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Hi, we have been married fro 25 years, but my wife always said to me when we argue that "You know what I want ", and finally she made her feelings clear. Over the past 2 years, she said, she is unable to re-love me the way it was when we got married. She also said our 2nd child was convieved due to me forcing myself on her (we have 4). She said she can make love to me because she cant make love to someones she doesnt love, howver she still want me to have showers with her. Alos she said its to late to start now to be nice to the kids (21, 20, 15, 13). She says she know I love her, but she says that she cannot love me. I dont want to leave, but I am just scared or jealous that another man will satify her needs? It has been over 6mths since we made love. thnks. ↓
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| Name: pj754 | Date: Aug 16th, 2006 2:24 AM |
| You may have no choice but to start re-evaluating your relationship. Perhaps she is seeing someone else or is toying around with the idea. You may need to find out exactly where things went wrong with you two. As you look back, try to visiualize when was the last time you both laughed together? When was the last time just you two had fun together? Did the two go out for dinner or a movie together? Or did you both just get caught up with the routine of life in raising children and put each other on hold? It just sounds like something has changed for her but she doesn't come right out and say it. Exactly why doesn't she love you anymore? If she doesn't give you the answers, try to think back on your own. If you can pin point it, then try doing somethings out of the ordinary. Like purchase a new dress, purse and shoes wrapped beautifully in a box. Take her to a snazzy restaurant for a candelite dinner with dancing. Leave her special little notes throughout the house for her to find and read. Serve her breakfast in bed. Perhaps you have already tried this? ↑ |
| Name: Layne | Date: Aug 16th, 2006 3:28 AM |
peter go get some counseling even if its over and Im not saying it is....GO. because it will help you sort out the problems no matter what. maybe a minister or priest if you arent comfortable with a proffesional. I find the church helped myself the most. As for your children and being to late. IT IS NEVER TO LATE! dont let anyone tell you it is. These are your children and you have the right to mend any issue with them. if there is one.
if your wife is shutting down you will find out with the help. If it can be mended that il also come out. just go get some help for you and your kids. ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Aug 16th, 2006 1:20 PM |
| If she's so unhappy with you then why hasn't SHE left? It sounds as if SHE is playing head games. I think either she needs to be on medication for mood swings,(doesn't love you and can't make love but yet showers with you?!),or you need to leave her in order to resume a normal life for yourself. ↑ |
| Name: peter1960 | Date: Aug 23rd, 2006 3:59 AM |
Thanks pj574, Layne and Lizzi. Your advice is very good and it appears I have a long road. The purse idea worked, Barbs was very surprised and is using it ! My eldest daughter is trying her hardest with me and is being great. I'll keep reading from your advice.
Kind regards
Peter ↑ |
| Name: pj754 | Date: Aug 23rd, 2006 5:09 PM |
| To Peter--Glad to hear the purse worked. Keep doing some little things that she would never expect. Granted, it seems like you are trying to buy her love but your not. You are showering her with little gifts of appreciation. Be sure to compliment her and tell her how much you appreciate her. Sometimes, we get stuck into the same routine of our busy lives that we lose site of the little things. Sometimes you may have to put the love making on hold for awhile, too. Just putting your arm around her and holding her at night might be all she needs or can handle. I'm sure you enjoy making love to her and she loves it too. Yet, sometimes at the end of the day, all we need is to cuddle because we have ran out of energy. It doesn't mean she doesn't love you, it's just her mind is probably occupied in taking care of the children, house chorus, etc...... Even though your wife may not want to be intimate with you, she just might want you to hold her for awhile. Sometimes, my husband thinks I don't love him if we don't have sex but it's not that at all. I'm get really tired in the evening and just want him to hold me without being physical. It took a while for him to understand but it's a give and take. Goodluck. ↑ |
| Name: iknowyourpain | Date: Aug 24th, 2006 3:39 AM |
| pj754 -- Excellent advice/observation to peter1960. Your last paragraph sums it up, sometimes all we need is for our spouse to hold us at the end of the day or first thing in morning without being physical/sexual and unconditionally. ↑ |
