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Name: Tonya
[ Original Post ]
helloweverone .im just needing some realy good advise. My name is Tonya and the other day my husband left his email open. Well i looked , i wish i hadnt but i did. when i opened up the first page it was a letter to his ex daeting back 4 months. i was pregnant with his child when this was written . So i read on. He told her he wished she was having his baby , not me. My hart started to race, i read to the next one. Another women , he told me she was his cousin. He said to her if i leave he i lose my daughter if i stay with her , i lose you. man at this point i was nutts with rage . i woke him up ( 1:30 in the morning) and told him to sit at the computer. he read what i had found the most recent one was last week. he said he just told he what she wanted to hear. i packed up whent to my moms. what should i do at this point??? He wants my forgiveness and for me to come home. But its just not that easy , when your as hurt as i am now. i fear i may hurt him so left.
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Name: Lynne n | Date: Jul 8th, 2006 4:37 PM
You poor thing!
I dont really know what to say to you.Has he done anything with these woman?If so then leave him cause you can never get that trust back.
Either way you need to do what is right for you! 

Name: homemommichele | Date: Jul 8th, 2006 4:47 PM
I am so sorry Tonya, pretty stupid of him not to permantly delete them. I couln't forgive, but you may be able to find it in you to do so. Please just take care of yourself and your child. 

Name: charla | Date: Jul 8th, 2006 5:09 PM
tonya thats awful, are you wanting to forgive him ?? you should take some time for yourself and think things trough . you should take as long as you want it is an important decission especially now that you have a child together . 

Name: maxieellis | Date: Jul 8th, 2006 6:06 PM
Tonya....I am so very sad for you. I can only imagine the hurt....the devistation. First if you have the chance to get back in the house when he is at work go. Me honey I would print out those emails and shove them in my pocket. I hope they havent been deleated. You might need them as evidence.

You Charla is right...take your time. Lynne is correct too....I know that would be the end of any trust.....the end. I could never build on that again. It would always be in the back of my mind and I would almost for certain be looking for more of the same behavior. It couldnt work for me. In time I would forgive....I always do.........but not for a very long time I know myself tooooo well. The devistation and anger and betrayel and all the rest would need to take it course. Forgiveness I am sad to say would not come in the moment.

Take care of you and your child first. Those are who are number one right now. Do not be in any rush or fell obligated in ANY WAY AT ALL to make any descision on way or the other. On step at a time at this point.......in your own good time. You are not obligated to do anything at this point unless it is to your beneifit.

Take care honey.....were here for you..

Name: mommyagain | Date: Jul 8th, 2006 7:03 PM
Well... you have to decide when enough is enough. My ex husband cheated on me with 4 girls I caught him each time and it still took me 2 years after he was done to leave. You have to decide what is best for you. Going to your moms was good thing though, he has to now you are serious. I would give it a few days make him really worry. 

Name: EthansMom0213 | Date: Jul 8th, 2006 7:46 PM
I'm really sorry that you have to deal with something like this. Being the personal that I am, regardless of whether or not he truely feel the way he does in these email, he still wrote them. And saying he wrote them because that is what she wants to hear make him sound full of himself. You don't write or even say things like this and not expect the other person to believe what is being said. I am not telling you to leave or stay, for it easier for me to tell you to do something then it is for you to actually do it. But right now I wouldn't worry about hurting him, to me he never thought about hurting you when he wrote the email.

Just look out for yourself and your baby. 

Name: Stacy | Date: Jul 8th, 2006 8:13 PM

Everyone has so far has given you really good advice. Maxie printing out the E-mails was excellent advice.

The issue is simple either he is lying to you, or he's lying to "them"... Odds are he's lying to both you & them.
I don't have the answer, only you do.
Do you want someone in your baby girls life everyday, who shows no respect to women. A good father needs to set the example on how to treat & be treated for his little girl.

I pray you will find the answer that is right for you & your little girl... whatever the answer may be.

Good luck & please keep in touch with us. 

