| Name: mini mouse | Date: Sep 25th, 2006 5:00 AM |
| TEXSA MOM!!!I just read your note and let me simply say our situations may have totally different details but the pain is all too familiar. Hang in there with your daughter let her know you love her and maybe tough love is the answer with her you have to decide that...Your situation may need some help from the authorities especially if your ex is threatening you and your boyfriends safety...better tell someone who can give you some legal counsel on that... Your daugther has more underlying issues here. If she is cutting herself that is a desperate cry for help. Is there anyone you and she can talk with together? She needs help. I feel you may need someone to direct conversation with your daughter till you can communicate together civially. It is unfortunate that your ex allows her to disrepect you I know how that feels. I hope it helps to know that we all have had hurt and Keep me posted on what happens...your daughter does need you ...but she may need some time to find that out for herself...time has a way of helping sometimes...be patient with her yet let her know that it hurts you when she disregards you as her mom...I will talk anytime if you need to vent...Thanks mini mouse ↑ |
| Name: Texas_Mom | Date: Sep 25th, 2006 5:17 AM |
| Thanks, Mini. I really appreciate that. Someone asked me the other day if I thought the roller coaster ride would ever end, I told them highly doubtful. Nothing can be done on the legal side, we've tried everything, from keeping 99 calls in 1 day, to threatening emails. Police said that the calls weren't enough to constitute harassment and the emails weren't threatening enough. I am a paralegal and know how the law works. The town I live in probably doesn't want to fill out the paperwork. I do have support from Bob. He is a wonderful man who stands behind me in every decision about the children. He can't stand when she talks to me the way she does. Daughter told me that dad is going to get the counseling lined up. Cutting on oneself is a cry for help. I know this, however, we're dealing with a 14 year old who was raised for the first 12 years by a "bitch" for a mother and an undermining other parent. I really wonder if it is her way of manipulating the situation to get what she wants. I can never lose sight of the sad fact that she is a liar and master manipulator. I've been burned by her so many times that I don't trust anything at face value. Thank you for being here, you have given me hope that every time I walk by her empty room, someday I will see her bright, smiling face in there where I believe she belongs. ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Sep 26th, 2006 2:50 PM |
| That was the first of many visits I'm sure mini mouse! Your daughter WANTS to be close to you and she just took the first real step! She will get to know you through her own eyes and then no matter what anyone else says about you,they won't be able to change what she has gotten to know and feel for you herself. I think it's also possible that if your ex keeps running you down to your daughter,then that might just encourage your daughter to WANT to come and live with you full-time! I'm soooo glad you had such a great time! I think things are only going to get better from here! Congratulations mini mouse,I wish you and your daughter MUCH happinesstogether! ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Sep 26th, 2006 3:09 PM |
| Hey Texas_Mom! Tough situation you're in! It's difficult to discipline a teen when the other parent lets them do anything they want. I'm glad your current boyfriend is supportive of you. I can't believe the phone messages aren't proof of harassment! How can that be? I think you should give your daughter space for now. It would probably do both of you good. I hope that one day she will change and mellow out and decide she wants you in her life. I think for now at least it's best to just leave her be with her bitter behavior. She certainly needs help that's for sure and i hope her dad will get it for her since she is living with him.It's really sad to see teens so hurt and angry that they feel the need to hurt themselves,I hope someone helps her soon. ↑ |
| Name: Texas_Mom | Date: Sep 26th, 2006 5:21 PM |
| Lizzi, thanks for your advice. I think that is best for now, too. I've been talking to my dad about the teenage years and he reminded me of the things I pulled. Like running away!!! I was mortified for him to recall all those silly things now, serious then, that I did. I apologized profusely to him for everything I ever put him through. Anyway, I plan on having no contact with her for a while. Bob has 2 daughters of his own and a new grandson. This coming weekend they should all be here for visitation. Actually, I am looking forward to them coming so Bob can spend some much needed one on one time with them. It's been a while since he's been able to do that since we were always having to contend with my daughters drama when they were here. I will keep you guys posted on what happens. All the people that I've talked to about teenage daughters have said the same thing, "She'll be back". In that, I have faith and I won't die of a broken heart!!!! ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Sep 26th, 2006 5:54 PM |
| To Texas_Mom,I hope you have an enjoyable week-end with your boyfriend and his kids and granchild. Maybe it will help all of you feel refreshed which you really need! I think your daughter will come around when she's ready. I don't think any daughter wants to be far from her mom! I only have a son who's 15 and I have been so fortunate that he is a well behaved kid ,and he even gets good grades! I wish other parents had it as good as I do in that department! I wanted a girl so bad but God blessed me with aboy instead. I could have had more but I figured I would be lucky to raise one up right so I had my tubes tied. I just can't believe he's 15. I sometimes pull out pictures and wonder where my baby went! Now we are looking forward to highschool graduation in 2 years and then maybe some college! ↑ |
| Name: mini mouse | Date: Sep 28th, 2006 6:23 PM |
| LIZZI PJ754....Things are going okay now I am having a breather as far as being so sad goes... I still miss my girl and her sweet smile but I think you are right this is just the beginning of many more visits. Now the biggest issue will be just dealing with her wanting to be in charge of her schedule with me....but we will get that all worked out. I will keep you posted thanks again for listening will talk soon....mini mouse ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Sep 28th, 2006 6:34 PM |
| Hey mini mouse! I'm so glad you are more relaxed. Things will just get better for you and your daughter,I'm sure! One step at a time and pretty soon you and she will have a rock solid relationship and friendship too! I'm very excited for you both,I really am! ↑ |
| Name: mini mouse | Date: Sep 29th, 2006 11:37 AM |
| LIZZI Thanks so much ...How are you? Let me know. mini mouse ↑ |
| Name: pj754 | Date: Sep 29th, 2006 1:44 PM |
