Hi there. I posted my story on another person's message board, but wanted to seek advice myself as well.
My girlfriend originaly got pregnant at 13, when I was 15. Our parents made us marry two years later when we were 17 and 15. I had to quit regular school, and homeschool, and work almost fulltime to take care of my new wife and baby. She had to homeschool, and drop out of school activites like volleyball and cheerleading, to take care of the baby.
Our daughter is now 3, and my wife is pregnant again, and wants an abortion this time.
anyways, my wife is actually pregnant again at 17, and wants an abortion with this one, and knows I disagree with that. I think she is scared by the fact of maybe having two young children as a teenager yet.
I want her to have our son or daughter, more than anything, but am ofcourse not going to try and force her to do anything either way. All I do when she talks with me about it, is state that I am against it.
Right now though, neither of our families know, except for me and her.
I told her if she does go through with it, I may go through with an operation myself that renders me unable to have kids anymore, because I don't know if I'd beable to trust in the future that she wouldn't want to do it again, and it hurts alot just thinking about it.
We have had a wonderful young marriage so far, until this disagreement arose.
she is a very small petite bubble girl, full of energy and life, the kind you can't help but to love. ↓
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| Name: Lizzi | Date: Oct 1st, 2006 3:18 AM |
| She may be scared that she can't handle a second child or maybe she fears you can't really afford a second one. You need to find out her reasons. If you are still much in love with each other and married,then I can't imagine her wanting to abort,especially when you are already a family and she looks into the face of the one you already have everyday. Be sure your marriage is as solid as you believe and talk to your wife. There may be more going on than meets the eye. You should not think of fixing yourself unless you are absolutely sure you and your wife will be together forever,because if you want more kids and she does not then if your marriage doesn't last then you may want to start a new family with someone else who would love to have more children,so don't rob yourself of that just yet. Talk to your wife and find out why she doesn't want the baby and go from there. ↑ |
| Name: littlemom | Date: Oct 1st, 2006 4:06 AM |
| Hi Marco, I'm not sure what she would be afraid of since you are there with her and your little one and working hard to support them. But anytime a woman wants an abortion the motivation is selfishness. And especially in this case. Listen, once upon a time it was quite the normal thing for a girl to marry at thirteen and begin having as many children as the Lord gave she and her husband. It wasn't even something that was debated or thought about very hard that was married life. And may I mention as well, that children are a blessing and a gift to marriages from God. This should be the happiest years of your life together. Your wife is not thinking of you or the little life inside of her she is thinking only of herself. Sounds like she needs a wake up call and a smack of reality. Would she kill your three year old? What is the difference? Ask her that~ just how selfish is this woman? Most women would love to have a committed husband and do not, shame on her. You need to be very firm with her in this situation and do not give in. ↑ |
| Name: marco3502 | Date: Oct 1st, 2006 5:13 PM |
Well, I can't imagine ever breaking up our marriage, and she is the only one I would ever want to be with.
She's like me though, she wanted to wait until we were like 23, 24and out of college to have more children. That is not what happened though. I ask her if she could really 10 years from now look back, and think about the child we could have had if she goes through with this.
I told her that I would even work extra to make sure we have everything. I work in construction and concrete right now, and am taking college online courses. She is a homeschool/stay at home mom in what would be her senior year in highschool.
She wants her diploma, and to go onto college, and is afraid with another baby, she won't.
I told her she is so young that college will always be there, but a baby is more important. She has me to as her husband, and I would make sure she'd beable to go to college. My older sister has even said she would help with babysitting our little girl, even though she doesn't know about the new one yet. ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Oct 1st, 2006 7:14 PM |
| IF YOUR WIFE'S ONLY FEAR IS NOT BEING ABLE TO GO BACK AND START COLLEGE THEN SET A PLAN IN MOTION NOW FOR HER TO POSITIVELY 100% BE ABLE TO GO BACK. MAKE A PLAN FOR WHEN THE BABY IS JUST A COUPLE OF MONTHS OLD THAT YOUR WIFE CAN START HER COLLEGE CLASSES. IF POSSIBLE,SEE IF SHE CAN GO AHEAD AND EVEN SIGN UP NOW FOR AFTER THE BABIES BORN. THIS WAY IT GIVES HER SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO KNOWING HER DREAM IS REALLY GOING TO HAPPEN! TELL HER IF AFTER THIS CHILD COMES IF SHE WANTS TO HAVE NO MORE THEN O.K. BUT THIS ONE IS ALREADY ON THE WAY AND PLEASE KEEP IT! LINE UP A RELIABLE SITTER FOR YOUR CHILDREN NOW IN ADVANCE FOR WHEN YOUR WIFE CAN GO BACK TO SCHOOL. ASSURE HER EVERYTHING WILL WORK OUT AND DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO TO MAKE SURE IT DOES TO KEEP HER DREAM ALIVE AND KEEP HER HAPPY,AND YOU WILL BE HAPPY TOO BECAUSE YOU WILL HAVE THIS BABY! ↑ |
| Name: marco3502 | Date: Oct 1st, 2006 8:50 PM |
Thank you Lizzi, and that is exactly what I have been trying to do. Last night, we both had a long talk about everything, and I think I may be breaking through to her. She'd seen her sister's baby, and smiled, and kind of touched her own tummy softly again. I notice these signs.