Name: Julia | Date: Jul 8th, 2006 8:24 PM
I think the replies so far are a little harsh in the sense that "giving up" is the easiest way out! Marriage takes a lot of work, time, devotion, communication, and so on. You shouldn't just jump to the conclusion that your Family is over because of a mistake like that. Was he out running around with these women? From the sound of your post he was just communicating through email, not actually committing adultry? Yes it was wrong, and he needs to understand that it will not be tolerated again, but divorce? You two need to find the root of the problem as to why he did this. But to just call it quits I do not agree with. If it were that easy, then our divorce rate would be very high. It's very easy to just throw in the towel and give up, but if your Family is worth fighting for, see if it can work. I know the trust issue will be a big factor, but I think with time, communication, and love, it can come back. He has to be willing to try and work towards a healthy, strong marriage with you though. If he doesn't try and show you he deserves another chance, then I would be concerened. From what I read above in your post, I see hope for you two and know with hard work, you two can make it. ;) Good luck and like the other ladies wrote, take as much time as you need to think things through. This is just my opinions and feelings on the topic, we all have our own ways of dealing with such things, so do what YOU truly feel in your heart is best. God Bless you girl. 

Name: charla | Date: Jul 8th, 2006 9:04 PM
julia i would never tell someone in this situation to leave and give up i dont beleave thats what any of these replies indicated most of them suggest to think long and hard about what to do we are all different and react different therefore i would never tell someone what they needed to do perhaps if i had been in that situation i would tell tonya what i did but never what she should do .oh and our divorce rate is unfortuatly very high 65 percent i beleive is the ratio right now 

Name: nicole jones | Date: Jul 8th, 2006 9:22 PM
My husband did the exact same thing (right down to me waking him up at 1:30 and making him come read them)... He hasn't been on the computer since. I put a password on the computer, another one on the internet connection, and closed all his e-mail accounts. Unfortunatly he was promoted at work recently and now has a computer there - but he wont be touching the computer at home ever again as far as i'm concerned, and I already asked his boss if they have a monitoring program where he works - and he said that they do, but he can also just log on to Dave's computer and check the history any time. Lynne's right about the trust, I can't see it ever coming back in that area. If you're husband is truly sorry than he'll give up the computer (or cell phone or whatever) to get you back, he's the one that messed up. 

Name: Julia | Date: Jul 8th, 2006 10:06 PM
Charla- I am not saying everyone is saying to divorce, I am simply stating that there is no support in regards to trying to fix it. I am reading about how the trust is gone, he cannot be forgivin, etc. I just wanted to point out that there is hope and she should also look at that possibility. I was not reading much support in those terms. I was just giving my opinion, sorry if it bothered you. And of course she should be the only one that makes the decision to stay or leave, you all addressed that.
Divorce rate is high, but if we all gave up at the first sign of trouble in our marriage then it would be a lot worse! That was my point... 

Name: charla | Date: Jul 8th, 2006 10:26 PM
julia it didnt bother me i just didnt want anyone to think that that was what i was conveing ( divorce ) i do beleave i working things out lord knows my husband and i have had moments of our own as im sure everyone has but making a quick desicion such as to leave or stay could end up not being the best desicion i was simply supporting whatever choice she made but also to give it some thought becouse my first instinct would be to leave and get a divorce that is why i suggested taking the time to really know what you want to do . 

Name: Julia | Date: Jul 8th, 2006 10:43 PM
Yes, I totally agreed with your post Charla. The most important thing is to take some time for yourself to think things through, but have that idea that it can still work out if you both want it. It's very sad when things like this happen but I have learned that we are all human and make mistakes. It's how much we are willing to fix things and work it out that really counts.. 

Name: charla | Date: Jul 8th, 2006 11:04 PM
i agree julia , i have been in 2 situations in my marriage were my first reaction was to just give up i was hurt upset belittled and plain pissed off but after some time i took for myself i decided to try and make things work it wouldnt work if it was only one sided so i had to really put some effort into it, but after sometime i started to trust again and sometimes still today i get insacure but thats were the trust has to come into play and am reassured that things are ok . 

Name: Tonya | Date: Jul 9th, 2006 6:02 AM
No , i cant give up . To give up after all my struggles , our struggles. i have come to an understand , and an agreement . Counseling. Clearly we need it. If in the end we do split atleast i will have my closer, if not this could mean a new beginning. Do i forgive him yet, no. Can i forgive , of course. But with alot of understanding that is going to be the hard part. I want to thank you all for your advise, it has realy truly helped me. I have to think what is going to be helthy for my family, no one is perfect and now i know his weakness. 

Name: Julia | Date: Jul 9th, 2006 7:28 AM
Hang in there Tonya, and I am happy to hear you are going to try counsling. Keep an open mind and take some time out for yourself to reflect and sort your feelings out. Good luck! 

