I previously wrote a topic and need more help, opinions please.
My ex boyfriend (that cheated on me) contacted me recently after 8 years. He is now married, but ready to leave. We originally started out by saying that we were going to be just friends, but it's escalated and we're in love all over again. This time even more. The problem? I'm married with 2 kids. I've been married for the past 4 years. Just had a baby 4 months ago. My ex boyfriend understands that I'm married, but made it clear that he loves me still. I still love him very much. I always have. My marriage is okay, a few ups and downs, but sometimes I feel like my husband would prefer someone else (for some reason). He's a great guy, but it's not the same. I want my ex back so bad. I'm madly in love with him. For him to consider it after all we've been through in the past makes me believe that it is true love. He's willing to take my kids in and everything. He also has 2 kids. I'm so scared. I'm afraid that if I do discuss this with my husband, my marriage will be over. I'm looking for a way out so I can be with my ex boyfriend. Is that no soooo wrong??? Someone please help me. ↓
|
|
| Name: staceykelley | Date: Oct 20th, 2006 8:23 PM |
| the saying goes never leave the one you have for the one u want cause the one u want will leave u for the one he loves u only want him so bad cause u are married and u cant completely have him if there was no ex in the picture would u leave your husband because just as fast as that ex came into the picture he could be gone im just saying, if there is no reason for leaving your husband except for the ex, then thats not a very good reason now is it. im not trying to come across rude thats not my intensions i just dont want to see u get yourself into something and regret it and right now it doesnt seem like a bad idea but in the end it might be a very big mistake and you can never take that back. u married your husband for a reason try and think back to what that reason was. it might help ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Oct 20th, 2006 8:46 PM |
| Well dear,you can't have it both ways of course and it looks like you clearly want to be with your ex so............need I say more?Just make absolutely sure this is what you and your ex both want before you tell your husband because once you tell him you will need to have a plan in motion because your life and your children's lives will be changing and you will want that transition to go as smooth as possible for everyone so have a plan ready and know what you are going to do. ↑ |
| Name: Tena | Date: Oct 20th, 2006 8:47 PM |
| thank you....I will take all of that into consideration. ↑ |
| Name: Tena | Date: Oct 20th, 2006 8:48 PM |
| Lizzi......I so appreciate the support. I agree, but doing it will be the very hard part. I'm hurting so many people. ↑ |
| Name: Tena | Date: Oct 20th, 2006 8:50 PM |
| I can't even believe this is happening to me. I keep thinking this is just a bad dream or something. I need serious help. ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Oct 20th, 2006 8:51 PM |
| You're welcome Tena,let us know what happens! ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Oct 20th, 2006 8:51 PM |
| Are you sure it's love and not just lust? ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Oct 20th, 2006 8:52 PM |
| Do you want a lasting relationship with the ex or is it more of a "roll in the hay" interest? ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Oct 20th, 2006 8:55 PM |
| I'm sure you didn't enter your marriage lightly and hastily decide to have a family with your husband.Think real hard before you make any permanent life altering decisions. Remember there are several peoples lives on the line here and alot of hearts to be broken. Do you want this for the right reasons? ↑ |
| Name: Tena | Date: Oct 20th, 2006 9:13 PM |
| My ex and I both want the same. He doesn't want just a roll in the hay. He's made that especially clear. I trust that he will not break my heart again --he really is a good guy. We were so young 23 or 24 when all the cheating went on. I got married and was happy that I found a guy that cared so much for me and had so much to offer. However, I still loved the ex at the time. I never stop loving him. Is this normal? My husband is a great guy, but I didn't fall madly in love with him. ↑ |
| Name: Tena | Date: Oct 20th, 2006 9:14 PM |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Oct 20th, 2006 9:24 PM |
| Tena,does your husband have any clue at all that you still have feelings for your ex?If he does then maybe it won't be so hard for him to take when you tell him. ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Oct 20th, 2006 9:26 PM |
| You know,we only live this life once so you might as well go be with who you truly love. Most ex's never get the chance to meet up again and rekindle things let alone make a life together! I say if it's what you and he both want then go for it! Your husband may be more understanding than you think. ↑ |