That is a good plan; thank you, and you even said somethings I hadn't thought of myself. I am praying everytth9ing will work out. Not many teenage marriages, families work out, but ours has been a blessing thus far, and I am determined ours stays that way. ↑ |
| Name: marco3502 | Date: Oct 1st, 2006 9:25 PM |
| Also, I think my wife always did want more children, just not at 17 years old yet. We had always talked about having maybe 3 or 4 children, when we were older, like middle, early 20's or so. ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Oct 3rd, 2006 7:58 PM |
| marco3502,you have a sincere strong desire to keep your family together and happy. I think as long as you think ahead and make good plans then everything should fall into place. I believe if your wifes love is as strong as yours then you have nothing to worry about. I think it's really special that you notice the little things about her,that's awesome! She has a wonderful h8usband in you and I hope she realizes that,(Though I'm sure she does!) Please keep me posted,I'd love to hear how things turn out,and may God Bless you and your family! ↑ |
| Name: jamcarant | Date: Oct 4th, 2006 1:16 AM |
hi marco. you sound like a very mature young man, and very considerate at that. don't listen to 'littlemom'. from the posts i have read of hers, she doesn't have any good advice for anyone. don't let her make you feel bad about anything.
being pregnant at a young age is hard, trust me. i've been there. i've also had an abortion because i was talked into it by the baby's father. it will stay with her for the rest of her life. i'm not trying to tell you/her what to do or what not to do, because i am pro-choice. i just know from experience. whatever you do, just keep being there to support her.
about the operation, i think there are certain restrictions you have to meet to even be able to get it done. i don't know about the males, but i'm pretty sure there are for females.
i wish you luck in whatever she decides to do. ↑ |
| Name: marco3502 | Date: Oct 4th, 2006 7:33 PM |
Thank you jamcarant and Lizzi for your kind words. I am trying to be the best most responsible husband and dad that I can be. I am still learning ofcourse how to be a husband and father, and my dad has been a big help with that.
My wife's parents have let us rent the upstairs apartment in their garge, so we could save money and go to college, and still have a happy family life.
If you had when I was 14 still that I had an adorable lil blue eyed girl calling me daddy, I'd have laughed, but that is where I am now, and I am doing the best I can to make sure they are taken care of and loved.
I know my wife loves me just as much as I love her. It's just I think she got a litle scared about ythe fact of having two children, and not even 18 years old yet. But, she has me, and both of our parents are standing behind us and supporting us. When we were 15 and 13, and fist told our parents that we were having a baby, they wee furious, but after a while things calmed down, and they helped us in anyway they could. Like i said, they made us marry 2 years later at 17 and 15.
Since the birth of our daughter 3 years ago, we have used birth control, but somehow she has gotten pregnant again. I think I am slowly changing her mind, and she hasn't said so yet, but I think her desire to keep the baby may be growing stronger. I think she is finally realizing that she wouldn't be able to live with herself, if she gave our baby up. We have had many long talks, and I am feeling more secure about the situation now.
One thing I'd like to say though is, just because our young marriage has been a success, and we both love one another very much, that doesn't mean that I would support other kids in the future having children at such a young age.
I mean I love my wife, and daughter more than anything, but we still would have been together even if we hadn't ade that mistake at such a young age, and would have gotten married in our early twenties instead, and led a normal college life, instead of online classes, and working 55 hours a week as a concrete, and construction worker. I basically started doing that as soon as my daughter was born, and we were married.
Ilooked at all of my buddies in highscool playing basketball, football, soccer, and just having fun with parties and such.
