Actually I'm a working Dad but the question is regarding helping my wife.
We have only one son (today 8 years old). At school he's on the 3rd grade.
I'm not sure what to do. Yesterday my wife was not feeling well and went to her doctor. As she was not able to schedule a meeting she had to wait for a time so that the doctor could talk with her. After 2 hours waiting my son started to complain so much she had to leave. When I got home she was very sad. She said that this behavior is not a good one and that our son only thinks about himself. Regarding his toys he does not value them. When he want something it's important. After he gets it's not longer important. It's just ok.
I really do not know what to do. I'm not sure this behavior is that much bad for a child. Do not get me wrong. I think he should have behaved so that my wife could have talked to her doctor. But I'm not sure if an 8 year old is able to stay waiting in a hallway for 2 hours without absolutely anything to do. Regarding his behavior towards his toys it's probably our fault we both came from families that were unable to offer us what we offer him, probably we overflowed him with think in a way that receiving a new toy is just common and nothing special.
I would really appreciate any help.
Jacques ↓
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| Name: Melissa | Date: Mar 21st, 2006 4:53 PM |
| My children also want everything! My husband and I also came from families where we didn't have much. We have given our children everything that we always wanted. I noticed a demand for more and more recently. My Husband I are "fixing" the situation by taking most of their toys away. We let them have a tub of toys each week. We rotate them. Also when they are doing wrong behavior, we take toys and then they have to earn them back. The thing that brought on this whole thing was my brother-in-law and his kids. They have the most money of all of us, but their kids have the least toys. They thing that really got me was seeing how much they appriciated getting toys, or anything for that matter. They are the most behaved children of the 14 cousins my children have. That is what made us decide to nip this in the bud now, so they stop being so selfish, and learn to care for others. We have also been doing things for others, like helping grandma & grandpa move, watching other cousins. Things they can see that make others feel better. They are behaving so much better, I wonder sometimes, why we didn't do this sooner. ↑ |
| Name: Jacques | Date: Mar 21st, 2006 6:08 PM |
Glad to know this can be fixed :)
How long it took to notice a behavior change?
It may seem strange but I know he cares about people. If we pass by a person in need in the street selling something at the car stop he ask us to give something to him or buy the thing he is selling. My brother's daughters do not have the same contact with my father as he have as once he asked me if they knew that my father is also their grand father and why they do not visit him as much as he does.
With me this kind of behavior is either not present or in levels I accept (and do not notice).
The problem is that it bothers my wife I do not know how to help her. When she tells me what happened and I say something in the lines of: "He should not have done that. I'll talk to him. But he never behaves like that with me" I think she feels I'm protecting him. But that's the truth.
We decided yesterday to cut his source of gifts. Probably it'll be something birthday and special occasions but we have not decided. Regarding the rotation in toys this may be a problem because his main source of entertainment is computer games and/or cartoons. Not much to cut. We could limit more the time he has access to those.
Jacques ↑ |
| Name: kris | Date: Mar 21st, 2006 6:49 PM |
| Jacques, IT is always hard when it is your first or only child. My son is 3 and is an only child (until I have my baby in June:). I often ask myself if I am spoiling him. We are not rich, but have enough money to give him what he wants, and its hard not too beacuse he is so dang cute! BUt its starting to go against me, because now he throws tantrums if he doesnt get what he wants. Im not sure what to do either. Its hard to figure out the right way to dicipline them so they understand it is for there own good. I really like Melissa's idea about having to earn their toys back. That way, these kids can understand if they mis behave, there is a consequence. I think I am going to give that a shot!! ↑ |
| Name: Jacques | Date: Mar 21st, 2006 7:20 PM |
Our kids are *always* cute :)
I also plan to give Melissa's sugestion a try. But if I choose to take back the computer use he is left withou all games. If I choose to take back the right to one game it may be difficult to enforce. It's not the same as taking a board game or the bike... But taking the computer's right away may have it's benefits. I feel he needs to have fun in other ways the playing Tony Hawk. I Just need to find the right way to make this work in my scenario.
Jacques ↑ |
| Name: Jacques | Date: Mar 21st, 2006 7:22 PM |
Ooops.
I sent the reply too fast.
I'm still in doubt on how to support my wife in those situations. When we start to take some right he has away he may at first increase his misbehavior in some situations.
Jacques ↑ |
| Name: Melissa | Date: Mar 22nd, 2006 4:12 PM |
| As to how long it takes to see changes, I was different for both my kids. My youngest took longer, because he is like me and if you tell him to do something then he is going to do the opposite. My oldest it was almost immediatly about 3 days. Then he was so grateful to have the toys back from the tub he gets, he worked really hard to not get them taken away. We let him pic which tub he wants for the week. If they don't play with the toys then we donate them. It really has cut down on the clutter, and makes it easier for them to clean up. My husband and I decided that this christmas would be no toys. In the end we both got them each something they coud enjoy with us, but "santa, aka daddy" caved and suprised all of us with tons of toys. Then we had to start over, but it wasn't as bad. We let them play as many educational games as they want, as long as they dont fight about it. Getting on the same page as your spouse is key. But Kids are always going to act differently with dad as to mom. My kids try things with me that they don't with dad because they know that they can get away with it. Once I realize that they asked dad and he said no, then came to me, I always say "what did dad say?" Parenting is hard but really worth it. ↑ |
| Name: Melissa | Date: Mar 22nd, 2006 4:18 PM |
| Oh, with my little one, to get him to change and not thow temper tantrums, we just told him good job everytime he was good. It only took about 2 weeks with him, now he doesn't slip as often as my oldest, but he would rather vacuum then play with the pirate ship! We give our kids chores to earn extra time on TV, or extra toys. Weird, my kids love helping with chores now. Good thing or my house would take forever to clean. :) ↑ |
| Name: jo | Date: Mar 26th, 2006 12:26 AM |
Read:
Nanny 911
Has great tips! ↑ |
| Name: Jacques | Date: Apr 10th, 2006 5:42 PM |
| Name: Serina | Date: Apr 11th, 2006 3:44 PM |
I hate the computer games and video games for kids. Kids do not read or draw or even play out side any more.The games give them total distracion from life. I know my step son would be on it all day if we let him,2 hours a day TV including video games is plenty. I know it would be hard because then we would have to participate in our kids life more . Like play board games woth your kids. ( WE have game night almost every Friday night) I aslo think that the people who have less give more to the kids to make up for it. I know we did but now. We give 1 or 2 gifts for birthday or holiday.Maybe a toy once in a while at the dollar store.
