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Pregnancy Journal

2014-09-10  (5 weeks)
Feeling Amazing
My life has taken an amazing turn these past few weeks. I am five weeks pregnant and I'm actually starting to show. Its a beautiful feeling to see my little belly pop out. I'm really excited to see my baby. Im starting to wonder if its a lil girl or a lil boy. Soon enough I will know. I started thinking of nursery decorations and I'm thinking either finding nemo or monsters inc. I have really fallen in love with both of them. I'm trying to be as civil as possible with the father. He's going to be coming to the first dr's appointment which I am happy he will be in our childs life. I have moved on and am realizing how amazing life can be right now. I have someone in my life right now who is there for me. He takes care of me and he's actually been very understanding about my pregnancy. I thought once he knew it would change things, but he says it doesn't change anything. It truly is a gift from God and I'm very grateful for it. :)  
2014-09-06  (4 weeks)
one step at a time
This pregnancy has been difficult. Feeling very alone right now. There is a very thin line between love and hate. How can you love someone who has hurt you so much, but how do you hate the father of your child. I did so much for him, helped him so much and his family knows I'm pregnant and they haven't even reached out to offer there help to me. It's funny he says he's there for me, but he's not. I need him now more then ever, but he chooses his own fun. I've never felt this hurt. I thought he would step up since he "loves" me. God please help me. Please show me the path and give me the strength to raise this baby. I'm so scared. I feel like he wants to cause me pain. He messaged me today and it just continues to make this process so much more painful.  
2014-09-05  (4 weeks)
Decisions Decisions
I am beyond happy today!! I finally was able to sleep and I feel like I have a clear mind. I discussed my decision to have this child last night with my mother and although she doesn't agree right now I know she will eventually come around. The only good thing I have is that she said she will watch the baby for me when I work. So know I need to decide where I am going to live. I'm not sure if moving in to the apartment upstairs is an option right now. I honestly want to leave this area and offer my child the best life possible. Not sure if I will be able to make ends meet and do this as well. A single mother has a lot of obstacles on the way. I have some options but I'm trying to think of what the best will be for the baby. Today will be my research day. I will look into different apartments and the furniture I will need for my baby. I know that even though I will be doing this alone. I can do it. My mind is playing tricks on me today. I don't know if its because im having his baby, but I keep day dreaming going home to him and my child. Funny how things can change so quickly. Most of the time I can't stand him, but there are a few moments where I still picture that perfect little family. Cravings are kicking in. Its another day I want wings! Actually can taste them so I'll be going to get those. Every time I have a craving I get sad because I realize I have to get them myself. Independent to the extreme. I don't wish this on any woman. No woman should have to do this alone. :(  
2014-09-04  (4 weeks)
The Beginning of a roller coaster ride
This week has been an intense roller coaster ride for me. I'm currently four weeks pregnant and not with the father of the child anymore. As I have begun to announce my pregnancy I have been faced with a lot of negative feedback. Many people feel I shouldn't have the child especially since I am no longer with the father. Well, I totally understand there concerns, but I am having this baby. I'm obviously devastated that I wont be raising my child in the normal setting but I know my child will be very loved. The father swears he's going to be there but he's a liar. So I'm not counting much on that. He lied to me about so much and I doubt he'll be around. If he is that will obviously be the best thing for the baby. I wont keep him away but I really don't want him around at all. I hope that I will be able to move past this hatred I have for him right now. I know if and that's a big if he's actually around I will have to try to be civil with him, but right now I'm not a fan. I feel like he used me and I feel like he's not man enough to take care of his responsibilities. I do hope that eventually I will be able to find a father figure for this baby. Someone who will be there every step of the way, but until then this child will have me. I have decided to create an album or a scrapbook that shows the good times between me and the "dad". I want my child to know that she or he was made out of what I thought was love. That at one point in time I thought his father loved me and we would be a family. Things didn't turn out the way I wanted them to turn out but I know God never makes mistakes. Starting to have some interesting cravings. I wanted hot dogs so bad which I despise. I order them had one bite and didnt want it anymore. Gonna have a picky baby I think lol  

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