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What would you guys do if you were me. I had my son in March and my mother that only lives 20 minutes away has only been to see him maybe 3 times. She works full-time and is remarried to a man who doesn't really care for children. She tells me that she will be over here and never shows up, then she calls a week later and has an excuse. She always has an excuse for everything. I feel like a grandmother should want her kids to get to know her. I know when I am a grandmother one day I will be more supportive. When I was pregnant she called me every day and made fat jokes even in the hospital. Now I tell her that my husband is going to have surgery on Monday, and she doesn't even offer to watch the kids, so I didn't ask. I guess we are just going to have touch base once a month type of relationship from now on. I am tired of trying. Please don't write back and say how lucky I am to still have a mom. It feels like I already lost her years ago or was she always just present physically. ↓
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| Name: Denise | Date: Aug 4th, 2006 3:07 PM |
| She had me when she was 17 and my sisters shortly after. I guess she just wants her own life now. But it hurts because I had such a wonderful relationship with my grandmothers growing up and I guess my sons never will. ↑ |
| Name: momof3 | Date: Aug 4th, 2006 3:13 PM |
| I feel so bad for you!! My mom calls everyday. She lives about 15-20 minutes from me, and if she comes into town she comes by and gets the girls and takes them to the store with her. I am nit trying to rub it in your face, but your right. My dad is similar to your mom. But he lives in Louisanna, he comes home every 2 months and sees the kids maybe twice when he is home. He spends the rest of his visit with his girlfriends family. Before he met her, when he came home he was over everyday and would just hold my oldest daughter. I can't understand how people can be like that. One of my best friends, has 4 kids and her mother lives in the same town, and she hasn't seen her grandkids since June. My father-in-law gave me the advice, don't say anything,because once the words are out you can't take them back, but he also told me to realize that it is my dad's lose. I am very close to my grandparents, we still go to dinner once a week and play cards to. My kids are closer to their great grandparents than my dad. Sorry if I am rambling, but it really bothers me when grandparents are like this. I am looking forward to being a grandma. I wish I had more advice than this, but your kids are probably better off if they are not a priority in her life. Good Luck! ↑ |
| Name: Denise | Date: Aug 4th, 2006 3:42 PM |
| Thanks for your support, I guess I just need to figuire out where she fits into our family when she decides to come around. ↑ |
| Name: sally24 | Date: Aug 4th, 2006 4:01 PM |
| Be up front with her right know it will not hurt your child the way she just drops in , but as the baby gets older he will feel as if he or she is being rejected , you say kids so I assume you have others ? I am sorry for what you are going through , it is not right at all you should feel hurt by her actions she made a choice to bring you into this world and be a mother there are no excuses for what she is doing to you or her grandkids its so unfortuante she can't see all she is blessed with. I grew up with out aunts or uncles or cousions or grandparents and I know how that feels I understand what you want for your children but what about your husbands side , your children still have them as grandparents I hope ? Since it seems hard to talk to her write her a letter tell her exactly how you feel and you don't want to shut her out but she needs to be consistent and if she isn't then say hey lets set up a time and date that works best for you once a month and leave it at that , bottom line it takes more than giving birth to be a mother , so don't feel bad by doing what is best for you and your kids. ↑ |
| Name: EthansMom0213 | Date: Aug 4th, 2006 10:09 PM |
I haven't read what everyone has said but I was reading your post and thought, "Oh wow, this is my dad." He's not remarried but he does have a life partner, but his partner loves kids and I think the only reason that my dad is still in our lives is because of his partner. My entire life he was in and our of it, I only mattered when it fit into his schedule or he needed to show me and my sister off to his friends. When he schedule to do something for us, he never showed and the next day he would call with some stupid excuse as why he couldn't make it.