I think it is hard for a kid to sit still with out anything to do ...I even hate it. What do you think a child feels like? 2 hours feels like 10 hrs to a kid.
We have quite time for 1\2 hour a night . The kids draw read write. that kind of thing. It helps the kids use their mind and helps them be able to play with out out side stimuli.
hope this helps! I also agree with Melissa but I would inclued video games. Like 1 or 2 games a week?? ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi... | Date: Apr 11th, 2006 5:41 PM |
Have you looked for Love & Logic parenting classes or seminars...you can also get their cd's & videos...
I always said I didn't need parenting classes...but these are truely wonderful... ↑ |
| Name: Jacques | Date: Apr 11th, 2006 6:34 PM |
I agree that computer/tv takes the child from us. Not that it's gone but sure it's gone while watching/playing. The world is gone while the chile is imerse in this other world.
Some weeks ago I caught my son bypassing a limit I imposed. Now the limit is bigger. Before he has some number of hours a week to play certain games. Now he can't turn the computer on.
I said to him that he needs to get the computer right back. At first nothing happened. Now he started correcting what we said to him that needed to be corrected. So far it looks like this.
- "I've done this (or that) today. Can I use the computer" :)
- "That's good you did that. But you need to start doing that and not just doing once or twice."
Sometimes I let him play a game he likes for 1/2 hour. And it's 1/2 hour not 45 min, not 1 hour.
Hope this works.
As for board games we have a problem...
He only like those that takes ages to finish. He likes Monopoly and War. This is not bad but he always wants to play late at night or when there is not enought time.
Recently he showed some interest in playing a card game. I bought him the cards and when with him twice to a meeting where he could play with other players. I do think that he is too young to play the game at the same level his oponents do but he's playing with some friends twice a week and in this meeting at weekends. After that I noticed that he is mor eopen to talk to him friends. So far the impact of the game is a good one.
To speak the thruth I never saw a group that strange (maybe people said the same about me when I was a teen) and at the same time so polite and respectfull. ↑ |
| Name: Serina to Jacques | Date: Apr 11th, 2006 6:53 PM |
Sound like you are doing a great job with him. We play Family Fude but we put a time limit on the game. Some times we finish and some times not. Do you have a table you could leave the game out so when you stop you could pick it up another day? Could you tell him taht youa want to paly a game but not a long one. Ask him to pick from a list .?? He most likely want to play longer to spend more time with you. We play before or right after we have a meal. We take the kids out to a park and play ball or king of the hill . This helps because the hill is big and they run up and down it . We also tell stories like it will start then my 13 yr old ( boy) tells part of it then next the 12 year old ( girl) then my husband will end it The kids love it .
It is so great that you are firm with the time. Once you get flexable with it it will become a problem. I can see the 5 more minuts question coming up over and over again. Not fun for anyone, that is for sure.
Oh Nanny 911 is a TV show they also have a book.
Good luck and just keep it up. ↑ |
| Name: Jacques | Date: Apr 11th, 2006 7:01 PM |
| I live outside US. Maybe I can watch it on cable. Which channel I need to check ? ↑ |
| Name: Jacques | Date: Apr 17th, 2006 1:38 PM |
I think I've seen this show once or twice. If not this one one similar at People&Arts.
Based on the episode I saw I could say that I have no problems at all at home :) ↑ |
| Name: Serina to Jacques | Date: Apr 17th, 2006 2:48 PM |
Yea I know what you mean but the show does give some helpful tip on raising a child with rules and limitations.The show seem to pick families with huge problems.It is lession learning for most of them.They just seem not to have a clue on how to raise a child but the Nanny does help them.
Be well ↑ |
| Name: Lisa | Date: Apr 20th, 2006 4:17 PM |
| Firmly sit your son down and tell him his behavior will no longer be tolerated and make him apologize to his mother.Have your wife talk to her doctor when the child is at school.Stop buying him toys and tell him before he gets another new one he has to start appreciating the toys he has.Also start giving him chores,hes not too young for that.He can clean his room and clear off the table and help set the table and pick up sticks from the yard.He can take his dirty clothes to the laundry room.But he can CERTAINLY help out.It will teach him RESPONSIBILITY!!!! ↑ |
| Name: shelb | Date: Jun 3rd, 2006 12:59 AM |
| this is a cool game does any one wont to play it ↑ |
| Name: viki | Date: Jul 11th, 2006 5:07 PM |
| You have a tough problem. Kids in large families learn the correct social behaviors naturally, because they know they're not the center of the universe when they have siblings. At 8, ypour son's behaviors are fixed and a sibling would only cause resentment. I would encourage your wife to get into the workforce and put your son in an after-school program. She needs a life and he needs less attention. You did not mention whether or not he acts up in school. If he doesn't, you know that he is taking advantedge of being indulged at home. If he does, you need to talk to school counselors about behavior management programs. ↑ |
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