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im a 40 yr old man w two liitle boys 4 an 7.mom has decided to move out an start a new life an leave us here to fend for our selves. i love these guys an want them to know i will never do what mom has done.they hurt in turn mmakes me hurt .im a carpenter work construction . i have all t hese feelings an you dont talk about them on the job because you be called a whooss.sitting here overwhelmed need advice. ↓
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| Name: Lizzi | Date: Jan 29th, 2007 12:20 AM |
| Wellwhat you do is raise your boys alone the best you can. Hire a sitter or get a relative to help out where needed and go to work as you normally would and support your family. I'm sorry their mom ran out but because she did they are better off with you anyway. Chin up and good luck! You WILL survive! It'll get easier in time! Just make sure the boys know how special they are to you and no matter how busy you get always remember to make time for them,because with their mother gone they need you now more than ever and they probably even have a fear theat you might bail on them. Spend as much time with them as you can and reassure them that you aren't going anywhere and things WILL be o.k. Play with them,read to them,love them,they rely totally on YOU!!!! And like I said get help from family or hire a sitter/helper to help with things around the house. The kids need a stable environment,mealtime,bedtime,bathtime,playtime etc. I wish you much luck! Just take care of your boys! ↑ |
| Name: stevie | Date: Jan 29th, 2007 1:02 AM |
| thanks too lizzi i apreciate your comment i do everything i can being self employed i have lots of time to give them but never thought they would have to be alone . i always wanted some one to do things with. we snow moblie an 4 wheel together . they r my life thanks again ↑ |
| Name: Layne | Date: Jan 29th, 2007 1:41 PM |
| steve it is never easy to do the famiy things alone....I will never forget when I went though my first divorce I missed having my husband to share the special looks we would give each other when our son did something only the two of us could adore. Or I would go to christmas at my families and everyone had there spouse's and I only had myself. my son of corse but not having someone to love. Its damn hard. I did it for 5 years before I met my husband now. It will...all work out...You will love and share again...It all takes time...but now the advise Lizzi gave you is very good. hold your sons near and you'll make it. ↑ |
| Name: stevie | Date: Jan 29th, 2007 5:59 PM |
| thanks for the comment layne. i realize that it will work out but is killing me to see the kids eyes. mom just living in her fantasy world. thinking everything is fine im left to deal with the boys hurt. i want to say to all you women who have gone or are going thru this an are doing well. you girls are amazing . how you can move on an function is simply incredible.i guess the main things is to keep them happy. thanks again. ↑ |
| Name: tweetybird4 | Date: Jan 29th, 2007 8:08 PM |
| Hi Steve---As much as you all are hurting, these ladies are right. You have to try to move on the best way you know how. Unfortunately, the boy's mom doesn't realize how much her decision has affected you all. The only advice I can give you is to spend as much time as you can with your boys. They are going to need your support and guidance more than ever. As your heart is breaking while looking into their eyes, you three still have each other. While you are trying to adjust, perhaps you can talk with family members, friends or close neighbors to help you out a bit with the children until you are able to establish an easier routine. Don't say anything negative to them about their mom. You want them to retain all the good memories they had with her. All of this is going to take some time but you all with get through it just fine. Make sure you keep them focused in their schooling and try to provide some fun activites to help take their minds off of things. You may experience several mood changes with them but remember to listen before reacting. Your children are young and will probably bounce better than you think. You may find that they will start clinging to you more. Enjoy it because they do grow up way too fast. Keep communicating with your children. Be honest and sincere. They will respect you for it. I'm so sorry you're going through this and I don't know if any my advice has helped you but I do hope things get much better for you all very soon. ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Jan 29th, 2007 8:34 PM |
| I guess it's only fair to tell you I'm not and never have been divorced. Separated for a time yes(for awhile years ago) but not divorced! I just like offering advice that's why I answered. ↑ |
| Name: stevie | Date: Jan 29th, 2007 9:36 PM |
