|
Hello everyone, I am going through a custody change and was wondering how others have turned out. 3 years ago, I divorced my ex because he was phsycial and mentally abusive to me and the children. Yet, I had trouble proving his abuse with the children because he had people come into to court and lie by saying he was a wonderful father. Anyways, I was awarded primary custodial parent of the 3 children. However, I have had a constant struggle with my oldest son's behavior, who is now 13. He would report back to his father everything that goes on in my home. Plus, he would lie and cover for his dad, if he dad was doing something completely wrong as a parent. He would argue and lie to me almost everyday about getting his school work completed. I would reward him with good behavior but once his grades started slipping, I would take his rewards and priviledges away. Finally, on Mother's Day weekend, my oldest and I got into an arguement and he shoved me into a wall. He called his father to come and get him. Then after Memorial Day weekend, his father tells me that my oldest wants to live with him full time. It broke my heart to hear that. I love all my children dearly. I strongly feel my oldest is doing this because he doesn't like the rules in my home and yet he can get away with what ever he wants at his dad's home. There is no discipline or structure in his home. The other two children have stated that my oldest uses them as a punching bag while they are at their fathers. Yet their father insists that kind of behavior doesn't happen in his home. However, my 7 year old wrote a journal at school that his older brother was choking him with a rope. In turn, their father tells them that behavior is just the way brothers and sisters play. I've had other parents tell me they won't allow their children to go to my ex's home because they feel there is no responsible parenting. I realize I can't control my ex's home but I can control how my children behave. I explain to them they need to make right and wrong decision, no matter where they are at. Soon, I am going back to court for custody change of my oldest, yet I don't want to force him to come back home because I feel he will create more disrruption and might hurt the other three including me. I want to do what's best for him and make him happy but his father is not the best role model. I feel my oldest thinks that physical abuse is ok because he's seen his father do it. I am going to request that my oldest goes through some counseling before the judge decides for the custody change because in the future, I don't want him to take his aggressions out on a girlfriend or a wife. My 12 year old doesn't want to go to her father's for visitation. She hates going especially in the summer months when he gets 4 weeks--2 weeks consecutively. My youngest child doesn't mind going but after about 1 week, he's ready to come home to me. The other two children don't give me the trouble that my oldest did. They do their homework and follow rules. When they do wrong, they accept their punishment and move on with living. I am trying so hard to teach these children how to be responsiblie individuals and learn how to deal with negative people in their lives. I've explained that they will experience different characteristics of other people that they have to learn to deal with while they are in high school and the work force. Yet, everytime I try to take steps forward with them, their father is always trying to pull them back more steps. I've tried to have an adult conversation with their father about us being their parents and working together on the children's best interest. Well, he turns around and tells the kids, I'm a piece of crap and he doesn't turst a word I say. He doesn't want to pay child support, he's doesn't follow the rules of our divorce papers. He's the type that does what ever he wants despite what anyone tells him. Will the law ever step in and see exactly what he is all about? Will they ever reprimand him for his irresponsibility? I can only hope and pray. I keep plugging along day by day and fight for what I believe is right, for the children's sake. Yet, I feel I've completely lost my oldest son and can only hope one day he will open his eyes and see that his father isn't all that cracked up to be. His father lies constantly, not only to me but to the children and everyone else he comes into contact with. I'd have to say, since my oldest has been gone, my home runs alot smoother. The other two have expressed that they are glad their brother is gone because he is not here to try to hurt them. Yet, they are afraid of what he might do while at their father's house. However, I believe their father has told my oldest to be on his best behavior with them because we are going back to court. Just a note, if my 12 year old was to get on the court stand to speak her opinion about this situation, it would completely destroy her dad. Yet, she is afraid to say anything in front of him for fear of what he might do or say to her. I'm ok with letting my oldest go with his father if that's what he wants but I would like to see if I could lesson their father's visitation of the other two for their safety. I'm looking for any suggestions of other parent's experiences on their custody issues. ↓
|
|
| Name: Serina S | Date: Jun 29th, 2006 4:39 PM |
When my step daught has a bad time with her MOm she wants to move in. I do not think that helps. Kids need to have rules.They act like they hate them but in the end makes them better peple. We have even morr rules here that at the ex home. Like they have to bush their teeth in the moring and @ bed and hang up their coats, clean up the messes they make , help out make their own beds., oh big one no Tv or movies not for their age group ,no rolling of the eyes when being spoken too ( I hate that!!!.. Oh they are 14 son Bipolar and daugher 12. These rules are not at the exs house She might tell them to do it but no fallow through
Re Court...
Get people to stand by you in court & find folks that have seen the behavior of your son and your ex this will help your case. Bring up the he speeks bad of youto the kids and youdo not do that .Also, tell the court that he's doesn't follow the rules of our divorce papers.GET A LAWYER you might be able to get a court appointed attorney. Keep a Diary of event and tings said. See you the kids can meet with the judge with out the parents . They might be able to ge to the truth.Explain how you feel and your kids.
