Entry #288 10 Weeks and 4 Days Well I saw my OB. There is definitely just one (Thank God) and baby had a strong heartbeat of 168. The tech even showed me where the baby was moving its stubby limbs and trying to bounce its entire body. I was 8 weeks and 5 days at the time, so obviously I could feel nothing. I asked which side the baby/placenta was on and the tech told me that the baby was on the right. Both of my girls were on the left. I wonder if the Ramzi theory will be 3 for 3 for me. My husband and I have decided to find out the sex this time as we need to prepare in our tiny home that really didn't have room for a second child let alone a third. We need to know if we should keep all of our girl clothes or slowly trade the younger sizes in for boy clothes. We also decided to pretend not to know the sex and everyone will find out at the baby's birth. We are not announcing until Mother's Day when I will be 21 weeks and 1 day. Honestly, I wish that we could not announce until after baby was born. My husband wanted to announce right at 12 weeks, so 21 weeks is our compromise. My sister is the only one who knows and will be the only one who knows until May. I am still rather unhappy about being pregnant again so soon, but I becoming more calm about it. I have been trying to keep myself busy and with a two year old and almost 9 month old, it doesn't take much to keep my hands full. I am currently getting over a horrible bout of food poisoning. It is ten times worse while pregnant and suffering from MS. I am still enduring the first trimester exhaustion and am trying to remain hopeful for the second trimester boost of energy. I have lost a total of 2lbs, which sucks as I am now considered underweight for pre pregnancy... I am making lists for what we need for this little one. It won't be much, but we do need more cloth diapers and if baby is a boy, we will have to buy clothes. We also need to get another car seat. Our car shopping is going ok and we are planing on getting the bigger vehicle in late May. We are currently leaning towards purchasing a Pilot. My husband still wants 6 kids, but I am hoping to stop at 4. He just doesn't understand how hard it is. I do 99% of the childcare and 95% of the housework. I also want to homeschool. After a few years after having 4, I would be willing to discuss having #5 and #6, but my answer still might be no. Right now I am just exhausted and overwhelmed. I would like to take a 4 year break after #3 before discussing TTC our fourth. I need some time to get caught up!
2014-02-01 (0 weeks)
7 Weeks My unhappiness is a pall of darkness with a cloud of depression casting a shadow of despair upon me. I feel lost and unable to function. Simple tasks seem impossible to me. I feel as if all joy has been sucked from my bones, leaving me a hollow husk of sadness. I am in a downward spiral with no hope seemingly visible on the horizon. For some reason I feel as if a death sentence has been laid on my head. There is no running; there is no escape. I prepare and it is meaningless. I tried to tell my husband, but he just doesn't understand how unhappy I am.
2014-01-25 (0 weeks)
Entry #286 I am 6 Weeks today. This pregnancy still seems completely unreal. Am I ready for another baby? Absolutely not! I have to prepare. So many questions with no answers. My husband and I are in the process of looking for a larger vehicle. It is impossible to fit a family of five into only 4 seats! I seriously can't believe this. We want more children, but not for a few years. Number 3 is coming whether we like it or not. I am not ready emotionally or physically. My husband keeps telling me to be happy, that I should feel blessed to become pregnant so easily when others have infertility! I do feel blessed to not have issues, but I feel so drained. This was never my plan and as hard as I try to capture a joyful attitude, I find myself slipping farther and farther into a downward spiral of deep sadness and anxiety. My darling second daughter is still nursing! She is just shy of 8 months and sleeps in my arms. She is my baby and I don't want her to suffer, but she will. She will freak when I am forced to stay overnight in the hospital. My two year old is amazing, but my time is already taken between her and her sister. How will I give proper attention to 3 under 3? They need so much! I am already run ragged between their demands, our too small place, and housework that never ends. I actually begged my husband to think about possibly giving this baby up for adoption, but he will have none of it and to be honest I highly doubt that I would be able to go through with it. I just feel so overwhelmed and lost. As soon as we announce I will have to contend with a huge hive of negative comments to swarm my already torn apart nerves. As if we planned to have three children so close in age! What do they honestly expect! Our BC methods failed again! What is done is done. I can't go back in time and change things! To top it off, I feel resentment towards my husband for this pregnancy. Is he completely to blame? Of course not, but I can't seem to help it. It is festering beneath the surface. I find myself lashing out at him. I feel myself beginning to despair for our marriage as I am so angry. I know hormones can really mess with a person, but I was so loving during my prior pregnancy. I find myself wishing that I was alone, no children, no husband, no nothing as if I were dead. I know that what I am feeling is not right or healthy and I know that I will probably be put on meds when I tell my OB at our first appointment. I just can't shake this feeling that my life is meaningless and l am so tired :(
2014-01-14 (0 weeks)
Entry #285 Appointment for #3 has been made Well I get to see the OB that I love on Feb 13th! We will get to check on bean #3 (I hope that there is just one). I am starting to get a bit more excited. My husband was like, "well what can we do?". The answer is of course, nothing! So we are having a baby lol! My husband and I are extremely pro life. There is never a question of is not having a baby even if it isn't the perfect time or the baby is unplanned. We aren't telling anyone until at least mid March. I actually am trying to convince my husband not to have us announce until 20 weeks. I just see a lot of negativity from my mother and my Mother-in-law, though more from my mom. My mom thinks that she knows about our finances and such when she does not. She makes up things. She constantly tells me that I need to get on WIC and Foodstamps. I tell her that my husband makes too much and that I eat just fine. She always says that she doesn't believe that. She lives 18hrs away! She has no idea what my husband's salary is! My husband thinks of salary as a private affair, so I don't tell anyone about it. My mother is insistent that I am lying to her. It is aggravating! My family is doing just fine. Now my mother-in-law is going to just say that it is too soon (my mother will say this too), but my MIL is going to say other things like, it is too soon for her to have another grandchild. My MIL has never watched our girls, so I don't understand how this will be too soon for her. I am just dreading the negativity. I have never asked for or accepted money from anyone either, because we really are just fine. (Maybe they will surprise me!?!) We are going to have to cut back a bit with the arrival of number 3. We have to trade in our 4 seater for a 7 seater. We are putting off our move for another year, so it will be 5 of us in a two bedroom. We are trading in our IPhones for GO phones in March and paying off as many bills as we can before the arrival of #3. I will be cloth diapering and hopefully ebfing. (As long as there are no allergies). I cloth diaper, which I love. We should be able to build a nice cushion within the next year if we are semi strict about spending. The only things that I worry about are giving my little ones enough individual time, the negativity of our families, and my body. I haven't fully recovered from my last two pregnancies and also just had my gallbladder removed. I fully believe that every baby is a blessing. Hopefully our families aren't too negative.