| tweetybird thanks for the thoughts i .do try not to talk bad about her guess because i do care but sucks the way she had to sneak the guys into my life the way she did.boys dont need that .but i do as many things with them as possible.they r very much like me .big motor heads an out door kids . thanks again . my thing is i hope that im doing a good job .want them to be proud of dad ↑ |
| Name: stevie | Date: Jan 29th, 2007 9:41 PM |
| lizzie good for you . im glad you could work out you differences with him. means you guys love each other . thats great .thats all i ever wanted but things seem to go south. im very much a sensative person an my feelings are on my sleaves which turns out not to be such a good thing. my boys r like me an they fill me with stuff inever thougth i would feel. but i love it. moving forward should be so easy dont know why its not thanks again your friend . ↑ |
| Name: Sunshine1 | Date: Jan 30th, 2007 2:16 PM |
| Nothing will break your heart faster than someone hurting your children. To me, being part of a family means loving and caring for another more than you do yourself. Shame on her for being so selfish. I am so sorry that you and your boys are going through this but I promise you things will get easier. I am heading for a divorce myself after 21 years. We have been separated for about 3 months now for reasons somewhat similar to yours. Gotta love the the whole mid-life crisis thing! Anyway, this whole episode has truely turned out to be a blessing. No more fights, no more drama, my boys and I finally have peace in our home. Kids pick up on way more than you think. It will be much healthier mentally for your boys to live with one stable loving parent than to have both parents and a chaotic life. You absolutely can raise those boys by yourself! All you have to do is love them...what could be easier?? Time will show them that you are there for the long haul. Thank God she was dumb enough (or smart enough) to leave the boys behind while she plays out her little adventure goddess game. ↑ |
| Name: stevie | Date: Jan 30th, 2007 6:37 PM |
| sunshine thanks for those kind words your all so nice . wish i felt as strong you all sound. everything around me seems to be falling apart. my businees , my family, most of all my self worth. i know its not my fault but just cant manage to get it into my head an stay always thinking maybe i could have done something to prevent it . the boys are great .they are so full of love an energy. an keepme on my toes. thanks to all for your help it is nice to hear from you. ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Jan 30th, 2007 7:20 PM |
| Steveie it's not so easy moving forward because it takes time to heal and for everyone the amount of time it takes differs from one person to another.I remember back in highschool days,(god so long ago! lol) my boyfriend then broke up with me after a year and a half! I was devastated! Everyday I cried,I begged him to take me back,I couldn't eat,I couldn't sleep,I couldn't stand not knowing what he was doing and who he was with! It was the most awful emotional pain I think I'd ever been through! I bugged him so much he bagan to hate me and even threatened to hit me if I didn't leave him alone. So that kinda gave me a reality check and I immediately stopped bothering him. The thing about it though was he never told me WHY he was breaking up! I think he had other interests and was just tired of the same old ME! I went the rest of that schoolyear heartbroken and into mid summer guess what? He called ME up one summer day wanting to go back out again!!! I was flattered I must admit because it was what I had hoped for, for so long but by then I had a NEW boyfriend (who is now my husband) and told him he was a little too late! Even at that moment though for an instant I wanted him because he wanted me finally but then I did the RIGHT thing and told him he was too late! I thought about him from time to time after that but knew I made the right decision. ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Jan 30th, 2007 7:24 PM |
| I figured if he could leave me so easily then what would stop him from leaving me so easily now if I would have taken him back? I couldn't bear another heartbreak like that especially from the SAME guy,so I had to say NO! ↑ |
| Name: Layne | Date: Jan 30th, 2007 7:28 PM |
A big fat WOW!!! to Lizzi......I am truely amazed
steve....this will take time...This was 20 years ago for me and I still suffer from that rejection. Even though I have a very caring and loving husband now. No one wants to be the one scorned in a relationship. we arent perfect or all that strong. We had no choice...you'll come out of this...I promise. Just learn from it...We all do. ↑ |
| Name: stevie | Date: Jan 30th, 2007 7:58 PM |