| Congrats on such a wonderful time with your daughter!!!! Things are not going to be so easy but just like Lizzi said, one day at a time. I do feel your heart yurning for her!! As she gets older, you both with probably look back on this and realize how silly it all has been. She will come to you in due time. You probably won't feel the appreication until she's a mom herself. Yet, she will remember that even though she has gone through some difficult times, you were always there for her when she wanted you. That's the impression you are setting and someday she will realize it. You have to keep telling yourself that these tough times will pass. Well, good for you and her. Glad to her she was laughing with your husband. That's a good sign. Hang in and I know you will. Your smart to realize you don't want her to run her schedule with you. It's good that you keep that in mind. It's nice to hear about the good things. Lots of hugs back to you. ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Sep 30th, 2006 10:59 PM |
| Hi mini mouse,I'm doing o.k. I'm on a weightloss crusade because my Dr. told me I have high bloodpressure and put me on something for it. I'm very overweight and have been for years but it's never affected my health until now so I am determined to do something about it. (Wish me luck there!) Anyway's that's about all that's up with me! :) My son just bought himself a bass guitar! He was thinking of getting a classring but in the end the guitar won lol! He has an electric guitar and has been teaching himself to play but really wanted a bass so he finally got one! He's a pretty good kid,the only problem we ever really have with him is he likes his music loud so we're constantly telling him to TURN IT DOWN!!!!! Oh well,if that's as big as our problem gets then I'll be happy! :) Please keep me updated about the progress with you and your daughter,I'm cheering for you! :) ↑ |
| Name: mini mouse | Date: Oct 3rd, 2006 12:29 AM |
| PJ754 Hello !!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks for your kind words and advice. Nothing new with me and my daughter just taking it easy. We are talking everyday. We have a counseling session a week from today. I will let you know how things go. I am being very patient. I love her so much and will never give up. Hope all is well with you. I will keep in touch. ↑ |
| Name: mini mouse | Date: Oct 3rd, 2006 12:37 AM |
| LIZZI!!!!!!!!!! Boy can I relate to you with the weight issues, I have always struggled with my weight. I wish you all the best as you begin. What are you going to do? I have kept my weight off for 1 1/2 years, boy is it tough. I don't eat much but food just klings to my body ... hope all goes well...keep me informed. Nothing new with my daughter we are talking ...smile I miss her very much. I am being very patient waiting for her...talk to you again. mini mouse ↑ |
| Name: cantolina | Date: Oct 3rd, 2006 3:17 AM |
I feel for you....
TO make matters worse, my 14 yr old daughter HATES my new wife....only because she is a counselor at school, and makes life "hard" for my daughter....
She just moved back with her mom, and its making it hard on my new family.....especially me....
I'm having trouble reconciling a great wife and two beautiful step-daughters with a daughter whose Mom HATES all of us....and its mirrored in my daughter's attitude and actions....
VERY difficult issue...
Thanx for letting me vent this.... ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Oct 3rd, 2006 1:42 PM |
| Hi mini mouse! As far as weightloss goes,I'm planning to exercise more and exchange bad foods for healthier ones. Also,I quit eatting after 7pm. Today is day 8 and so far so good! I go back to the Dr. in late oct. and will find out then how much progress I've made. I'm hoping for at least a 10 lb. weightloss by then. What did you do to lose weight? And did you have alot of weight to lose or just 10-20 lbs.? (If you don't mind my asking?) ↑ |
| Name: mini mouse | Date: Oct 3rd, 2006 5:16 PM |
| CANTOLINA Hey . Thanks for venting . It helps to talk about things and know that someone may understand how you feel... I don't know your situation but from what you share it sounds like your daughter is in the middle of things I hope you can work it out along with her mom. Anytime you need to vent just share it it sure helps. mini mouse ↑ |
| Name: mini mouse | Date: Oct 3rd, 2006 5:24 PM |
| LIZZI, Hey I am still 30lbs overweight . I lost weight when I just ate mini-meals and got moving. I have never been able to keep it off though. I have kept off this weight because I am happier now than I have ever been in my life...but I still need to lose about 30. It is such a battle . Keep up the good work and good job for all the work you have already done. Moving and keeping active is the answer for me. Talk to you later. ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Oct 3rd, 2006 6:30 PM |
| I only wish I had to lose just 30 lbs.!!!! I'm afraid mines a bit more than that,ALOT more than that actually! Oh well,I look at it like I didn't gain it overnight so it's going to take time to lose it! I'm on the right track though! ↑ |
| Name: pj754 | Date: Oct 3rd, 2006 7:51 PM |
Hi Lizzi--Have you ever heard of the South Beach Diet? I have the cookbook and was reading through some of other people's comments, who said that diet helped them to get off blood pressure medicine and helped them to control their weight. It's a strict diet and hard to follow by but having the will power to stick with it is very hard to do. I hate to exercise. It's the last thing I would rather do. Although, since, the birth of my last child, I've been unable to shed the pounds I want to. I know for me, I have no choice but to exercise or keep my self moving all the time. The genes of overweight and high blood pressure run in my family so I have to be very conscious about what I eat. When I fix meals for the rest of my family, I serve their dinners on a normal size dinner plate and I put mine on a salad plate. This leaves me no choice but to cut back what I eat and it seems to be working. Perhaps you've already heard of the diet and I hope I haven't offended you with the suggestions. I have seen frozen entrees of the South Beach Diet in the grocery stores. However, I'm not sure how much sodium they have in them. I retain water and when I eat french fries or things high in sodium, I am swollen by morning. My fingers and feet are swollen at the nuckles. My mother-in-law tried the South Beach diet and became very successful at it. Also, she would walk on the treadmill every morning for 20-30 minutes. She was doing really good but stopped following the program I believe the stress of both parents passing away. Now, she has put all her weight back on. I read another diet book by Mary Lou Hener (sp??), the lady that use to play on the TV show, TAXI. She started reading the labels of things she was consuming and realized we diegest alot of things we shouldn't that is mostly made up of chemicals. I believe she has a web-sit that you can browse or purchase her books. She decided to change her eating habits because both her parents died of heart diesease. I hope things get better for you.