| Name: Tena | Date: Oct 20th, 2006 9:27 PM |
| He has no idea. We never really discussed our prior relationships in detail. ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Oct 20th, 2006 9:29 PM |
| LOL! Your name had me worried for a minute there! My brother broke someones heart years ago with your same name but i believe she spelled hers Teena! She was from Wisconsin. ↑ |
| Name: Tena | Date: Oct 20th, 2006 9:29 PM |
| I would like to think that he will be understanding. Especially since the birth of our 2nd child. It's been really hard for both us. He doesn't seem all that happy, but willing to work it out. However, then my ex popped into the picture. My ex and I seem to believe the same thing you said. There will never be another chance at true love. He really, really knows it is. I know it is. I've never seen him like this. ↑ |
| Name: Tena | Date: Oct 20th, 2006 9:30 PM |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Oct 20th, 2006 9:31 PM |
| He is going to be hurt then no doubt but he will recover in time. I think he will appreciate your honesty. ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Oct 20th, 2006 9:34 PM |
| Well then Tena,I think the best thing for you to do is break the news to your husband but be as gentle about it as possible. Do you know what arrangements will be made? Like will your ex move in with you when your husband moves out? Or will you and the kids move in with your ex? ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Oct 20th, 2006 9:36 PM |
| You need to have a plan in mind before you tell your husband i think. ↑ |
| Name: Tena | Date: Oct 20th, 2006 10:49 PM |
| We are working on the plan. No details just yet. But those are in the works. I'm hopeful that this all works out for the best. Especially for the kids. That's my biggest concern. I appreciate your support very much. Thank you. ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Oct 21st, 2006 2:02 AM |
| You're welcome Tena and I hope all works out well for you and your ex and you end up very happy together! :) I hope your husband doesn't take it too hard though,I kinda feel bad for him. Just handle the situation with as much care as you can. Good luck and keep me posted please! ↑ |
| Name: momto3stepto2 | Date: Oct 21st, 2006 2:06 AM |
| Please be careful..................You say your husband is a great guy and your marriage is "ok". Listen to your words.........."I'm afraid that if I do discuss this with my husband, my marriage will be over". That tells me that deep down inside you really don't want to give up your marriage. You've got two kids and a brand new baby. Think about the consequences of what you would be doing. What makes you think your husband prefers someone else? Have you tried talking to him about this? In reality, he probably doesn't want anyone but you. Take it from someone who's been there.......... The grass isn't always greener on the other side. Maybe you're just in need of some excitement and are getting it confused with "true love" with a past boyfriend. Consider everything before you make a wrong move. You say your boyfriend already has two chidren also. Step-parenting is NOT easy. It can and will cause a wedge between you and your boyfriend if issues with your kids are not handled in exactly the right manner. All marriages get in a rut at times. You just have to remember the commitment that you made to one another and honor that commitment. Find time just for the two of you without the children. Hire a babysitter for a couple of hours while you two have a "date night". Think about the reasons you fell in love with your husband. It all seems like everything will be all better and you'll have a perfect storybook ending with your old boyfriend. In reality, the same problems you have with your husband now will be the very same problems you will face with your boyfriend should you decide to be with him. Try working on your marriage and you and your kids will be better off in the end. ↑ |
| Name: pj754 | Date: Oct 21st, 2006 5:53 PM |