Get your son and family to counseling, You should do thiis before the court date. Some work on a sliding scale See if the court will get your ex be more cooperative & make hime go to counseling too ( not with you of course).
Your ex need to realize thatone of the most damaging things a parent can to is speek badly about the ex in front of or in ear shot of the kids.
Blessings. ↑ |
| Name: Pedra | Date: Jun 29th, 2006 6:02 PM |
Your son sounds a bit like my son was in the beginning. The first time he got mad at me since I disciplined him he told me he wanted to live with Dad. I told him right there and then not to play games with me. I told him if that is what he wanted to live with him he had better let me know when he is not mad and I will consider it but I would not play the back and forth game. My children are not as comfortable at their dads though since their dad phoned cps and made allegations and they questioned them. My children told cps that my home is a lot more kid friendly. They are not allowed to touch a lot of stuff at their dads. But I think it is typical behavior for a 13 year old to test boundaries.
All of the lack of rules at your ex's will backfire so hard on him. Your son wants to have it easy but he will appreciate you. It sounds like your son is taking the pain of the divorce out on you by his anger. I think he is angry with the divorce. I think he probably loves you but hates that there are so many disagreements over the rules and it is easier to take dads side right now because he knows you will always love him but maybe not sure dad will unless he takes his side. This is sad but I think this because this is what my son has done in the past. Another thing to keep in mind is your own safety. Maybe your son thinks he will get violent again with you and since he loves you so much he doesn't want to take that chance. It does not mean it would be best for him to stay with dad necessarily but if you can get him into couseling. Maybe tell him if he goes with you to counseling they can help him take control of his anger so that you can all live peacefully together. Mabey you can tell him that with early intervention he can be a calm successful man but that it is critical that he gets help so that he does not become a violent adult. You need to be safe and deserve to be safe but you can also be safe with your son in the house with the right type of help. Anger management is good. ↑ |
| Name: pj754 to Serina & Pedra | Date: Jul 1st, 2006 2:48 PM |
Thank you for your thoughts and suggestions. I realize my son is trying to please his dad and still loves me. It just breaks my heart that he has allowed his father to influence. My lawyer and I are going to try to get him into counseling so he can learn how to deal with his anger. Just yesterday, my daughter had to go to visitation with her father for two weeks. She stood here and cried because she didn't want to go. After all the things my ex and step parents have done to me, it breaks my heart to see them doing the same things to my children. My step parents have sided with my ex because I feel their behavior is unacceptable. They are alcoholics and speak negatively about everyone they come in contact behind their backs. When I met my fiance, all they did was bad mouth him to me. All I wanted was the happiness I deserved, not only for myself but for the kids, too. They said they could see a difference in me but they still side with my ex. My dad loves the fact that my ex has his lips hooked to his butt. Yet , my fiance won't put up with that. My dad has told my ex that if I ever get out of line, to go ahead and smack me around which he did. That's one of the reasons why I left him. Then my ex tries telling the kids that pushing, shoving and punching is sibling play??? I just don't want the children to resent they way they treat them to affect them when they get older. I'm trying so hard to break the cycle. I haven't spoken to my parents in over a year because I disagree with their kind of behavior. So, I'm a piece of crap in their eyes. Nothing I ever do is good enough.
I just hope that when I go to court next week, the judge will be willing to speak to my 13 year old son and 12 year old daughter privately. My daughter will tell him exactly what her father has done to me and them. She doesn't want to spend time with her father. They deserve to be heard. Yet, it seems like the law protects the wicked ones. However, I am keeping a positive spirit and will keep fighting for the kids sake. I can only hope pray what my ex and step parents do my children and me, will come back around 10x more upon them. I'm a lot happier with my fiance and everyone has seen it. I truly believe my parents and ex don't want to see me happy. They are miserable with themselves and they try to bring everyone else down with them. As the saying goes, misery loves company.
Serina, I have rules in my home just like you do. Kids need discipline and my 12 year old realizes it. She knows when she does wrong, she has to be punished, yet she knows we love her dearly. She knows we are trying to teach her for her adult life. It feels good when your own children tell you so. I don't like the idea of my son going to live with his dad because he doesn't like the rules in my house. Yet, I have made it perfectly clear, I do not have a revolving door. When things go south with his father coming back to live with me is not going to be the answer. He needs to learn how to deal with things.
Thanks again ladies, it's nice to know there are people out there with similiar situations. ↑ |
| Name: Serina S | Date: Jul 5th, 2006 1:01 PM |
I am sorry PJ i was not clear.
I was say that you are the one with the rules but you ex does not
have them. So he wants to go to his dads.