To Mini Mouse---Glad to hear things are well. Stick with the counseling sessions even though your daughter might not feel they are doing any good. I hope it will help to turn things around. I wish you well. All is well with me, one day at a time. ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Oct 4th, 2006 4:16 PM |
| Hi pj754! Thank-you for taking time to talk to me! I'm not offended at all by your suggestion,so please don't worry about it. I have heard of the diets name but don't really know much about it. I've battled my weight most of my life. I was a normal sized child but I always liked to eat too so I became a fat child in grade school and then lost all of the weight by Jr. High and kept it off clear through highschool. After Highschool I slowly started to gain to what I am today. I've been on all kinds of diets throughout the years and even lost some weight but the problem was I didn't stick to anything so if the South Beach Diet is very strict,it may not be the best for me. Right now,I'm not eatting anything after 7pm,I'm substituting things like regular lemonades and teas for Crystal light drinks which are alot better because they have alot less junk in them. I also used to buy those little candy bars like butterfinger,snickers,and babyruth that come in those 10 count packs for a buck and eat half of them in one sitting! But now I've switched to caramel ricecakes and celery sticks instead so that's a major good change! I just wish I could make myself get up and move more. I guess because I'm so big,I don't feel like moving but I know if I want to lose I've got to move,I just need some motivation. I have walked at night recently and I have this indoor walking video which I did use but I'm not doing these things as often as I need to be. The idea you gave me about using a smaller plate is a great one because then you have no choice but to eat less,I will definitely start doing that,thanks! Now if I could only get into a more regular exercise routine.......?! ↑ |
| Name: pj754 | Date: Oct 6th, 2006 1:36 PM |
Hi Lizzi---I completely understand your struggle with weight. Let me ask you, do you feel slightly depressed? The reason why I'm asking is because I'ved looked back on all the times I've struggled with my weight, I've always felt slightly depressed. I didn't feel good about myself. After the birth of my first two children, who are 13 months apart, I gained alot of weight. It wasn't that I ate an obseen amount of food while I was pregnant, it was just that with all the hormones following, I swellled up like a jumbo balloon. I know how unmotivated I became when I had all the extra weight. All I did was chase after two small children inside a small two bedroom apartment and would sit in front of the tv. Finally, one day something just clicked inside of me and I decided to turn the tv off during the day and turn the stereo on. It was funny because listening to the good beat of music put me into a more energetic mood. Then I starting thinking of some craft ideas I could make and instead of sitting down while making them, I would stand. Granted, it was hard on my feet and legs in the beginning but the more I kept standing on them, the easier it got. Plus having a pair of comfortable shoes did wonders. I found that sneakers hurt my feet more than anything. But, shoes with a soft sole and cushion inside helped me alot. Alot of my depression was being married to a jerk, who wouldn't get off his dead butt to work which we were always struggling for money and we only one vehicle. So, if he did work, he would take the car. Then, I got the bright idea to start walking with the children 3 blocks away to Walgreens or the video store. Now, that helped out alot. Then, I ended up getting a waitress job at night on the weekends and boy did I start loosing the weight. It was amazing to me how the weight came off. After the birth of my 3rd child, the weight wasn't come off so easily and not to mention I was getting older. Now, after the birth of my 4th child, the weight isn't coming off easily by just cutting back my food proportions. This time, I need to exercise daily in order to get my metabolism moving but I'm like you, I just can seem to get motivated. Although, I have been trying to keep myself busy around the house. My husband tells me I run around here like an epileptic jack rabbit. He gets mad at me when I try to do too much in one day because I get so tired at the end of the evening. I will have to say, I'm not as tired as I used to be so my body seems to be getting better after having my daughter. Right now, my hormones are still changing which doesn't help. I always swell up when my body heats up.
