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2016-10-22  (10 weeks)
Stressed out
You know I never thought I'd be pregnant in my entire life. I had the thought that if i ever were to have a kid it'd be when I had stable life and could afford a nanny. At 32 years old and 11 weeks pregnant, this is the worst thing I've ever experienced in my life. I haven't told very many people that I'm going to be a mother because I'm so sick of everyone telling me how great this is and how happy my pregnancy will be. It's been nothing but awful and depressing and half the time I wish I was dead. I feel like the biggest burden on everyone around me because I have hyperemesis or HG and every doctor I've seen has told me this is most likely going to last my entire pregnancy. Great just what I need, feeding tubes in my nose like I'm a prisoner at Gitmo. It's in humane. On top of that I also want to run somewhere far away from everyone and everything. I feel completely alone all the time even though the father is a part of my life he doesn't know how to handle all the puking and me peeing myself from puking. He tells me how i'm not fun anymore. I don't even look pregnant I've lost over 30lbs. I get happy if i see I've gained 2 - 3 pounds, which is rare and I end up losing it when the puking hits me. My future in laws are also dealing with a recent death and it feels like everyone would rather be depressed and focus on death which is depressing and stressful, instead of being happy about a new member of the family. I'm facing a hard choice of just hitting the road and living out of my car and doing this alone, driving when I can and staying at rest stops when I can't drive or pulling off the highways onto side roads to nowhere. Its pretty awful. I wish my dad never died last year, he'd know exactly what to do about all of this bullshit, drama and unfortunate situation i am in. Sorry if you stumble across this and don't agree or think something is wrong with me. Not all pregnancies are joyful, and this is my first one. I just want to disappear.  

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