Ilisted rules of my house to show you how basic hygene is not even followed and his exs house( just venting).
No offence I think you family(Dad ESP) stinks. It makes me ill thinking you Dad thinks you should be hit. MY Step father would knock anyones light out if they hit me. He is a quite kind man but would protect his family to the end!
You should be proud of yourself that you left.VERY SMART!!!!
You could tell your lawyer to ask the judge to see the kids 1 @ a time..They might do it???
I hope all goes your way for you & the safty and well being of the kids.
I will keep praying for you!!
Blessings!!! ↑ |
| Name: Serina S | Date: Jul 5th, 2006 8:20 PM |
| Well, good new, we went into court today and the judge dismissed the case. He was to provide phsyical evidence of abuse for him to make a case. Well, guess what? The abuse was to me by him, not me abusing him. This floored my ex. He was very angry with me and thought we had an agreement on the understanding. I had suggested counseling which he felt wasn't any neeed because he didnt' want a phsyic picking his brain apart. Yet, I explained counseling/pyshictrist were sort of the same thing. It's someone to talk to about the problems festering. Oh my gosh!! He got P.O.!!! He was expecting me to sign off on my son so easily. Well, now he's extremely mad because he had to waste a court date on this issue not to mention to force counseling. I truly beieve the child wants to think for himself but his dad and my step dad keep stepping in. The child knows there is a reaction to every decision he makes. Yet, he is listening to the wrong individual. I just don't want him to ever think I never cared. My heart is torn. I am trying to make him understand right from wrong but his father thinks differently. God, I can only pray, he comes to his senses. Thanks for your advice, I trruly appreciate it!!! It's so nice to talk with others. ↑ |
| Name: pj754 to Serina S | Date: Jul 5th, 2006 8:22 PM |
| Sorry Serina that last post was from me. ↑ |
| Name: Serina | Date: Jul 8th, 2006 2:56 AM |
YEEAAAAA!!! I am so happy for you & even happier that you ex has to go to counseling! I hope you son will go to and be open and honest some kids feel it is there falt that the parents are not with eachother. Just keep doing a great with them.
Trust me Iknow how hard it is to hold your tonge when the ex is nutz and not kind or rashional. My hubbies ex is a real broken glass pill to swallow!! But ever time the kids go home I say be nice to Mom & help her out with out being asked!!!Ya know that kind of thing. What I would like to say is tell yur Mother not to be such a pain in the A_ _!!!
You know you might be able to use some counseling too Just to help you deal with all the issues your ex and son are in right now. They might have ideas on how to deal with the behaviors & help you feel more in controll? Just a thought
Very best of luck to you!!! ↑ |
| Name: lindsey | Date: Jul 10th, 2006 8:02 PM |
| i need to know about what happens and what i can do after child has been removed ↑ |
| Name: pj754 to Lindsey | Date: Jul 10th, 2006 9:05 PM |
| Just a question? Has your child been removed from your home or is about to leave? Yes, it hurts terribly. When my son called his dad to come and get him, I hurt deeply inside. I felt like I was lost without him because he was my first child even though I had three others at home with me. It felt like he turned his back on family. What you need to do is not to always think it's about you but think about them. Yeah, this is easier said than done, however, it will help you to get through it. Even through I had my day in court where the judge dismissed my case, my ex is lying to my son by telling him the case got continued. He keeps making him think, he is going to live with his dad permanently and that I don't want him anymore. Well, little does my ex know, when his 2 vacation visitation weeks are over, I am getting my son back. My son will be very surprized and probably angry with the whole situation but I'm not giving up on him. I'm trying to give him a chance of a good life despite what his father thinks. I still call to speak to him and talk with him as much as I can when I do see him. Yet, when the times comes for my ex to bring the other two children back home and I am going to make sure my son is included. Oh, my ex will put up a strong fight and I might have to get the law after him, but court orders are not to be reckoned with. I am going through counseling myself and I am setting up counseling appointments for my son as well. I was awarded primary care giver and that's what intend to do. My son needs to hear things from a counselor that I have been saying to him all along. Hoping he will see for himself that the words of wisdom is from a neutral party and not just mom, too. I'm not going to give in to his bad behavior just so he can run me over like a train on a track but he will learn to understand, I am doing things out of love for him. He might rebel and yet, he might not. He might be ready to come home. He might be tired of listening to his dad. He's been in his dad's care for a month and a half. All you can do is love and guide them. ↑ |
| Name: Serina S | Date: Jul 11th, 2006 4:50 PM |
Dear Pj
I think you are doing the right thing for you and the kids. Your son may be happy to come home but may not want you to know so like you said he might pitch a fit . I am so glad that you are going to a counseler to help you with youex and family likfe We all need help some time .I find that outsiders give even better advise then someone close to you.
God Bless & may you enjoy some peace & fun this summer!!! ↑ |
|
|