| i realize it takes time but i have established my self an for it to all be wiped away because she wants to play. my boys have everything i did not have as a kid.snoe mobiles, 4 wheeelers. dirt bikes they r awesome riders . she wants to take half of everything. which i can not replace . my boys r going to be devastated when they hear that. their going to look ay me an ask y. i will have no answer for them except sorry.that breaks my heart.time can not heal the pain that i will see in there eyes but only carve it in my brain that this is an has happened ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Jan 30th, 2007 11:37 PM |
| Stevie how long have you been married for? She left you AND her boys so I don't know what leg she thinks she has left to stand on for getting half of ANYTHING!!!!!! If anything you could go after sole custody charging HER with ABANDONMENT!!!!! Don't let her swoop in like a vulture and take everything she suddenly thinks she's entitled to! Fight for your boys and what's right for the 3 of you. ↑ |
| Name: stevie | Date: Jan 31st, 2007 12:13 AM |
| lizzie married ten yrs i started our life with nothing an built up . boys came along an i promised i would do better this time around. since i have a 20 yr old son from a girl feind. i only had him everyother week end. i will be damed if i do that again. my business has grown but is slowly dropping offf because i cant be there like i was because the boys . i dont regret being w them but the business is just not imprtant any more . she thinks she help strart it but was in business way before we were married. she works but she took summers off . i hate fighting ihate thinking about any of this.im slowly just feeling nothing.except for the boys i cant love them enough. ↑ |
| Name: Sunshine1 | Date: Jan 31st, 2007 1:48 AM |
Stevie-Do yourself a big favor and consult a lawyer. It cost me $100 and it was well worth it! You do not have to start any legal action. This is just basically to see where you stand and to find out exactly what you are up against. Ask friends and family if they know of a good divorce attorney. DO NOT pick one randomly from the phone book. Courts are great for protecting the children and putting their needs first. I don't know what state you live in so the rules may be slightly different but I wouldn't worry about your kids losing their "toys". Those things belong to the boys and are not usually considered joint marital assets. You may have to buy her out if there is any equity in your house but it certainly won't be anywhere near half if you can get her for abandonment and adultry. In NJ you wouldn't have to give her one penny if you decide to keep the house until your youngest son is 8 years old. She will have to pay child support...all the way through college graduation, PLUS a good portion of the tuition. And child support is based not only on income but time spent with the children. If she gets them every other weekend she will pay much more than if she had them 3 days a week. I don't know about you, but I would want to keep my boys as far away from her revolving boyfriend club as possible. I don't know about the business thing but if it is dropping off, how much (if anything) can she get? Don't even listen when she goes on about taking half. Just say whatever and walk away. A lawyer near you will give you all of your state's particulars.
P.S. I know it is way early for this but don't worry about finding a really nice woman in the future. There are plenty of wonderful kind hearted ladies out there that would jump at the chance to love you and be a "mom" to your boys. I know because I was one. When I talk of my boys, only the youngest is my biological son. My oldest son came with his father when he was 3 years old and will always be the other half of my heart. He is 24 now and says that I get custody of him in the divorce too! ↑ |
| Name: Layne | Date: Jan 31st, 2007 2:34 AM |
| In Nebraska who ever files first gets the kids most times...I dont get why. they just do...so i would be heading there soon. ↑ |
| Name: stevie | Date: Jan 31st, 2007 4:41 AM |
| thanks everyone but im tired this is all to much.i only have so much to give an im done . the boys will get all my love and things . they r all i really want. vereything else can go. would love to give you all great big hugs of thanks.could never have talked on the job. thanks for everything. ↑ |
| Name: Sunshine1 | Date: Jan 31st, 2007 9:28 AM |
| Believe me I understand that you are emotionally wiped out right now! At least go down to the court house and file for custody. Without a court order in place she has as much right to them as you. She can walk in and take the kids or worse yet file trumped up charges of spousal abuse/domestic violence and have YOU thrown out. I know someone this happened to. It took almost a year to put things right. Unfortunately things do get ugly and people tend to hate each other more than they love their children. Just because you are doing the right thing does not mean she will. PLEASE protect your boys! ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Jan 31st, 2007 2:24 PM |