| Tena---You are treading on some thin gound. I, too, had an ex that popped back into my after I married and had children. First of all, I was flattered by the inquisition but I had to think long and hard at his motives. Sure, I had the same feelings of what I thought love truly was but there was a little voice in my head that said the grass isn't going to be so green on the other side of the fence. After careful consideration as to why we broke up in the first place gave me the doubt in my head that things weren't going to be any different the second time around, even though we were a little older. If your husband and you are fighting all the time and things in the home weren't very pleasant, then yeah, I would say look at the well being of your children. However, if he's a good husband to you and the children (if he treats you better than himself) but you don't communicate or have the intimacy that you are looking for, you might want to try discussing things with him. Why is the ex boyfriend ready to leave his wife? Perhaps there are other issues that he isn't honestly telling you? Remember, you are only hearing his side of the story and he is only telling you what he thinks you need to hear. You do have your hands full with three children and that's alot of work. Yet, you have to look at the children's sake as well. Yes, our marriages do get into ruts every now and then but as his wife, what do you think you could do to change or spruce things up? Being divorced and intermingling step children with children into a family is very difficult. There'will always be dealing with the ex's and child support issues. And if you leave your husband for another man, your husband could become very vendictive and perhaps you could lose your children because you were not thinking of them at the time of your decision. Especially, if he's not emotionally or physcially hurting them. And if you come right out and tell your husband that you are planning to cheat on him, he could be able to persuade a judge in his favor. Also, will you be financially stable to battle a custody suit? Don't ever assume that your husband will be workable with what ever you do in regards to this? 9 times out of 10, it back fires. You could present to your husband that you get the sense that he's unhappy and would like to know what you could do to change it? See what he says. If he admits that he's unhappy and tells you it's the relationship you two have, then you can tell him your feeling it too. There are couples that just not compatible with each other and remaining unhappy in a marriage isn't always the best environment for everyone. This way you could see just what your dealing with. You have alot of decisions to make and you certainly need a plan. Brace yourself, it's not going to be easy. Plus, it isn't fair to your husband that you only remain with him because you don't want to hurt him. I wouldn't want someone doing that to me. Not too many people are very reasonable and understanding. Someone else mentioned about the children. Taking such a step could become emtionally damaging to them. They could end up resenting you in the long run. My oldest son is at that phase from my divorce. He just can't see how much more at peace I am than I was with his father. I was married for 12 years and mentally left my marriage because of physical and mental abuse long before my divorce. It just took me a long time to be able to take the step out the door. Since then, I've met and remarried someone, who treats me better than himself but I still have a constant battle with the ex, who keeps punishing me for leaving him. I hope you didn't take any offense by what I said, I just wanted to give you some things to consider before you do anything. I wish you happiness either way. Please keep me posted. ↑ |
| Name: emilymccoy | Date: Oct 21st, 2006 6:46 PM |
| I think no matter what you do, you just need to be honest. Be honest with yourself and the two men involved. If you haven't already, don't cheat on your husband. This is probably confusing enough for you without adding sex into the mix. The first thing I think I would think about is my relationship with my husband.... Are you guys maybe just in a rut and need to mix things up to get some sparks flying? Or are there serious issues underlying? If there's anything you can do to make your relationship work with him, that will probably be your best bet in the end. However, I do understand that if you're in love with someone, you're just in love with them and there's not much you can do to change it. But, there's always the chance that you're not as in love with him as you think. When you're in a relationship, and a new love interest comes into your life, it can be extremely exciting. You don't want to jump the gun on this one and realize once you're back with your ex that it was the excitement of being wanted by a different person that made you think you were in love with him. This is definitely a situation that is going to take a lot of consideration from all sides...and a lot of emotional integrity. ↑ |
| Name: fancy | Date: Oct 22nd, 2006 3:08 AM |
| I really have one question..... are you 100% sure that when you do this that he wont go back and cheat on you and then you will end up hurt again and possibley alone with kids you also need to make sure that your husband dont try to take your kids my ex did not because I left for another man I hope you know they do give fathers the custody also now these days I never thought my ex would get my two boys but he did so be careful I wish you the best of luck but I would watch it I was always told once a cheater always a cheater so good luck!!!! ↑ |
