My wife and I were highschool sweethearts since we were both 16. We married at 21 and have been married for 12 years now. We have two beautiful children. I have been telling her for the past year that I don't feel happy in our relationship. The problem is I receive no affection from my wife and I have told her this. I am an affectionate person and I am always out of the blue giving her a hug or a kiss or holding her hand, rubbing her back etc. She used to do these type of things but hasn't for the past few years. I have tried telling myself that it will get better as the kids get older. The kids are older and it hasn't improved. We bought a new house and I thought that might change things. It hasn't. I started talking to a woman I deal in business with and my problems at home came out. I just found it easier to talk to another woman whom I didn't know that well than talk to any of my male friends about this type of thing. She told me to talk to my wife and really try to explain to her about how I feel and even ask her if she would go to marriage counciling with me. I did this and she kept blaming everything on our children for the way she had been with me and her reaction to marriage counciling was that she didn't need marriage counciling and that she could work things out. A month went by after I started speaking with the contact through work and my wife found out I was talking to someone about my problems. She was not happy and I can understand why but I explained to her that I found it easier to speak to someone like that than to speak to one of my friends about my problems. I know that sounds stupid but it is the truth. When she found out we had a big talk and I explained to her again how I am feeling and how I need some attention from her. I don't mean in the bedroom I just mean in general. I need to feel wanted by my wife I told her and right now I don't. I asked her again about marriage counciling and she said that things aren't bad enough yet to go to counciling and that she can fix this. That was about two weeks ago and the only thing she has done to fix anything is hold my hand when we are driving and anytime we have gone for a walk.
I am almost ready to give up. Infact I know I would have already if it wasn't for my children because I don't want to put them through that but on the other hand I don't want to live the rest of my life like this.
I am open to anything anyone can through at me. I have been thinking about going to a councilor myself.
I know there are alot of women out there. Any ideas of what I can do with my wife to get things back to normal.
By the way my children are 9 and 7. ↓
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| Name: Shauna | Date: Jul 10th, 2006 3:03 AM |
| Honestly, given your history together, I think you both should try to make it work. She seems to be putting forth an effort, as you said it's only been 2 weeks. I would say to give it more time, try to do more "date" things to see if you can to rekindle the romance. Maybe see how she feels about swapping back rubs/ foot rubs when the kids are asleep. Counsling is also a good idea if she would be willing to go. You kiss her without any warning, see how she reacts. Tell her how beautiful she is, (not when getting ready to have sex or when she's naked.) If things are still going bad for you in a few months or more, I say give her the ultimatum of marriage counsiling or a divorce. It's hardh, but she can't expect you to stay when you are not happy or if she is not happy. A strained marriage is just as bad or worse on kids than a divorce. ↑ |
| Name: pj754 | Date: Jul 10th, 2006 9:46 PM |
| First of all, what do the children have to do with her showing you a little affection??? Your children are at the age they are in school so she should have alone time for herself unless she works. Secondly, she has stated to you she can work things out or fix it??? Plus, she said things aren't bad enough yet to go to counseling, what does she mean? This doesn't sound good. From my personal experience in my first marriage, I stopped giving my husband any affection because he made me unhappy. He was very uncooperative and impractical. He thought only of himself and used me as a slave around the house that kept things together. As long as I took care of the children, kept his clothes washed and him feed--he had it made. Yet, he didn't give me the affection I wanted when we were together. No hugging, no kissing, no holding hands, no opening the door for me--you know, gentleman qualities. It was sad to say but I fell out of love with him. This is very harsh and terrible to say of me but I didn't like kissing him because he had very bad breath. He needed to go to the dentist but wouldn't. He wouldn't take care of the personal hygeine stuff like I thought he should. When we would go out together with other couples, the females in the group would get more of his attention than I did. Then, I discovered his porn feddish on the internet and I lost total respect for him. After we divorced, I found out he cheated on me multiple times. I tried telling him several times I wanted to be treated with affection but he didn't respond and as I look back on things, this was happening when we were first dating and I still married him. I didn't want to go to counseling because I knew it wouldn't do any good. He would say it was all my fault. Now, I am remarried and had a baby but my hormones have been out of wack. There are days, I don't want to be affectionate because I am tired alot and I'm just not feeling it. Taking care of a baby is a lot of work and some nights I'm exhausted. Plus when I show affection towards him, he's ready to jump right into sex. It's not that I don't love him because I do, whole heartedly but I'm just tired or don't feel good inside and out. Maybe your wife is experiencing some depression. A females body's chemistry changes as she gets older. Have you noticed she doesn't take interest in some of the things she use to do other than with you? Does she seem somewhat quiet and distant from other people too? If so, she could be battling with depression and not realize that's what it is. This could be why she's telling you she will try to fix it. Maybe she just doesn't know exactly how. I'm sure she loves you but deep inside she's feeling a little blue. Try doing some things out of the ordinary. Take her on a romantic weekend somewhere with just the two of you. Try re-inacting some of things you did as high school sweethearts. Don't forget to take the burden off of her by having arrangements set up for the children to be taken care of while you are gone with her. If she's at work, take off half of the day, come home and have a candelight dinner prepared for her when she gets home. Send her to a day spa for some female pampering. Leave her little notes throughout the house that you know she will come across for her to find. Make her feel appreciated. Comment on how nice she looks and tell her you love her. You may already be doing that. Take her out on a lake to soak up some sunshine. Send flowers home to her or at her work and put in the note---Just because I love you. Do different things that she wouldn't expect you to do. Also, after having children, our bodies don't bounce back like we would like them too. Maybe she just doesn't feel good enough on the outside for you. She could feel conscious about the way she looks. Purchase a beautiful dress, purse and shoes to match, or shirt/blouse, pair of jeans and snazzy shoes. I hope this informations helps. I've experienced what your saying both ways. Best of luck and keep us posted if anything is working. ↑ |
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