Just like there is no magic pill or exercise you can do to lose weight, there is no secret way to heal from bulimia. You just stop doing it. If you wake up each day saying, "Today I'll stop." or "I'll stop after I eat this donut." then you can forget it. You just have to decide that when the moment comes that you are tempted, you just won't do it. I know I'm making this seem too easy and it's not easy at all but we can't give this disease so much power over us. It's ridiculous.
I think the worse part of it all is that the quickest way to recovery is to have a strong support system made up of close friends and family yet it's those same people who are too uncomfortable or afraid to talk about it with us. If I had a friend who called me once a day and boldly asked me, "Did you throw up today?" I guarentee I would have more courage to get better.
It's almost as if bulimia is equivalent to having the flu. Once you've told someone they are deeply concerned and give as many suggestions as they can think of to help relieve your symptoms but as days become weeks and weeks become months your eating disorder seems like a bad dream they had that they maybe haven't forgotten but it still doesn't seem real to them. The truth is that like me, they are in denial. It took me many years to admit that I have a serious problem and I still struggle with denial to this day so it is natural that our friends and family will spend many years in denial. How can I be impatient with them?
I know the real person to blame for my issues is myself but I guess what I've learned is that if I ever encounter someone who I suspect has an eating disorder, regardless of whether or not I've healed from my own yet, I will most certainly confront them in the most gentle and loving way I know how and make sure that each and every day they know that I will be there to listen and encourage them just as I wish I had someone who had the strength to do this for me.
Now back to the "secret" way to recover from bulimia...I know that I just need to stop doing it, that when I have the desire to binge, I must simply refuse and the desire will pass. If I refuse my desire enough times in a row then the desire will lessen and lessen and I will continue to refuse and refuse. At some point I may be considered a success story, a woman who fought her addiction through all of it's hellish obstacles. Of course I would love to be that woman but if I were to believe that's who I am now then I am still in denial. I am not that woman.
Here is my prayer and you can just read it or you can say it to God with me::
Lord, I am so sorry for how selfish and disgusting I've been. I've said this often to you and often have I asked for your forgiveness for these things and I know you always do but in my human nature I cannot forgive myself. My guilt is a plague that never seems to die and the only thing that keeps me from being freed of it is my own inability to completely accept that you can renew me. I am so sorry that I cannot comprehend your love and cannot comprehend your infinate power to heal your creations but I will ask you again, for the thousandth time, please send whatever and whoever you will to me at this time and allow me to understand you and myself and what I need to do to put YOU before this disease. The Lord in Heaven is my master, not food or weight control. It is silly to put these things before you since these things do not love me and these things do not grant me eternal life. I love you so much and I thank you endlessly for every amazing friend, family member, learning experience, wise word, and kind word spoken to me. Thank you for allowing me to live another day and for giving me a chance each day to choose a better path. I know I'm not worthy of what I have but you've made me into a beautiful woman inside and out and it is my heart's desire to be a bright light in this world. Please make me wise and help me to cast out all of the evil and dark things in my heart. AMEN. ↓
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