Name: EthansMom0213 | Date: Jul 9th, 2006 5:29 PM
I too never said she should just go and get a divorce. In some situation divorce maybe the only option but I don't think that this is where Tonya is right now. It is true however that he is lying to someone, it's just a question of who. If it is the other woman then he either 1) need to stop talking to her or 2) need to correct the situation because he has lead this other woman into believe something that is not true.

Marriage does take work and someday a little more the others. And more people probably should try to work on their marriage instead of giving up right away. I think both Tonya and her husband need to sit down and discuss the situation and he should want to. What made him write the email in the first place. I think if they can get to the bottom of the issue it'll make the situation alot easier to deal with so that they can go on with their live together. 

Name: charla | Date: Jul 9th, 2006 5:36 PM
tonya, i think that is a wonderful decission . good for you , i hope that everything works out wonderful for you and your husband . god bless . 

Name: Denise | Date: Jul 10th, 2006 1:57 AM
Tonya, normally I would say get counseling and everything will be OK., but telling another woman that he wished she were having his baby are pretty strong words. You better make sure he is staying with you for the right reasons. He could just be young and immature but still how can you trust him? By the way, how old is he? 

Name: Julia | Date: Jul 10th, 2006 5:41 AM
I guess I made it sound like you gals were saying she should divorce, but reading your posts again, you're right, that's not what was stated. What I was trying to get across was, from what I read it seemed like the marriage should already be doomed, that was the feeling I got anyway. I just hate divorce, can you tell??? :( 

Name: Tonya | Date: Jul 10th, 2006 11:14 AM
well both he and i are young still. im 19 and he is 22. We had a long , calm, discussion on the subjuect yesterday. I posted a blog on myspace telling just how awful i fealt and his ex messaged me and said she wanted to talk to me. From there relationship he was abusive to her, and she aborted there baby together. I dint know this piece of info, but then agian she is a compulsive liar. Um he did angermanagement from that relationship and he hasnt once ever hit me, he knows i hit back.lol. Anyways we talked and He compulsively cheated on her. He never fully cheated on me , but i do considerit so . when we got together he had an online relationship with some girl in Arizona . So i know it is possable for him to do that. Anyways he deleted everything from his email book yesterday, he didnt tell me he did that , i looked at his email agian today , and that does make me happy. it wouldnt matter anyways because i have all of there email adresses . And copys of the emails . But he said that he was a bad person, he likes playing with peoples emotions, and things betweetn him and i have changed so he wants to be an honest person. so one chance is what he gets . he is on a probational period of 4 months. He knows what that means. 

Name: Layne | Date: Jul 10th, 2006 1:49 PM
Tonya you can still get the emails through your hard drive. even if he deleted it and lady you better do it. he is a lier and cheat even if it is only in emails. now days that will hold up in court. The same thing happened to a good friend of mine and he got the kids and a huge child support payment. I wish you good luck. Please protect yourself. 

Name: EthansMom0213 | Date: Jul 10th, 2006 5:17 PM
I agree Tonya. I believe that regardless of whether they are going out and actually doing the act of cheating or emailing/IMing another girl telling her things that should only be said to you then it's cheating. Being who I am I would want to know why he likes to play with these girls emotions? What exactly is he getting out of doing this? Not to say that it's true but it almost sounds like he does this to keep his option to cheat open. Again not to say this is why he does it. But there is obviously a reason as to why he is has done this in the pass and continue to do so now. The difference now is he is feeling bad because he was caught. Would he still be playing with this girls mind if he didn't get caught and why? 

Name: nicole jones | Date: Jul 10th, 2006 6:09 PM
I'm with Ethansmom on the why part. When my husband did this he never could give me a reason. I am still young and attractive (when he met me I was still modeling and everything) and I couldn't imagine why he would do something like that. I guess I may be shallow, but I felt he wouldn't even be thinking of doing things like that until I was older, or pregnant, or fat or something. I was so shocked. My pastor told me to really really keep an eye on what he was doing, because there had to be something he was doing, or talking about, that he couldn't do in real life - or else he'd have cheated in person. I never found out what it was that was so "dirty" so I think that my pastor could have been wrong on that account. I think it is just an ego thing - he want's to know that if he chose to sleep with someone else he could, because girls still "want him". 