It sounds like you are on the right track by changing your eating habits. Having that kind of will power is tough to do. No matter what you do, try to always remember this. You are a very intelligent woman, who is beautiful no matter what you do. You have so many qualities that you share with other people and that's great. I'll bet if you get out more and are around other people, who see these qualities in you will make a huge difference. That's what makes a person feel good inside. I know it's true for me. Although, since my divorce, I really don't hang around too many people. I just don't trust anyone, anymore. I don't know if you feel this way but this happens to me alot. When things seem to be going really smooth in my life, I felt good inside. Postive, upbeat and happy. But when things or shall I say (life) is a constant hurdle, it gets me down and at times, I just don't feel like going anywhere. My therapist told me to force myself to get out of the house even if it's for 20 minutes in the day. The sunshine does a body good. Set goals for myself to get me off the couch and away from the tv. You know, she's right!! Since, I have been seeing her to help me get through my family crisis, I have been feeling much better inside. I guess you have to work on the inside before you can work on the outside???!!! It was hard to force myself to go outside. I love the outdoors and it what a such a struggle to get out to see it. It seems like I just completely shut down from doing the things I loved doing the most. Now that I have taken those baby steps in setting small goals, I am able to accomplish more goals in one day. I swear, it's like our bodies and minds plays tricks with us. Now, you know you have to do things differently for your health and you seemed to be on the right track. Koodles to you!!! Keep up the long hard struggle. You can do it!!! Anytime you want to vent about it, I'm willing to listen. You need to be around some people, who see the qualities you have to help build up your confidence level inside of you. Plus, you need to do it for you!!! Fixing ourselves inside is really hard to do and reaching out for someone else to help you isn't easy either. Perhaps your like me, would rather do it on my own instead of someone else helping me. My pride gets in my way. Also, I saw a commercial on tv from one of those diet programs--I think it's L.A. Weight loss. It's the one that has Nora Roberts, who won the bachelor. She went on the diet that focuses on the glycemic index. I've hard of this index from one of my older friends. She went to a doctor, who told her about it and she started changing her eating habits by it. By golly, she lost all her weight and then some. Plus, she would walk her dog when the weather was decent and walk on the treadmill. I couldn't believe how good she looks. Yet, there again, she had the will power to do it. I haven't done any research on the glycemic index but I'm going to look into it for myself and my husband. We both need to lose our weight. My husband's problem is he loves sweets. If I could get him away from them, he would lose the weight instantly. When he drinks his coffee it's more of a dessert. Way too much sugar. Plus, he drinks too much soda pop. That's not good either. I, too, am doing the teas. They are alot healthier than pop. I drink lots of water throughout the day, too. I like the Dasani water. To me it's more refreshing than some of the other bottled waters on the market. When it's cold, it's really good. Dasani has flavored water too. Some of the other bottled waters has an after taste that I just don't like. My Culligan guy told me that water shouldn't have a taste. You shouldn't be able to taste anything but water. Makes sense. So, I've become fickle on what kind of water I drink. Sounds strange, doesn't it?
Sorry, I typed so long. I just wanted you to know how much I care and wish you alot of success. You will do it. You just have to keep your mind to it. Thanks for listening. ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Oct 6th, 2006 3:15 PM |
Hi pj754,thank-you for being so kind! Yeah,I do have depression and anxiety and agoraphobia and sometimes panic attacks. I've struggled with these things for many years and been in countless hours of therapy over the years.The therapist I saw for 3 years I really liked but she left state earlier this year to go back to school. It really bummed me out. She knew me and I felt comfortable with her. I've been to see another since but it just wasn't the same so I kinda quit. I would like to go back though it's just every day I think about making that call but that's as far as I get with it. It's not like a therapist can (fix) me,I have to do that myself. According to Dr. Phil and a show I saw the other day,it should only take about 3 months in therapy for a person like me to be 100% (well) again. So then I was left thinking,oh? Okay........and I've been in therapy for how many YEARS now and am basically still the same????? I don't know what to think anymore! I think this is who I am. I'm the person who is afraid to go out and make something of herself..I let fear keep me from things like weddings and nights out. I got my GED 10 years ago but do you know how???? My mom went with me and got hers at the same time. She was literally by my side every step of the way,through every hour of every day sitting beside me and sitting beside me on testing day. Sometimes I stop and think,well mom was there yes but it was MY very own brain that passed that test! But then I go back to feeling stupid again because I need someone I trust to hold my hand and walk through life with me. Why am I not strong mentally? Why do I feel like a lost kitten in traffic whenever I have to go do something on my own? There are no answers in therapy. We ourselves must search for our own answers and must make ourselves follow through when we find them. My problem is I know what I need to do,I have my answers,but my fear freezes me from any further action. I'm on prozac but I'm no different. I still think and fear the same. Sometimes I wish my life to be over so I don't have to live in fear anymore. I hate being this way,I'm a prisoner in my own house and mind. I don't enjoy each day,I'm so afraid all the time. I'm afraid the person behind me in line at the grocery store is mad at me because I'm making them wait. I'm afraid the driver in my rearview mirror is angry that I'm not going fast enough.I get upset with myself if I stop at the yellow light instead of driving through it and then I fear the driver behind me is mad because they might have been able to go through it too but now since I stopped,they are being held up because of me.I just can't seem to think any other way. I feel like i'm stupid dumb and slow to learn anything. Sometimes I want to break down and cry and ask God WHY?! Why must I suffer this way because that
