depression and anorexia for the past 7 years whos been in and out of hospital many times bcoz of anorexia and got her stomach pumped when she tried to commit suicide on various occasions, she has self harmed and has scars all up her arms, legs and stomach. She cant trust people bcoz she is worried of opening up to them in fear of critisism and not being accepted. Finds it hard to form relationships for the same reason. She always strove for her parents approval but never got it, she always tried to make them happy and proud again she never got it, or maybe she was never shown it. Her parents thought that as long as she had pretty clothes and nice toys she would be happy, she wasnt!!!

I know it may seem odd me describing myself in 3rd person but I dont like to admit that its me. In other ways Im normal, lol, but it has affected my whole life. Nothing was ever good enough for them. Unless you want your daughter ending up like me which I doubt highly (i know I wouldnt like my daughter to be like me) please dont be like this with her. Explain to your husband that only critisizing her, he is running the risk of ending up in the future with an 18 year old daughter who is like me. 

Name: Sharla | Date: Jul 15th, 2006 8:49 PM
Oh Julia, and her asking you if her dad actually likes likes her is a very bad sign, I grew up asking myself the same question. 

Name: Julia | Date: Jul 15th, 2006 10:10 PM
Sharla- I am so sorry you grew up with that much criticism in your home! I hope you're well and happy in your own skin and life right now. I am also happy to know you will not keep it going with your own children, and you have broken that ugly cycle! Good for you!

What you wrote is exactly what I am afraid of with my daughter. I do not want her growing up resenting her Daddy (or me for being there and not being able to stop it). We have tried all the things mentioned (except cut her hair of course, she loves her hair, so not fair to her) and he honestly still finds something else to nag about. And when I call him on it, he does stop to think about it, but then he insists that she needs to remember everything at every moment. To me, that's not fair. She's a kid, who looks at the bigger scheme of life. I guess to me, she is doing just fine, is well ajusted, shows proper manners when needed, and is very sensitive and sweet. So why make her feel like she is being punished over minor things? Maybe I am being too paranoid because I had a very bad childhood, I don't know. We are actually planning on sitting down tonight (he is studying all day) to discuss my concerns on this topic. Hopefully I can get through to him.

Thanks for truly making me realize the possible outcome Sharla. I would not wish that on any child! God bless you!! 

Name: Julia | Date: Jul 15th, 2006 10:12 PM
Oh and Lynne, I know you do not know me personally but I do have a HUGE sense of humor! ;) I am a nut! heehee 

Name: Sharla | Date: Jul 16th, 2006 5:58 AM
Julia, as you realize I was not saying this will definatly happen. It depends entirly on the personality of the child in question. I was just saying how growing up in that environment affected me. I wouldnt wish what Ive been through on my worst enemy. I wouldnt want your daughter to see the world through my eyes. Little things are big things in a childs head, thats why I said what I did. I hope that maybe your husband chills out a bit and your daughter doesnt get so upset. I wish you and your family all the very best.
Take care 

Name: Julia | Date: Jul 16th, 2006 7:49 AM
Oh of course I am aware that it is just a possibility, and that it is not definate. I also know if the pattern continues, it can cause permanent damage! You hear cases about this exact same thing all the time and that is why I started this thread. I am very worried and just want the very best for my little girl. 

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