The same with my wife. She loved being a cheerleader, and playing volleyball, but gave that up to take care of our child.
we are both very happy, and in love, but we also do regret many of the things we are missing like other kids are doing in highscool and college.
Now, I do have my highschool diploma, and my wife is getting hers next spring, and we will both evenutally graduate from college, but it won't be like it could have been. ↑ |
| Name: MommySWKER | Date: Oct 5th, 2006 2:21 AM |
Littlemom, littlemom. You really need a reality check and stop shaming along w/using the word "selfish" over and over again. The sad thing is you keep refrencing to God in the same paragraph.
Anyway, Marco. I am a mental health social worker and my advice would be for both of you to go to a pregnency center for help and see a counselor. Better yet, if you have private ins, see a psychiatrist who specializes in family therapy to help you through this. You guys are very young and I have to say I'm very impressed w/you being so devoted. She is scared and doesn't want to go through this again. What are her and your goals in life? Maybe she feels she will never reach them if she has this second child. I know you said you had to quit school. You will need at least your GED to get a decent job and at least do it for yourself. You will regret it for the rest of your life. Trust me, I see it everyday. As the father, you need to assure your wife she will be safe and secure w/your support. Tell her how this will will happen and tell her the plan. She can't feel alone in this. You guys will grow up fast going the rate you are at, but you still will "find" yourselves down the road. Abortion is hard for fathers and fathers are often left on the way side. Birth control is so very important and I'm proud of you for wanting to take the lead on this if your wife isn't going to. ↑ |
| Name: MommySWKER | Date: Oct 5th, 2006 2:28 AM |
| Sorry Marco, I didn't read everything until after the fact. GOOD FOR YOU AND MOM FOR GETTING YOUR DEGREES!!!! That's so impressive especially working an exhausting job, being married, raising a child, etc. When I was your age I was working, but always thinking about what party to go to next. I bet you are a great dad. ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Oct 5th, 2006 3:23 PM |
| marco3502,I applaud you!!!!!! You are more adult than some adults in this situation!!! Give yourself a pat on the back and hug your parents because they have obviously raised up a fine young man!!!!!! I mean that sincerely,I really do! I am so glad that you have your parents support. Be thankful that you can live where you do for both discounted rent purposes as well as having family so near to help out. You are extremely lucky,so please show your gratitude to your parents! I think you and your wife and family are going to be just fine! You are certainly NOT the typical teen love and pregnancy situation. (Which i am NOT a fan of at all!) You seem to be doing everything right given the situation and i think that's wonderful and i wish you and your little family all the best! You have the right plans in mind,so just stick to them and I'm sure all will fall into place. You have a good head on your shoulders I can tell,keep up the good work! As long as you have the drive and ambition within you,you WILL succeed!!!!! Congratulationson your "new" baby and good luck with whatever you choose to do in life! I'm truly happy for you! ↑ |
| Name: marco3502 | Date: Oct 5th, 2006 9:28 PM |
Thank you Lizzi, and MommySWKER. I was fortunate enough to grow up in a good living home, and my wife as well. Our parents, older sister and brothers were always there for us. I can thank you dad for teaching me how to act like a man, and to know what his resonsibilities should be to his family. He used to take me on all sorts of work projects when i was younger, and teach me different things. The same went for my wife and her parents. My mom has always been a second mom to my wife as well.
I realize that not every teenager who gets into the same sitation we did would be as fortunate as we were. My heart does go out to them.
I guess if we had a problem in our marriage, it would be that my wife whished I would be more of a romantic. I'm really just an ave guy, but sometimes I think she'd whish I were a prince charming charging up on my white horse, which I am not at all.
After we were first married though, I took her to my secret hideout I kept when I was younger, known only to myself. It overlooked our village on a steep hill. I blindfoled her, and took her to my secret place. When she opened her eyes again, i had a picnic all set up for us there. I told her that now it was her secet place as well now.
as far as the future, it looks like she is carrying another girl. I may just be outnumbered 3 to one now. Oh boy.
Also, we live in the apartment abover her parent's garage so as to save money for a big downpayment on a house in a few years, which I plan to build myself with my father and father in law's help.
Financally yes, we are fine with all the overtime, and everything I receive. It's just that we are missing out a normal teenager's life, but I do count myself lucky, and count my blessings to. I love my girls very much.
As far as my job being exausting, it is very much, but I guess the part I don't like about it is the fact that I have to be at work at 5:30 in the morning, but you do what you have to do though. I do cherish my sleep when I can get it through.