| Name: peter1960 | Date: Aug 27th, 2006 10:38 PM |
Hi,
I am trying, but when I try to go near, the 'coldness' is high. I went and took our youngest son for a walk the other day and asked if Barb wanted to come. She bluntly said "no !", but when I left she started to cry. I went to console her after she said "that all I want is someone to love and care for me", but Barb just told me to go away. I do really love her, but if it only one way.... I wnet to give a her kiss goodmorning, but she pulled her head away and dont. It made me upset. The Beatles said "money cant buy you love", but can it save you ? I long to be just held, and I dont need that to extend to love making. How can I hold Barbs to let her know taht to ? Thanks for your support. ↑ |
| Name: Peter1960 | Date: Aug 29th, 2006 1:12 PM |
Hi,
I dont rate myself as much as a chance. It is late at night and Barbs got out of bed to put makeup on her toes. She never done that before, and I wasnt allowed to stay. I feel that its all over bar the shouting (not literally !) I've got a lump in my throat. When I suspected that she may be liking Chris the carer for our youngest son, she accused me that I said she had sex with him, now she wont even come near me and all Barb says, "i'm fine" All suggestions of Fine Dinners, Maybe a movie, all get dismissed straight away, I try to get close, but all I get is " No, dont " I feel this relationship is reversed romatically. I dont always need sex, but like to be held, Barbs just says and does what she wants and expect me just to accept or lump it. Barbs says I'm going thru anapause, male equiv of menapause, but the I still have sexual capabilites to the fullest extend, but are lonely. I dont want to leave, but I feel I dont know what do do if I do. I just got closer to my eldest son. Hes a genius at school like I was, Even with the similar character and report results to mine ! I feel even if I got Barbs the things liked or desired, it would bear no difference to her, even if given unconditionally. Help ! Should a bloke feel this way, or I am being a wous ?
Pete ↑ |
| Name: djmml | Date: Sep 15th, 2006 4:16 PM |
| Name: rocket1521 | Date: Sep 17th, 2006 8:54 AM |
The first thing you need to do is make yourself happy,because if your not happy how can you make your wife happy.Then do what she asks,don't be affaid to swollow your tongue and do what needs to be done.Go back to doing the things you did before you got married or what you were doing when you first got married.DON'T TAKE ANYTHING SHE SAYS SERIOUSLY,WHEN YOUR ARGUING WITH EACH OTHER,SHE'S TRYING TO MAKE YOU MAD/UPSET.ESPECIALLY ABOUT THE CHILDREN.One thing about your kids talk/continue to do things for them.Before you leave your home start doing this.Go out with friends and watch sports/eat/drink a couple beers(becareful when you drive home/ call a cab to take you home)have some fun with the guys."Go home say Hi/take a shower/then go to sleep".The next day she'll be made and want to talk.Tell her" let's talk when I get home from work tonight".Send her some roses.Leave work about 45 minute to an hour early,go buy a card (be thoughtful).
When you get home LISTEN TO HER THEN RESPOND,then tell her how you feel.If that doesn't work then leave,but at least you know you tried. ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Sep 17th, 2006 4:06 PM |
| Peter1960,your wife seriously needs to see a doctor. There is something wrong with her mentally,weather it be depression or bi-polar disorder,something is definitely wrong. I think to start,you need to see a doctor yourself to discuss her and her behavior and see what he/she says about it,but I bet they will want to see her so I hope for your sake your wife will at least go and see the doctor. Many people however refuse that they have a problem and won't see a doctor period. If your wife refuses to go then I'd suggest you move out and find happiness with someone else who will love you back because being in a marriage where only one person loves or wants to love then it really isn't a marriage at all. You will die from depression and a broken heart if she won't get help and you stay in this marriage. It's ultimately your decision but if she won't get help,then I think you should leave the marriage and find another elsewhere. ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Sep 17th, 2006 4:15 PM |
| I'm sorry if i upset you any with what I wrote last,but it's just that i've seen this very thing happen to someone I knew. You don't have a marriage when only you're in love and you're the only one wants to be loved. Life's too short as it is,make yourself happy if your wife doesn't want to be helped. God Bless you both and may things get better for you. ↑ |
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