Name: maxieellis | Date: Jul 10th, 2006 7:09 PM
Hey Tonya...glad to hear a few things hon. You taking your time. You have dicided to get counceling. You printed out the emails. And you are most importantly .... watching. It protects you and your child.

Now I am going out on a limb here .... but willing to do it. Again always just food for thought.....only. But all things come together and make our awareness greater.

Toying with peoples emotions and playing head games is just such a foolish thing for anyone to do. I agree with you that although...for now...you dont believe he may have gone out and slept with someone else....as a full time liar....how are we certain? That is an extreamly suggestive comment....but how DO we really know? And too, for me either by internet or not...I would consider that cheating. To lead anyone on, be it yourself or anyone else...again is foolish. It only leads to utter distruction at some point somewhere for someone. When one engages in this type of conduct...internet...phone...meeting...do we honestly know where it may ultmiatly lead? The other women are not at fault. Or, in reverse the men who dont know about the husband or boyfriend. When they do .... what are they being told? They are leaving them.....the situation is a pain in the ass...she/he is doing this or that....generally they are lies...bait...in order to accomplish the goal.

When one is confronted or found out....it is not always a genuine response that you will get. Like a child being caught with their hand in the cookie jar. What ever it takes to save their sorry little selfs at that point. The same is ture for anyone caught doing something they should not.

You will know Tonya....your gut will tell you hon. You see, for many of us who are a great deal older...me, I'm 44...we have had experiences just like you and ultimately...we realize that this individual is never going to change. If they do....likely years form that time. As you grow older you begin to have less and less time for people and their foolishness. And you become very good at seeing the nature of that new person really quick. And you just move on. It experience hon. You dont think now the way you did at 10 -12-15 yrs old do you? No. Naturally not. You now have experience with eg: danger, lieing, fire, driving...see where I am going? The older you get the thinking process includes that of experience. What you should and should not do.

Moving on is not an easy step to take when your heart is the driving force...and you have children. Though at somepoint if it goes that far....you will be willing to risk it. It would no longer be worth the battel. If you have to work that hard for something like a bad ass....you can work that hard for yourself and your children and be rid of the weight around you neck and sholders.

These honey are not ment to scare you of have you believe other than what you know personally yourself. These suggestions are not inteded to drive you away form him. They are only cautionary food for thought things to tuck in the back of your memory banks. Either to one day be discarded, or to reach for.

Take your time you are doing all the right things....and we all support you regardless. Time will tell

Best wishes

Name: Layne | Date: Jul 10th, 2006 11:55 PM
Maxie you are wonderful...you really explained that well. Im 42 and have been through the cheating thing with first husband, at age 22. You hit the nail on the head. 

Name: lindalu | Date: Jul 11th, 2006 12:06 AM
Wow Tonya you are young, but not to young to know what you should do. It is all up to you! no matter what you are told in the end you will do what is write for you. Much luck!!! 

Name: maxieellis | Date: Jul 11th, 2006 3:46 PM
Hey Layne....thank you. So sad that it comes easy to write that. Again from experience. So many of us have been down that road at one time or another....and thank God we learned....before it totally destroyed us. I am greatfull though ...strangely....because of those....I managed a better choice when it really counted. Growing and learning.....thank goodness is not all... for not. 

Name: thenandnow | Date: Jul 11th, 2006 5:17 PM
I would not go back to him. I would always be wondering when or if he would do it again. The tension would be too much and I would not put my child through that. Stay strong. 

Name: Layne | Date: Jul 11th, 2006 6:03 PM
Maxie your very welcome. I have a good man this time also. we have been married 15 years. I am his gueen and he my king and thats such a blessing. Not to say it is perfect. but we can really talk and he is very kind. 

Name: Tonya | Date: Jul 12th, 2006 7:12 PM
well, because i have given him a second chance, i dont fully trust him, and yes he sees it. i have a back up plan if things go down hill. I have a house of my uwn , about a three hour drive from were i am now. He does not know that. I got it from my Aunt that died a week or so ago.
When i began getting a gut feeling that he was hidding something from me , i whent to his phone, this was about five months ago. It was , his cousin , as he said , calling him. i was upset because there were hour two hour conversations . And she would call him every ten minutes . Fourteen times i counted on that phone she had called. And thats when i told him the first ti e i knew he was messin around, emotionaly , one me. 

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