I do have drive and ambition, as does my wife like to further her education in college next year. I have some personal dreams and goals as well, but family is above all that.
Thank you for listening, and for your wonderful advice. It is nice just being able to have someone listen to, and hear encouraging words. ↑ |
| Name: jamcarant | Date: Oct 5th, 2006 11:50 PM |
| marco, that's what we're here for - listening to problems and giving advice. i have found support here and people who don't criticize(sp?) me. this is great support. ↑ |
| Name: MommySWKER | Date: Oct 6th, 2006 1:50 AM |
Oh, wow! you know the sex of the baby and everything? It would rip my heart out if she had decided to get an abortion that far along in the preg.
Sounds like things are looking up! Good for you! ↑ |
| Name: MommySWKER | Date: Oct 6th, 2006 1:54 AM |
| jamcarent - i wish i could agree w/you about people not criticizing and only offering support. the first time i ever wrote something, liitlemom was extrememly hateful. she really should be banned from this forum. it bothers me to think that she is giving unsound and irrational advise to people looking for support. ↑ |
| Name: jamcarant | Date: Oct 6th, 2006 2:15 AM |
| MommySWKER - littlemom has already gotten on my nerves really bad. i have said so on a couple of other posts (well, ok, almost all of the ones I have posted on), and in my 1st post to marco i told him not to listen to her. in the "working moms group", i made a kind of mean post directed at her. her ideas are like 1940s and when she said that women who have abortions are "selfish", that got to me REALLY bad! i had one and i'm NOT selfish. most of the other people i have met on here have been supportive. littlemom is the exception. ↑ |
| Name: marco3502 | Date: Oct 6th, 2006 2:28 AM |
| Yep, we're thinking of Elisha. Our other daughter is Sandra. ↑ |
| Name: marco3502 | Date: Oct 6th, 2006 2:34 AM |
I try not to listen to much to someone who would call my wife selfish, without truling knowing her heart. Even though, she's my wife and we're married, she still is a young girl.
I'll be honest I am not pro-life myself, but I wouldn't have held her back, but instead I used persuation and my love for her to change her mind to know that we can indeed make it with two children now, even at our age. Now, i can see how much she really does want our new baby, once she has calmed down.
So, it is igornat of littlemom to say that without knowing the whole story. ↑ |
| Name: jamcarant | Date: Oct 6th, 2006 2:48 AM |
you guys are much more mature than i was at your age. i was totally not ready for a baby at 13, and my parents didn't want to raise another baby. i wish you the best of luck in life.
it's good that she decided that she wants to keep the baby. and it's good that you want to stay with her no matter what she decides. ↑ |
| Name: marco3502 | Date: Oct 6th, 2006 3:22 AM |
| Let me tell you that we were by no means ready for a baby at 15 and 13 either, but it was really our family that forced us to grow up in a hurry, and live up to our responsibilities to our child and each other. Basically, my father challenged me to grow up in a hurry. It was a rough time for a while, until we began learning more. ↑ |
| Name: jamcarant | Date: Oct 6th, 2006 3:43 AM |
| our families were totally different, then. mine talked me into the abortion. not really forced me, but... "persuaded"(sp?) me i guess. my parents, his parents, him. i couldn't handle the pressure, so i did it. ↑ |
| Name: MommySWKER | Date: Oct 6th, 2006 4:08 AM |
| jamcarant - I'm new to this forum, so you might just know a lot more than I would regarding the over all support given here. I hope you're right! ↑ |
| Name: jamcarant | Date: Oct 6th, 2006 5:06 AM |
| MommySWKER - i have only been here for about a week, and littlemom is the only one that i have found that is the way she is. i have gotten a lot of support from people about my past, my present, my dadand other things from the people here. most of the ones i have met on here (with the exception of 1) are nice, caring people who give good advice and don't put you down. i think you're going to like it here. ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Oct 6th, 2006 1:54 PM |
| Aww! The picnic in the secret hideout was soooo sweet and romantic! See there,you DO know how to be romantic! You should do little things like that more often,your wife would love it!Being romantic doesn't have to cost much or be extravagant,It can be dinner for two at your own kitchen table,prettied up with some flowers,with lights out and candles glowing! It can be a (her choice) movie with just the two of you watching from the couch or bed snuggled up together feeding each other popcorn! Or it can be taking a leisure drive going nowhere really and stopping somewhere to watch the sunset as you hold her in your arms! You get the idea,use your imagination and have some fun with it! You'll be putting lots of smiles on your wifes face for sure! Another thing you could do is take your family to the park and play with your daughter while your wife relaxes on a blanket. She will glow with joy watching the two of you have fun together! And then on the way home stop for ice cream! ↑ |
| Name: marco3502 | Date: Oct 7th, 2006 12:41 AM |
Well, I do hold her in my arms as often as I can. I am literally twice her size, so she can easily enough fold into my arms, and rest her head against me, which I love.
