Hi
I am looking for some input on my situation. My serious boyfriend is about to come home from deployment and I can see some problems that may be in my future. Based on what I have read on this forum it sounds like many of you have "been there/ seen that" so thought I would pick some brains as to the best way to handle what I know is ahead of me.
BF is divorced x 5 years and has 3 children preteen/ teen years. His ex-wife is best described as bitter and extremely nasty. She manipulates the children to get them against them. He has had 2 phone calls where the children have swore at him and hung up on him, both were due to $$ issues. Mom tells the kids that dad "owes" them $$ for babysitting or insurance. BF pays more child support than anyone I know... nearly 60 percent of his income. This is due to the fact that she has atty friends and BF did not want to "cause a stink". Ex wife calls my BF about once a week and screams at him, calls him names, belittles him. Ex wife is still very involved with BF's family who according to BF do not like her, since she also pulled the screaming thing with each of them at least once over the last 20 years but they don't want to "cause trouble. Ex wife shares intimate detalis of her life with BF's family and swears them to secrecy from their son/ brother and they comply (sometimes). My question.. it is quite apparent to me that ex wife is of the manipulative sort and that most likely I will just be her newest weapon. I do not "do" manipulative. I think I am good at setting boundaries with individuals like this and she will be no different. My concern is that everyone, boyfriend included, seem to placate her so as not to stir up trouble.. I am guessing when I do not "fall into line" that I will be the bad guy in this situation. I have already informed BF that if/ when she attempts these antics with me.. I will not tolerate it. I will not scream and yell back but I just do not have room in my life for the chaos and I refuse to live with it. He says he is fine with that but I have to wonder since he allows her behavior to continue with everyone around him. He will not set boundaries with this woman. He has lost 2 relationships over this very thing already. I have not even met ex wife yet but I want to be ready for when it hits.. and based on her history of the last 30 years.. it will. Any thought ↓
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| Name: pj754 | Date: Sep 30th, 2006 3:42 AM |
| Well, all you can do is... if and when the time comes is....keep your wits about you. Do not stoop to her level even though she expects everyone else to cowtown to her behavior. She is the narrow minded one, not you. Just keep in mind that when she does go on her rampage, you do not engage. This makes you the better person in everyone elses eyes. She will try to get a rise out of you but you are the better person to not allow such behavior to get out of hand. She will be puzzled by you not responding but the sooner you don' t retaliate the sooner she will realize she can't get the best of you. Unfortunately, you are in for a long haul. She is miserable and she wants everyone else to feel the same. The boyfriend and family should stand up to her and tell her they are unwilling to listen or be apart of her problems. Oh, well, you can't tell them all how to behave. You, on the other hand, can stand up to her but in a diplomatic way. Don't condecend to her level. Just respond to her with a grin and no words. Consider the source, she is an ex and will always be THE EX!!!! She doesn't like it. As long as the BF is following thre rules of the divorce papers, then she really doesn't have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out off. Sorry, she sounds like most of our pain in the butt ex's and her time will come as to what she deserves. More miserary!!! Hang in there, staying neutral for the time being is the smart way but you can add your reasonable respectful comments every now and then. Perhaps the family may appreciate your honest opinion as an outsider. No matter how much the ex pitches her fits, don't give in. I hope my advice helps but perhaps it didn't. Your b.f. and his family need to tell the ex to take a flying leap. They shouldn't include her in his life what so ever. That's offensive. I,. too, have experienced the same thing with my ex and family and anytime you want to vent about your situation, please feel free. I hope things will work out but it's very hard with a psycho ex. ↑ |
| Name: mrrn965 | Date: Oct 11th, 2006 3:13 AM |
| Thanks for the words of advice/ encouragement. I am really curious to see how she is going to attempt to use me to hurt him and I am ready for it. You are correct.. I will not stoop to her level but I will set my boundaries with her, if need be on a daily basis. The only way that this woman will cause the demise of the relationship is if my BF asks me to placate her along with everyone else. I just can't do that.. too much stress. Wish me luck :-) ↑ |
| Name: pj754 | Date: Oct 19th, 2006 1:48 AM |
| To mrrn965--How's it going? Has things gotten any better? Just want to know if things are ok!! ↑ |
| Name: pj754 | Date: Oct 21st, 2006 4:14 PM |
| TO mrrn965---I thought of something else I wanted to add. Perhaps your boyfriend and his family need someone like you. Someone, who can actually put the ex in her place. You sound like a person to be very diplomatic and your stance could be a good thing. If anything, try to out wit the ex. Turns things back around on her. With all of her yelling and screaming, she doesn't seem to be a very rational person and that's someone easy to battle wits with. So, how are things going? Any encounters with the nut job yet? Please let me know, I'm curious. ↑ |
| Name: mrrn965 | Date: Oct 24th, 2006 1:19 AM |
Thanks for all of the advice!! I have not had the opp to meet her yet. We went to his child's sporting event this weekend and she was there but she did not acknowledge either of us, which is okay by me at this point. She had called him and changed the whole day around and informed him that he had to do this and that while we were driving there. I was in no mood to meet her by the time we got there. I know it will happen though and probably sooner rather than later. After we dropped all of the children off I did tell him that her calling and changing plans that were already in place is something that I will not do on a regular basis. I have a life as well and if she can't get it together earlier than 15 minutes before something has to happen she is SOL. I love everything about him and his family, she is just going to be the thorn. Seems like there is always something, espeically by the time you hit 40.
I am not in any hurry to marry him and we are not going to live together either so I will have the ability to see how this plays out and not be stuck in case it becomes unbearable. I am a pretty diplomatic person and I have no problem with setting boundaries so I am hoping that I can handle this without stooping. I do not get the impression that many people have stood up to this woman in her lifetime. He really won't be settled back into his old life for another 2-3 weeks so at that point, I anticipate that the games will begin.
I have to say I felt a little uncomfortable at that game but when I really thought about it why???? I was there with him and we have a great relationship. She was the one sitting alone. BTW.. she recently told his mom that she still loves him... big suprise there, probably becasue her fiance just dumped her.... :-) I guess we reap what we sow.. ↑ |
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