| Name: Tena | Date: Oct 23rd, 2006 6:16 AM |
| I appreciate everyone's opinions and responses. I don't take offense to any of the comments said. I am taking into great consideration everything. I am not going anywhere until I am absolutely sure that I will be happy with the ex. I am very afraid of what is going to happen if we do get together. Lots involved. I'm not sure I'm willing to deal with all the heart ache, discussions, decisions, etc. His response to that is that he is willing to go through whatever it takes to be with me. No matter how much, how long, anything. So long as he ends up with me in the end. My children are what are most important to me. Yes, my marriage is in a rut, but somehow I think it's just me creating it. It's not really fair to my husband, but what can I do. Eventually I am going to speak to my husband about all of this. However even if I end up staying with my husband, I'm afraid that I will continue to have some kind of relationship with the ex. He and I cannot ever stop talking or seeing each other. We've already agreed on that. Yes, my biggest fear is that he will revert back to his ex wife then I'm left out in the cold. So whether I'm willing to take that chance is the big question. At this point, no I'm not. Not until I'm absolutely sure. I'll keep everyone posted. ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Oct 23rd, 2006 7:01 PM |
| It sounds like you want to be with your ex but you want to do it without disrupting the lives of everyone around you and the only way that works is if you stay in your marriage and have an affair behind your husbands back which that I wouldn't recommend.Because even that catches up to you sooner or later. The best way is to just be honest with your husband about your connection to your ex. You never know,once you explain things to him,he may make your decision for you! Meaning,either he will see to it that you will have no further contact with your ex,or your husband will help move you out! ↑ |
| Name: iknowyourpain | Date: Oct 25th, 2006 1:57 AM |
| Please be careful, your children are very important and they don't need any chaos in their lives -- you are in control of it all at this point. I cannot stress it more, please be careful and reconsider what you are thinking about doing -- if that ex wanted you so much (young or older) he would have done what was necessary then (this is just what I believe). Children are innocent and don't deserve this, and based on your comments your husband seems to be good guy, so please give him a chance and try to work things out. Everyone's relationship falls into a rut every now and then but you have to at least try to work it out. Running or catching up with your ex may seem like the right choice, but their is 2 sides to the story and beleive me, his wife has a GREAT story to tell and the sad part about it, you maybe able to relate to her -- why cause her and her children grief -- just work with the one your with. He truly sames decent and fair enough from you to work things out. ↑ |
| Name: Texas_Mom | Date: Oct 25th, 2006 2:17 AM |
Tena,
I still love my ex-husband very much, however, I know deep down inside that I would never be able to live with him again. It is perfectly normal to still love your ex while you're married to someone else. Obviously, you never had closure and neither did he. You say that your ex cheated on you. Why are you doing the same exact thing to your husband with the guy you left for doing that to you? What are you thinking? Take a break from the ex for a while and REALLY think every scenario through. You're giddy with the excitement, rekindling the spark, and the yearning for something that may or may not be there. I would suggest you be honest with your husband and put your cards on the table, face up. Let us all know what you decide. ↑ |
| Name: Tena | Date: Nov 8th, 2006 4:02 AM |
| I've decided to go to counseling to figure out what is going on. I've sinced figured that I may have married my husband for all the wrong reasons, thus making me unhappy. My ex and I are not even sure he and I are a perfect match, but we'd like to find out. However, until I figure out what is going on with my marriage -I'm not going anywhere. There are separate issues here. Did I settle for less than what my heart desired? That's how I feel. I love my ex deeply and he loves me just as much if not more. I'm not running to get a divorce for him, but I know that my ex and I are happy together. If it doesn't work out with anyone, I'm good either way. I'm thinking that perhaps this is a way to get ourselves out of our marriages that we truly didn't want to begin with. I'm reading "Lies at the Alter" which is helping me tremendously. I think I got wrapped up in the whole wedding thing and living a facade. Is this common?? ↑ |
|
|
