|
Well, it all started about 4 years ago. I was 13 and a half and we had just decided to move back to our home country( Bosnia and Herzegovina). We lived in Canada for about 9 years and my mom felt really nostalgic and wanted to move back home. My dad had died in the 1992-95 war and I think she really wanted to be close to him, so that she could visit his grave. She worked as a dealer in a casino and she was really not satisfied with her job, even though she had just gotten promoted. She was a judge in Bosnia and she felt that her job as a dealer was very degradable. I think my eating disorder(anorexia) had first started right before we left Canada. I was in Ottawa visiting my grandma and I decided to go on this really strict diet. I made this decision, because I thought that I would be more accepted amongst the people in Sarajevo if i was skinnier and I think I also wanted to have control over my body. In august of 2002 we decided to move to Sarajevo, which is the capital of Bosnia. That's where I was born and where practically my whole family was born. I was too young I think at the time, I didn't really know what I was getting myself into. As soon as we arrived my mom enrolled me into her old elementary school near our house. I think I was happy there for a while, I studied really hard and got really good grades. At the end of the year though I felt really depressed. I wasn't going out enough and I felt really tired from studying so hard. When it came time for summer break I decided that I needed to lose more weight, because I thought that it would make me feel better. That summer I lost another 10lbs and I felt good about myself, even though I was getting looks from some people. My mom was worried, but I don't think she was ever suspicious, she never really thought that it could happen to me. That year I enrolled into Secondary Music school in Sarajevo, because I had always loved music so much and I wanted to become a singer. I sang in a choir in Canada for about 5 years and I played the flute for 2 years. Unfortunately I decided to go into the theoretical course instead of the solo course, which was for students who only wanted to focus on one instrument. I was forced to play the clarinet and the piano. The first year wasn't as bad as the second year though. At the beginning of the second year I had come back from my summer vacation skinny as usual and I felt that I had control over myself. Unfortunately I had encountered so much stress and I started to eat so much. Sometimes I ate so much, to the point where it was hard to breathe. Then the purging started. It was hard at first, but i soon got the hang of it. The only problem was that I couldn't get all the food out, which then of course made me gain weight. As soon as I realized how much weight I had gained I became very depressed. I would not go anywhere I would not talk to anyone and even my everyday routine became hard to do. When the second year was over i decided to enroll into a different school. I enrolled into the IB diploma program, because I felt that maybe this could be my ticket out of this city. It just made it even worse. I knew that there was so much work to be done and the thought of that made me very stressed out, which then of course provoked my eating disorder. As soon as the year was over I went to the seaside again and lost all the weight I had gained and 10lbs more. I was down to about 120 pounds and about 6'2 in height. I couldn't make myself eat that much and I had lost my period and my hair was starting to fall out a lot. At that point I decided to eat a little better, so that I could survive. I knew I had to survive, if not for my sake then for my mom's sake. I was all she had. We went on our graduation excursion and that is when I started to eat normally. I have now finished half term of my final year of high school and have so many obligations for the next term, including my mocks( exams) and every time I sit down and try to study I become so hungry and stuff myself with food and then i become totally incapable of doing any work. I also throw- up and have diarrhea about 5-6 times a day. I doubt that I will be able to finish high school and that's what hurts the most. I know that one thing is for certain, my eating disorder has taken over my life. I had so many dreams and goals in life, like becoming a singer, recording albums and making a difference in this world. If there is anyone out there who can help,or just give me some advice it would be greatly appreciated. ↓
|