One of the other things is, and this is going to sound crazy is is that she has always wanted more intimacy from me than I have ever given her. I mean I want that very much with her as well, and to makesweet love to my wife, especially since we have been married 2 years ago.
I am the one though who has to get up at 4:50 in the morning to go to work till 4:30, 5:00 pm. most days, and am dog tired when I get home. But when i get home, I usually am unable to take a nap, because my daughter attacks me, and my wife usually has a list of things we have to do every day. Then, I don't get to bed until midnight, because of her desire for intimacy everynight. It has been like this since the birth of our daughter at 16 and 14, right before we were married.
When we are intimate and do make love, I want it to be a very special thing and not something we feel we have to do everynight, then it feels almost like a chore, and that is not how I picture it at our young age.
I know most guys would be all for that everynight, but is there something wrong with me then?
I don't know if this is the rigt place to aska question like this, but am wondering? ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Oct 7th, 2006 12:50 AM |
| NO THERE"S NOTHING WRONG WITH ASKING THAT AT ALL] MOST GUY"S WOULD LOVE IT YES BUT MOST GUYS AREN"T MARRIED AND ALREADY HAVE A CHILD EITHER AT YOUR AGE SO THEY ARE STILL LIVING IN THEIR FANTASIES ↑ |
| Name: jamcarant | Date: Oct 7th, 2006 12:55 AM |
| there is nothing wrong with you. you have a very busy daytime life!! and your wife is probably having "hormone overload" just like the rest of us. i feel like my boyfriend doesn't love me sometimes because he isn't very intimate because he is afraid of what will happen to me. don't think there is anything wrong with you, you are just having it rough right now. it will get better. ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Oct 7th, 2006 12:57 AM |
| YOU ARE JUST WORN OUT AND THAT"S UNDERSTANDABLE CONSIDERING HOW HARD YOU ARE WORKING FOR YOUR FAMILY] IF YOU HAVE WEEK_ENDS OFF MAYBE YOU COULD SPEND MORE QUALITY TIME THEN? I"M SURE YOUR WIFE REALIZES YOU ARE EXHAUSTED AND WHY] ALSO BEING CLOSE DOESN"T ALWAYS HAVE TO INVOLVE SEX[(UNLESS THAT"S WHAT YOUR WIFE IS CRAVING FROM YOU?) WHICH IF IT IS THEN THAT COULD BE HER HORMONES GOING WILD BECAUSE SHE"S PREGNANT] ↑ |
| Name: marco3502 | Date: Oct 7th, 2006 1:32 AM |
No, it was like that even before she was pregnant, now it's jusy even more because of like you said hormones. I never noticed or thought much of it her first pregnancy, mainly because of the grave situation at the time. This one is different though.
You're both right, I am worn out and tired, btu yes I do have my weekends to rest up and recooperate, and that indeed is when we spend our most quality time together.
i am just coming to the realiza though that she may just have a much higher sex drive and desire than me, especially now being pregnant.
I can think of the three most special moments and times when we made love that will always stick with me, and that is the night of our wedding, the night i brought her to my secret place as a kid, and the night we foudn out our parents were letting us marry each other, but everyone I think thinks back to the begining though.
i am not saying at all that now isn't special though to me.
I am just more tired though, but being a stay at home mom isn't the easiest job as well, and I know she goes through alot everyday. Plus, she is still homeschooling to. ↑ |
| Name: MommySWKER | Date: Oct 9th, 2006 5:38 PM |
| You are a rare breed. Sex and marriage is a hot topic. Sometimes it can be just to get it out of your system on top of being tired and so ready to call it a day. Other times it can be great. I personally think it's fine to do it just to do it (to be quite frank). Coming from someone who has a 5 mo old and a 4 yr old who stays at home ALL day w/the kids and goes into work at night. Exhaustion is a perpetual state for me. The only thing I can say is birth control, birth control, birth control! My husband was fixed pronto after my second. ↑ |
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