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I have been married to my husband for 16 years. He has two daughters from a previous marriage who are both adults (21 years old & 26 years old), we have one daughter together (14 years old). Throughout the years of his first two daughters raising I always treated them with respect and my husband paid child support faithfully along with all the extra's he was asked to pay for. When it came to college we also helped with our fair share! Their mother though has spoke so bad about us that both girls RARELY call or vist us unless of course they need something. This is very hurtful! They will side with their mom no matter what she says, and I am sure she hasn't always been truthful. The oldest daughter lived with us from 9th grade until she went to college, now she is married with a child. Her mother (the ex) always e-mails my husband saying he should still help her financially because they need the help. (The oldest daughter is going back to college even though we helped pay for 4 years of college, but now she wants to be a nurse and her husband works two jobs and makes a good living, we are suppose to support them so she can go to college again---I don't think so) (I was raised that if you got married and you took on the responsibility of a family that you need to provide for them, if they need the money then maybe she should look for work and go to school part-time or put it on hold until they can afford it) My husbands middle daughter is 21 years old and is going to college, which we help pay for, she lives with her boyfriend and we help pay their rent (which I don't agree with)!!! They are planning to get married, but of course that is planned after all tuition/books will be paid for-in 2008! Anyway, I am SO frustrated!!! My step-children do not buy gifts for their half sister most of the time because they don't have money. She recently had a birthday and neither of them even sent a card! They also do not send my husband or me birthday gifts or cards...on occasion they will call us and wish us a happy birthday. They seem to think that we "owe" them....we have given them MANY material things....along with love, but I guess we don't get that in return their mother though is always paying their way for things.....she is an open check book and they feel we should be to! To me this does not show the girls any lessons, she is just trying to buy their love. They (the ex and the daughters) think we are rolling in money since we have a nice house and nice cars and think we should just hand it over. I was not raised that way....my husband and I have worked hard for what we have and we have helped them financially all these years, but it has to stop sometime!!!! Any advice out there?????????????? I want to say something to them SO bad, but I know it won't help. They are jealous of my husband and I's daughter so maybe that is why they don't treat her like a sister, I know it hurts her very much. We always remember their birthdays with calls and gifts. The point is it is the thought that counts not how much is spent. They could go to a Dollar Store! They don't even call us much, we only exist in their eyes as a bank. ↓
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| Name: jillw | Date: Dec 1st, 2006 10:22 PM |
| It is sad, but you can not change people. I would tell them that they are grown and that it is their job to pay their own bills. I can tell you that my parents are very well off and have helped me out in times of need, but they have never just given me anything. They are great parents, but have worked very hard to be successful they teach me and my brothers the same lesson. Nothing in life comes free or easy. Their mother is not teaching them anything about being adults by giving them what ever they want. I know that the more effort that you put into trying to have a good relationship with them the more it hurts when they don't return the feelings. I don't want to say cut ties, but stop allowing them to hurt your family. let them know what is expected of them and that you love then. That is all you can do. Good luck. ↑ |
| Name: tweetybird4 | Date: Dec 2nd, 2006 5:29 AM |
| pjc---so sorry to hear about your troubles. Sometimes, you have to give tough love. Shame on the girls for expecting to have their cake and eat it, too. Since, you both provided the girls for their necessities, what kind of money you have is really none of their business. I agree, the 26 year old needs to figure things out on her own instead of looking for a helping hand. You have to work hard to get ahead in life. Some are more fortunate than others. I wouldn't be so willing to help. They are at an age to learn how to figure things out on their own. When they get the idea that you are not going to always be there to pick of the peices, it would be a good lesson for them to learn. I would tell them that you just don't feel comfortable helping out at this time. Are the things they are asking for a matter of needs or wants? They have to learn how to prioritize their finances. If the 26 year old wants to go back to college and she can't afford it then I wouldn't pay for it. Wasn't the prior 4 years to help her get a job? Don't worry about the bad mouthing. If that's how they are judging you both then they will never appreicate anything you give them. I would tell them that I've done my responsibility to them and now it's their turn to step up to the plate and take care of things on their own. Otherwise, they need to go without. It certainly sounds like they are using you both if they can't even give you or their little sister any consideration. They sound very greedy and selfish. I hope things will work out but you have to learn to tell them, "No, you can't help out, not at this time!" Be prepared for them all to get angry and not speak to you but if all you mean to them is a checkbook then there is absolutely no love within them. Please, I mean no disrepsect to you, I'm sorry to hear this. I moved out on my own when I was 19 years old and only asked my dad for help once. He said no, he couldn't and from that point on, I made sure I figured things out on my own. Over the years, he got mad because when there were times that I could have used his helped, my pride wouldn't allow me to ask him. I remembered when he said no that one time and didn't want to ever hear it again. I'm sure you'll make the right decisions and I certainly hope they will see the error of their ways. ↑ |
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