| Stevie I wish you luck with whatever you decide to do and hope things get alot better for you and your boys soon! Take care! :) ↑ |
| Name: stevie | Date: Jan 31st, 2007 6:45 PM |
| again thanks for all the thoughts funny everything being siad is happening little by little.she has tried t ofile charges they have been thrown out . she has tried to talk the boys into being w her they wont go. wonder if they have the right to say where they want to be. they r young. . every lady here needs a standing ovation for all the smart comments. its strange .you dont know me but you want to help. your ladies an should stick together but r helping me . a tear comes to my eye when i think of all of you who r giving me advice. it warms my heart to know you r all there. sounds gay but it does. by the way am not gay just over sensative.thats my real problem. ↑ |
| Name: stevie | Date: Jan 31st, 2007 7:06 PM |
| too liizzie an sunshine an layne an tweety bird if its ok to email to send picture of boys ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Jan 31st, 2007 7:48 PM |
| Stevie there is nothing wrong with a guy being sensitive in fact there aren't enough of you this day and age! Consider yourself one of the few and far between! Someday you WILL meet someone special who is deserving of you and your boys and I wish you luck finding her! :) ↑ |
| Name: Sunshine1 | Date: Feb 1st, 2007 1:19 AM |
| Being man enough to admit that you have feelings is a far cry from being gay. Both of my boys are on the sensitive side. Both are/were football players and one is a championship wrestler. Not a wuss bone to be found in either of them. I get hugs and an I love you from both everyday and sometimes a flower or a cute note just because. God bless a sensitive man!!! We need more of them. I hope your boys turn out just like you. ↑ |
| Name: stevie | Date: Feb 1st, 2007 1:48 AM |
| honestly i hope my boys turn out to be strong an self asherd that they r good people with great big hearts. they will be the best at something im sure. regardless people all people will say that the vachon boys r good loving people. i will pray they meet people like you girls. i wish i had come on here months ago i would have probobly have been feeling worth something long ago. thanks girls i dont feel like ..............anymore . i feel like maybe im ok. it will take awhile but i will come here an listen to you girls an move forward.thanks again.if i could hug you all i would. thats the french in me.an yes i talk with my hands. ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Feb 1st, 2007 7:13 PM |
| Stevie,I'm glad you are feeling better and glad us girls were the ones who could help you! Things WILL get better and easier,it just takes time! Let me just add one more thing though,and that is choose more wisely before you jump into another marriage again. Make absolute SURE you KNOW the woman WELL and also maybe even more importantly,make SURE your boys approve of her!!!!!!! Good luck Stevie!!!!! : ) ↑ |
| Name: stevie | Date: Feb 1st, 2007 7:20 PM |
| hey lizzie thanks again one more question . she s the one that comes to the house at6 am to deal w the boys an get them off to school. should i stop that . or let her.she comes 6 to 8 am i leave for work at 6 am. ↑ |
| Name: stevie | Date: Feb 1st, 2007 7:21 PM |
| then i deal with them from 2 pm till bed. sat an sun r my days w them . she already has a man an i dont want them to meet him is that wrong too. ↑ |
| Name: Sunshine1 | Date: Feb 1st, 2007 9:21 PM |
You need her to get the boys off to school and they get some time with their mom. I don't see a problem with that as long as you don't mind her being in your house when you are not there. I had to tell my ex AGAIN last night that I don't want him hanging out here when the boys and I are not home. He doesn't see why it should be a problem. Am I nuts or is he??
I would try to keep them away from mom's new boyfriend until you are pretty certain that it is a long term steady relationship. The boys are probably confused enough as it is. Why let them meet and possibly get attached to someone who might be gone next week. ↑ |
| Name: stevie | Date: Feb 1st, 2007 9:33 PM |
| thanks i agree. she should be more grown up an get her mind on them instead of him . have to say it crushes me to know i can replaced so fast. just talk to mother inlaw an told her that i probobly cant afford this place. maybe should consider trying another place. she is very upset w her. told me i wont find rent as cheap as here an i told her i know im already feeling dumb about that .everything keeps running in circles . ifeel good i dont feel good .. how do you move on. how do you say enough is enough. my mind says so but the rest doesnt foolow . ↑ |
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