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I think a lot about who I am. Am i punk, goth, emo, scene...so on. my friends says that i should be MYSELF. but i like want to BE SOMEONE. so, im 13 by the way. and i have done lots of changes. in age 12 i discovered hippies and i desperately wanted to be one. i really disliked people who wore only black and were really depressed. i wanted to feel free and colorful all the time. but in summer is discovered, that i dont have that kind of clothes what that style needs, and actually i didnt like hippies clothes. so i took a brake, and then school year started. one my friend colored her eyes with eye-pencil. i thought that was stupid. but then i started to use masacre and eye-pencil, too. AND then i saw one girl in our school (shes 16 now, she was in our one lesson, talking about emos and stufff), and she wears only black. shes goth. she truly is. and then i tried to turn into that, too. i started to research about emos and all kind of stuff. i tried to be emo. i tried to be scene. i tried to be goth and i tried to be punk. sometimes i feel so depressed, that i dont talk at school and i dont smile at all. one monday i felt so and my friends asked like whats wrong, and in that moment i just wanted to cry. but i didnt, because everyone would start asking "whats happend? omgomgomg". then i tried to be scene. i had all kind of brown color hair and bit of blonde too, and then i had two purple stripes. and when the spring holiday started in school, i went to my best relatives place. she has black hair and shes really interested in Japanese rock-music and that style. and then one day at her place, i decided that we color my hair into red. so we did it. it looked really awsome, so i went home and my mom only asked "what happend to your hair?" she really didnt care. but she has colored her hair into orange/red, so she wouldnt mind. so, now few days ago, i colored my hair black ! my mom was really pissed and she said i look ugly. that my white skin, black hair and lots of make up on eyes is really ugly. i only laughed at her. in that same evening (she was in the living room, in computer & i was in the kitchen) I said to her, i shave my eyebrows and start to draw them. my mom got really angry and yelled "why are you doing this? do you need attention?!" i just smiled a bit and went to my room. the room thing. i have to share it with my sister. we live in a six room house. my mom and dad broke up last year, bit before x-mas, i really didn't cared about it. our dad visit us often (its bit annoying). i dont get along with my sister at all. i would like to be really close to her. shes 5 btw. we beat each other often. and im not so close to my mom anymore. and my fathers mom doesnt understand me at all, why black hair and blahblahblah. but my fathers dad is kinda cool. he accepts me as i am. and my mom-mom and mom-dad hasnt see me yet with black hair. i guess they dont make a scene about it. but i would like to do so many things and do so many things, but i dont have money. and i dont have many friends. and those who i have aren't like me at all. anyone of them doesnt listen the same music as i. lately i got one new friend. she is almost like me but shes more goth. and we are not very close, we just talk on the street when we meet and so, we dont hang out together outside. and the cutting topic is really popular. i dont know why im doing it. it first started in the beginning of the year. i had really good internet friend. i really liked him, but i dont where he is now, he isnt in MSN at all. so he said i have to stop it. i was really proud. my first cut was in school, when i had paper-knife and i was really angry in my two friends. i told them ill cut if u wont stop. and then i just did it. it wasnt deep, but blood camed out. at the same day i took the same paper-knife, went to school toilet and scrathed my left arm and hand. now i have scars. when i got really angry on my mom and i cant say or do anything, i cut myself, with the paper-knife. well, i kinda enjoy having scars and feeling the pain. but i dont have to do it. i really dont need it but i want to do it. i have pretty much told about everything. and that internet friend, he turned me into this. thanks to him, i started listen other music and so. i have stereo in my room and when my music is on, my mom always makes suprised face and asks, who can you listen this ? im pretty much shy with new people, i dont know what to talk about, especally when their boys. i have also a dog, who i really loved, but now i dont care about her at all. i only yell on her, i dont pat her or anything, i just watch that she gets eat, wont get hit by car, or dont shit into my room. i really want to travel and get away from this place. i think somewhere is better. weird. i hated black, but now i love it. i want that peaople SEE me in the crowd. but first of all, i want more friends, and that my mom would understand me and be more like me ! please tell me who i am. OH ! and last topic - SUICIDE. i have thought about it. to make it. i sometimes feel my life really pointless. when i was 12 , i already had a plan how to make one. once i ran away from home. but my mom said that lets forget it and promise i wont do it again. but right now i want to do it. anyway, i have thought how to make suicide, too many times even. i wanted to shoot myself into head, with my fathers police gun. i wanted to jump off a building. i wanted to take lots of sleeping pills. i really sometimes find i want to die. and i guess im bisexual. one day i really pissed two of my friends off. and three days ago my best friend (so called, sometimes i feel i love her, but sometimes shes os rude....) asked am i lesbian, i laughed and said im too young. and my other friend who was standing there too said that it doesnt matter how old i am, i just feel it. and i have to admit, i have fantasised about women and girls. even more then about boys and man. i would really like to sex with a girl and a boy. i guess i am bi. but its weird to say because im so young, but i really like girls and boys. my mom doesnt know. i like to smoke and drink, but i dont do it often, because i cant buy it myself and i dont have anyone who would buy. i tell everyone i dont smoke and drink, coz its bad. but i do it. and i like to make new pictures about my self, but i dont like to show them to people in internet and finally i delete them all, because i find then ugly. and im fat like cow! i am, i am overweight ! i always think - STOP ! dont eat anymore, but i think always, ok, today ill eat, but not tomorrow. and this is how its gone like whole 6 months. please, tell me who i am, and what do you think about me, because am i over-reacting? am i doint this for attention. and i would really like to have someone like me ! all the best - Emma. ↓
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| Name: ..RoSey.. | Date: Apr 22nd, 2008 7:16 AM |
are you a MOM with a TEEN son / daughter ???
If not... why are you telling your life story in here?? this is A MOMS WITH TEENS forum. ↑ |
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