When my son was born I told him right away, that he may have thought it was okay to be a father when it suited him but he doesn't get the option of when he wants to be a grandfather. That he will either be in my son's life as a fulltime grandfather or not at all. Well as habit would have it we only saw my dad twice in the last two years. When he didn't show up to my son's birthday party I blew up and told him fine. That I didn't care what excuse he had that infact I didn't even want to hear about it. That from now on it's up to him as to whether or not he sees he's grandchild. That he lives their and we live here so if he wants to see him he will have to come to us. This year so far I say my dad in February and in June and he did come to my son.
My dad and I live 1 hour apart and I know that getting together during the week or several times a month might be difficult considering that my husband as well as my dad and his partner all work fulltime jobs. My dad had to work 1 weekend a month, his partner works pretty much every Saturday and my husband well he is always on call. I would be happy just getting together once a month. I wouldn't have a problem driving 1 hour to see him but I refuse to be the only one who does the traveling and believe that it should be a trade off.
I actually don't think that your lucky to have your mother in your life like she is. Just as I don't feel that I am lucky to have my dad in my life as he is. Sometime I personally feel it would be better not to have him there at all. Your mother only lives 20 minutes away, my mom lives 15 and I see her at least once a week. I would be happy with a once a month relationship with my dad only because he does live an hour away not 20. I can't tell you whether or not you've lost her years ago or if she was just present physically. It sad that anyone should have to ask such a question.
Anyways before I go on and talk about my entire life story because I will...LOL. I would say see if she is willing to talk to you and let her know how you are feeling and how she has made your feel in in the past. Also see if there is anyway you possible for you all to get together at least once a week or even every other week. If she chooses to keep the relationship where it is at then I would just stand back and let her come to you. Don't hold your breath because who knows how long you'll be holding it. I think if I held my breath everytime my dad said he was going to show up I would have been dead the first time he made plans with me. You already know that she isn't going to show up so I would set a time for when she should be there and if she isn't there within 20 minutes or so after that time don't stick around. Don't put your life on hold for her. It might be hard and I know it doesn't make you feel good to do things like this but eventually it does become easy to do. Eventually you just become cold to the situation and it nolonger bothers you. ↑ |
| Name: atomic snowflake | Date: Aug 4th, 2006 10:46 PM |
My mother was a waste of space and I haven't seen her for 8 years now - my eldest son was only a baby and she got drunk whilst she was babysitting him once. She pestered me all the time for money and didn't give a toss about anyone but herself so I dumped her. It was the best thing I ever did. She was a loser and caused me a lot of pain. I'm better off without her.
Just concentrate on getting on with your life and be thankful that you have a better attitude and will be a great mom. ↑ |
| Name: Lynne n | Date: Jan 9th, 2007 8:58 AM |
Well i think that it is her loss,she is the one that will miss out!
But if it is really upsetting you then talk to her about it,she might not knoiw how you are feeling! ↑ |
| Name: Hiddy | Date: Jan 9th, 2007 9:01 AM |
Denise, I know how you feel. My sister and my brother badgered my mother to babysit their kids. When I had my daughter she was so "over" babysitting, she would just come and visit every now and again and leave. She has only looked after my daughter for a couple of hours, my daughter whole life.
If I didnt travel to where she lives to see her, I doubt my daughter would ever see her. I dont ask her to babysit because I dont like to impose on people, but she never offers.