is exactly what I'm doing. ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Oct 6th, 2006 3:26 PM |
| I have a husband who chooses not to understand my problem,my son doesn't get it either. I don't really have any friends. Well I have one guy friend who I talk to once in awhile but I have no girlfriends outside of family members and I'm not about to tell any of them about me. My mom knows some things but i think even she just tries not to think about it much and thinks that one day I will just poof ,be normal and get a job.No one gets it but me.I wish I had a true friend to hang out with and talk to but i don't,it's just me alone in my house when my husbands at work and my sons in school. I am glad I found this place and people to talk to here but still it isn't exactly the same. ↑ |
| Name: pj754 | Date: Oct 6th, 2006 9:14 PM |
Oh Lizzi....I'm sorry you have to go through this. You know what? By reading your comments on this forum, you do have well incite on a lot things. You put yourself down waaayyyyy too much. You are not giving yourself any credit. A lot of your comments you make are right on track and mostly well spoken. A lot of times, you think the same way I do. You can easily write how you feel with inciteful thoughts, you just have a hard time dealing with people that are near your presence. I, too, felt the same way you do. I worried about what people thought or would say about me. I was always trying to please other people and agree to their wishes as opposed to mine. But, since my divorce, I've learned how to stand up for myself. I've always had it in me but I allowed my family members to damper my feelings and emotions. I've recently found out even though I've always seen it just would never admit it, that they were trying very hard to twist me into what they wanted. But, my independent attitude would always fight them anyway I could. I just felt what they were doing to me or anyone else for that matter, just wasn't right. Here's a little history....my own mother when I was a baby allowed someone or perhaps her to put cigarette burns on my arms, feet and tongue. I didn't find out this until I was 25 years old when I sought out to contact my biological father. All those years, my mom purposely tried to keep me from him. She went as far to tell me he was blonde hair, drug dealer, in prison and then dead. I can remember when I was 3 years old, she would drop me off at a sitter's house for the day or overnite. Once I got to the sitter's house and as soon as she was gone, I was forced to sit on the brick fireplace watching the family eating Kentucky Fried Chicken. Me and the other boy that was there were not allowed to eat until the family was finished, then we were allowed to eat what they had not eaten off their plates. Sounds gross and disgusting, right??? This nasty woman would make us sleep on the basement floors with one blanket and a pillow. Still at the age of 3, her son took me into his room and molested me. The only time I was ever allowed to play was a half an hour before my mom was suppose to pick me up. I remember starving so bad that I snuck into the kitchen because I knew where the cereal was inside the cabinet to get a handful to eat while the husband was sleeping on the couch. Had I gotten caught, I would have been spanked. My mom couldn't understand why I always cried everytime she would take me to that horrible place. Then when she married my step-dad, she would always have me stay at my Aunt's house so they could go out and party. Plus, my mom would get drunk, pick fights and throw things around the house. Throughout my childhood, she would beat me severly with a belt just because I forgot my eye glasses at school over the weekend or something else. She would always ground me to the house months on end over petty stuff. She made me clean the house top to bottom and if it wasn't done to her expectations, she would make me do it again. Then, my own cousin molested me when I was 10 and I got punished for it instead of explaining to me that it wasn't my fault. Finally, when I was in 6th grade, I tried to commit suicide by overdosing on pills my mom had in the medicine cabinet. Thankfully to say, I wasn't successful but I was sick for two weeks after that. When she took me to the doctor, I was ordered to say I was trying to take diet pills to lose weight so that the doctor wouldn't be suspicious. Once I got into highschool, my mom and I didn't see eye to eye. She would accuse me of not being in the places I said I was or thinking I was up to no good. Then, when I told my dad that she had a wad of money in her billfold and stashed her purse in my clothes hamper, she threatened to break my arm if I ever spoke like that again. She divorced my step-dad when I was 17 and this was the first time in my life, I felt a sense of freedom. She was never very loving or affectionate and would try to make up by buying me everything I wanted. It got to the point that I didn't want things anymore, all I wanted was her love and appreciation which I never received. We don't speak to this day because she blames me for not sticking by her side when she divorced my step-dad. She had a terrible gambling addiction and was caught one too many times by him. My mother got extremely mad at me when I chose to live with my step-dad instead of her. She hasn't spoken to me since. Oh, I've tried several times to see if I could spark some communication with her but she just won't budge. She's too cold hearted towards me. Then my step-dad moved in his girlfriend a month after he filed for divorce. Well, I never did like the woman and still don't. She is very manipulating and enjoys stirring a kettle of trouble. I moved out on my own when I was 19 and got married when I was 21. I was married for 12 years to a jerk, who treated me just like my parents did. The man laid his hands on me one too many times and I made the decision to leave him. This was the best thing in my life because now, I've met a man that worships the ground I walk on. He treats me better than himself. I am so thankful to have him a part of my life. Only to mention the children love him, too. To date, my step-parents have sided with my ex. They think he wonderful even though they talk a lot of crap about him behind his back. They are only doing all of this to try and get the best of me. Nope, not anymore. I just simply don't care. The toes you step on today might be connect to the ass you kiss tomorrow. This statement is exactly true. My new husband's family adore me and I'm thankful to have them apart of my life.
