Home » Pick Your Crowd » Divorced Family » I don't trust my 12 yr old daughter

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Name: Jesse

[ Original Post ]

My ex and i had a bitter divorce several years ago and we have custody of two kids. Two years ago my daughter came into my walk-in closet and stole childhood videotapes at the request of my ex who is her mother. She admitted that her mother needed them. Now i am re-married and i recently put a valuable ring given by my mother in my wife's nightstand drawer. I should have put it in a safer place. I've known that my ex always wanted that ring. Yesterday I discovered that it was missing and we suspected that my 12 yr old daughter went through my wife's jewelry. It was the only thing missing. She knew that her mother always wanted it. I had a sit down talk with her. She was very calm and cool about it and never denied my suggestion that she perhaps took it to give to her mother. She is naturally very vulnverable and easily gets upset. I was puzzled by her behavior. i had another conversation with her later that day. I explained to her that that ring which passed to me from my mother was meant to be given to her as she's the oldest child. She said nothing and showed no emotion, which is very uncharacterisitic of her. The main issue her is not the ring, but the fact that I feel very insecure in my own home and feel very betrayed by my daughter. How do I deal with this feeling of mistrust? ↓

Name: Lizzi | Date: Sep 24th, 2006 9:26 PM

She feels torn I think between you and her mom but yet she seems to be leaning more toward her moms side obviously. If that ring was meant for your daughter anyway then you should look at it like she already "got" it and she then "gifted "it to her mother. I'm sorry that you didn't get to give it to her in the way that you had hoped to. Maybe you should explain to her how you would have liked for her to recieve it from you as opposed to how she just "took" it. Maybe that will give her something to think about. If you don't want anything else "stolen" then I suggest you lock it up tight. All you can do is let your daughter know how you feel about her but also let her know that what she did was wrong because technically that was stealing but mostly you are upset because she thought she had to go behind your back and take it. Maybe start spending more quality time with her and maybe she will be more open with you in return. ↑

Name: pj754 | Date: Sep 29th, 2006 2:51 PM

Unfortunately, anything that you have personal to you, you will have to hide. Your ex is telling your daughter to search for such things because she wants them knowing perfecty well they are not hers. My ex was ignorant to me, too. I wanted my mother's ring, I knew exactly where I had it, but it just happened to disappear. No where to be found. I argued in court over it but my ex doesn't seem to know what happened to it. Then, I wanted the video tapes of my children's ultrasounds and when they were little. Well, he refused to share them or make copies of them for me. He wouldn't give up their baby books. When I had my 4th child with my new husband, I asked my daughter to get the baby night light that was at her dad's house because I already had the cord to it and it was a gift to me. She ended up sneaking it out of his house. If I asked him for it, he would have never given it to me even though I was entitled to it. You can explain to your daughter that if there is something of yours that she truly wants, then she needs to ask you directly. Tell her you want her to be honest and it's ok to ask you. Explain to her that she took the ring without asking you. That's called stealing even though you were planning to give it to her when you felt the time was right. You need to make her understand exactly how you feel. Telling her that losing someone's trust is very hard to gain back. I do hope someday she will end up with the ring. ↑