She sees my daughter about 3 times a year. It upsets me but there is nothing I can do about it. She doesnt belittle me though. I just try and get on with things and just accept who she is, and what she does. ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Jan 9th, 2007 3:27 PM |
| Chalk it up to "her loss". My husbands mother never comes around either and favors her daughters kids over our son. She calls about once a month,MAYBE. In fact she called about 3 weeks before x-mas to ask what our son wanted for x-mas from her and then turned around a week later and called back to say nevermind that because she wasn't buying anything for the grandkids!!!!! She even told me herself when my son was a toddler that she wasn't a very good grandma,but yet she never bothered to make any changes either. The kicker was she didn't even have to work and STILL didn't bother to see our son but made time for her daughter and her kids. Her daughter lived a mile from us and she would come into town( a 45 minute drive for her) to visit her and not come to our house! When the kids were small she would always say "I'm going to start getting one of them at a time to spend the night with me". She never did,at least not our son anyway,I know for fact her daughters kids got to stay with her. Oh and i know she favored her daughters daughter over all because she would always say to her,"who loves you best?" And when Easter rolled around after she gave the kids their baskets one year,the grand-daughter decided she wanted MY SONS basket over her own so she took it from my son and GAVE it to her!!!!!! I was very upset!!! Oh and when she went on vacation to Cancun,Mexico she brought all the kids back t-shirts and again the grand-daughter decided she wanted MY SONS over her own so she got it and so my son got a girls t-shirt as well as it being 3 sizes too small!!!! So we took it home and used it for a cleaning rag!!!! I couldn't believe the nerve of that woman!!!! Oh and she would buy her daughters kids bicycles for their b-days and get our son a cheap toy!!!!! After all that I became so bitter toward her I stopped going to her house. In fact when she dies I won't be attending her funeral! ↑ |
| Name: tweetybird4 | Date: Jan 9th, 2007 7:34 PM |
Denise---Unfortunately, you need to accept your mother for the way or who she is. You aren't going to make her change if she's unwilling, too. My mother hasn't seen any of my child since the day they were born. We had our falling out when I was a teenager and we haven't rekindled anything since. So, I've learned to accept that she doesn't want to be apart of mine or my children's lives. If she did she would have made some kind of effort especially when I have tried with her several times. As time has gone by, it doesn't matter to me anymore. Oh, sure, I'll always love her because she is my mom but I don't have to agree with what she thinks or how she feels. I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I know it hurts because you want your mom to be there for all of you. It sounds like your mom has emotions bottled up inside. Perhpas the thought of just being around small children is truly something she just can't handle. It's her choice and your not going to change it. My step-dad is sort of the same way. He claims he loves his grand kids so much but doesn't take the time out of his so-called busy life (sitting in a LazyBoy flicking the tv clicker) to spend quality time with them. He doesn't participate in any of the their sports functions and expects everybody to come to him. Even that is rare because we would never know what kind of mood he would be in to have to listen to him yell and scream about something he doesn't like that we are doing. I keep my distance instead of subjecting the children to his kind of behavior. He's always negative and complains about everyone he comes in contact with. It gets annoying and old.
Perhaps, one day, your mom may have a change in heart. You might want to just leave her be and let her come to you when she is ready. Otherwise, this will just eat you up inside. For your own sake, you have to move on and love your children. Just think, one day, you will be a grandma and will be able to break the cycle that your mom has created. ↑ |
| Name: Julia | Date: Jan 9th, 2007 7:36 PM |
| Wow, this is a really old topic? Where did this come from? Denise has been gone for a while now ladies. Unless she changed her username anyway. hehe. ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Jan 9th, 2007 7:39 PM |
| I guess you're right julia! Why don't they delete old posts after a month or something? ↑ |
| Name: hdc_momof2 | Date: Jan 9th, 2007 7:40 PM |
| I know exactly how you feel. my mother was the same way and my stepfather hated me to say the least. after several months of him refusing to let her visit us, I just had to tell her how I felt. And I wasn't really that nice about it either. but you have to be that way with her sometimes. especially when he's involved. I simply told her that it was gonna be me, him or we could live harmony. But there was no way in hell I was really gonna let him win! She finally put her foot down with him and now everything is great. My children beg to go see their Granny and Pa all the time. You just have to be honest with her and tell her exactly how you feel. And don't sugar coat it ↑ |
| Name: tweetybird4 | Date: Jan 9th, 2007 8:13 PM |
| Ooops!! My bad, I didn't even notice the date. Sorry! ↑ |
| Name: Julia | Date: Jan 9th, 2007 9:57 PM |
| No biggie, I was just curious on how it was found? ↑ |
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