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2014-12-20  (12 weeks)
ARGH!! Hormones or am I going crazy?
Wow, so my first entry..... where to start? I decided to start my own personal journal because the ranting and raving in my head was getting too much. Maybe a little background info would help you understand me better. I'm 22, self employed and currently 12+6 weeks pregnant with my first child. I married at 18 years old through an arranged marriage, which for the last 3 years I have been more then happy about. Naturally I'm quite laid back, maybe that is why this pregnancy is making me go crazy because at the moment, EVERY LITTLE THING IS ANNOYING ME! I'm not going to lie, my husband is not the best husband in the world. He's selfish, un-supportive, doesn't listen, cares more about going out then spending time at home and has no sense of spending money, but being a self-sufficient woman, I've just accepted it and continued with life. I do love him, loads but I also know it is pointless trying to change these points because he can't change nor did I use to care. That changed however when we got pregnant. We had tired for over 2 years to get pregnant but nothing happened. We had fertility test done but the test were coming up clear as day. Around the 12th of September, We were told that because all the test were clear they couldn't do any more tests and because of my age they couldn't do any treatments anyway till I was 23. Which was not for another 9 months. At this news we were heartbroken that we would have to wait for nearly almost another year before we could hope to conceive. But as fate would have it, a week after we had gotten our final answer, we found out we were pregnant. My husband, being the negative nellie he has always been, wouldn't believe the 3 pregnancy test till we had gotten final confirmation from the doctors. He wouldn't even talk to me for 4 days as if he blamed me or thought I was playing some kind of cruel trick on him. Now, as we hadn't planned on this pregnancy happening, we had booked a 4 week holiday to India. Yay * please note the sarcasm* After multiple mixes ups, and can I just say neglect and carelessness, a week and half later we got an appointment at the local doctors ( on the day of our flight!!!) we got it confirmed. Now I'm going to skip over the whole holiday because for most parts of it, it was uneventful, expect for DH losing his brand new IPhone 6 plus. Great right! My last week of it, my nausea was at a high, especially when it came to Indian food. Which was to be expected after eating nothing but spicy Indian food for 4 weeks non-stop. I've now been back for 3 weeks and can I say, WHAT HELL HAVE I STEPPED IN??? My first week was consumed with trying to sort out DH Iphone 6 mess, phoning insurance company, filling out claims forms etc. And every night coming back from work what would my lovely husband ask about? Not " how are you?" or " how are you feeling? any morning sickness?" NO!!! It was without a fail "Has the insurance company phoned? can you phone them again?" And God forbid I complain about his attitude. His answer was " you already know I'm not a supportive type of person" I don't give a shit if you're not naturally supportive, right now at this moment in time it is your duty to be supportive!! Now please tell me am I crazy for wanting a little attention from him? Because my parents say I am. According to my mother " this isn't even the hard part" So what? Don't mention my pregnancy niggles till I'm a full 9 months? Now I would understand if I complained to everyone who would listen but barely anyone knows I'm pregnant and on top of that the only people I actually want to talk to are my mother and my husband. again am I being unreasonable? Now, my dear SIL had a really bad miscarriage last year, ( she has since gave birth to a gorgeous little girl) and due to this I understand that my husband is quite cautious. What I mean by cautious is that he doesn't want to talk about the pregnancy or the baby or anything even remotely related to this topic till the first scan. Because he is adamant that if we talk about it something bad will happen. Now it is okay, I totally understand where he is coming from but I also think he is slightly over reacting but whatever. BUT!!! why am I being drove crazy by this? because if I so much tell him that I had morning sickness that day, he accuses me of being a drama queen who wants everyone to know that she is carrying a baby and wants attention. He says that I'm not allowed complain about my pregnancy symptoms because it took us so long to conceive that it's like I'm looking a gift horse in the mouth, but as I said before, the only people I talk to are him and my mother. So if I can't talk to him, share this journey with him then who do I turn to? I asked my parents their opinion and they said I was putting too much pressure on him. how? by saying how I need to phone the midwife because my scan date hasn't came? I would understand if I had asked him to do it but all I'm trying to do is make conversation. I honestly need some outside opinions because quite frankly I feel like I'm losing my mind and I have no support. I can't believe how alone I feel in what is supposed to be such a magical time. Thanks you for reading my CRAZY rant but I really needed to get these thoughts out of my head.  

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