The reason why I've explained all this history to you is to tell you that no matter what obsticles you encounter in your life, you can overcome them. Sure, things eat at you from the inside out but finding the right encouraging people make all the difference in the world. Even if you can't find that right person, the strong person is inside of you. My past has bothered me for years. The sense of always feeling rejection truly hurts. However, over the years my skin has become like an alligator. It gets tougher each time someone does something terrible to me. I still have trouble allowing people to get close to me and I fight those that do truly love me. But on the same token, I tried my damnest to raise my children to have a life better than mine. Through my experience, I am able to communicate with my children and receive their love in return. I know they will go through some difficult times in their lives but I've made a personal vow to myself that I will always be there for them. Sure, I may not always agree with them because they are individuals with their own personalities. I try to be as honest with them as much as I can. If things get a little personal, I just tell them none of their business, this can be discussed when they are older. The only one I have trouble with is my son, who is too much like his father. Headstrong and has no reasoning abilities. I do hope one day he will realize it. But at least, I can go to sleep at night knowing that I've tried everything possible to get him to understand. Perhaps he won't realize it until he's older or maybe he never will. At least I tried. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. The only reason why I started seeing a therapist was because I was trying to self distruct. I was dipping into alcohol on a regular basis only to drown the things my ex and son was trying to do to me. My therapist explained to me that I will always have a past and it will always be with me. I will never be able to change it. However, I'm in control of what I do in my future. I have positive things in my life that I've struggled so hard to train right. That's my children. With them, I am able to break the cycle of my family behaviors. She is 100% right. To me, they are the reasons to live. They are the ones that put a smile on my face. There's another saying, "You can hide under a rock if you want to but you won't live one minute longer but fear gains a person nothing." So, I've learned to adapt to the idea of why worry about what I can't change? On that note, I realize, I can't change my parents or my ex. I have learned to hit things head on. I try not to worry about other people. They are no different than me. They put their pants on the same way I do. So, what makes them any better than me? It doesn't.
You know Lizzi--you can do things on your own. You are right, it was your brain that passed the tests. Sure you may go to do something and worry about the outcome but keep in mind, your life is still worth living. You are able to watch your son grow up and live a wonderful life. Perhaps, you will have grandchildren that you will be able to enjoy. Focus on the positive things. You are strong mentally, you just surpress it. You hide behind fear. Perhaps the person behind you in traffic might get mad at you for not moving like they think you should, so what??? Let them get mad because what usually happens? They may make an obscene jesture to you but will keep moving. If they get mad at you in the store, hey it's not your fault things aren't going faster. Your blaming yourself for what other people may think. Ask yourself, will they be the ones coming home with you? No, they get angry and move on. Perhaps you go out for the evening and wonder if people are looking at you because your overweight? Look around you. There are alot of other people that are overweight. Again, will they be sitting with you and criticize you?? Nope, they may make a comment and move on. If they do make a comment, it just tells you how narrow minded they are and thinking they are sooooo perfect. He, who casts stones without sin shouldn't throw them at glass houses. You seem like your are trying very hard to find your self worth in life? You are the worth. Just being you is the worth. I'm sorry that I rambled on and on but I wanted you to know you are not alone in such feelings. You have to let yourself enjoy your life. Again, I hope I haven't offended you and if you want to talk more I'll be glad to give you my email if you want it. Cheer up Lizzi--you are very special!!! ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Oct 6th, 2006 10:12 PM |
| Hey there pj754,I read what you wrote and it brought tears to my eyes! I am so sorry for all those awful things that happened to you as a child. You know,it kind of reminded me of a book I read a long while back called,"A CHILD CALLED IT". It was about this boy,(true story) who was really treated horribly by his mother. Some of the things he said she did to him I had to read twice over because I just couldn't imagine any mother treating her child that way. If you haven't,you should read it.I've been nervous today every since I had to go pick up my husband from work. I have to take him to and from everyday but today the anxiety is really high. You know,I thought of something,in therapy they say when you have anxiety you fear losing control and yes that is true BUT it's just dawned on me that I also have a fear of being IN control!!!!! Sounds weird doesn't it? What I mean by that is like when I drive I'm extremely nervous and wish I didn't have to be in control of that car and really wish someone else was driving so I could be more relaxed and the responsibility be off of me. And I think I fear getting a job because I fear being the one in control and responsible should something go wrong! Does this make any sense to you at all? For me it's BOTH fear of losing control,AND being the one in control! Wow! I never thought of that before now but to me it makes so much sense!Can you understand what I'm saying?After reading what you wrote,it makes me realize again that there are lots of other people out there who haven't had the best life and who have fears just like I do. I just wish I could get away from this anxiety. It eats me up day after day. I know it can't kill me though because if it could,I'd been dead a long time ago! Sometimes I just want to let out this blood curdling scream just to aleviate some of the tension. I swear I can feel anxiety rushing through my veins at times,it's awful! If you want to give me your email address,that's fine with me.Thanks for listening to me ramble on! ↑ |
| Name: pj754 | Date: Oct 9th, 2006 8:41 PM |
| Dear Lizzi---I certainly understand what you are feeling. Yet, it's better to be in control rather than lose control. There is nothing wrong with being in control. Throughout the day, you are in control over alot of things. Like getting out of bed in the morning, typing on the computer and getting in the car to drive. That's control. Which is very good. I know exactly what you mean about the feelings of anxiety. In fact, when I first left my ex, my boyfriend/new husband now, told me I was a bucket of nerves when we first met. I had a lot on my plate. I worried about everything. Where I was going to live, how will I afford to raise my children, will I get a job that can financially support me and them, etc....There were times, I couldn't eat or sleep because I worried so much. Then, everytime I would have to encounter my ex's presence, I would start to get very nervous. When I would go to one of my kid's sporting events and the minute my ex would walk in, I would get a rush of anxiety. I worried about what he was going to say to me or say to someone else about me. Then, I started making my new husband go with me. I used him as my shield. If my ex would start something with me, my husband is quick witted enough to put him in his place. Knowing perfectly well that my ex, who is 6 foot and weighted 180lbs wouldn't have a chance against someone 6'4" and weighted 300lbs. Then, I realized I had to fight my own battles and stand up for myself. I will have to say, I have been succesful in doing so but it didn't happen overnite. It was one baby step at a time. Presently, I have my ex wondering where my attitude and personality is coming from. He was use to me giving in or just walking away from him. Not anymore. This was me taking control. The control I never had for so many years. I realized my ex can't hurt me anymore and all he has left is his mouth. When I first stood up to my ex, I was so nervous. My heart was pumping 300 miles per minute. Yet, after it was over and I calmed down, I felt so much better about myself. I was able to do something that I never thought I could ever do---tell my ex off. My ex left me alone for a little while but he came me at again. This time, I wasn't as nervous, calmed down alot quicker and was able to speak my mind without him doing anything to me other than listening to his mouth ramble. His goal is to try and tear me down mentally. When I started standing up and defending myself, is when I realized I was taking control. Oh, I still get stomach aches when I know I have to speak to him but it's gotten alot easier to do. The minute he starts to yell or scream at me, I just turn around and walk away. I do not have to listen to him ramble. My therapist explained to me that I was taking and keeping control of the situation. Now, I can go to a sporting event by myself and feel comfortable even if my ex approaches me. I stopped being a coward in fear of him. I get this fear of those, who offended me terribly. The only thing they can do to me is talk crap about me which doesn't bother me anymore. I've tried to hard at pleasing people but the only ones I really need to please is my immediate family and friends. I've stopped fearing what other people think of me. Those that truly know and love me for who I am can see the real true me. They are the ones that really matter to me. There is nothing wrong with being in control and responsible. If something does go wrong, you hit it head on. You are human and you are entitled to mistakes. No one can fault you for that. If you make a mistake, so be it, you learn from it, correct it and move on. Things will always go wrong that we have no control over. It's how you handle it. You can handle it, just put your mind to it. You have to start out small, then work your way up. Try doing something different once a week. Something that you've always been afraid to do. If the first time around, it's successful, that's great!!!! If not, try it again and again. Before too long, you will be doing things you didn't realize you could do. There will be somethings that just might not work out or just isn't meant to be. Ok, so let it go and do something else. It sounds like you have been knocked down so many times in your life that you are afraid to pick yourself back up. If that's the case, then don't do the things you want to do with those that have knocked you down. Stay away from them. Focus on the ones that will give you the postive response you deserve. I don't know if my response has helped today but I would like to talk with you more. Email if you choose, I'm willing to be there for you, no matter what you want to talk about. [email protected] Also, I hope you HAVE A GREAT DAY, TODAY!!!!! ↑ |
| Name: Texas_Mom | Date: Oct 10th, 2006 2:44 PM |
Hi PJ754 and Lizzi,
I just thought I would let you know that I have spoken to my daughter twice in 3 weeks. I miss her so. I can't help but worry about her failing 4 of her classes. She's been throwing up and having headaches. I believe the stress of the situation is getting to her. She doesn't handle stress and worry very well. I can't help but wonder what's going on with her. I talked to her briefly last week about her grades and why she's been missing so many days. She's missed more days of school since moving in with the ex than she ever missed while living with me.
This past weekend was absolutely wonderful. My boyfriends daughter and a friend stayed the weekend. We took the girls to the mall and shopped for several hours. We then went out to dinner and the Texas Tech game was on. BF's daughters brother plays for Tech. He wasn't in the game, however, she was excited that she could see all the players that hang out with her brother. BF's other daughter and grandson came over Sunday. I've never seen a baby with so much hair!!!! My goodness he's a bundle of hair!!! We could almost put it in a pony tail or a braid.
Sunday before last, we babysat my granddaughter. She's 9 months and what a busy little bee she is!! She's walking already!! Getting into everything and just being a sweet wonderful baby.
I still miss my daughter. I know this won't last forever and she will be back, however, it's getting past this point in time and coming out on the other side that makes it difficult. Everytime I walk by her room, I think of her. I know I can't control her or make her do something she doesn't want to do but I wish the lessons in life were not so hard for the person learning them and the parent watching it all unfold.
I, like you guys, have very few friends. My best friend and I had a falling out before she moved to Lubbock to go to school. My other friend, ex-sister in law from my 1st marriage, was cheating with my current ex. Yeah, go figure. I would come home from work and her and her kids would be there and I wouldn't think anything of it. They were in the pool, etc. I guess I was totally blind. Not until I moved out and she stopped visiting me and kept visiting him that it became apparent that something wasn't right. She stopped returning my calls. Never visited, etc. The light bulb finally went on when my daughter told me that her "aunt" has been staying at the house. Well, I finally figured it out. I guess the only reason she needed me was to get close to the ex. Anyway, haven't spoken to her in close to 2 years. She is still the biological aunt of my 2 oldest boys. They are 18 and 20 and can choose to talk to her if they see fit. They know where I stand on being betrayed by someone I've known for close to 20 years. Doesn't make it feel any better and that's why I keep everyone at a comfortable distance. I do not engage in chatty conversation with the neighbors. I only tell my co-workers what I want them to hear. I do not air my personal business on the street. My ex did that to me in the neighborhood where I used to live. It really makes one uncomfortable when you know that your ex has put your "bedroom" business out on the streets trying to make himself look better than he really is. He is one sick puppy. Well, thanks for letting me vent. I'm stil waiting for my daughter to call and ask to come home. I almost hate to admit this, however, it has been very peaceful and quiet in the household. My older sons have commented on how relaxed and happy the household seems without her being here. It's something I hate to admit, however, we can't ignore the reality of the situation. Was her nasty disposition and attitude bringing the whole house into doom and gloom??? Is it possible? Yes, I believe it is. The one scary question I have is will I be able to welcome her back with open arms when I know that she is so miserable and wants everyone to be miserable with her? Why do I want to subject the happiness of my household and my family for her? Do I put limits on her returning to my household? What if she manipulates the situation and returns to her hateful old self? How will I know she's being sincere? Yes, I could go on and on. I will cross the bridge when I get to it and take everyone's thoughts and considerations into this equation and make my decision carefully. I hope you guys have a wonderful day. We're finally getting some much needed rain here. I love it!! Take Care. ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Oct 10th, 2006 5:12 PM |
| Texas_Mom,I think you should have some ground rules set and ready for when your daughter does call wanting to come home. Make it clear to her that if she chooses to not abide by them and starts shaking everyone up then she can go right back to her dads,no if's,ands or but's about it. Tell her point blank that you have had a taste of what it's like to have a peaceful settled household and that you would love for her to come and join you there but you will not tollerate her behavior as it's been. Tell her it is her choice to change her ways but if she chooses not to then you would just assume she stay put than come home. Telling her this will really make her stop and think about what she truly wants. And hopefully it will mean she chooses to change her ways and come home to you! :) ↑ |
| Name: Texas_Mom | Date: Oct 10th, 2006 6:58 PM |
Lizzi,
Thanks for your very good thoughts and advice. You're right. I need to write everything down so I don't miss anything in the peak of the emotions that will be there when she decides to come home. One question, do I wait for her to ask or do I ask her? I've been struggling with that for a while. She's most likely still bitter about the choice she made and the consequences she's suffering, however, I don't want to come across like I don't care. Any suggestions? ↑ |
| Name: Lizzi | Date: Oct 10th, 2006 11:06 PM |
| Texas_Mom,I would DEFINITELY let HER be the one to ask you if she can come home. Maybe if she sees you're not asking her then that will make her think too like "geez,maybe mom's really sick and tired of my behavior,because she isn't asking me to come home?!" If you go asking her to come home then she will just be thinking,"ha! I knew she'd be wanting me to come back!" And then she won't be so quick to change her ways. But if SHE"S the one wanting to come home then the balls in YOUR court and that's when you can lay down the law and tell her ONLY if she agrees to these rules,and then lay them on her. See,this way she knows if she comes home to you she is going to HAVE to change her ways and do as you say and be respectful. Remind her again how much you would love to have her home with you but it has to be THIS way. Then let HER decide. If she comes home and starts in on her old ways again,then you have to be strong and send her back to her dads as that was the agreement. If you don't do it then she will continue to walk all over you. Be strong,it's tough love and discipline,it will do her good in the long run and perhaps even one day she will thank-you for it! Good luck! :) ↑ |
| Name: Texas_Mom | Date: Oct 11th, 2006 12:36 AM |
Lizzi,
You are awesome!!! Thank you. Seeing it in black and white really, really helps. How are you doing? If there's anything I could possibly help you with, I would in a second. I am going to patiently wait for the phone to ring or the doorbell to chime. In the meantime, I'm getting busy living!! We're thinking of moving to a different town. I've been in the same town for 14 years now. I'm so ready for a change. I don't have to worry about school districts or any of that since she won't be moving with us. Yes, it will be a shocker, however, her 2 half-brothers, will be moving with us. Yes, I know. They're 18 and 20 going on 12!!! They pay rent. They have their own cars. They come and go at their leisure. I only ask that they pick up after themselves, do their own laundry and lock up when they leave. So far, so good. Anyway, I'm thinking a small town atmosphere in the country will do me wonders. I really want to get some flower beds going for next spring and summer. Really hard in a rent house because I know it's not mine...Anyway, take care, Lizzi. BTW, where are u from? Anywhere close to Texas? ↑ |
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